THOSE   DELIGHTFUL  AMERICANS 


BOOKS  BY  MRS.  EVERARD  COTES 

(SARA  JEANNETTE  DUNCAN). 
UNIFORM   EDITION. 


Those  Delightful  Americans. 

A  Novel.      I2mo.      Cloth,  $1.50. 

A  Voyage  of  Consolation. 

Illustrated.      1 21110       Cloth,  $1.50. 

His  Honour,  and  a  Lady. 

Illustrated,      izmo.      Cloth,  $1.50. 

The  Story  of  Sonny  Sahib. 

Illustrated.      izmo.      Cloth,  $1.00. 

Vernon's  Aunt. 

With  many  illustrations,      izmo.      Cloth,  $1.15. 

A  Daughter  of  To-Day. 

A  Novel,      izmo.     Cloth,  $1.50. 

A  Social  Departure. 

How  ORTHODOCIA  AND  I  WENT  ROUND  THE  WORLD 
BY  OURSELVES.  With  ill  Illustrations  by  F.  H.  TOWN- 
SEND,  izmo.  Cloth,  $1.75;  paper,  75  cents. 

An  American  Girl  in  London. 

With  80  Illustrations  by  F.  H.  TOWNSEND.  izmo. 
Cloth,  $1.50;  paper,  75  cents. 

The  Simple  Adventures  of  a  Memsahib. 

With  37  Illustrations  by  F.  H.  TOWNSEND.  izmo. 
Cloth,  #1.50. 


D.    APPLETON    AND    COMPANY,    NEW    YORK. 


BY 


MRS.    EVERARD    COTES 

(SARA  JEANNETTE  DUNCAN) 
AUTHOR  OF  A  SOCIAL  DEPARTURE,  ETC. 


NEW    YORK 

D.    APPLETON    AND    COMPANY 
1902 


COPYRIGHT,  1901,  1902 
BY  D.  APPLETON   AND   COMPANY 


Published  May,  1902 


THOSE  DELIGHTFUL  AMERICANS 


CHAPTER  I 

MY  mother-in-law  was  sitting  on  the  lawn 
as  we  came  up  the  drive.  She  sat  beneath 
the  pink  horse-chestnut  with  a  rug  under 
her  feet  and  the  last  Kashmir  chuddar  Mon- 
ty and  Keith  between  them  had  presented  her 
with;  the  rest  were  put  away  in  camphor  in 
a  wardrobe  in  the  blue  room.  We  often  told 
my  mother-in-law  that  she  was  like  Queen 
Victoria  in  her  accumulations  of  Indian 
shawls ;  it  would  draw  a  smile  from  any  mood. 
There  was  an  old  grey,  too,  with  a  small 
hole  burnt  in  it  and  the  fringe  slightly  moth- 
eaten;  that,  I  think,  had  been  given  to  her 
grandfather  by  a  Rajah,  but  she  wore  it  now 
in  the  mornings,  reading  prayers  or  giving 
orders,  or  if  anything  took  her  to  the  larder. 
The  new  one  betokened  tea-time;  the  yew 
bush  behind  her  chair  threw  it  out,  white  and 
square,  and  agreeably  suggestive.  Frances 
was  there  too,  with  a  book  from  Mudie's — 
one  could  see  the  label.  It  was  plain,  even  at 
1 


2045750 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

that  distance,  that  the  book  was  a  novel,  and 
that  Frances  didn't  think  much  of  it.  She 
held  it  as  far  away  from  her  as  possible,  and 
the  angle  of  her  head  was  hostile.  Fry  was 
doddering  across  the  lawn  under  the  weight 
of  the  tray.  It  was  plainly  too  much  for  him, 
and  Parsons,  following  with  the  muffin-dish 
and  the  urn,  voiced  a  general  opinion  in  the 
look  she  cast  upon  his  round  back  and  shaky 
legs.  It  was  not  in  the  least  as  if  Fry  had 
grown  old  in  the  use  of  the  family.  He  had 
applied  for  the  situation,  with  his  dyed  whisk- 
ers and  stuffed  calves,  only  two  months  be- 
fore, and  to  criticism  of  his  suitability  on  the 
score  of  age  my  mother-in-law  would  only 
reply  that  he  came  with  an  excellent  charac- 
ter and  had  more  than  one  dependent  on  him. 
Between  the  trees  on  the  far  side  of  the  glebe 
meadows  one  could  see  the  church  spire;  it 
is  the  view  from  Burroughs — my  mother- 
in-law  is  immensely  proud  of  it.  It  is  an- 
other little  joke  to  tell  her  that  she  is  con- 
tent with  the  view,  since  she  has  driven  all 
the  way  to  Cobbhampton  on  Sundays  ever 
since  the  day  when  she  and  Frances  walked 
out  of  church  for  reasons  connected  with 
the  vicar's  sermon.  Some  rooks  were  talk- 
ing in  the  elms  behind  the  stables — Frances 
says  the  rooks  make  life  in  the  country  un- 
2 


Those  Delightful   Americans 

bearable  with  their  noise — and  the  roof  of 
the  carter's  van  moved  along  the  top  of  the 
red-brick  wall  between  the  rose  garden  and 
the  road. 

"  Should  you  like  to  tell  her?  "  Kaye  said 
to  me. 

' '  No,  indeed,  thank  you, ' '  I  said,  and  we 
both  laughed. 

My  mother-in-law  greeted  us  without  put- 
ting down  her  knitting.  She  looked  very  pink 
and  very  placid,  as  if  she  had  spent  the 
whole  morning  in  the  village  doing  good, 
very  unsuspicious.  Frances  had  more  flair, 
as  usual. 

"  Whatever  you've  got  to  say  you  might 
as  well  say  at  once, ' '  she  remarked.  Frances 
is  my  mother-in-law's  niece  and  the  daugh- 
ter of  a  bishop.  The  bishop  is  dead,  but  he 
lives  again  in  Frances.  He  could  never  have 
received  his  diocese  for  his  suavity. 

' '  We  have  a  bit  of  news, ' '  said  Kaye,  with 
a  note  of  apology. 

"  We  are  likely  to  be  obliged  to  go  to 
America,"  I  forestalled  him  after  all. 

"  Go  to  America!  "  exclaimed  both  ladies 
at  once.  My  mother-in-law's  expression  was 
one  of  simple  bewilderment.  Frances  looked 
ironical.  "  What,  under  the  sun,  for!  "  said 
she. 

3 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  Not  for  pleasure/'  Kaye  observed, 
gloomily.  "  You  may  happen  to  remember  " 
— he  addressed  his  mother — "  that  part  of 
your  income  is  derived  from  shares  in  the 
Manhattan  Electric  Belt  Company!  " 

"  Has  it  failed?  "  demanded  Mrs.  Kern- 
ball.  "  If  so,  tell  me  at  once,  Kaye.  You 
know  how  I  dislike  being  prepared  for  things. 
Dear  me,  that's  the  loss  of  a  clear " 

"  It  has  not  failed,"  interposed  Kaye, 
with  that  superior  correcting  air  which  Eng- 
lishmen use  towards  their  female  relatives. 
1 1  If  it  had " 

"  I  should  have  been  obliged  to  put  down 
the  brougham  and  reduce  the  kitchen  very 
considerably. ' ' 

"  There  would  be  no  occasion  for  me  to 
go  to  the  States, ' '  Kaye  finished. 

"  What  is  the  occasion?  "  asked  Frances, 
precisely. 

"  They've  taken  up  a  project  of  amalga- 
mation— there's  no  use  going  into  it,  you 
wouldn't  understand — and  Travers  and  I 
think  it  had  better  be  looked  into.  Travers 
can't  go,  and  he  says  I  must.  As  a  co-trustee, 
with  power  from  him,  one's  vote  would  make 
a  difference.  You  see,  one  way  or  the  other, 
mother  holds  such  a  confounded  lot  of 
shares." 

4 


Those   Delightful   Americans 

"  Then  you  go — if  you  go — with  my  con- 
sent as  my  representative,"  said  my  mother- 
in-law. 

"  Certainly!  " 

"  It  must  be  considered  " — Mrs.  Kemball 
put  down  her  knitting — "  but  not  before  the 
servants,  please."  Fry  had  tottered  away 
rubbing  his  hands,  but  Parsons  was  again  ap- 
proaching with  the  dough  cake.  It  was  a  par- 
ticularly doughy  dough  cake,  but  the  best  the 
village  baker  could  do,  and  we  had  to  eat  it 
on  account  of  the  village  baker's  young  fam- 
ily and  threatened  insolvency.  All  but  Fran- 
ces, who  declared  that  her  digestion  was  of 
more  consequence  to  her  than  anything  that 
could  happen  to  the  baker.  It  was  not  every- 
body, however,  who  had  the  independence  of 
Frances.  Kaye  at  once  took  a  large  propitia- 
tory slice. 

We  talked  about  the  weather  and  the  way 
the  annuals  were  coming  on  until  Parsons 
went  away.  It  was  rather  a  strain,  but  my 
mother-in-law  would  simply  have  ignored  any 
other  reference.  Then  there  was  a  moment's 
silence,  while  we  waited  for  her  to  re-introduce 
the  subject.  Kaye  had  asked  for  a  second  cup 
before  she  did,  but  we  always  find  it  best  to  let 
her  take  her  time. 

"  If  it  is  only  a  process  of  amalgamation," 
5 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

she  said,  at  last,  "  I  don't  see  why  I  should 
not  make  up  my  mind  about  it  myself." 

"  Project,"  corrected  Kaye.  "  Then  will 
you  go  to  America1?  " 

He  intended  the  finest  irony,  but  Mrs. 
Kemball  replied:  "  I  could  not  possibly  be 
spared. ' ' 

t '  Ask  me, ' '  said  Frances ;  '  *  I  should  like 
above  all  things  a  wild  adventure. ' ' 

My  mother-in-law  saw  humour  in  this  sug- 
gestion, and  smiled.  "  Fancy  Frances,"  she 
said,  "  careering  about,  in  what  do  you  call 
them,  the  cars?  No,  I  couldn't  spare  Fran- 
ces. And  I  fail  to  see  the  necessity  for  any- 
one 's  going. ' ' 

Kaye  stirred  his  tea. 

'  *  Amalgamation, ' '  pursued  Mrs.  Kemball, 
11  means,  I  suppose,  the  introduction  of  new 
metals.  It  would  be  perfectly  easy  to  get  ad- 
vice about  that  in  England." 

I  knew  better  than  that,  but  I  also  knew 
better  than  to  say  I  did.  A  snail  had  crawled 
across  from  the  rose  garden.  I  turned  him 
over  with  the  point  of  my  parasol,  hoping 
Frances  would  not  see  him,  and  kept  silence. 
So  did  Kaye. 

"  Doesn't  it?  "  demanded  Mrs.  Kemball. 

"  No,"    said    my    husband.      "  Frances, 
you  Ve  given  me  sugar !  ' ' 
6 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  I  daresay  I  have,"  his  cousin  replied. 
' '  How  is  one  to  remember  which  of  you  takes 
sugar  and  which  of  you  takes  milk?  Just 
drink  it  up  and  say  no  more  about  it. ' ' 

"  Amalgamation  implies  the  introduction 
of  something.  Fry !  ' ' — we  waited  while  Fry 
approached — "  bring  me  the  dictionary — the 
large  Webster — from  the  shelf  nearest  the  fire- 
place in  the  morning-room.  Amalgamate — of 
course,  it  is  the  merest  common  sense.  If  not 
a  new  metal,  what  is  it  they  propose  to  intro- 
duce? " 

"  A  new  company,"  said  Kaye. 

"  I  knew  I  couldn't  be  wrong  about  such 
a  perfectly  simple  word.  Why  will  you  al- 
ways dispute  things,  dear  boy ?  Now,  will  you 
explain  why  they  want  to  introduce  a  new  com- 
pany? " 

"I'm  sorry,  but  I  can't.  I  haven't  a  no- 
tion, mum.  Thanks  for  the  bread  and  butter, 
Frances. ' ' 

"  Then  you  must  find  out  by  correspond- 
ence. Write  to  New  York." 

"  Shall  you  be  inclined,"  put  in  Frances, 
"  to  believe  everything  they  say  in  New 
York?  " 

"  Why  in  the  world,"  cried  Mrs.  Kemball, 
"  should  you  want  them  to  go  to  America, 
Frances?  " 

7 


Those  Delightful   Americans 

"  Oh,  I'm  tired  of  them,"  Frances  said, 
with  good  humour.  "  They're  so  dreadfully 
honey-moony.  When  they  come  back  perhaps 
they'll  be  more  endurable." 

This  was  ridiculous.  We  had  been  mar- 
ried four  months. 

"  But  I  don't  think,"  she  continued,  ad- 
dressing us  both,  "  that  you  have  any  busi- 
ness to  come  walking  in  at  tea-time  and  say 
you  are  going  to  America. ' ' 

"  Certainly  not.  Travers  should  have  writ- 
ten— I  should  have  been  prepared,"  said 
Mrs.  Kemball. 

"  You  should  have  said  it  when  you  went 
walking  out,"  I  added  my  reproach,  "  after 
having  led  gently  up  to  it." 

"  It's  a  perfect  thunderbolt !  "  my  mother- 
in-law  summed  up,  looking  with  immense  se- 
riousness at  the  tea-table  as  if  she  saw  it  there. 
' '  Kaye  is  exactly  like  papa  in  that.  I  remem- 
ber your  father  once,  shortly  after  we  were 
married,  telling  me  at  breakfast  that  he  in- 
tended to  go  to  Edinburgh  on  the  following 
day.  There  was  hardly  time  to  order  the  fly 
for  the  luggage. ' ' 

' '  There  is  a  meeting  of  the  shareholders, ' ' 
Kaye  observed,  "  to-morrow  fortnight." 

"  Are  you  expected?  "  Frances  asked, 
with  sarcasm. 

8 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

1 '  I  don 't  know.  Perhaps  I  shall  be  a  sur- 
prise. ' ' 

"  Oh,  well,  that  is  out  of  the  question," 
Mrs.  Kemball  said,  with  a  glance  of  slight 
anxiety  at  Kaye. 

"  The  Majestic  on  Thursday,  or  the  Cam- 
pania on  Saturday,  would  get  us  there  in  plen- 
ty of  time, ' '  replied  the  son  who  was  like  his 
father. 

"  The  Majestic  on  Thursday!  "  The  name 
of  the  ship  seemed  to  destroy  in  my  mother- 
in-law  the  spirit  of  opposition.  She  put  down 
her  knitting,  which  was  the  same  as  lowering 
her  flag. 

"  Pray  don't  take  a  record-breaker," 
Frances  remarked.  "  Those  Atlantic  liners 
are  always  breaking  each  other's  records. 
Most  immoral  and  most  dangerous  I  call  it." 

"  We'll  take  one  that  has  only  broken  her 
own  record,  if  you  think  it  would  be  safer," 
Kaye  returned,  humorously;  and  his  mother 
said, ' '  Do,  by  all  means,  if  it  is  to  be  found. ' ' 

11  If  it  had  been  India,"  said  Frances, 
meditatively,  "  one  would  have  thought  noth- 
ing of  it.  But  America  is  so  remote." 

She  was  leaning  forward  sturdily  in  her 

chair  with  her  knees  well  apart,  her  elbows 

planted  just  above  them  on  her  short  legs, 

and  her  hands  joined  at  the  finger  ends, 

9 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

dropped  in  the  space  which  is  usually  indi- 
cated as  a  lady's  lap.  As  she  lifted  a  judicial 
chin  and  looked  at  us  from  under  shaggy  eye- 
brows with  her  head  a  little  on  one  side,  I 
felt  that  the  attitude  was  an  inheritance  from 
the  bishop. 

"  It's  only  half  the  distance,"  said  Kaye, 
who  is  also  a  little  like  his  mother. 

"  If  they  are  going  to  America  they  must 
have  some  introductions,"  said  Mrs.  Kem- 
ball ;  ' '  who  is  there  we  know  with  friends  in 
the  States?  " 

"  Cook,"  said  Frances,  genially;  "  cook 
has  a  married  sister  in  New  York,  and  would 
be  pleased  to  oblige." 

"  If  it  happened  to  be  our  cook,"  I  put  in, 
"  she  might  give  me  a  character,  mightn't 
she?  " 

11  It's  all  very  well,"  returned  Frances, 
"  but  Norah's  sister's  husband  is  an  alder- 
man. Norah  says  they  use  nothing  but  solid 
silver  and  have  their  own  phonograph.  You 
may  meet  them  in  society. ' ' 

"  Fancy  Kaye  taking  cook's  sister  in  to 
dinner!  "  I  exclaimed,  for  something  to  say. 

"  It  would   do   him   good,"   pronounced 

Frances,  who  has  socialistic  sympathies  which 

the  family  unite  in  deploring.     As  she  has 

read  up  the  subject,  however,  and  nobody  else 

10 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

has,  we  find  it  more  dignified  to  ignore  the 
things  she  says,  or  to  indulge  them  with  a 
smile. 

My  mother-in-law  had  been  thinking. 
"  There  are  the  Fordyce-Pattersons, "  she 
said.  "  They  have  cousins  in  Florida,  grow- 
ing oranges,  who  might  put  you  up  for  a  week- 
end. And  I  know  some  people — Beresfords — 
belonging  to  the  Dorset  Beresfords — who 
went  out  to  a  ranche — or  was  it  a  sheep  farm  I 
— in  Texas.  But  they  have  never  been  heard 
of  since.  I  have  often  noticed  that  people  who 
go  to  America  simply  disappear." 

' '  We  '11  take  return  tickets, ' '  said  Kaye. 

"  I  believe  there  is  a  great  deal  of  grass 
land  in  Texas,  hundreds  and  thousands  of 
square  miles  of  it,"  observed  Frances;  "  I 
suppose  an  occasional  Englishman  dropped 
about  on  it  wouldn't  make  much  of  a  figure. 
He  would  be  swallowed  up. '  ' 

"  There  is  an  advantage,  isn't  there,  in 
return  tickets — they  allow  you  something," 
said  Mrs.  Kemball.  "  You  had  better  econo- 
mize where  you  can.  I  understand  the  ex- 
pense of  living  over  there  is  scandalous.  Peo- 
ple simply  throw  away  money.  A  shilling 
goes  nowhere,  and  the  hotel  waiters  expect 
gold,  like  private  servants." 

"  Do  they  expect  it  every  day!  "  asked 
11 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

Frances ;  * '  because,  in  that  case,  it  might  be 
cheaper  to  let  the  amalgamation  proceed." 

"  They  may  expect,"  said  Kaye,  with 
firmness. 

"  You  will  have  to  black  your  own  boots," 
Frances  remarked,  as  if  she  enjoyed  the  idea. 
"  Everybody  does." 

"  What  an  .extraordinary  country!  "  ejac- 
ulated Mrs.  Kemball.  ' '  In  that  case  you  must 
have  a  new  blacking-brush  and  several  tins 
of  Day  and  Martin.  I  will  write  to  the  stores 
for  it  at  once.  He  couldn't  take  the  things 
John  has  been  using  " — Mrs.  Kemball  ad- 
dressed Frances — "  John  wouldn't  under- 
stand it." 

"  You  will  see  the  inner  workings  of  a 
great  democracy.  I  wish  I  had  your  chance," 
said  Frances. 

"  I  wish  you  had.  And  I  don't  know 
about  the  inner  workings.  I  expect  I  shall  be 
quite  satisfied  with  the  outside, ' '  my  husband 
replied,  without  enthusiasm. 

"  I  shall  expect  full  accounts  of  it  by  let- 
ter, ' '  Frances  said. 

"  Oh,  my  goodness!  Carrie,  you'll  have 
to  write  them." 

"  What  shall  we  bring  you?  "  I  enquired, 
diplomatically. 

* '  I  think  I  should  like  something  made  by 
12 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

the  Indians."  I  had  addressed  Frances,  but 
it  was  my  mother-in-law  who  spoke.  "  And 
you  might  find  out  how  many  of  them  have  be- 
come converts  to  our  religion,  and  whether 
they  still  live  in  wigwams.  It  would  interest 
me  very  much  to  hear  that." 

"  I'll  ask,"  said  Kaye,  "  but  I'm  not  sure 
whether  they  would  know  in  New  York." 

"  The  squaws  are  very  civilized  indeed," 
I  said,  "  judging  by  the  pictures." 

"  Ah,  well,"  said  Frances,  "  over  there 
the  ladies  always  lead.  Have  they  adopted 
visiting  cards'?  " 

"  No,"  I  said,  "  but  they  wear  three  petti- 
coats; "  and  I  glanced  at  Frances's  limbs, 
which,  since  they  were  not  really  entitled  to 
gaiters,  were  much  too  well  defined.  She  may 
or  may  not  have  seen  the  glance.  All  she  said 
was,  "  Then  they  don't  bicycle." 

"  You  may  bring  me,"  she  continued,  "  a 
piece  of  chewing-gum.  That  is  a  thing  I  have 
a  great  curiosity  to  see.  All  Americans,  I'm 
told,  chew  gum,  so  they  call  it  chewing-gum, 
though  of  course  it  is  the  people  who  chew, 
not  the  gum.  It  is  extracted  from  a  tree  and 
it  steadies  their  nerves.  If  it  were  not  for 
chewing-gum  they  would  have  been  at  war 
with  us  long  ago." 

"  That  will  be  expensive,"  said  Kaye. 
2  13 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  They've  put  a  tax  on  it  to  help  them  pay  for 
Cuba.  Millions,  they  say,  are  rolling  in  as  the 
result. " 

11  Then  don't  be  tempted,"  Mrs.  Kemball 
said,  "  to  consume  much  of  it.  Leave  it  to 
those  who  can  afford  it." 

"  You  may  be  thankful  they  don't  put  a 
war-tax  on  people  entering  the  country," 
Frances  said.  "  I  notice  they  do  on  people 
leaving  it.  Five  dollars — that's  a  sovereign, 
isn't  it?— each." 

"  That's  very  intelligent  of  them,"  said 
Kaye.  "You  don't  often  feel  that  you're 
getting  value  for  the  money  you  spend  in 
taxes." 

"  Do  you  think  there  is  nothing  good  out- 
side of  England?  "  Frances  demanded. 

"  I  think  there  is  quite  enough  inside 
it." 

"  America  will  be  thrown  away  on  you." 

"  On  the  contrary,  I  will  be  thrown  away 
on  America,"  Kaye  retorted,  and  with  that  we 
got  up  to  go.  With  much  care  and  caution 
I  put  my  snail  again  on  a  friendly  footing; 
but  Parsons,  collecting  the  tea  things,  and 
eager  in  that  which  did  not  concern  her,  dis- 
covered him.  "  Oh,  ma'am,  there's  a  snail," 
she  said. 

1 '  Another?  "  exclaimed  Mrs.  Kemball; 
14 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  that  makes  the  seventeenth  to-day.  Kill 
it  on  the  gravel,  Kaye." 

"  Not  I,"  said  Kaye,  hurriedly;  "  I— I 
haven't  time.  We  really  ought  to  be  off, 
Carrie." 

"  Parsons." 

"  Oh,  don't  ask  me,  ma'am,  please.  It's 
such  a  messy  death,  ma'am;  a  snail." 

"  Bring  me  two  flat  stones,  Parsons,  and 
don 't  be  a  goose, ' '  said  Frances.  As  we  made 
our  farewells  I  dropped  my  parasol,  and  in 
picking  it  up  contrived  to  slip  the  snail  in- 
side. From  the  drive,  as  we  looked  back,  I 
saw  Parsons  standing  with  a  look  of  horror 
and  the  two  flat  stones,  while  the  executioner 
on  her  knees  looked  in  the  grass  for  her  vic- 
tim. My  mother-in-law  had  risen  from  her 
chair  and  was  rolling  up  her  knitting. 
<•  <  Fry, ' » I  heard  her  say, ' '  you  may  take  back 
the  dictionary." 

On  our  way  home  to  Whitewood — it  is  only 
three  miles,  and  we  were  walking — we  over- 
took the  postman,  who  handed  us  our  letters. 
Among  them  was  a  hasty  postcard  from 
Laura  Deane  begging  us  to  come  to  them  on 
Wednesday  for  some  scratch  tennis.  As  he 
gave  it  to  me  the  postman  touched  his  cap. 
"  If  you  like  to  write  it,  ma'am,  I  could  take 
the  answer  to  that  'un  on  my  round  to-morrow 
15 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

mornin'.    You'll  have  to  send  it  by  hand  else, 
as  the  party's  on  Wednesday." 

We  wondered,  as  we  accepted  Higgins's 
kind  offer,  whether  they  would  do  as  much 
for  us  in  America. 


16 


CHAPTER   II 

PERHAPS  it  may  have  been  evident  that 
my  husband  was  not  particularly  ' '  keen, ' '  as 
he  would  have  said,  about  going  to  America. 
The  only  explanation  he  seemed  able  to  give 
was  that  he  was  very  well  pleased  to  stay 
where  he  was,  unless  I  deign  to  add  his  state- 
ment that  we  should  miss  our  own  early  peas, 
and  that  he  didn't  like  depending  on  John  to 
exercise  the  horses.  These  reasons,  of  course, 
merely  show  how  non-reasonable  his  disin- 
clination was — how  purely  based  on  tempera- 
ment and  flavoured  with  insularity.  That 
seems  a  severe  word  to  use  about  one's  hus- 
band, but  if  one  interprets  it  as  attachment  to 
one's  island,  it  is  only  a  virtue  somewhat 
over-developed.  I,  too,  am  attached  to  my  is- 
land, but  not  so  far  as  to  deny  that  there  may 
be  special  attractions  in  a  continent,  or  to  be 
unenterprising  about  going  to  look  for  them — 
especially  in  the  continent  of  America.  One 
has  always  heard  such  piquant  things  about 
America.  Also,  I  had  a  fancy  that  life  in  an 
island,  even  in  the  island  of  England,  was  apt 
17 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

to  be  too  condensed,  that  there  was  not  space 
for  the  accumulation  of  centuries  to  diffuse 
themselves  properly,  and  that  we  lived  in  a 
kind  of  moral  puree.  In  America  I  knew  the 
air  would  not  be  so  thick ;  one  could  see  peo- 
ple better.  This  is  simply  to  explain  that 
Kaye,  in  representing  to  his  mother  that  he 
was  crossing  the  Atlantic  from  a  sense  of 
duty  to  her,  acted  with  sincerity,  while  I,  in 
allowing  her  to  think,  from  all  I  left  unsaid, 
that  I  accompanied  from  a  sense  of  duty  to 
Kaye,  dissimulated.  I  don't  know  whether 
I  was  justified,  but  it  is  never  expedient  to 
let  one 's  mother-in-law  think  one  enthusiastic 
about  going  very  far  away  from  her ;  she  im- 
agines things. 

The  ship  being  a  British  one  I  had  no 
more  idea  that  our  American  experiences 
would  begin  on  board  than  that  they  would 
begin  in  Liverpool,  but  there  I  was  mistaken. 
There  is  a  vague  and  formless  American  ele- 
ment to  be  perceived  in  Liverpool  in  the  sum- 
mer months — an  unknown  word  on  the  hotel 
staircase,  a  petticoat  like  a  bird  of  strange 
plumage  flitting  in  and  out  among  the  Liver- 
pudlians— but  in  the  tender  it  suddenly  thick- 
ens, and  on  the  ship.it  crystallizes  into  the 
predominating  fact.  Here  and  there  on  deck 
one  could  descry  the  form  of  a  Briton,  half 
18 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

submerged  under  his  own  flag,  but  there 
seemed  to  be  vastly  more  Americans  return- 
ing to  their  native  land  than  English  peo- 
ple making  our  voyage  of  discovery.  I  re- 
frained from  pointing  this  out  to  Kaye,  be- 
cause it  seemed  to  support  his  prejudice; 
but  otherwise  it  was  to  me  satisfactory. 
In  my  eager  and  hospitable  state  of  mind  I 
could  not  see  Americans  too  many  or  Ameri- 
cans too  diverse,  I  wanted  to  begin  at  once. 
Kaye  was  neither  pleased  nor  displeased  at 
their  preponderance,  he  was  so  entirely  taken 
up  with  the  ship.  It  was  certainly  a  large  ship, 
and  doubtless  very  wonderfully  steered,  with 
several  comfortable  floors  and  an  attic  most 
luxuriously  upholstered  and  used  as  a  library, 
but  to  me  it  was  simply  temporary  quarters  on 
the  Atlantic  for  ourselves  and  the  Americans, 
and  I  would  no  more  have  thought  of  looking 
at  its  engines  than  I  would  have  gone  poking 
about  the  axles  of  my  carriage.  Kaye,  how- 
ever, was  perpetually  "  down  "  somewhere; 
do  what  I  would  I  could  not  keep  him  out  of 
the  stoke-hole.  He  seemed  to  want  to  know  as 
much  about  the  funnels  and  boilers  and  things 
of  a  ship  as  Rudyard  Kipling  does,  which, 
considering  he  has  no  means  of  showing  it,  I 
thought  a  waste  of  time.  He  would  establish 
me  in  a  corner  of  the  deck,  as  near  to  a  group 
19 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

of  Americans  as  I  dared  to  direct  him,  and 
then  he  would  disappear.  I  thought  at  first 
that  they  would  speak  to  me  in  my  abandon- 
ment, as  I  saw  them  address  other  lonely  la- 
dies in  different  parts  of  the  deck,  but  none 
of  them  did ;  and  then  I  noticed  that  those  to 
whom  this  kindness  was  extended  received  it 
on  other  and  more  pathetic  grounds.  It  seems 
shocking  to  have  to  confess  to  masking  one's 
intentions  twice  in  one  chapter,  but  I  was  ob- 
liged in  the  end  to  close  my  eyes  and  smell  my 
salts,  otherwise  not  one  of  them  would  have 
said  a  word  to  me.  On  that  first  occasion  I 
lay  very  still,  and  presently  I  heard  a  tenta- 
tive voice  quite  close,  "  Do  you  still  feel  the 
motion  of  the  vessel1?  "  I  looked  up,  feeling 
rather  as  if  I  had  caught  a  squirrel.  There 
the  little  thing  stood  in  her  brand-new  golfing 
cape  from  Eedfern's,  and  her  smart  plaid 
skirt — plaids  were  immensely  worn  that  sea- 
son— with  her  head  on  one  side,  pausing  and 
poising  as  if  the  least  thing  would  frighten 
her  away,  and  yet  in  immediate  personal  re- 
lation with  me.  I  was  so  pleased. 

' "  I  have  not  suffered  so  much  on  this 
voyage  as  on  others,"  I  said;  "  thank  you 
very  much;  "  and  then,  seeing  the  sympa- 
thetic interest  fade  in  her  eyes,  I  added, 
hastily:  "  Not  that  I  have  ever  crossed  the 
20 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

Atlantic  before.  This  will  be  my  first  visit 
to  America." 

It  was  fascinating  to  hear  her  say '  *  Is  that 
so?  "  And  I  had  an  anxious  moment  while 
she  decided  whether  she  would  smile  and  re- 
sume her  walk,  or  sit  down  beside  me.  For- 
tunately, the  next  chair  happened  to  be  hers, 
and  she  sank  into  it.  I  at  once  resolved,  as 
soon  as  she  had  gone  away  to  look  at  the  name 
on  the  back. 

"  Well,"  she  said,  crossing  her  beautiful 
little  feet,  "  I  hope  you  will  have  as  good  a 
time  as  I  have  had  in  England.  Our  country 
is  different,  of  course — 

"I'm  sure  it's  lovely,"  I  interrupted. 

I  said  this  from  conviction  and  not  with 
any  special  wish  to  please,  but  she  looked  flat- 
tered and  gratified. 

"  It's  nice  of  you  to  say  that,"  she  said; 
"  very  nice."  She  pronounced  it  "  vurry," 
precisely  as  they  do  in  Mr.  Anstey's  Travel- 
ling Companions,  and  we  were  travelling  com- 
panions, so  there  was  nothing  lacking.  I 
longed  to  ask  her  to  go  on  about  her  country, 
but  one  could  hardly  do  it  when  she  took  it  so 
personally.  "  But  you  couldn't  like  America 
better  than  I  like  England,"  she  continued, 
with  a  breadth  of  concession  that  was  almost 
generous.  "  I  think  you  ought  to  be  proud 
21 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

of  England.  I  suppose  you  are."  She 
laughed  a  little,  as  if  we  were  on  disputable 
ground,  and  she  had  given  me  an  advantage. 

"  I  suppose  so,"  I  said;  "  I  don't  know." 

* '  Well,  I  would  know, ' '  she  returned,  and 
put  me  on  the  defensive. 

' '  Perhaps, ' '  I  said,  ' l  we  have  got  used  to 
the  feeling  and  forget  about  it.  As  one  for- 
gets about  all  sorts  of  things." 

She  looked  at  me  as  if  I  had  made  the  most 
of  my  advantage.  "  I  call  that  being  pretty 
proud  of  it  ' ' — I  thought  I  detected  a  faint  in- 
dignation in  the  way  she  said  this — "  and  I 
can't  say  I  admire  all  your  customs.  Taking 
off  your  hats  to  *  God  Save  the  King,'  for 
instance.  Why  do  you  do  that?  " 

"  I  don't,"  I  said.  In  my  astonishment 
I  could  think  of  nothing  else  to  say.  Fancy 
objecting  to  capping  the  King! 

Kaye  told  me  afterwards  that  I  should 
have  explained  that  it  was  done  as  a  mark 
of  self-respect,  but  no  one  could  think  of  a 
thing  like  that  off-hand. 

"  It's  subservient,"  she  went  on,  "  and  un- 
worthy of  a  population  of  forty  millions." 

' '  Are  there  as  many  of  us  as  that  I  "  I  ex- 
claimed. "  I  used  to  know,  but 

"  That's  your  figure.  Our  population  is 
seventy  millions, ' '  she  added,  and  comparison 
22 


Those   Delightful   Americans 

was  so  plainly  implied  that  I  felt  suddenly 
inclined  to  challenge  it. 

"  Do  the  forty  millions  include  the  Colo- 
nies and  India ?  "  I  asked. 

"  Oh,  do  you  count  the  Hindus  and  Mo- 
hammedans? " 

"  Why  not?    They  are  human  beings." 

' '  But  so  low  down  in  the  scale  of  civiliza- 
tion." 

"  They  built  the  Taj.  I  wonder  how  they 
would  compare  with  your  negroes, ' '  I  said. 

"  Our  negroes  vote!  "  she  exclaimed,  as 
if  that  were  conclusive,  and  I  suddenly  found 
that  I  was  discussing  something  with  a  perfect 
stranger.  One  couldn't  go  on  with  that.  I 
smelled  my  salts,  and  the  American  lady,  read- 
ing defeat  in  the  bottle,  was  generous  again. 
"  Well,"  she  said,  "  anyway  I  would  like  to 
take  England  and  put  it  right  down  in  the 
middle  of  our  country.  Somewhere  on  the  line 
of  the  Empire  State  Express." 

' '  May  I  ask  what  that  is  ?  "  I  said. 

"  Oh,  you'll  find  out  soon  enough.  Be- 
sides, I  couldn't  describe  it.  Nobody  could. 
There!  "  she  said,  laughing.  "  Thank  good- 
ness, that  ticket  has  turned  over  at  last.  I 
thought  it  never  would. ' '  She  was  looking  at 
the  luggage  label  attached  to  my  chair,  which 
had  been  flapping  about  in  the  wind.  "  I  was 
23 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

dying  to  see  what  your  name  was.  Mine  isn  't 
on  niy  chair,  so  I'll  have  to  give  you  my 
card." 

"  Thanks,"  I  said,  "  I  should  be  very  glad 
— any  time " 

11  Oh,  I've  got  it  here,"  and  she  had.  She 
took  it  from  one  of  those  dainty  woven  card- 
cases  they  make  on  the  Jeweller's  Bridge  at 
Florence.  It  had  a  design  of  pearls  and  ru- 
bies, and  she  kept  it  in  her  bag.  I  felt  awfully 
awkward  about  looking  at  the  card,  it  seemed 
the  sort  of  thing  one  ought  to  do  in  private. 
It  was  a  great  relief  that  she  had  a  simple, 
plain  name — "  Mrs.  Horace  Moss."  Any- 
thing quaint  or  difficult  would  have  put  one 
out  so  much  more.  Going  to  America  for  the 
first  time  one  is  ignorant  in  many  ways,  and  I 
am  ashamed  to  say  that  I  had  no  savoir  faire 
whatever  with  regard  to  Mrs.  Moss 's  card.  I 
glanced  at  it  surreptitiously,  but  I  could  not 
sit  there  holding  it  in  her  presence  for  ever — 
it  would  have  looked  as  if  she  were  a  profes- 
sional person,  a  manicurist,  or  something,  and 
I  wished  her  to  go  away.  I  know  now  that  in 
American  society  one  is  expected  to  have  a 
pocket-book  or  receptacle  of  some  kind  always 
at  hand  for  this  purpose,  as  anyone  may  pre- 
sent anyone  else  with  a  card  at  any  time ;  and 
indeed  that  is  the  only  way  to  save  one  from 
24 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

the  misery,  for  lack  of  somewhere  to  put  it, 
with  which  for  two  or  three  minutes  I  regard- 
ed Mrs.  Moss's  card.  I  finally  laid  it  down 
on  an  adjoining  chair,  whence,  to  my  great 
comfort,  as  Mrs.  Moss  was  fortunately  not 
looking,  the  wind  blew  it  into  the  sea. 

I  was  doing  my  best  to  think  of  something 
else  to  say — I  wanted  above  all  things  to  pro- 
long the  conversation — when  Mrs.  Moss  gave 
me  a  look  of  scrutiny  and  said  she  thought 
my  colour  was  coming  back.  "  You're  noth- 
ing like  as  green  as  you  were,"  she  said. 
' '  Now,  don 't  you  think  it  would  do  you  good 
to  take  a  little  walk?  " 

I  thought  that  was  really  rather  a  cool  way 
of  dismissing  one,  when  I  saw  by  the  way  she 
jumped  up  and  waited  for  me  that  it  was  an  in- 
vitation. "  Come  along,"  she  said.  I  hesi- 
tated; it  was  going  rather  far.  Then  I  re- 
flected, "  If  I  am  going  to  draw  back  at  a 
mere  invitation  to  walk,  what  is  to  become  of 
my  American  experiences?  "  and  took  the 
plunge.  I  got  up,  and  as  she  turned  one  way 
and  I  turned  the  other,  in  my  confusion  we 
bumped  against  each  other,  and  naturally  we 
laughed. 

"  A  little  thing  like  that  breaks  the  ice, 
doesn't  it?  "  said  Mrs.  Moss ;  which  was  pre- 
cisely what  I  had  been  thinking,  but  imagine 
25 


Those  Delightful   Americans 

having  the  courage  to  say  it!  We  began 
pacing  the  deck  together,  I  always  thinking 
of  things  to  talk  about,  when  presently  a  touch 
on  my  arm  made  me  start,  and  I  looked  down 
to  see  Mrs.  Moss's  small,  daintily  gloved  hand 
lying  within  it.  That,  I  think,  was  my  first 
really  supreme  moment.  Mrs.  Moss  went  on 
talking  about  the  "  water  " — she  invariably 
spoke  of  the  ocean  in  this  way — how  rough 
the  water  had  been  on  Saturday  and  how 
smooth  on  Sunday — while  I  struggled  with  the 
sensation  that  crept  up  from  my  right  elbow. 
It  seemed  such  a  curiously  foreign  body,  that 
small  hand;  the  absorbing  thing,  as  we 
walked  up  and  down,  was  how  it  had  got  there. 
It  seems  absurd,  but  I  could  think  of  nothing 
else,  and  I  talked  at  random.  I  was  aware  of 
a  cold  local  hostility ;  if  such  things  are  trans- 
mittable  through  a  coat  sleeve,  I  fear  Mrs. 
Moss  must  have  been  aware  of  it  too.  I  knew 
nothing  about  Mrs.  Moss's  hand,  its  antece- 
dents, its  practices;  it  had  never  even  come 
into  the  range  of  my  vision  before.  I  could 
not  conceive  it  bare,  yet  there  it  lay  in  the 
intimate  relation  of  a  hand  that  might  have 
had  to  do  with  my  affairs  for  years.  I  con- 
fess that  with  these  reflections  I  carried  it,  I 
relieved  her  of  it,  I  did  not  clasp  it  in  any  de- 
gree. Gradually,  however,  other  ideas  came 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

to  me.  The  hand  looked  quite  comfortable, 
and  it  was  plain  that  Mrs.  Moss  did  not  share 
my  discomposure  the  least  in  the  world.  The 
friendly  intention  was  clear,  and  so  was  the 
gentle  confidence.  How  difficult,  I  thought, 
it  would  be  to  induce  me  to  expose  my  hand 
like  that,  for  half  an  hour  at  a  time,  to  the 
scrutiny  of  a  perfect  stranger.  Yes,  or  even 
my  glove.  The  local  conditions  became  more 
humane,  the  circulation  grew  more  active  in 
my  elbow.  Presently  I  observed  that  the  hand 
was  a  link,  and  not  a  package,  and  that  two 
personalities  on  a  somewhat  unsteady  basis 
were  being  assisted  by  it.  I  never  quite  lost 
consciousness  of  Mrs.  Moss's  hand,  but  after 
that  it  became  much  less  oppressive.  It  was 
only  when  I  saw  Kaye's  cap  ascending  from 
the  regions  below  that  I  stopped  suddenly  and 
allowed  her  to  take  it  away.  I  should  have 
had  to  explain  to  Kaye,  and  perhaps  to  de- 
fend myself,  and  it  would  have  been  the  most 
difficult  thing  possible  to  make  him  understand 
the  grounds  on  which  his  wife  should  be  walk- 
ing arm  in  arm  with  a  person  about  whom 
nobody  knew  anything. 

I  have  given  Mrs.  Moss  the  importance  she 

seemed  to  have  at  the  time.     Looking  back 

upon  her  now — I  have  never  seen  her  since — 

she  seems  one  of  the  more  vivid  and  obvious 

27 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

American  illustrations,  like  a  sketch  by  Mr. 
Phil  May.  Besides,  the  incident  was  not  so 
very  wonderful.  If  I  came  across  it  now  I 
should  not  think  "  anything  "  of  it,  as  they 
say  in  the  States.  Things  of  that  sort  a  great 
deal  more  amusing  and  a  great  deal  more  ex- 
traordinary happen  there  every  day.  But 
there  she  was  at  the  very  outset,  and  I  thought 
a  great  deal  about  her  then.  Indeed,  I  had  to, 
she  told  me  so  much,  and  I  still  cherish  her 
opinion  that  Kaye  was  the  best-looking  man 
on  the  ship  except  one  of  the  stewards. 


CHAPTER   III 

"  BY  George!  "  Kaye  ejaculated,  looking 
over  the  side  upon  New  York  harbour; 
' '  they  're  rowing  in  bags !  "  So  they  were ; 
a  racing  eight,  pulling  across  our  bows  with 
a  fine,  clean,  practised  stroke.  Kaye  never 
will  ask  questions,  on  the  principle,  I  suppose, 
that  what  isn't  taught  at  an  English  public 
school  isn't  worth  knowing,  so  we  watched 
the  youths  with  mute  astonishment  as  they 
bent  to  the  oar,  trousered  in  that  tropical 
heat.  The  Americans  on  board,  I  noticed,  ex- 
panded in  it.  They  discussed  it  and  abused 
it,  and  called  it  regular  New  York  weather, 
but  it  only  brought  them  a  stimulus  which 
they  seem  to  enjoy,  and  none  of  them  were 
overcome.  The  collars  of  the  men  did  not 
crease  like  Kaye's,  and  none  of  the  ladies 
looked  parboiled,  as  I  did.  They  came  up 
from  their  cabins  like  flowers  in  frilled  mus- 
lins, they  tripped  about  excitedly  in  these,  un- 
crushed  and  unfaded.  They  seemed  rather 
pleased  with  the  extreme  after  the  equable 
temperature  of  Great  Britain ;  one  of  the  men 
3  29 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

said  to  Kaye,  who  was  fanning  himself  with 
a  New  York  paper,  ' '  Ever  felt  anything  like 
this  before?  "  in  quite  a  proud  and  satisfied 
manner.  Kaye  said,  "  Once,  at  Mandalay," 
and  the  gentleman  seemed  delighted  that  an 
Englishman  should  be  obliged  to  go  as  far  as 
Burma  for  weather  which  he,  an  American, 
could  experience  at  his  very  door.  "  If  you 
look  in  that  newspaper, ' '  he  said, ' '  you  '11  find 
that  1,000  tons  of  free  ice  were  distributed 
yesterday  to  the  poor  of  New  York. ' ' 

* '  What  a  fearful  state  of  things !  ' '  my 
husband  replied,  but  that  was  plainly  not  the 
view  the  American  expected  him  to  take.  To 
Kaye  the  temperature  was  something  people 
in  general  and  he  in  particular  had  to  breathe 
and  endure,  to  the  American  it  was  such  a 
background  as  you  do  not  find  every  day  for 
a  charity  which  nobody  out  of  New  York  had 
ever  thought  of.  It  could  not  have  been  en- 
tirely a  matter  of  imagination,  though,  for  I 
have  a  good  deal,  and  I  did  not  enjoy  it.  Now 
that  I  know  a  little  more  about  it  I  am  con- 
vinced that  if  only  a  fact  or  a  condition  is 
remarkable  enough  and  unique  enough,  no 
matter  what  its  other  characteristics  may  be, 
the  American  temperament  will  not  only  suf- 
fer it  but  exult  in  it.  This  is  one  of  the  things 
that  render  life  over  there  so  cheerful. 
30 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

Where  we  should  make  ourselves  miserable 
and  take  up  subscriptions  and  call  public  at- 
tention in  the  newspapers,  they  accept  with 
satisfaction  any  affliction  that  has  no  parallel 
elsewhere.  I  have  seen  this  done  with  bliz- 
zards and  monopolies,  and  even  Tammany. 

.  Kaye  went  about  that  morning  looking  for 
the  degree  of  humidity  until  he  caught  the 
first  engineer,  when  he  found  it  out  and  put 
it  down.  His  aversion  to  asking  questions 
only  extended  to  Americans,  by  whom,  for 
some  reason,  he  could  not  bear  to  be  told  any- 
thing. Naturally,  as  the  ship  approached  the 
docks,  past  the  statue  of  Liberty,  and  under 
the  extraordinary  buildings  called  sky-scrap- 
ers, we  had  to  submit  to  be  told  a  good  deal, 
but  he  never  brought  it  upon  himself  with  an 
interrogation.  It  was  different  with  the  first 
engineer,  who  was  a  Cumberland  man.  The 
last  question  Kaye  asked  him  was  how  soon 
he  could  come  down  to  Whitewood,  and  on  two 
occasions  I  saw  one  of  them  take  the  other 
by  the  elbow.  So  my  husband  should  not  be 
accused  of  class  prejudices.  He  once  said 
that  Americans  explained  things  to  him  with 
a  kind  of  distressed  patience  as  if  they  never 
could  make  him  understand,  which,  of  course, 
would  account  for  a  good  deal.  Nobody  likes 
to  give  unnecessary  pain. 
31 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

I  seem  to  have  great  difficulty  in  getting  off 
the  ship,  but  the  ship  was  very  introductory ; 
it  brought  me  after  all  to  the  portal.  I  re- 
member looking  round  me  on  board  that  morn- 
ing, and  thinking  how  vague  and  confused  my 
impressions  were  so  far — as  if  in  the  sum  of 
my  fellow  passengers  there  were  too  many 
patterns  to  construct  any  single  kind  of  per- 
son from  and  say,  "  This  is  an  American  " 
— and  wondering  whether  anything  would 
happen  to  simplify  one 's  views.  We  were  sit- 
ting in  long  rows  on  each  side  of  the  middle 
table  of  the  saloon,  at  the  end  of  which  sat  a 
man  with  a  bristly  moustache  swearing  each 
of  us  in  turn  about  the  contents  of  our  boxes. 
He  and  his  assistant  looked  like  judge  and 
jury,  and  the  passengers  so  like  prisoners 
passing  in  review  before  him  as  we  moved, 
chair  by  chair,  towards  sentence  or  acquittal, 
that  I  had  it  on  the  tip  of  my  tongue  to  say 
* '  Not  guilty  ' '  when  my  turn  came,  and  take 
the  consequences.  It  seemed  an  extreme  pro- 
ceeding, putting  one  on  oath  about  one's  mere 
luggage,  and  I  could  see  that  it  fidgeted  Kaye. 
It  was  a  little  as  if  Mr.  Roosevelt  laid  hands 
on  one's  conscience,  the  accredited  instru- 
ment of  a  higher  power  than  any  President, 
and  squeezed  it,  as  it  were,  to  fatten  his  rev- 
enues. It  made  one  feel  dreadfully  particular 
32 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

— I  suppose  that  is  what  it  is  intended  to  do ; 
and  from  the  rigidity  of  Kaye's  neck  as  he 
sat  in  the  revolving  chair  scanning  his  paper 
of  instructions  with  his  back  half  turned  to 
me  I  gathered  what  his  idea  of  accuracy  would 
be.  It  was  easy  enough  to  avoid  the  penalty 
of  a  thousand  dollars  and  confinement  or 
confiscation — I  don't  remember  which — for 
tipping  the  customs  examiners  by  not  tipping 
them;  but  the  clause  allowing  one  to  possess 
twenty  pounds '  worth  of  new  clothes  and  jew- 
ellery suitable  to  one 's  station  in  life,  and  the 
furious  hostility  of  the  President  to  sealskin, 
presented  difficulties.  As  Kaye  said  after- 
wards, it  would  be  much  simpler  if  they  would 
permit  one  to  bring  in  only  what  could  be  tied 
up  in  a  bandana  handkerchief.  This  would 
be  appropriate,  coming  to  a  new  country,  and 
put  one  in  the  mood  to  make  one's  fortune; 
but  they  shouldn't  complain,  in  that  case,  if 
a  man  turned  up  at  the  opera  in  tweeds.  That 
was  the  reflection  of  a  more  frivolous  hour; 
what  he  said  at  the  moment  gloomily  to  me 
was,  "  I  wish  we  had  decided  to  send  the 
pearls  to  Grindlay."  So  did  I,  with  all  my 
heart,  but  there  they  were  in  my  dressing-case 
and  in  my  lap,  for  I  could  not,  in  the  confusion 
of  these  last  hours,  leave  them  in  the  cabin. 
There  they  were,  and  already  I  could  see 
33 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

through  the  port-hole  the  spires  and  sky- 
scrapers of  a  democracy  which,  unless  it  con- 
sidered them  suitable  to  my  rank  and  station, 
would  only  admit  them  on  payment  of  a  much 
larger  sum  than  Kaye  could  afford. 

"  Perhaps,"  I  whispered,  "  they  would 
let  us  send  them  back  by  the  captain,"  but 
Kaye  shook  his  head. 

The  man  with  the  bristly  moustache  re- 
quested my  husband  to  fill  in  upon  a  form  his 
Christian  name,  his  age,  occupation,  and  des- 
tination. Kaye  turned  to  me  in  the  act  of 
doing  this,  and  said,  "  These  questions  are 
perfectly  proper,  dear."  But  I  should  have 
been  the  last  to  protest,  and  I  think  he  did  it 
for  the  effect  upon  his  own  self-respect. 

' '  Can  you  say, ' '  said  the  customs  officer, 
mechanically,  "  that  you  have  nothing  duti- 
able in  your  possession?  Will  you  swear  to 
this!  If  so,  kindly  sign  here. " 

"  Certainly  not,"  said  Kaye. 

The  officer  leaned  back  in  his  chair  with 
an  air  of  being  perfectly  prepared  for  this. 
"  Well,"  he  said,  "  why  not?  Do  you  object 
to  taking  the  oath,  or  have  you  anything  to 
declare?  " 

"  I  cannot  possibly  say  offhand  whether 
I  have  more  or  less  than  twenty  pounds' 
worth  of  new  clothes  with  me,"  said  Kaye. 
34 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  Oh,  I  guess  you  can  tell  about,  can't 
you  ?  ' '  the  officer  said,  indulgently. 

"  I  am  not  asked  to  make  an  approxima- 
tion, I  am  asked  to  take  a  precise  oath, ' '  re- 
plied my  husband.  I  pinched  him  gently  to 
signify  applause,  but  Kaye  did  not  need  any- 
thing of  that  kind.  "And,  unfortunately,  I 
haven't  my  tailor's  bill  with  me,"  he  contin- 
ued. * '  Besides,  there  are  two  or  three.  You 
remember  those  things,"  he  said  to  me, 
"  that  you  ordered  from  Collins  at  the  last 
minute?  " 

"  They  came,"  I  said,  with  confidence, 
"  to  £1  11s.  7|d.  I  remember  perfectly." 

"  I'll  be  satisfied,"  said  the  officer,  yawn- 
ing, "  with  an  approximation.  People  who 
can  remember  sevenpence  ha'penny — 

' '  Thank  you, ' '  replied  my  husband ;  ' '  but 
the  matter  lies  between  the  American  Gov- 
ernment, my  conscience,  and  myself. ' ' 

"  I'll  take  the  responsibility.  Just  sign, 
please,  and  pass  on.  I  can't  do  business  with 
you  all  day,  Mr.  Kemball. ' ' 

At  this  point  I  heard  a  lady  behind  me 
exclaim:  "  If  that's  not  a  good-natured 
man!  "  But  I  am  not  sure  which  of  them 
she  referred  to. 

"  I  am  afraid,"  said  Kaye,  still  keeping 
his  temper  admirably,  ' '  that  the  responsibil- 
35 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

ity  must  remain  with  me.  But  if  you  would 
kindly  give  me  a  little  time,  in  which  to  con- 
sult with  my  wife,  and  consent  to  take  my  dep- 
osition afterwards " 

"  Great  Scott,  yes!  "  exclaimed  the  offi- 
cer. "  Go  and  think  about  it  and  add  it  up. 
But  don't  ask  us  to  calculate  forty  per  cent 
on  the  odd  fivepence  three  farthings  if  it 
comes  to  that.  Try  and  lie  and  make  it  six- 
pence— you  won't  get  into  any  trouble.  Now 
for  the  lady.  Well,  madam?  " 

"  I  haven't  got  anything  like  twenty 
pounds '  worth  of  new  clothes, ' '  I  hastened  to 
say,  "  but " 

"  Then  that's  all  right.    Kindly " 

1 1  But, ' '  I  said, '  *  I  have  a  pearl  necklace. ' ' 

The  officer  looked  at  me.  '  *  I  don't  see  why 
you  shouldn't  have  a  pearl  necklace,"  he  said. 

Kaye  had  come  up  behind  me.  ' '  My  wife 
is  unable  to  swear  that  it  is  suitable  to  her 
station  in  life,"  he  put  in. 

' '  Oh,  are  you  there  f  I  thought  you  were 
considering  your  bills.  What's  the  value  of 
the  pearl  necklace!  " 

"  Five  hundred  and  twenty  pounds,"  re- 
turned Kaye. 

"  Four  shillings  and  tuppence,"  added 
the  customs  officer,  as  if  absent-mindedly. 
"  Well,  that's  more  than  I'd  care  to  give  for 
36 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

a  necklace,  but,  judging  from  appearances,  I 
should  think  you  could  pretty  near  live  up  to 
it.  What  makes  you  think  you  can't?  " 

"  The  necklace  came  to  my  wife,"  said 
Kaye,  distantly,  "  from  a  relation  on  her 
mother's  side,  who  was  a  lady  of  rank — a 
marchioness,  in  fact,  and — 

'  *  And  we  are  only  ordinary  people, ' '  I  fin- 
ished for  him. 

"  On  a  very  ordinary  income,"  added 
Kaye. 

"  So  you  see — "  said  I. 

The  officer  scratched  his  head,  not  because 
of  any  embarrassment,  but  in  order,  I  believe, 
to  irritate  Kaye. 

' '  I  guess  a  good  many  ordinary  people  in 
the  United  States  wear  necklaces  about  that 
price  every  day, ' '  he  said. 

"  But  we  do  not  belong  to  the  United 
States,"  my  husband  replied.  "  I  shall  be 
very  glad  if  you  can  pass  the  necklace,  but 
I  wish  you  to  be  acquainted  with  the  facts. ' ' 

"  Look  here,"  said  the  officer,  "  don't  you 
worry  about  the  marchioness.  She  may  have 
been  a  bigger  swell  than  you  are,  but  if  she 
chose  to  will  you  the  necklace  that  was  her 
look-out.  Anyway,  we  ain't  going  to  enquire 
over  here  whether  you've  got  a  coronet  to 
match  or  not.  See !  That  clause  that  made 
37 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

you  bring  the  marchioness  from  the  dead  is 
only  a  general  provision — 

* '  It  must  be  entirely  devoid  of  meaning, ' ' 
said  Kaye. 

"  Oh,  not  so  bad  as  that,  but  we'll  pass 
the  necklace.  Now,  madam,  nothing  else,  I 
suppose?  There  are  115  people  waiting  be- 
hind your  chair.  No  sealskins  ?  ' ' 

He  was  really  quite  pleasant,  in  spite  of 
the  extraordinary  things  he  said. 

"  Yes,"  I  replied,  confidently,  "  I've  got 
a  sealskin  cloak.  But  I  suppose  that  will  be 
all  right?  " 

The  expression  of  the  customs  officer  sud- 
denly changed.  It  was  then  that  I  noticed 
how  bristly  his  moustache  was. 

"  I'll  have  to  trouble  you  for  particulars 
about  that, ' '  he  said.  "  Is  it  a  new  one ?  ' ' 

"  It  is  and  it  isn't,"  I  said,  in  some  em- 
barrassment. 

"  I've  got  to  get  you  to  say  what  you  mean 
by  that?  " 

11  It  has  recently  been  done  up,"  I  said, 
"  by  very  good  people.  It  looks  as  good  as 
new. ' ' 

I  received  the  first  glance  of  real  suspicion 
I  ever  recognised  in  my  life. 

"  How  long  has  it  been  in  your  posses- 
sion? "  he  asked. 

38 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  Only  since  Christmas." 

"  Then  it  was  new  at  Christmas'?  " 

' '  Not  exactly.  It  had  belonged  to — to  an- 
other person. ' ' 

' '  It  was  made  up, ' '  said  Kaye,  furiously, 
'  l  out  of  various  furs  belonging  to  my  wife 's 
mother-in-law;  but  I  don't  see — 

"  You  don't  need  to  see,"  said  the  officer, 
thoughtfully,  biting  the  end  of  his  pencil. 
"Are  the  skins  pelagic?  " 

"  I  don't  know,"  I  said,  miserably;  "  but 
I  always  keep  them  in  camphor. ' ' 

"  The  skins,"  said  Kaye,  "  were  brought 
from  Canada  twenty-eight  years  ago  by  a 
British  officer.  They  have  been  taken  care  of. 
I  believe  there  was  no  question  of  pelagic 
sealing  at  that  time. ' ' 

"  Maybe  not,  but  we  don't  like  'em  any 
better  when  they  come  from  Canada.  I'd  ad- 
vise you  to  own  up  to  that  sealskin,  if  you 
want  to  keep  it." 

"  Own  up!  " 

"  Bound  to  let  'em  pay  on  something,"  I 
heard  him  say  to  the  next  comer  as  I  went 
with  Kaye  to  another  part  of  the  saloon.  I 
cannot  see  there  was  any  necessity.  How- 
ever, we  had  our  revenge,  for  Kaye's  excess 
value  of  new  clothes  did  come  to  a  total  with 
farthings.  He  could  not  avoid  it. 
39 


CHAPTER   IV 

I  EXPECTED,  when  my  foot  pressed  Ameri- 
can soil  for  the  first  time,  to  have  rather  a 
profound  sensation,  something  I  could  talk 
about  seriously  afterwards  with  the  kind  of 
person  one  meets  at  dinner  in  Cavendish 
Square.  I  believe  I  had  arranged  my  impres- 
sion ;  it  was  to  include  a  sense  of  kinship  and 
an  immense  appreciation  of  material  re- 
sources and  a  lively  regret  for  the  shortsight- 
edness of  Lord  North  a  century  and  a  quarter 
ago.  I  intended  not  to  be  able  to  rid  myself 
of  the  thought  of  tea  duties  and  Cornwallis 
and  Yorktown  for  at  least  half  a  day,  and  to 
be  oppressed  for  a  much  longer  period  by  the 
thought  of  the  loss  of  my  country's  greatest 
opportunity.  These  are  the  feelings  the  oc- 
casion should  evoke — they  rise,  I  notice,  in 
every  British  bosom  that  afterwards  confides 
in  print,  and  the  more  distinguished  the 
bosom  the  keener  the  emotion.  I  am  sorry 
not  to  be  able  to  describe  and  claim  them;  I 
regret  to  say  that  they  never  entered  my 
mind.  This  in  spite  of  my  having  made  a  spe- 
40 


Those  Delightful   Americans 

cial  visit  to  Westminster  to  see  the  tablet  to 
the  memory  of  Major  Andre  and  the  vat  in 
which  his  remains  were  afterwards  brought  to 
England  in  order  to  prepare  myself.  Instead 
of  any  of  these  things,  I  felt,  I  confess,  agree- 
ably exhilarated.  I  hope  it  does  not  reflect 
on  one 's  loyalty,  but  I  had  a  tremendous  feel- 
ing of  escape  for  the  time  being  from  what 
one  was  expected  to  do  into  a  wide  and  won- 
derful region  where  one  could  do  exactly  as 
one  pleased.  I  found  out  before  long  that 
this  anticipation  was  extravagant,  but  at  the 
time  I  might  have  been  running  away  from 
school,  joining  indefinite  numbers  of  other 
truants,  whose  behaviour  suggested  on  every 
hand  the  prospect  of  a  magnificently  good 
time.  They  say  we  are  really  more  free  in 
England,  but  we  haven't  the  atmosphere  of 
it;  the  gay  people  of  New  York  may  be  in 
chains  to  their  democracy — ga  ne  se  volt  pas-, 
one  can  only  say  that.  History  vanished  be- 
fore one  into  the  accomplished  fact,  and  the 
accomplished  fact  was  too  immediately  fas- 
cinating to  lament  upon  how  it  came  about. 
There  was  an  irresponsible  brightness  in  the 
air  which  laid  hold  of  you ;  it  made  you  think, 
by  some  association  of  ideas,  of  that  joyous 
being — an  American  duchess.  I  had  only 
made  my  bow  to  one  of  them  and  passed  on 
41 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

immediately  out  of  her  range  of  vision;  but 
here  were  all  the  originals  of  the  American 
duchess — the  procession  of  them  was  daz- 
zling. I  literally  wished  for  a  sense  of  kin- 
ship, but  it  would  not  come ;  the  differences, 
not  the  similarities,  were  what  struck  one. 
The  family  tie  wouldn't  appear,  the  best  I 
could  do  was  a  belief  in  connection  by  mar- 
riage. Walking  in  Oxford  Street  one  doesn't 
think  of  duchesses,  yet  there  in  Fifth  Avenue 
they  all  were,  pausing  at  the  shop  windows, 
showing  pink  silk  petticoats  at  the  crossings, 
getting  in  and  out  of  the  "  street-cars." 
What  fascinated  me  most  in  that  first  bewil- 
dering moment  was  hearing  everywhere  about 
me  the  common  tongue.  All  this  new  life  and 
colour  and  movement  was  expressing  itself 
in  a  way  that  I  could  perfectly  understand; 
that  was  what  Kaye  would  call  the  jolly  part 
of  it.  I  wanted  fifty  pairs  of  ears.  The  Eng- 
lish language,  too,  seemed  a  kind  of  promis- 
cuous introduction — it  put  me  on  terms  with 
all  these  lively  people — and  I  was  consumed 
with  impatience  to  see  what  they  would  have 
to  say  to  me,  what  I  should  have  to  say  to 
them.  I  wanted  to  make  acquaintances,  any 
number  of  acquaintances,  beginning  any- 
where, but  at  once.  People  at  home  who  knew 
us  would  have  been  amused,  no  doubt,  to  see 
42 


Those  Delightful   Americans 

us  that  morning  in  Fifth  Avenue ;  Kaye  with 
his  head  thrown  back  at  a  perpetual  angle 
scanning  the  sky-line  of  the  buildings  oppo- 
site, I  in  my  pleasure  almost  openly  smiling 
at  the  Americans,  as  if  I  wished — as,  indeed, 
I  did  wish — to  say,  "  I  have  just  crossed  the 
ocean  to  see  you,  and  this,  I  observe,  is  the 
front  door,  so  let  me  in — you  might — it  was  a 
long  way  to  come  to  pay  you  that  civility." 
That  was  my  overwhelming  desire,  to  get  in. 
Kaye's  was  different  but  quite  as  keen.  He 
wanted  to  find  out  at  once  whether  one  could 
get  permission  to  ascend  the  sky-scrapers. 

We  were  on  our  way  to  the  hotel,  but  we 
knew  a  great  deal  better  than  to  go  in  a  cab. 
There  seemed  to  be  no  cabs  really,  only  car- 
riages with  cabmen.  They  looked  very  com- 
fortable, but  Kaye  said  we  might  as  well  be- 
gin the  way  we  meant  to  go  on,  and  we  cer- 
tainly did  not  mean  to  go  on  in  those  convey- 
ances, knowing  as  we  did  that  they  were  built 
to  carry  American  fortunes.  When  our 
things  were  finally  got  together,  Kaye  looked 
at  the  sum  of  them  and  asked  for  a  luggage 
van,  but  they  brought  him  a  person  called  an 
express  agent,  a  kind  of  Carter,  Paterson. 
Only  in  London,  if  you  want  anything  deliv- 
ered, you  must  go  and  ask  Carter,  Paterson ; 
in  New  York  Carter,  Paterson  comes  and  asks 
43 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

you.  Several  cabbies  came  up  at  the  same 
time  and  offered  to  take  the  luggage,  and 
asked  where  we  were  going  and  made  propo- 
sitions— this  was  quaint  too;  fancy  the  cab- 
bies at  Paddington  opening  the  question  of  a 
bargain ! — but  Kaye  said  no,  we  had  been  told 
how  to  get  there,  we  were  going  to  walk,  and 
handed  everything  over  to  the  express  agent, 
dressing-cases,  hat-boxes,  portmanteaux,  and 
all.  He  said  it  would  be  forty  cents,  which 
seemed  reasonable  until  we  arrived  at  the  ho- 
tel and  found  he  meant  forty  cents  apiece. 
It  would  have  been  cheaper  to  take  two  cabs ! 
Kaye  thought  he  had  been  done  and  wanted 
to  make  a  fuss,  but  the  hotel  people  told  him 
it  was  quite  right. 

In  every  hotel  in  the  world  after  being  in 
one's  room  about  ten  minutes  one  has  occa- 
sion to  ring,  and  at  the  end  of  that  time  I 
rang.  I  wanted  the  chambermaid.  Presently 
there  came  brisk  steps  and  a  knock,  accom- 
panied by  an  intermittent  jingling  sound.  I 
opened  the  door  to  a  buttons,  bearing  a  large 
jug.  "  Kindly  send  me  the  chambermaid," 
said  I.  He  looked  at  me  sharply,  and  put  the 
jug  down  just  inside  the  door.  "  Chamb'- 
maid?  "  he  said;  "  right."  "  Stop,"  said  I, 
"  you've  forgotten  your  jug,"  which  I  now 
saw  contained  water  and  large  pieces  of  ice. 
44 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  No  I  ain't,"  said  he;  "  might  as  well  leave 
it  now.  You  '11  be  ringin '  for  it  in  another  two 
shakes."  "  My  good  boy — "  said  I,  but  he 
was  gone. 

I  stood  looking  at  the  jug,  in  which  the 
ice  still  gurgled  up  and  down,  and  in  a 
few  minutes  the  chambermaid  came — a  very 
pleasant-looking  young  person. 

' '  I  should  be  glad, ' '  said  I,  "  if  you  would 
put  the  room  to  rights  while  we  are  at  dinner, 
as  I  shall  want  to  go  to  bed  very  soon  after- 
wards." 

"  Why,  yes,"  she  said;  "I'd  just  as  soon 
as  not." 

I  looked  at  her  in  astonishment,  but  her 
manner  was  quite  obliging — it  was  impossible 
to  be  annoyed.  i  i  And  will  you  bring  the  hot 
water  now?  "  I  asked. 

"  Hot  water?    Oh  yes!  " 

It  was  the  kind  and  patronizing  note  of 
complete  local  savoir  faire  to  the  new-comer, 
for  whom  all  kinds  of  allowance  had  to  be 
made.  I  sat  down  under  it,  helpless,  on  the 
edge  of  the  bed,  and  called  to  Kaye  in  the 
room  opening  out  of  mine — we  had  to  man- 
age that  way,  as  they  seemed  to  have  no  dress- 
ing-rooms— ' '  Did  you  ever  hear  anything  like 
that?  " 

"When  the  hot- water  knock  came,  it  was  the 
4  45 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

boy  again,  and  he  brought  it  steaming  in  an- 
other jug  on  a  tray,  with  a  glass.  "  What's 
this  ?  "  I  asked.  ' '  Chamb  'maid  told  me  you 
wanted  hot  water,  an'  I've  brung  you  hot 
water. ' '  He  looked  deeply  offended. 

"  Kaye,"  I  cried,  "  I  wish  you'd  come 
here  and  explain.  They've  brought  us  hot 
water  to  drink!  " 

* '  Ain  't  that  what  you  want  it  f  or  ?  "  asked 
the  boy,  a  trifle  less  resentfully. 

"  Tell  him  you  want  it  in  a  can,"  called 
my  husband. 

* '  Well,  we  ain't  got  no  cans.  What  d'you 
want  it  in  a  can  for?  " 

1 '  To  wash  with,  naturally, ' '  I  said,  but  the 
boy  did  not  take  the  slightest  notice  of  my 
manner. 

"  Ain't  she  put  water  in  your  washer  f  " 
And  without  waiting  for  an  answer,  he  walked 
over  and  inspected  the  washhand-stand. 
"  Plenty  here,  "he  said. 

"  But  it's  cold,"  said  I.  Fancy  being  ex- 
pected to  wash  in  cold  water  at  the  end  of  a 
journey,  and  a  journey  of  four  thousand  miles ! 

"Well,"  said  the  boy,  "you've  got  a 
pitcher  'f  ice-water  to  drink,  an'  you've  got 
a  pitcher  'f  boiling  water  to  drink,  an'  you've 
got  plenty  cold  in  your  washer.  That 's  about 
all  we  get  asked  for,  anyhow  this  weather. ' ' 
46 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

It  certainly  was  warm,  warmer  than  ever, 
but  if  established  customs  were  to  be  at  the 
mercy  of  mere  changes  of  temperature !  The 
boy  went,  and  cautiously  tempering  my  boil- 
ing beverage  with  my  iced  beverage  I  was 
able  to  wash  my  hands.  I  was  acquainted 
with  hot  water  as  a  drink ;  my  mother-in-law 
sometimes  makes  whole  meals  of  it,  with  a 
little  minced  beef  and  dry  toast,  but  there 
must  be  a  great  deal  of  dyspepsia  in  the 
States  when  it  is  brought  by  bell-boys  as  a 
matter  of  course. 

At  dinner  we  felt  quite  exhilarated  by  the 
odd  things  they  gave  us  to  eat.  I  wouldn't 
have  anything  that  I  knew  the  name  of,  so  as 
to  make  the  repast  completely  interesting. 
Kaye  was  less  adventurous;  he  tried  the 
frogs'  legs,  but  depended  solidly  upon  the 
joint,  which  was  international.  I  am  not  go- 
ing to  dwell  on  the  dinners,  however — that 
would  be  ridiculous  in  view  of  how  much  else 
there  is — further  than  to  say  that  this  one  in- 
spired us  with  the  energy  to  go  out  and  look 
at  the  voluminous  and  extraordinary  light 
and  noise  that  was  beating  up  and  down 
Broadway  just  outside  the  hotel.  It  sounded 
from  the  inside  the  wildest  anarchy — there 
was  none  of  the  regular  thunder  and  throb  of 
London — rather  as  if  the  city  were  in  the 
47 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

throes  of  an  uncontrollable  hysteria,  and 
shrieked  without  a  pause.  Outside  we  were 
able,  after  the  first  alarming  moment — we 
seemed  swept  back  through  the  swinging 
doors  of  the  hotel — to  analyze  the  tumult. 
You  find  the  cobbles  of  it  in  the  Rue  de  1'Op- 
£ra,  the  congestion  in  Ludgate  Circus,  but 
only  in  Broadway  the  cobbles,  the  congestion, 
and  the  cable-cars.  The  cobbles  send  up  a 
fundamental  din,  the  congestion  clatters  over 
them,  and  through  it  all,  with  incredible  swift- 
ness and  violence,  speeds  the  cable-car,  utter- 
ing the  most  awful  warning  note  that  could 
be  imagined  out  of  savage  warfare.  It  was 
unparalleled  to  me,  but  Kaye  said  he  had 
heard  something  like  it  the  year  he  was  in 
Burma,  where  coolies  cut  iron  beams  the  right 
length  with  steel  and  a  hammer.  This  sound 
is  made  perpetually  by  some  unspeakable 
electric  agency  connected  with  the  driver's 
foot,  and  forms,  as  it  were,  the  highest  note 
of  the  shriek  of  the  city.  It  is  a  terrific 
menace,  but  perhaps  it  is  necessary,  for  de- 
struction by  cable-car  would  be  a  fearful  way 
of  leaving  the  world.  They  bear  down  upon 
you  from  both  directions,  one  after  the  other, 
like  rapid  invincible  fates.  You  see  one,  a 
mere  parallelogram,  in  the  far  distance;  it 
grows  and  broadens  and  threatens;  it  is  a 
48 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

hundred  yards  away,  whirling  imprecations ; 
it  is  upon  you ;  it  is  passed  into  the  more  in- 
definite tumult  behind,  and  another  is  swiftly 
upon  its  track.  By  some  merciful  interposi- 
tion of  Providence  your  life  has  been  saved ; 
you  have  not  even  been  shot  through  a  plate 
glass  window,  and  you  are  extremely  thank- 
ful. At  least  we  were.  Conversation  was  im- 
possible, but  an  idea  came  to  me  that  I  had 
to  communicate.  I  motioned  to  Kaye  to  in- 
cline his  ear  to  me.  '  *  Think, ' '  I  shouted  into 
it,  "  of  Frances  and  her  grievance  against  the 
rooks!  " 

Presently  Kaye  was  stirred  to  embark 
upon  a  bold  adventure;  he  would  ride  in  a 
cable-car.  Other  people  got  on  and  got  off,  he 
pointed  out ;  it  was  probably  not  as  perilous 
as  it  looked ;  there  was  no  reason  why  we  also 
should  not  essay  it.  I  protested  that  the  other 
people  were  Americans  and  temperamentally 
equal  to  such  feats;  that  they  didn't  seem  to 
mind  whether  the  car  stopped  or  not;  that, 
though  we  had  seen  nobody  killed  yet,  that 
was  just  the  reason  why  we,  laborious  for- 
eigners who  were  accustomed  always  to  have 
one  foot  upon  the  ground,  should  supply  the 
spectacle.  I  also  said  that  I  didn't  want  to, 
but  Kaye  would  keep  on  waving  his  stick. 
For  some  time  it  seemed  as  if  the  drivers 
49 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

themselves  thought  we  ought  not  to  get  on. 
They  dashed  past  in  numbers,  taking  not  the 
slightest  notice,  and  Kaye  had  just  decided 
that  there  must  be  a  signal  code  which  we 
should  have  to  learn,  when  a  lady  very  kindly 
told  us  that  we  must  hail  them  from  the  op- 
posite corner.  She  smiled  so  prettily  as  she 
spoke;  she  had  white  hair  and  dark  eyes, 
and  looked  most  sympathetic.  I  wished  we 
could  have  asked  her  if  it  was  dangerous  for 
strangers,  but,  of  course,  she  was  gone  almost 
immediately.  The  next  car  stopped  and  we 
ran  at  it,  but  not  fast  enough  to  satisfy  the 
conductor,  who  spoke  to  Kaye  as  he  got  in. 
' '  Get  a  hustle  on !  "he  said  to  Kaye.  Kaye 
turned  upon  him.  "  Do  not  address  me  in 
that  way  again, ' '  he  said.  But  at  that  instant 
the  car  leaped  forward,  and  I  fell  into  the  lap 
of  a  large  Jewish  gentleman  with  diamonds 
in  his  shirt  front,  and  Kaye  sat  down  very 
suddenly  upon  a  little  girl.  * '  Why, ' '  replied 
the  conductor,  before  we  had  time  to  recover 
ourselves,  "  don't  y'  like  it?  " 

We  were  aboard  and  abroad,  dashing 
through  the  light  and  life  and  circumstances 
of  the  streets  of  New  York  to  the  furious 
clangour  of  that  anvil-devil  under  the  driver 's 
foot.  Cars  tore  past  us  raging  equally,  cars 
preceded  us,  cars  followed  us.  Evening  grew, 
50 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

as  it  were,  reluctantly  upon  the  uproar, 
fought  back  by  the  electric  flashing  shop 
fronts.  The  trams  were  open,  with  seats 
across  and  across ;  I  watched  the  people  get- 
ting in  and  out.  They  had  pale  faces  and 
dark,  shadowy  eyes — nowhere  the  broad  red 
British  chop — and  an  immense  look  of  sophis- 
tication, of  life,  which,  nevertheless,  sat  upon 
them  casually.  None  of  them  looked  worn  or 
anxious ;  there  were  no  charwomen  in  wizened 
black  bonnets  getting  home  with  a  basket. 
One  shouldn't  generalize  too  much,  but  I 
thought  I  saw  an  easy  satisfaction  tinged  with 
cynicism,  an  immense  sang-froid  about  what 
might  happen  next  in  the  men,  especially  the 
men  who  smoked  cigars  and  wore  pink  shirts. 
The  women  had  clouds  of  hair  about  their 
faces,  and  looked  epitomes  of  dramatic  possi- 
bility. They  were  more  pictorial  than  the 
men,  but  they  had  the  same  acceptance  of 
the  facts  of  life,  with  a  subtle  hint  of  con- 
sciousness of  power  to  mould  them.  And 
they  knew  very  well  where  they  were  going. 
Three  or  four  young  and  pretty  ones  sitting 
in  front  of  us  wore  no  hats.  They  put  their 
arms  round  one  another's  waists  and  sang, 
looking  from  side  to  side  with  entertainment, 
as  the  car  tore  on.  I  looked  to  see  if  they 
were  also  barefooted — they  were  shod  in  kid ! 
51 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

There  was  an  accent  about  everybody,  an  ef- 
fect; they  might  all  have  been  doing  their 
turns  at  a  huge  variety  show,  all  "  on  "  to- 
gether, and  it  baffled  imagination  to  guess 
what  they  were  like  when  they  were  off.  The 
sense  of  kinship  retreated  further  and  fur- 
ther. I  thought,  "  How  continental!  "  But 
whether  I  meant  Paris  or  Naples  or  Vienna 
I  was  not  sure. 

We  sat  and  gazed.  The  flying  car  made  a 
grateful  coolness ;  it  was  plain  that  many  of 
these  people  had  come  for  the  mere  jaunt  of 
it,  as  we  had.  Some  of  them  had  delicate 
scents  about  them,  which  spread  upon  the 
soft,  moist  air,  and  added  another  fantastic 
note.  Exquisite  toilettes  ascended  and  de- 
scended— the  sort  of  thing,  positively,  that 
might  be  worn  at  a  Marlborough  House  gar- 
den-party— exquisite  coiffures,  and  sat  down 
in  this  most  common  carrier  beside  fat  Ger- 
mans with  no  collars,  puffing  meerschaums, 
all  taking  the  air — the  air  of  Broadway.  The 
shops  were  closing,  but  we  could  still  read 
some  of  the  placards.  One  of  them  said, 
' '  Our  hats  are  ice  cold. ' '  We  wondered  what 
it  meant,  and  Kaye  said  he  would  go  and  buy 
one  to-morrow  to  see  what  the  refrigerating 
arrangement  was.  "  What  won't  they  in- 
vent! "  said  Kaye.  He  was  thoroughly  en- 
52 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

joying  his  evening.  We  sat  on  in  the  car  till 
it  brought  us  back — I  know  now  that  when  we 
thought  we  were  getting  into  the  country  we 
were  only  at  the  Battery — and  Kaye  saw 
more  sky-scrapers  than  he  had  any  idea  there 
were.  It  is  still  to  me  a  wonderful  sharp  pic- 
ture, and  I  write  about  it  with  excitement, 
that  first  glimpse  of  New  York  by  New  York's 
own  way  of  getting  about.  The  sensation  was 
a  little  cruel  at  the  time  but  most  dramatic, 
and  a  triumph  to  boast  of  over  the  base  in- 
stincts which  tempt  one  in  crucial  moments  to 
run  away.  Kaye,  too,  remembers  it  with 
pleasurable  interest,  tempered  by  the  con- 
ductor. As  we  were  getting  out  this  person 
addressed  my  husband  again,  though  he  had 
been  expressly  told  not  to.  "  Shake  a  leg!  " 
said  he. 


53 


CHAPTER  V 

WE  had  not  come  well-equipped  with  in- 
troductions. My  mother-in-law  and  Frances 
did  their  praiseworthy  best ;  the  country  was 
ransacked  in  every  corner  for  these  facilities, 
and  one  or  two  letters  of  research  went  to 
Brighton  and  to  Bath — I  remember  Frances 
quoting  "  I  shot  an  arrow  into  the  air,"  as 
she  posted  them — but  the  results  all  seemed 
to  require  us  to  go  to  Florida,  or  to  Texas,  or 
to  the  Pacific  Coast.  We  brought  them  along, 
of  course — they  were  better  than  nothing  in 
case  we  should  have  time  to  visit  these  points ; 
but  I  was  not  in  the  least  keen  on  them,  they 
were  all  to  people  whose  people  were  in  Eng- 
land, and  you  do  not  go  abroad  to  meet  your 
fellow-countrymen,  at  least  in  this  direction. 
Kaye  had  one  or  two  letters  from  solicitors 
in  the  City  to  gentlemen  connected  with  the 
company,  but  these  we  naturally  expected  to 
be  of  no  use  beyond  identifying  him  as  mam- 
ma's representative.  He  posted  one  of  them 
the  moment  we  arrived,  with  his  card,  and  a 
civil  note  asking  whether  any  change  had 
54 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

been  made  in  the  date  of  the  meeting,  but  as 
I  couldn  't  go  to  the  meeting  it  was  a  matter  of 
rather  languid  interest  to  me.  I  had  un- 
packed our  introductions  proper  the  next 
morning  after  breakfast,  and  was  trying  to 
calculate  with  a  map  how  far  we  should  have 
to  travel  to  meet  the  Hon.  Jermyns  St.  Jer- 
myn,  who  lived  in  a  place  called  Aitchison, 
and  we  were  to  find  out  for  ourselves  what 
state  it  was  in,  which  I  had  done  as  easily  as 
possible  with  the  map.  Kaye  had  gone  out  to 
look  for  a  newspaper  stand,  and  buy  a  Stand- 
ard for  himself  and  a  Morning  Post  for  me 
— one  may  go  a  long  way  from  home,  but  one 
likes  to  keep  in  touch ;  we  always  did  in  Paris. 
I  was  debating  between  the  disadvantage  of 
closing  the  window  or  having  the  cable-car 
come  in  with  the  fresh  air,  when  a  squeak 
came  from  the  squeaking-tube  in  the  wall. 
Kaye  had  explained  this  to  me,  as  well  as  the 
fire-escape  and  the  arrangement  for  letting 
them  know  in  the  office  that  you  wanted  a 
bath,  or  a  cab,  or  a  cigar,  and  by  putting  my 
ear  to  it  I  heard, '  *  You  're  wanted  at  the  tele- 
phone." I  had  presence  of  mind.  I  said  at 
once  into  the  wall,  "  Where  is  the  tele- 
phone ?  ' '  and  got  the  reply,  * '  First  floor,  off 
the  cloak  room. ' '  I  was  a  good  deal  flurried, 
but  I  collected  myself  enough  to  ask,  "  Who 
55 


Those  Delightful   Americans 

wants  ine?  "  To  this  there  was  no  answer; 
someone  else,  I  suppose,  was  using  the 
squeaker. 

Of  course  I  knew  about  the  telephone ;  we 
live  in  the  country,  but  we  are  not  so  behind 
the  times  as  all  that.  In  fact,  I  had  seen  one 
in  the  bank  at  Cobbhampton.  So  far  as  that 
goes,  we  have  had  a  cinematograph  down 
from  London  for  the  children's  school  treat, 
a  much  more  recent  invention.  But  I  had 
never  had  anything  to  do  with  them,  and — it 
sounds  incredibly  foolish — I  imagined,  on  my 
way  downstairs,  that  whoever  wanted  me 
would  be  waiting  at  the  telephone.  It  was 
exciting,  but  I  was  not  alarmed — I  only  hoped 
it  would  be  an  American. 

The  bell-boy,  whose  acquaintance  I  had  al- 
ready made,  was  sitting  on  a  chair  beside  the 
instrument,  and  there  was  no  one  else. 

"  Where  is  he?  "  I  asked.  "  The  person 
who  wished  me  to  come  to  the  telephone  !  ' ' 

"  Number  5,673.  Connection's  off  now. 
Can't  hold  the  line  more'n  a  minute.  Want 
I  sh'd  ring  'em  up  for  you?  " 

I  understood  at  once.  "  Oh,"  I  said, 
"  wait  a  minute.  Who  is  it!  " 

"  Number  5,673." 

"  Then  you  don't  know  who  it  is?  " 

"  Course  I  don't.    But  I  kin  ast." 
56 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

I  considered  for  a  moment.  "  Yes,"  I 
said,  ' '  you  had  better  ask,  please.  Say  that 
Mrs.  Kemball  would  be  glad  to  be  informed  as 
to  who  wishes  to  communicate  with  her. ' ' 

The  boy  rang  the  bell,  put  the  tube  to  his 
ear,  and  presently  said,  "  Who  wants  to  get 
Mrs.  Kemball?  " 

I  hoped  he  had  not  been  heard,  it  sounded 
so  dreadful ;  but  apparently  he  had,  for  after 
listening  for  a  moment  he  turned  to  me. 
"  Gentleman  by  the  name  of  Adams,"  he 
said ;  * '  Amelia — no.  What  did  you  say  your 
first  name  was  ?  "  he  called  into  the  telephone. 
"  Repeat  front  name.  Oh,  yes — Cornelius. 
Cornelius  Adams,"  and  he  handed  me  the 
trumpet. 

"  Oh,"  I  said.  "  Go  on  talking  to  him, 
please.  I  don't  understand  this  invention. 
Tell  him  Mrs.  Kemball  is  here,  and  will  he 
very  kindly  give  you  any  message." 

' '  Ah,  there !  ' '  said  the  boy  into  the  tele- 
phone. "  Are  you  on,  Mr.  Adams  1  Mrs. 
Kemball  is  here,  but  she  don't  understand  this 
invention,  an'  will  you  very  kindly  give  me 
any  message  1 "  I  think  the  boy  was  imitating 
me,  from  the  sound  of  his  voice.  He  listened 
again.  "  Right,"  he  said  presently,  "  goo'- 
bye."  "  All  right,  Central  " — he  seemed  to 
be  addressing  someone  else.  "  You're  very 
57 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

foolish  to-day,  ain't  you?  There,  take  it! 
Have  you  got  it?  Keep  it!  "  and  he  rang 
once  more,  quite  with  temper. 

' '  He  says  I  was  to  tell  you  he  'd  got  Mr. 
Kemball  's  letter  and  he  'd  be  over  after  lunch. 
An'  he  says  you'd  better  begin  to  pack  up 
right  away." 

I  could  not  help  looking  at  the  boy  with 
suspicion,  he  was  such  a  casual  boy,  without 
any  of  the  responsibility  of  his  buttons.  I 
had  no  way  of  knowing  that  he  had  not  made 
it  all  up.  Mr.  Adams,  I  remembered,  was  one 
of  the  people  Kaye  had  letters  to  from  the 
City.  I  could  understand  his  calling  and 
wishing  to  persuade  Kaye  to  go  back  to  Eng- 
land, but  a  peremptory  message  over  the 
telephone  to  that  effect  I  could  not  under- 
stand. I  was  sure  that  Kaye  would  not  pack 
up  right  away,  and  that  he  would  be  very 
angry. 

When  my  husband  came  in  he  was  very 
angry  already.  He  had  not  been  able  to  find 
a  copy  of  the  Standard  or  of  the  Morning 
Post,  or  even  of  the  Times. 

"  They  don't  seem  to  read  the  newspapers 
in  this  part  of  the  world,"  he  said. 

"  I  suppose  they  have  their  own,"  I  sug- 
gested, and  Kaye  replied,  "  Oh,  yes,  they 
have, ' '  and  put  one  down  on  the  table.  There 
58 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

is  no  use  in  reporting  what  else  he  said;  he 
has  the  most  violent  prejudices  against  all 
newspapers  other  than  the  Times,  the  Stand- 
ard, and  the  Morning  Post,  even  English  ones. 
As  to  anything  coloured  pink !  I  notice,  too, 
that  everybody  abuses  American  newspa- 
pers; it  makes  one  feel  quite  sorry  for  the 
people  connected  with  them.  I  certainly  can- 
not abuse  them — not  that  I  would  have  any 
wish  to  do  so,  because  I  do  not  remember  ever 
looking  at  one ;  with  mails  twice  a  week  from 
England  one  wasn't  obliged  to.  Kaye  was 
particularly  annoyed  because  he  could  find 
nothing  about  affairs  in  England  except  the 
news  that  an  American  perambulator  had 
been  ordered  for  little  Prince  Edward's 
younger  brother,  and  something  that  wasn't 
true  about  the  Dowager  Empress  of  China; 
and  he  kept  on  saying  things.  Presently, 
however,  I  got  a  word  in  edgewise  about  Mr. 
Adams,  and  then  he  was  more  vexed  than 
ever  that  I  should  have  received  at  the  tele- 
phone a  person  I  had  never  heard  of,  which 
shows  that  he  was  simply  very  cross;  for 
what  difference  could  it  possibly  make  with 
the  person  perhaps  a  mile  away,  talking 
through  a  wire,  to  say  nothing  of  the  boy? 
As  to  the  message,  he  said  it  was  extraordi- 
nary, of  course,  but  so  was  everything  else, 
59 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

and  I  think  he  was  rather  pleased  about  it 
than  otherwise.  It  showed,  he  said,  how  nec- 
essary it  was  to  come;  matters  probably  re- 
quired a  great  deal  of  looking  into  if  they — 
Mr.  Adams  and  the  others — took  such  a  tone 
as  that. 

The  irritation  my  husband  felt  was  quite 
a  usual  and  natural  thing,  though  I  thought  it 
unreasonable  at  the  time,  and  very  probably 
said  so.  I  have  noticed  since  that  it  is  the 
experience  of  every  Englishman  who  lands  in 
America,  no  matter  how  equable  he  is  at  home 
— and  in  six  counties  you  would  not  find  a 
more  even-tempered  person  than  Kaye — he 
is  inevitably  as  cross  as  two  sticks  about 
something  or  everything  in  the  customs  of  the 
United  States  at  first  sight.  He  is  exactly 
like  his  own  silk  hat  brushed  the  wrong  way. 
It  is  different  with  women.  I  did  not  mind 
anything  myself ;  that  is  to  say,  really  mind. 
Perhaps  we  have  more  philosophy;  this  is 
likely,  I  think,  considering  how  much  we  have 
to  put  up  with  at  home  (now  that  I  have  seen 
what  a  republic  can  do  for  ladies  I  am  very 
much  impressed  with  this) ;  or  perhaps  we 
are  only  more  curious. 

We  had  another  little  dispute  when  Mr. 
Adams  arrived.  I  wanted  to  go  down  and 
Kaye  wouldn't  let  me,  although  two  cards 
60 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

had  been  sent  up,  plainly  showing  that  he  ex- 
pected to  see  me  too.  Kaye  said  not  on  any 
account,  that  we  hadn't  the  slightest  notion 
what  kind  of  interview  it  would  be,  and 
walked  up  and  down  with  an  air  of  being  pre- 
pared, if  it  were  necessary,  to  call  in  the  po- 
lice to  deal  with  Mr.  Adams.  So  I  gave  in  of 
course,  and  he  descended  alone,  leaving  me 
in  my  bedroom  with  the  steam  heating  pipes, 
which  did  not  entertain  me  as  much  as  they 
had  my  husband.  I  must  confess,  though, 
that  when  the  messenger  Kaye  sent  for  me  ten 
minutes  later  stepped  into  the  lift  he  met  me 
stepping  out.  It  was  my  anxiety,  but  I  need 
have  had  none;  the  most  delightful-looking 
person  got  up  with  Kaye,  when  I  went  in,  to 
be  introduced.  He  was  rather  short  and  rath- 
er stout,  and  very  pink — a  kind  of  infantile 
pink — not  in  the  least  ruddy.  His  aquiline 
nose  was  pink,  and  all  his  clean-shaven  face 
and  the  bald  spot  on  the  top  of  his  head.  He 
had  a  crisp,  pure  white  military  moustache, 
and  his  hair  was  white,  too,  but  there  was 
nothing  venerable  about  him ;  if  he  was  mid- 
dle-aged, that  is  as  much  as  can  be  said.  He 
smiled  with  great  cordiality,  and  I  noticed 
with  surprise  that  Kaye  was  smiling  with 
some  cordiality  also.  He  said  he  was  ex- 
tremely glad  to  see  me,  and  particularly  privi- 
5  61 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

leged,  or  something  like  that,  to  be  the  first 
to  welcome  us  to  New  York,  and  his  bow  ex- 
pressed this  as  well.  I  mean  it  was  a  bow  of 
enthusiasm,  of  sentiment  and  feeling,  as  far 
from  the  perfunctory  inclination  of  an  Eng- 
lishman as  from  the  elaborate  sophistry  of 
a  Frenchman.  I  liked  Mr.  Adams's  bow. 

"  But,  my  dear  madam,  we're  not  going 
to  allow  this  at  all."  Mr.  Adams  sat  down 
again  and  cocked  one  leg  over  the  other,  and 
I  never  saw  upon  man  so  well-fitting  a  boot 
as  the  one  poised  before  me.  "  I've  just  been 
telling  Mr.  Kemball  that  your  room  is  all 
ready  for  you  over  in  Madison  Avenue,  and 
I'm  under  orders  from  Mrs.  Adams  to  get 
you  there  before  dinner." 

"  Mr.  Adams  has  very  kindly  offered  to 
put  us  up,"  said  Kaye;  "  but  really " 

"  How  very  kind  indeed!  "  I  said.  I 
carefully  avoided  looking  at  Kaye,  for  I  in- 
stantly made  up  my  mind  that  I  wanted  above 
all  things  to  accept.  "  How  extremely 
kind !  "  I  couldn  't  very  well  go  on,  * '  We  will 
come  with  the  greatest  joy,"  because,  of 
course,  Kaye  had  to  be  consulted.  I  cast 
about  me  for  something  neutral.  '  *  Itis  rath- 
er noisy  here, ' '  was  all  I  could  think  of. 

"  There,"  said  Mr.  Adams,  "  that  settles 
it.  Mrs.  Kemball 's  nerves  are  being  de- 
62 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

stroyed.  Why  on  earth  you  selected  a  down- 
town hotel — .  You  must  pack,  you  must  pack, 
and  come  with  me." 

* '  My  wife  has  no  nerves, ' '  said  Kaye. 

"  Oh,  haven't  I?  "  I  cried. 

"  Certainly  you  have,  Mrs.  Kemball; 
every  lady  has.  Don't  you  stay  here  and  get 
them  shattered.  Come,  how  long  will  it  take 
you  both?  "  and  Mr.  Adams  looked  at  his 
watch. 

1  i  We  are  both  exceedingly  obliged  to  you, 
I  am  sure, ' '  said  my  husband,  and  I  knew  that 
he  was  looking  at  me  hard,  though  I  kept  my 
eyes  on  the  carpet;  "  but " 

"  But  nothing.  Think  of  Mrs.  Kemball 's 
nerves,  my  dear  fellow.  Madison  Avenue  is 
the  country  compared  to  this. ' ' 

"  I  love  the  country,"  I  said,  softly,  and 
here  I  met  Kaye 's  glance.  At  this  point,  after 
all  that  had  been  said,  it  was  perfectly  possi- 
ble to  smile  as  if  our  acceptance  was  to  be 
taken  for  granted. 

"  I  was  going  to  say,"  said  Kaye,  "  that 
my  visit  is  so  entirely  a  matter  of  business — 
we  shall  have  so  much  running  about  to  do — 
I  could  not  think  of  making  use  of  you  in  such 
a  way, ' '  but  I  could  see  that  I  had  smiled  at 
the  psychological  moment.  He  was  weaken- 
ing. 

63 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  Now  don't  talk  like  that— it  isn't  any 
manner  of  use. ' '  Mr.  Adams  shifted  one  grey 
leg,  and  cocked  the  other  one  over  it.  '  *  You 
can't  disappoint  Mrs.  Adams  like  that — a 
poor  innocent  lady  who  has  never  done  you 
any  harm,  and  who  is  dying  to  meet  Mrs. 
Kemball  here — to  say  nothing  of  Verona. ' ' 

' '  Do  tell  me  who  Verona  is, "  I  said.  Al- 
ready I  basked  in  the  social  temperature  that 
surrounded  Mr.  Adams.  It  was  certainly  a 
very  sudden  change.  A  quarter  of  an  hour 
before  Mr.  Adams  was  a  visiting  card,  and 
sat  in  the  hotel  drawing-room  in  the  remote 
and  icy  atmosphere  of  the  unknown.  Already 
it  was  warm  and  sunny  round  his  chair,  and 
he  talked  of  Verona. 

"  My  wife's  sister,"  he  said;  "  and  a  very 
important  member  of  the  family.  Oh,  you'll 
have  to  get  on  the  right  side  of  Verona ;  the 
rest  of  us  don't  matter." 

"  Kaye,"  I  said,  "  Mrs.  Adams  and 
Verona  are  dying  to  meet  me,  and  I  am  dy- 
ing to  meet  Mrs.  Adams  and  Verona. ' '  That 
was  all,  and  yet  my  husband  said  afterwards 
that  I  had  carried  the  position  by  assault.  It 
was  really  Mr.  Adams  who  carried  it.  In  a 
very  few  minutes  more  he  was  marshalling 
us  to  the  lift,  always  with  his  watch  in  his 
hand,  we  under  bond  to  be  packed  and  ready 
64 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

in  three-quarters  of  an  hour,  when  Mr.  Adams 
would  return  from  an  appointment  in  Sixth 
Avenue.  As  we  ascended  to  fulfil  this  con- 
tract, we  looked  at  each  other.  Kaye  pulled 
his  moustache  like  a  terrier  who  has  done 
something  naughty  that  he  knows  he  will  be 
applauded  for,  and  the  lift  was  full  of  our 
mutual  understanding  of  the  wildest  ad- 
venture. 

"  It's  the  realization  of  all  I  ever  heard," 
I  said  with  excitement.  '  *  Kaye,  we  're  on  the 
brink,  we're  on  the  brink."  Kaye  glanced, 
with  reproof,  at  the  boy,  but  in  my  delight  I 
did  not  care  a  brass  farthing. 

"  He  is  solicitor  to  the  company,"  my 
husband  said,  guardedly,  "  and,  of  course, 
he'll  be  able  to  post  me  any  amount — 

"  After  dinner,"  I  put  in,  "  while  I  am 
talking  to  Verona. ' ' 

Here  a  graceful  young  person  with  yellow 
hair  and  a  white  pique  frock,  with  a  blue 
sailor  tie,  got  in  at  the  second  floor,  and  we 
were  silent.  As  she  got  out  at  the  fourth 
Kaye  gave  a  final  twist  to  his  moustache.  ' '  I 
don't  see  why  you  should  be  the  only  one  to 
talk  to  Verona, ' '  he  said. 


65 


CHAPTER   VI 

"  GOOD-NIGHT,"  said  Mrs.  Adams,  "  and 
—oh,  Cornelius,  I  have  forgotten  them.  Will 
you  ring?  " 

Mr.  Adams  glanced  with  humour  at  his 
wife,  but  went,  saying  nothing,  and  touched 
a  button  in  the  wall.  While  I  lingered  over 
my  good-night  to  Verona  the  summons  was 
answered  by  a  maid  with  a  tray.  * '  Will  you 
take  your — your  candles,  or  shall  I  send  them 
up  I  "  asked  Mrs.  Adams. 

' '  I  may  state, ' '  said  her  husband,  in  the 
manner  of  one  who  would  no  longer  be  denied, 
"  that  the  house  is  lighted,  garret  to  cellar 
inclusive,  with  electricity,  but  my  wife  in- 
sisted, for  some  reason  best  known  to  herself, 
that  you  would  require  candles." 

"  Oh,  not  '  require,'  Cornelius;  I  never 
said  that.  But  I  know  the  English  have  the 
habit — I  thought  you  wouldn't  feel  comfort- 
able without  them,"  said  Mrs.  Adams  with 
the  sweetest  smile  of  deprecation.  "  I  said 
to  Cornelius,  '  I  want  above  all  things  they 
66 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

should  feel  at  home.  Candles  they  must 
have.'  I  do  hope  they  are  what  you've  been 
accustomed  to ;  I  had  to  trust  entirely  to  the 
grocer. ' ' 

I  looked  at  the  candles  and  then  at  Kaye. 
Kaye  looked  at  the  candles  and  then  at  me. 
They  were  quite  eighteen  inches  long  and 
thick  in  proportion,  the*  kind  used  on  altars, 
and  they  stood  magnificently  before  the 
maid. 

* '  They  are  the  finest  candles  I  ever  saw, ' ' 
said  my  husband,  after  an  instant's  pause, 
' l  but  I'm  very  sorry  you  troubled.  With  the 
el " 

' '  And  they  do  remind  us  of  home  awful- 
ly," I  broke  in;  "  don't  they,  Kaye?  "  We 
stood  in  a  semicircle  round  the  maid  and 
looked  at  them,  Kaye  pulling  his  moustache, 
Verona  with  her  elusive  smile.  It  seemed 
somehow  an  emergency  in  which  it  was  our 
duty  to  save  our  host  and  hostess. 

' '  It  is  a  charming  custom,  I  'm  sure, ' '  Mrs. 
Adams  said,  regarding  the  candles  critically 
with  her  head  a  little  on  one  side.  "  Deli- 
ciously  old  world. ' ' 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Adams,  "  I  hope  they 
will  make  you  very  happy. ' ' 

"  But  really — "  began  Kaye.     I  cut  him 
short  by  seizing  a  candlestick. 
67 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  But  really  it's  too  kind,"  I  finished  for 
him,  and  Mrs.  Adams  led  the  way  to  the  stair- 
case. 

* '  Oh, ' '  said  Kaye,  with  a  slight  inflection 
of  disappointment,  "  aren't  we  going  up  in 
the  lift?  " 

"  Do  you  think  you  could — with  can- 
dles !  ' '  exclaimed  Mrs.  Adams,  quite  shocked. 
What  did  she  mean? 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Adams,  "  they  ought  to 
go  up  the  ancient  oak  staircase,  and  at  the  top 
a  draught  from  the  blue  room  should  meet 
them  in  the  west  corridor  and  put  their  can- 
dles out.  But  the  elevator's  there  after  all, 
and  we  generally  keep  the  ancient  oak  stair- 
case for  coming  down.  Let  them  go  up  in  the 
elevator,  Louisa." 

"  Oh,  if  they  would  prefer  it,"  said  Mrs. 
Adams. 

I  didn't  know  what  to  say,  but  Kaye  de- 
clared at  once  that  he  would  prefer  it,  so  we 
exchanged  good-nights  at  once  at  the  door  of 
the  elevator.  They  must  all  have  wanted  to 
use  it,  but  I  suppose  politeness  made  them 
send  us  up  alone  first.  We  had  gone  about 
half-way  to  the  first  floor  when  an  urgent 
voice  from  below — it  was  Mrs.  Adams's — 
summoned  us  back,  and  the  boy  let  us  sink 
again. 

68 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"I'm  80  sorry,"  she  said;  "I'm  afraid 
you'll  think  us  very  thoughtless — we've  for- 
gotten to  light  them.  Cornelius — 

We  all  laughed,  including  Mrs.  Adams, 
who  seemed  quite  accustomed  to  taking  jokes 
gracefully  at  her  own  expense. 

11  Louisa,"  said  Mr.  Adams,  seriously, 
"  it  ought  to  be  done  with  a  spill.  Have  you 
provided  spills  ?  ' ' 

' '  But, ' '  put  in  my  practical  husband,  * '  as 
there  are  no  fires  you  would  be  obliged  to  use 
a  match  to  light  the  spill. ' ' 

"  Oh,  thank  you,  Mr.  Kemball;  I  should 
never  have  heard  the  last  of  that.  Cornelius, 
you  know  perfectly  well  you  have  plenty  of 
matches." 

"  It  ought  to  be  a  spill — it  ought  to  be  a 
spill  ' ' ;  but  our  host  produced  a  little  silver 
box  and  solemnly  lighted  up  for  us,  Verona 
looking  on  like  a  vestal  virgin,  with  her  hands 
behind  her.  So  at  last  we  rose  up  to  our  beds, 
our  prodigious  tapers  adding  to  the  blaze  of 
the  electric  light  a  familiar  scent  of  home,  and 
not  by  any  means  the  most  agreeable  one. 
Kaye  blew  his  out  promptly  when  we  got  to 
our  room,  and  I  would  have  liked  to,  but  it 
seemed  unkind  to  dear  Mrs.  Adams,  so  I  let 
it  stand  on  my  dressing-table  till  I  was  almost 
ready  for  bed.  The  last  thing  I  remember 
69 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

about  that  delightful  evening  was  an  admoni- 
tion from  Kaye. 

"  You  mustn't  write  home,"  said  he, 
' '  that  private  houses  in  America  are  provid- 
ed with  lifts.  It  isn't  at  all  common.  Adams 
told  me  he  had  this  put  in  on  account  of  his 
wife's  spraining  her  ankle  last  winter." 

"  Well,"  said  I,  "  there's  a  lesson  for 
Englishmen. ' ' 

''What!  And  it's  electric,  not  hy- 
draulic. ' ' 

"  Is  it?  "  said  I,  and  went  to  sleep. 

When  you  have  been  accustomed  all  your 
life  to  the  ordinary  white  counterpane,  with 
which  respectability  covers  its  beds  in  Great 
Britain,  it  is  a  distinct  sensation  to  unclose 
your  eyes  upon  a  pale  blue  satin  couverture 
exquisitely  embroidered  in  pink  wild  roses. 
Whenever  I  think  of  Mrs.  Adams's  house- 
keeping, which  is  often,  I  think  of  that  blue 
satin  quilt — it  was  a  kind  of  key  to  all  the 
rest.  I  lay  and  marvelled  in  the  morning  at 
the  lightness  and  delicacy  of  my  room ;  it  was 
an  apartment  Marie  Antoinette  might  have 
slept  in.  The  bed  was  panelled  in  porcelain, 
the  footboard  presented  a  group  of  maidens 
upon  a  rustic  bench  under  a  tree,  before  whom 
a  gallant  in  a  pink  coat  and  buckled  shoes  per- 
formed upon  the  guitar.  There  were  gilt 
TO 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

arabesques  upon  the  furniture,  and  the  silk 
curtains  were  in  an  old  French  design,  green 
stripes  and  pink  rose  wreaths.  Something 
like  it  one  sees  in  Liberty's  windows  at  home, 
but  never,  oh  never,  in  the  country.  The 
dressing-table — the  glass  was  upheld  by 
Dresden  cherubs — held  a  multitude  of  the 
most  clever  conveniences,  all  labelled  so  that 
one  knew.  One  of  them,  I  remember,  was 
a  beautifully  embroidered  pouch  marked 
"  Hair  combings  "  in  old  English  lettering, 
and  on  an  ormolu  table  near  the  bed  lay  the 
edition  dc  luxe  of  the  Confessions  of  St.  Au- 
gustine. In  Kaye's  dressing-room  we  found 
the  poems  of  William  Morris,  and,  hanging 
against  the  wall,  the  sweetest  illuminated  vel- 
lum book  cover,  containing  shaving-papers. 
It  had  on  it  a  quotation  from  Pope,  I  think, 
about  the  advantages  of  shaving.  I  never 
saw  so  much  forethought  and  taste  expended 
on  a  bedroom,  and  neither  did  Kaye,  though 
all  he  would  say  was  that  Adams  must  let  his 
wife  spend  a  lot  of  money  at  church  bazaars. 
Verona,  when  we  went  down,  was  putting 
the  finishing  touch  to  the  biggest  La  Frances 
I  had  ever  seen  upon  the  breakfast  table.  In 
the  morning  her  lips  seemed  more  composed 
than  ever,  her  oval  face  of  a  clearer  pallor, 
with  its  shadowy  eyes  and  dark  soft  frame  of 
71 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

hair.  She  had  no  colour  whatever,  had  Ve- 
rona, but  the  roses  gained  significance  from 
being  in  her  hands.  In  reply  to  our  enquiry 
for  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Adams,  she  said  they  were 
"  out  on  the  steps."  We  found  them  there — 
out  on  the  steps.  Mr.  Adams  sat  on  one  of 
the  steps  reading  the  paper,  Mrs.  Adams 
leaned  against  the  brown  stone  balustrade. 
The  front  door  was  open;  a  pleasant  fresh- 
ness came  in  from  Central  Park  across  the 
road.  Electric  trams  were  humming  past 
laden  with  people  who  did  not  look  at  all  sur- 
prised to  see  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Adams  sitting  on 
the  steps.  I  regret  to  say  that  my  husband 
did.  He  looked  amazed,  and  hung  back  in  the 
hall  as  if  to  give  his  host  and  hostess  an  op- 
portunity to  get  off  the  steps  before  he  said 
good-morning  to  them.  I  even  saw  the  shad- 
ow of  a  doubt  flicker  across  his  face  as  to 
whether  we  ought  to  have  come  to  the 
Adamses.  He  was  thinking,  no  doubt,  of  the 
spectacle  of  the  occupants  of  Queen's  Gate, 
W.,  reading  their  Morning  Posts  on  their 
steps.  But  we  were  four  thousand  miles 
from  Queen's  Gate,  and  I  went  out  joyously 
and  sat  down  upon  the  lowest  step  of  all, 
though  I  knew  perfectly  well  what  Kaye 
meant  when  he  asked  me  if  I  didn't  think  I 
would  take  cold.  It  gave  one  immensely  the 
T2 


Those   Delightful   Americans 

sensation  of  doing  as  one  liked,  but  I  believe 
there  are  people  in  the  world  who  prefer  not 
to  do  as  they  like.  The  reason  for  this  is  ob- 
scure, for  it  must  have  been  something  of  the 
kind  that  kept  Kaye  standing  just  inside  the 
door  like  a  footman,  while  the  rest  of  us  en- 
joyed the  brilliancy  and  early  morning  move- 
ment of  out  of  doors  in  Madison  Avenue,  sit- 
ting on  the  steps. 

Do  what  you  will  in  writing  a  narrative, 
you  come  back  to  the  things  you  eat  and 
drink.  I  would  much  rather  describe  Verona, 
but  I  cannot  quite  pass  over  the  cantelopes. 
We  began  breakfast  with  the  cantelopes  (a 
kind  of  melon) — they  were  there  before  us 
waiting  upon  our  plates ;  we  each  had  half  a 
one,  ready  sugared,  with  a  lump  of  ice  in  it, 
to  negotiate  in  advance  of  anything  else.  One 
saw  at  once  that  it  was  thoroughly  American, 
so  one  could  only  say  it  was  most  refreshing, 
inwardly  thinking  all  the  time,  "  This  is  the 
only  coldness  they  show  to  a  stranger." 
They  talk  about  our  "  jam  habit,"  and  make 
a  butt  of  us  on  the  subject  of  marmalade ;  but 
it  is  certainly  more  reasonable  to  finish  up 
with  a  spoonful  of  jam  than  to  precede  with 
an  iced  slab  of  raw  fruit — so  discouraging! 
However,  that  has  nothing  to  do  with  Verona, 
who  made  the  coffee.  She  made  it  in  a  re- 
T3 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

markable  invention,  and  it  had  a  delicious 
smell;  but  when  Mrs.  Adams  said,  "  The  tea 
is  coming  in  a  moment,  I  hope  you  '11  like  it — 
it  is  English  breakfast  tea, ' '  we  could  not  very 
well  trouble  Verona.  We  had  to  sit  in  silence 
through  the  making  of  the  tea,  and  it  was  an 
ordeal.  Mrs.  Adams  put  it  into  a  richly- 
chased  but  cold  teapot,  and  the  maid  brought 
the  boiling  water  in  a  silver  kettle  in  her 
hand  up  from  the  kitchen  and  poured  it  into 
the  teapot.  I  am  not  ungrateful  for  that  or 
any  other  breakfast  I  had  in  the  United 
States,  but  I  cannot  help  hoping  that  Mrs. 
Adams  was  mistaken  in  calling  her  decoction 
English  breakfast  tea.  If  she  was  not,  a  great 
deal  of  the  prejudice  against  us  over  there 
can  be  accounted  for.  We  talked  a  great  deal, 
all  but  Verona.  Verona,  when  one  glanced 
at  her,  was  nearly  always  looking  at  the  roses, 
but  in  the  intervals  I  was  aware  that  her  at- 
tention was  concentrated  partly  upon  Kaye, 
but  mostly  upon  me.  As  I  say,  I  never  once 
caught  her  at  it ;  her  contemplative  gaze  when 
one  sought  it  was  sure  to  be  fastened  upon  her 
beautiful  handiwork,  but  I  never  in  my  life 
had  felt  myself  under  anything  so  absorbent 
as  Verona's  eyes.  They  were  not  penetrat- 
ing. They  did  not  at  all  lay  bare  one's  real 
character,  but  they  were  wonderfully  "  draw- 
74 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

ing. ' '  Kaye  said  afterwards  he  was  not  in  the 
least  aware  of  it,  but  I  had  the  amusing  feel- 
ing that  half  of  me  was  crossing  the  table  to 
be  examined  by  Verona  from  a  closer  point 
of  view.  Not  that  one  minded,  but  it  inter- 
fered immensely  with  my  own  impression  of 
Miss  Daly.  I  soon  found  that  the  only  way 
I  could  get  one  was  by  waiting  until  she  was 
interested  in  somebody  else.  The  single  thing 
I  realized  about  her  then,  for  instance,  was 
that  she  had  simply  no  appetite.  She  seemed 
to  breakfast  chiefly  upon  the  roses,  and,  if  I 
may  say  so,  upon  me.  Mrs.  Adams's  atten- 
tion was  dispersed  over  a  thousand  things, 
but  she,  too,  seemed  quite  detached  from  the 
business  of  toast  and  bacon,  even  in  the  ethe- 
real form  in  which  they  were  set  before  us. 
Both  of  the  ladies  conveyed  food  to  their 
lips,  but  in  the  most  perfunctory  fashion ;  the 
reason  of  the  meal  seemed  to  be  much  more 
the  roses,  and  the  lovely  silver,  and  the  charm- 
ing suitability  of  Mrs.  Adams's  morning 
frock,  and  the  daintiness  of  the  way  every- 
thing was  done.  When  Kaye  was  helped  to 
broiled  mullet  for  the  second  time  Mrs. 
Adams  said  it  was  such  a  pleasure  to  see  peo- 
ple relish  their  food,  and  I  was  inclined  to 
exclaim,  ' '  Surely  it  is  not  one  that  occurs  so 
seldom !  ' '  but,  of  course,  I  refrained. 
75 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

Mrs.  Adams  was  charmingly  versatile. 
She  flew  like  a  bird  or  a  butterfly  from  topic  to 
topic,  poising  as  it  were  for  an  instant  among 
the  silver,  with  unexpected  flights  and  hover- 
ings  over  the  butter  dish,  the  crystal,  and  the 
porcelain,  always  within  the  radius  of  the 
tablecloth.  I  think  in  the  course  of  a  meal 
we  talk  more  about  one  thing  in  England,  or 
perhaps  two  things.  I  had  to  be  very  quick 
to  follow  her,  and  I  began  to  understand  what 
men  at  home  mean  when  they  say  that  Ameri- 
can women  keep  them  awake.  Mrs.  Adams 
seemed  to  have,  however,  one  central  idea 
from  which  she  branched  out  thus  variously. 
It  was  the  extraordinary  difference  we  should 
find  on  every  hand  in  America  from  our  own 
ways  and  customs  at  home.  Mrs.  Adams 
mentioned  a  great  many  English  ways  and 
customs — which  was  clever  of  her,  for  she  had 
never  been  in  England — more,  positively, 
than  I  thought  there  were.  She  explained 
very  carefully  the  corresponding  ways  and 
customs  over  there,  and  it  was  very  funny  the 
way  she  seemed  to  think  that,  because  the  peo- 
ple of  the  States  thought  a  thing  right  and 
proper,  it  was  right  and  proper — I  mean  just 
as  right  and  proper  as  any  opposite  habit  that 
might  prevail  in  England.  Mrs.  Adams 
seemed  to  wish  to  establish  this,  but  after 
76 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

doing  so  she  didn't  mind  admitting,  indeed 
she  insisted  that  we  should  be  most  uncom- 
fortable when  we  missed  the  railway  porters 
and  the  Spectator  and  the  Horse  Guards.  We 
declared  we  had  never  thought  of  them  since 
landing,  but  Mrs.  Adams,  as  her  husband  said, 
was  dreadfully  worried  about  it,  and  went  on 
hoping  that  we  would  find  something  not  al- 
together different  from  what  we  had  at  home, 
until  Kaye  had  to  remonstrate. 

"  I  assure  you,"  he  said,  "  this  egg  has 
precisely  the  flavour  of  an  English  egg,"  and 
Mrs.  Adams  said  she  was  so  glad,  and  Verona 
laughed.  After  that  I  always  thought  about 
the  things  that  made  Verona  laugh,  it  was  a 
charming  effect  for  anything  to  have.  But 
Mrs.  Adams  went  on  at  such  a  rate,  uphold- 
ing and  depreciating  and  explaining  America 
and  the  Americans,  that  I  hastened  to  protest. 
"  Stop!  stop!  "  I  begged,  "  or  we  shall  have 
nothing  to  find  out  for  ourselves."  Mrs.  Ad- 
ams told  us  so  much  that  I  only  found  out  one 
thing  for  myself,  which  was  also  in  connec- 
tion with  eggs.  I  noticed  that  the  whole  Ad- 
ams family  turned  theirs  inside  out  in  a  man- 
ner permitted  only  in  the  nurseries  of  Eng- 
land. Perhaps  I  wouldn't  have  noticed  that 
if  Mrs.  Adams  had  not  drawn  attention  to  our 
way  of  doing  it.  Mr.  Adams  said  it  was  odd 
6  77 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

that  they  had  not  domesticated  the  habit  with 
the  hen,  and  Mrs.  Adams  said  she  was  very 
glad  they  hadn't — if  we  didn't  mind  her  say- 
ing so,  she  thought  the  British  table  method 
of  dealing  with  an  egg  just  a  little  indelicate. 
I  wonder  if  it  is. 


78 


CHAPTER   VII 

MR.  ADAMS,  I  remember,  was  explaining 
to  Kaye  the  principle  of  the  lift  that  had  shot 
him  that  morning  so  amazingly  fast  to  the 
top  of  the  very  highest  sky-scraper  in  New 
York.  I  should  have  thought  any  of  them  suf- 
ficiently high,  but  Mr.  Adams  said  that  only 
the  best  was  good  enough  for  his  visitors,  and 
procured  by  telephone  the  pass  that  was  nec- 
essary, as  the  building  was  itself  still  mount- 
ing. I  remember  that  Kaye  tried  to  return 
to  the  discussion  after  Mr.  Val  Ingham  came 
in,  and  how  difficult  he  found  it.  It  was  one 
of  the  things  Mrs.  Adams  had  prepared  me 
for,  one  of  the  differences,  so  I  was  not  alto- 
gether surprised  to  see  a  young  man  come 
walking  into  the  drawing-room  between  eight 
and  nine  in  the  evening  to  make  a  call.  At 
least,  I  was ;  but  I  understood  it,  I  did  not  cry 
out,  as  Kaye  was  perpetually  charging  me 
with  doing  over  my  discoveries.  Mrs.  Adams 
and  I  were  talking  about  something,  some  oth- 
er difference,  no  doubt,  and  Verona  had  dis- 
appeared. The  maid  did  not  announce  him 
79 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

as  she  ushered  him  in  upon  us ;  the  thing  she 
said  to  Mrs.  Adams,  confidentially,  but  so  that 
we  all  heard,  was,  "I'll  tell  Miss  Daly, 
ma'am."  And  Mr.  Ingham  turned  a  winning 
smile  upon  her  and  said, '  *  Thanks,  Annie. ' ' 

We  discovered  at  once  that  his  winning 
smile  was  an  integral  part  of  Mr.  Ingham. 
He  did  not  keep  it  for  Annie  alone,  he  be- 
stowed it  abundantly.  Kaye  and  I  came  in 
for  our  share,  too.  He  did  not  eye  us,  or 
question  us ;  he  took  us  for  granted.  He  took 
everything  for  granted,  this  delightful  young 
man,  his  chair,  his  coffee,  all  the  immediate 
facts  of  Mrs.  Adams's  drawing-room.  One 
might  have  expected  him  in  the  presence  of 
two  perfect  strangers  and  the  expected  ad- 
vent of  a  young  lady  to  be  a  little  shy  and 
silent,  to  sit  holding  his  hat  and  stick  between 
his  knees,  and  look  a  good  deal  at  the  carpet 
and  pull  his  moustache.  Not  in  the  very  least. 
He  cocked  one  leg  over  the  other  at  the  angle 
of  least  embarrassment,  he  left  his  hat  and 
stick  in  the  hall,  he  exclaimed, ' '  I  knew  you  'd 
say  that !  "  with  a  joyous  laugh  to  some  reply 
of  Kaye's  that  he  could  have  had  no  special 
reason  to  anticipate.  Why,  I  thought,  should 
he  know  Kaye  would  say  that,  and  why  should 
he  announce  it  if  he  did?  My  husband  for  a 
time  said  nothing  more,  but  it  soon  appeared 
80 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

that  Mr.  Ingliam  might  anticipate  anything 
he  liked,  and  you  were  not  supposed  to  take 
offence.  He  anticipated  Miss  Daly;  he  said 
he  was  certain  she  would  keep  him  just  a 
quarter  of  an  hour  waiting;  she  always  did 
— it  was  one  of  the  few  things  he  had  against 
her.  He  described  himself  as  being  kept  wait- 
ing although  we  were  all  in  the  room — posi- 
tively we  might  have  been  so  many  chairs. 
Yet  he  gave  us  his  gay  attention  and  demand- 
ed ours.  As  I  said,  we  were  talking  about 
other  things  when  he  came  in,  but  our  topics 
instantly  melted  away,  we  ceded  them  to  him, 
as  it  were,  led  on  by  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Adams, 
who  made  the  sacrifice  enthusiastically.  He 
took  immediate  possession  of  us,  and  keyed 
us  up  differently,  apparently  to  pass  the  time 
until  Verona  should  come  in,  for  he  kept  a 
very  obvious  eye  upon  the  door.  In  my  ex- 
perience, young  men  dropping  into  the  tide 
of  conversation  were  either  absorbed  if  they 
were  clever  or  stranded  if  they  were  shy,  but 
this  one  absorbed  us,  all  four  of  us,  positively 
he  did.  The  only  person  he  did  not  absorb 
when  at  last  she  arrived  was  Verona.  I  was 
at  least  clever  enough  from  the  beginning  to 
see  that.  He  approached  and  shook  hands 
with  Verona  with  a  very  proper  deference, 
more  marked  than  anything  he  had  shown  to 
81 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

Mrs.  Adams  or  even,  ridiculous  as  it  may 
seem,  to  me.  I  watched  her,  Verona,  in  the 
play  of  a  new  relation ;  there  was  a  fascinat- 
ing difference.  I  don 't  mean  that  she  kindled 
at  the  advent  of  the  young  man  in  any  com- 
mon way — it  seems  absurd  even  to  write  this 
of  Verona — but  he  certainly  evoked  new 
lights  and  meanings  in  her  face.  For  him 
her  smile  was  active  and  her  words  were  free ; 
he  plainly  represented  a  familiar,  if  not  a 
favourite,  idea.  It  was  intelligible  enough. 
He  was  extremely  good  looking,  with  charm- 
ing manners,  and  had  quite  the  air  of  a  man 
of  the  world,  though  I  believe  he  had  never 
been  out  of  New  York,  except,  of  course,  to 
Boston  or  some  such  place.  One  couldn't 
help  being  interested  and  having  one 's  ideas, 
and  my  idea  was  that  they  were  on  terms, 
distinctly  on  terms.  Some  feminine  instinct, 
I  suppose,  made  me  ask  Mrs.  Adams  to  play, 
and  try  to  draw  the  rest  of  the  circle  round 
the  piano  and  give  them  a  chance,  but  I  need 
not  have  taken  the  trouble;  they  isolated 
themselves  in  the  midst  of  us  in  the  most  ef- 
fective and  remarkable  way.  They  did  not 
deign  to  avail  themselves  of  the  little  oppor- 
tunity; they  looked  towards  the  piano  and 
smiled  and  talked  about  Mrs.  Adams 's  touch, 
but  the  whole  time  one  could  see  that  they 


Those  Delightful   Americans 

were  quite  independent  and  superior;  who- 
ever one  of  them  addressed  it  was  really  to 
the  other  that  the  remark  was  made.  The 
occasion  existed  for  these  two;  they  were 
practically  alone  in  it,  and  Mrs.  Adams's 
playing  was  a  detached  and  unnecessary  fea- 
ture of  it,  to  which,  nevertheless,  they  were 
scrupulously  polite.  Mrs.  Adams  seemed 
aware  of  this;  she  went  on  nervously,  with 
pauses,  in  which  she  sought  her  husband's 
eye  with  what  seemed  to  be  interrogation. 
His  only  response  was  to  look  at  his  watch 
and  to  remember  an  appointment,  and  she 
followed  his  genial  retreat  with  something 
like  despair.  It  was  just  then,  I  remember, 
that  Mr.  Val  Ingham  made  his  announce- 
ment about  the  theatre.  "  After  all,"  he 
said,  "  I  could  only  get  two  seats  for  Mon- 
day night." 

Mrs.  Adams  looked  at  him  with  mock  se- 
verity. "  Then  Verona  can't  go,"  she  said. 

"  Can't  go  where!  "  my  husband  in- 
quired. 

"  To  see  Julia  Marlowe  with  Mr.  Ingham 
without  a  chaperon,"  Mrs.  Adams  replied, 
and  Mr.  Val  Ingham  said  regretfully,  "  Oh, 
certainly  not." 

Then  it  seemed  to  me  that  they  all  rather 
glanced  in  our  direction,  Kaye's  and  mine, 
83 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

as  much  as  to  say,  "  We  expect  you,  you 
know,  to  approve  of  this."  I  certainly  did 
approve  of  it,  but  one  had  to  stop  short  of 
saying,  "  How  very  proper  of  you!  "  Mrs. 
Adams,  arranging  her  music,  said  she  knew 
she  was  a  dreadful  tyrant. 

"  As  a  duenna,  Mrs.  Adams,"  said  Mr. 
Val  Ingham,  "  you  have  few  equals  and  no 
superiors  in  the  City  of  New  York." 

"  Do  you  really  bully  girls  any  more  over 
there  !  ' '  asked  Verona,  smiling.  Kaye,  whom 
she  addressed,  said,  "  Oh,  a  lot  " ;  but  I  could 
see  how  bewildered  he  was. 

"  I  presume,"  said  Mrs.  Adams — (I  was 
so  pleased  to  hear  her  say  "  I  presume  ") 
— "  you  hardly  expected  to  find  American 
girls " 

"  Chained  to  a  chaperon,"  Verona  fin- 
ished for  her. 

"  You  thought  they  could  do  anything," 
said  Mr.  Val  Ingham,  a  little  vaguely. 

"  Well,  since  you  ask  me — "  I  said,  pick- 
ing up  my  courage. 

"  We  do  ask  you,"  said  Verona. 

"  I  am  a  little  disappointed  to  find  chap- 
erons in  the  States." 

"  Oh,"  said  Mr.  Val  Ingham,  earnestly, 
"  we've  had  them  for  years." 

"  They  came  in,"  said  Verona,  with  se- 
84 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

riousness,   "  about  the   time  of  the  bishop 
sleeve. ' ' 

'  *  Oh,  long  before  that !  ' '  exclaimed  Mrs. 
Adams.  * '  Do  tell  us, ' '  she  went  on,  ' '  what 
you  really  thought  they  did — American  girls, 
I  mean.  I  shouldn't  be  surprised  if  you  were 
quite  mistaken,  but  I  should  love  to  hear. ' ' 

"  Do!  "  said  Verona. 

I  hesitated ;  one  felt  a  little  embarrassed 
with  the  young  man  in  the  room.  Verona 
divined  it.  "  Oh,  don't  mind  him!  "  she 
cried.  "  Besides,  it's  a  subject  he  takes  a 
deep  interest  in — don't  you,  Mr.  Ingham?  " 

"  The  deepest,"  announced  Mr.  Ingham. 
"  Please  don't  mind  me." 

"  I  did  think— I'd  always  been  told— 

"  That  they  went  to  theatres  and  balls 
alone  with  gentlemen  escorts?  "  cried  Mrs. 
Adams.  "  Not  in  society,  Mrs.  Kemball. 
There  are  so  many  types  of  Americans,  you 
know." 

"  I  know,"  I  said;  "  sixty  millions." 

"  It's  dreadful  we  should  all  be  thought 
to  behave  alike.  I'm  sure  I  don't  know  any- 
body  " 

"  Yes,  you  do,"  said  Verona,  "  the  Haff- 
ners.  Did  you  ever  know  the  Haffners  to 
bother  their  heads  about  chaperons  last 
winter1?  " 

85 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  Yes,  once,"  remarked  Mr.  Val  Ingham. 
*  *  Mrs.  Vassler  -did  dragon  for  them  at  one 
of  the  Assemblies.  They  sent  her  a  bouquet, 
and  got  her  six  partners  each,  and  the  swell- 
est  man  they  knew  to  take  her  in  to  supper, 
saw  her  into  her  carriage  about  one  o'clock, 
and  then  proceeded  to  enjoy  themselves. 
But  I  believe  they  said  they'd  never  under- 
take it  again." 

* '  I  should  like  to  meet  them, ' '  escaped  me, 
and  Verona  looked  at  me  in  a  friendly  way, 
but  Mrs.  Adams  said  she  knew  them  very 
slightly. 

"  You  see,"  Mr.  Ingham  explained  to  me, 
* '  so  far  as  New  York  is  concerned  the  Haff- 
ners  are  only  about  three  years  old." 

"  I  suppose  you  mean  they  may  learn," 
said  Verona.  "  Well,  I  hope  they  won't.  I 
don't  want  to  run  down  the  institutions  of 
your  country,  Mrs.  Kemball,  but  I  think  the 
chaperon  is  silly.  You  never  see  her  when 
you  want  her,  and  when  you  do  see  her  you 
don 't  want  her. ' ' 

"I'm  afraid  she  has  come  to  stay,"  ob- 
served Mr.  Ingham. 

"  I  should  think  so,  indeed,"  said  Mrs. 
Adams.  ' '  That 's  one  lovely  thing  about  you, 
Mr.  Ingham,  your  ideas  are  always  correct." 

"  You  can't  defend  the  chaperon,"  Ve- 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

rona  continued.  "  If  people  are  not  in  love 
there  is  certainly  no  need  of  her — 

* '  But  at  any  moment  they  might  be, ' '  re- 
marked my  husband,  and  then,  avoiding  Mr. 
Val  Ingham's  eye,  blushed  violently. 

"  And  if  they  are  in  love,"  Verona  went 
on  calmly,  '  *  why,  there  is  still  less. ' ' 

Young  Ingham  drew  his  feet  under  him 
in  a  nervous  manner,  and  cast  about  him,  I 
thought,  for  a  reply.  The  discussion  seemed 
to  lie  between  these  two.  I,  for  one,  could 
not  have  contributed  anything  if  my  life  de- 
pended on  it. 

"  I  think,"  he  observed,  "  there  is  gen- 
erally a  preliminary  stage." 

I  almost  gasped,  but  it  seemed  to  be  noth- 
ing unusual.  Verona  permitted  him  a  con- 
cessive smile,  and  enquired  where  the  Haff- 
ners  had  gone  this  summer,  anyway.  Mr. 
Ingham  said  to  Paul  Smith's,  and  we  asked 
what  Paul  Smith's  was,  and  were  told.  Then 
Mrs.  Adams  offered  to  show  us  the  billiard- 
room,  and  Kaye  went  with  her,  gladly.  Her 
invitation  included  us  both,  but,  of  course, 
after  what  had  passed,  I  could  see  that  she 
was  depending  on  me  to  stay  where  I  was. 

"  You  don't  play  billiards'?  "  remarked 
Mr.  Ingham.  I  said, '  *  Oh,  yes, ' '  and  Verona, 
for  some  reason,  looked  at  him  reprovingly. 
87 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  English  ladies  play  everything,"  she  said; 
1  i  cricket,  and  golf,  and  hockey.  Do  you  play 
hockey,  Mrs.  Kemball!  "  I  said  I  did. 

"  I  don't  think  hockey  is  as  good  a  game 
as  billiards,"  remarked  Mr.  Ingham  again; 
but  when  I  suggested  that  we  should  all  go 
and  play  he  protested  that  he  knew  nothing 
about  the  game. 

' '  Then  there 's  polo, ' '  he  went  on  vaguely. 
"  D'you  play  polo,  Mrs.  Kemball!  " 

"  Polo  is  a  man's  thing,"  cried  Verona, 
' '  and  very  dangerous.  How  could  Mrs.  Kem- 
ball  play  polo?  How  absent-minded  you 
are!  " 

"  I  really  believe  I  was,"  said  Mr.  Ing- 
ham.  "  I'll  have  to  get  you  to  pardon  me, 
Mrs.  Kemball.  That  charge  of  Miss  Daly's 
reminds  me  of  the  old  conundrum,  *  What  is 
better  than  presence  of  mind!  '  Do  you 
know  it!  " 

"It's  a  very  stupid  conundrum,"  said 
Verona,  "  and  not  worth  guessing,"  which 
was  a  little  severe,  I  thought,  upon  the  poor 
young  man's  little  attempt  to  be  amusing, 
but  he  did  not  seem  at  all  put  down.  "  Can't 
you  guess!  "  he  said. 

"Oh,  I  never  could,"  I  cried;  "  but  do 
tell  me,  and  I'll  put  it  down  in  my  book  of 
conundrums." 

88 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  Don't  tell  it,"  commanded  Verona. 
"  It's  simply — fatuous." 

"  But  Mrs.  Kemball  wishes  me  to  tell  it," 
replied  Mr.  Ingham. 

*  *  I  beg  you  will, ' '  I  said. 

"  Mrs.  Kemball  begs  I  will,"  said  he. 

"  Oh,  well,"  said  Verona,  "  but  remem- 
ber /  don't  think  so.  I  mean  it  isn't  my 
conundrum. ' ' 

"  That  which  is  better  than  presence  of 
mind,  Mrs.  Kemball,"  said  Mr.  Ingham,  "  is 
absence  of  body." 

It  was  really  a  very  good  conundrum, 
and  I  laughed  and  said  so.  "  But  why  does 
Miss  Daly  object  to  it?  "  I  asked. 

"I'm  sure  I  don't  know,"  Mr.  Ingham 
replied.  "  There's  nothing  personal  in  it." 

"  I  shall  send  you  home,"  cried  Verona. 

"  She  would  turn  me  out  of  doors,"  ex- 
claimed Mr.  Ingham,  "  and  all  for  a  little 
innocent  conundrum.  Now  is  that  the  way 
to  treat  a  nice  young  man,  Mrs.  Kemball  ?  " 

' l  But  you  must  remember, ' '  I  said,  * '  that 
some  people  hate  them  awfully.  I  had  an 
uncle " 

"  Carrie,"  said  Kaye,  appearing  in  the 
doorway,  "  Mrs.  Adams  wants  you  to  come 
down  and  show  her  that  spot  stroke  of 

yours " 

89 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  I  was  going  to  say,'*  I  went  on,  "  that 
my  uncle  would  absolutely  get  up  and  leave 
the  room  if  a  conundrum  were  mentioned. ' ' 

11  But  you  like  them,"  said  Mr.  Ingham. 
"  You  don't  resemble  your  uncle  ";  at  which 
Verona  turned  her  back  upon  him  with  posi- 
tive rudeness,  and  looked  at  a  picture. 

Downstairs  you  may  be  sure  I  attacked 
Mrs.  Adams. 

"  I  like  this,"  I  said,  as  I  took  up  a  cue, 
"  and  you  so  particular  about  Verona  being 
chaperoned!  " 

She  looked  at  me  in  astonishment. 
"  Oh,"  she  said,  "  of  course,  it's  only  impor- 
tant in  public.  In  private  who  is  there  to 
see?  " 


90 


CHAPTER   VIII 

VERONA  had  just  gone  out  of  the  room ;  it 
was  Mrs.  Adams 's  bedroom.  Verona  was  al- 
ways disappearing  and  reappearing,  gener- 
ally in  a  different  frock,  continually  making 
exits  and  entrances.  I  wouldn't  call  her  the- 
atrical for  the  world,  but  there  was  always 
an  effect  about  Verona;  without  apparently 
putting  it  there  she  knew  where  her  elbow 
was.  She  was  the  most  pictorial  human  be- 
ing I  ever  saw ;  however  she  sat  or  stood  one 
felt  like  running  for  a  frame  and  making  her 
permanent,  a  quite  impossible  ambition  in 
any  sense,  for  she  never  gave  one  absolutely 
the  same  impression  twice.  Her  comings 
and  goings  were  in  the  oddest  contrast  to 
those  of  the  girls  I  knew  at  home,  sturdy 
young  persons  who  walked  with  their  legs 
from  place  to  place ;  you  observed  at  once  the 
definite  objective  and  the  means.  Verona's 
movements  were  more  involved,  they  had  the 
suggestiveness  of  curves  and  the  mystery  of 
an  aim  remote ;  if  she  took  a  rose  from  a  bowl 
of  roses  one  was  never  quite  sure  whether 
91 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

she  wanted  the  rose  or  only  the  idyll  of  tak- 
ing it. 

Mrs.  Adams's  glance  went  after  Verona 
as  she  closed  the  door,  and  we  smiled  an  ad- 
miration at  each  other. 

"  Is  she  engaged  to  him?  "  I  ventured. 

Mrs.  Adams  blushed,  positively  she 
blushed.  I  felt  almost  as  if  she  blushed  for 
me.  I  really  seemed  as  if  I  had  hinted  at 
an  impropriety,  had  even  thrown  one  bare. 
Yet  it  is  surely  a  very  ordinary  thing,  an 
engagement.  Either  people  are  engaged  or 
they  are  not  engaged ;  it  is  very  simple.  But 
Mrs.  Adams  looked  at  me  as  if  I  had  rushed 
in  where  angels  fear  to  tread. 

"  I  don't  know,"  she  said. 

"  Oh,"  said  I,  "  I'm  so  sorry.  Perhaps 
I  shouldn't  have  asked." 

I  suppose  Mrs.  Adams  saw  from  my  man- 
ner that  I  thought  she  was  just  telling  a  silly 
little  fib,  for  she  leaned  over  and  touched  my 
knee  with  her  large  palm-leaf  fan.  These 
palm-leaf  fans  are  a  curious  feature  of  life 
in  the  States.  They  are  sold  in  the  streets 
of  New  York  at  twopence-halfpenny,  and  peo- 
ple carry  them  to  church. 

"  I  don't  know,  really,"  said  Mrs.  Adams. 
' '  I  would  tell  you  if  I  did,  you  are  so  sympa- 
thetic; but  I  don't." 

n 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

I  vented  my   amazement.     "  Your  own 
sister !  "  I  exclaimed,  * '  under  your  own  roof ! 
Could  she  be  without  your  knowing  it?  " 

"  Why,  yes,"  said  Mrs.  Adams.  "  Ve- 
rona hasn't  told  me,  and,  of  course,  I  can't 
ask  her. ' ' 

"  Why  not?  "  I  enquired. 

"  Oh,  it  might  spoil  everything,  and,  be- 
sides, I  wouldn't — for  worlds." 

"  Then  I  should  ask  him." 

II  Mr.  Val  Ingham?  " 

"  Why  not?  "  I  enquired  again. 

"  Why,  it  would  be  gliastly!  He's  such 
a  nice  fellow." 

' '  Then,  of  course,  he  would  understand, ' ' 
said  I. 

"  Oh,  no,  that's  just  what  he  wouldn't. 
He  would  think  I  didn't  trust  him.  He  would 
be  frightfully  insulted. ' ' 

"  Well,"  I  said,  "  you  can't  always  trust 
them." 

"  Oh,  in  this  country  you  can.  Towards 
women,  American  men — well,  they  really  and 
truly  are,  you  know;  why,  they  have  a  repu- 
tation for  it." 

I  raised  my  eyebrows  and  Mrs.  Adams 

nodded,  and  we  both  understood  that  towards 

women  American  men  really  and  truly  were 

everything  that  is  charming.    I  had  heard  it 

7  93 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

before;  it  must  be  acknowledged  that  they 
have  a  reputation  for  it. 

"  But  doesn't  it  put  other  men  off,"  I 
asked,  "  his  being  so  devoted?  " 

'  *  What  a  thing  to  consider  ?  I  don 't  want 
other  men  on — or  Val  Ingham  either,  unless 
he  decides  he  can't  live  without  her!  He's 
a  lovely  fellow,  and  I  don't  know  anybody 
I'd  rather  have  for  my  brother-in-law,  but 
it  must  come  of  itself." 

"  And  while  he  is  deciding?  " 

'  '  She  is  deciding,  too,  I  hope,  but  I  would 
be  the  very  last  to  suggest  it  to  her.  I  think 
they  are  both  drifting — unconsciously." 

1 '  My  goodness !  "  I  exclaimed. 

"  I  look  every  day  for  some  awakening 
in  her,  but,"  Mrs.  Adams  confessed,  "  I 
haven't  seen  it  yet." 

"  Meanwhile  he  comes " 

"  Most  evenings.  And  he  sends  her  per- 
fectly elegant  flowers,  and  such  chocolates. 
And  he  wouldn't  go  to  a  single  At  Home  all 
last  winter  if  he  found  out  she  wasn't  in- 
vited. They  certainly  enjoy  each  other — 
anybody  can  see  that." 

"  Has  she  many — I  mean  is  there  any- 
body else?  " 

"  Well,  no — at  least  I  don't  know  what 
she  might  have,  but  he  takes  up  all  her  time." 
94 


Those  Delightful   Americans 

'  *  I  see  he  does, ' '  I  said.  '  *  And  how  long 
is  it  supposed  to  go  on?  I  mean,  doesn't  so- 
ciety— mothers  and  fathers  and  people — fix 
any  limit?  Say,  six  months  or  a  year?  " 

Mrs.  Adams  burst  into  laughter.  No,  she 
didn't  burst,  it  is  too  vulgar  a  term,  but  she 
laughed.  "  How  perfectly  crazy!  "  she  ex- 
claimed. "  Poor  boys  and  girls!  I  think  I 
see  them  looking  at  each  other,  and  say- 
ing to  themselves:  '  The  time  is  about  up. 
Do  I  like  the  shape  of  her  nose?  '  or  *  Could 
I  stand  the  way  he  wears  his  hair?  '  And 
then  their  last  evening  together!  I  expect 
he  would  stay  till  midnight." 

"  What?  "  I  exclaimed. 

"  And  what  a  closing  of  the  door,"  Mrs. 
Adams  went  on,  with  a  dash  of  pensiveness, 
'  *  between  their  two  young  lives !  And  next 
day  back  into  the  convent,  I  suppose." 

"  I  should  think  so,  indeed,"  was  on  the 
tip  of  my  tongue,  but  I  checked  myself  in 
time.  When  astonishment  rose  in  me  it  was 
better,  I  found,  more  polite,  and  more  ex- 
pedient, not  to  let  it  explode.  When  it  did 
Mrs.  Adams  always  explained  more  and  told 
me  less,  and  I  did  not  care  half  so  much  about 
the  justifying  theory  as  about  the  delightful 
fact.  I  came  straight  back  to  this  one. 

"  You  say  Mr.  Ingham  takes  up  all  Ve- 
95 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

rona's  time.    But  a  girl  has  only  so  much 
time " 

Mrs.  Adams's  lips  moved,  and  I  fancied 
they  were  about  to  form  "  Not  in  this  coun- 
try." 

"  And  suppose  in  the  end  he  makes  up 
his  blessed  mind  that  he  does  not  want  her! 
She  will  have  lost  a  whole  season!  " 

"  You  talk  as  if  it  were  a  race.  Well,  it 
isn't — not  with  us.  Girls  aren't  trotted  out 
and " 

1 1  They  trot  out  themselves, ' '  I  said.  *  *  Of 
course,  if  it's  understood " 

"  Yes,  that  makes  all  the  difference, 
doesn't  it?  " 

"  If  it's  understood  it  may  not  damage  a 
girl's  chances." 

Mrs.  Adams  fell  upon  me  like  a  shower 
of  little  pebbles. 

"  Now  that,"  she  exclaimed — I  can't  tell 
you  how  she  emphasized  the  ' '  that ' ' — ' l  is  the 
very  most  British  thing  you  Ve  yet  said.  I  Ve 
been  waiting  for  it — I  Ve  seen  the  expression 
in  your  novels.  And  I  don't  know  how  you 
can!  If  you  imagine  Verona  would  lift  her 
little  finger  to  compete  with — with  Violet  Ham, 
for  instance " 

"Oh,  I  don't,"  I  cried.  "  Who  is  Violet 
Ham?  " 

96 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  Another  girl.  Verona  would  be  mad  if 
you  talked  to  her  about  her  chances." 

"  Oh,  one  doesn't!  "  I  hastened  to  pro- 
test. 

"  In  our  country  it  is  the  young  men  who 
have  them, ' '  concluded  Mrs.  Adams, ' '  so  far 
as  marriage  is  concerned.  And  I  could  men- 
tion several  whose  chances  are  very  poor  in- 
deed among  the  girls  of  New  York. ' ' 

I  could  not  help  exclaiming  "  How 
splendid!  "  Jlnd  I  asked  Mrs.  Adams  the 
reason  of  this  important  difference,  but  it 
was  one  of  the  few  things  she  could  not  ex- 
plain. She  seemed  content  to  rest  upon  the 
fact  and  wave  a  flag,  which,  of  course,  pne 
could  understand. 

"  Don't  you  imagine  the  main  thing,  al- 
most the  only  thing,  between  young  people 
is  psychological  attraction?  "  Mrs.  Adams 
asked. 

"  How  can  I  possibly  tell  in  this  wonder- 
ful country?  "  I  replied.  "  The  first  thing 
that  attracted  me  in  Kaye  was  his  bowling. 
He  took  three  wickets  for  eighteen  runs  in  a 
'Varsity  match.  I  suppose  nobody  over  here 
would  look  at  that." 

* '  They  might  look  at  it,  but  they  wouldn  't 
understand  it.  Baseball,  you  know,  is  our 
national  game.  I  don't  think  you  could  beat 
9T 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

us  at  baseball.    I  think  we  lead  the  world 

there.     But " 

Do  ladies  play  it!"  I  interrupted. 
Oh,  no,  not  ladies." 
You  haven't  any  county  teams!  " 
We  haven't  any  counties,"  Mrs.  Adams 
replied,  blankly ;  * '  except  for  voting,  and  all 
that." 

"  Haven't  you,  really?  I've  always  lived 
in  one.  I  should  miss  it  dreadfully.  But  you 
were  going  to  say " 

"  I  was  going  to  say  that  I've  heard  Mr. 
Val  Ingham  talk  as  if  he  thought  everything 
of  cricket  and  not  quite  so  much  of  baseball. 
I  sometimes  think,"  Mrs.  Adams  went  on, 
seriously,  "  that  Mr.  Ingham  isn't  at  heart 
a  very  good  American. ' ' 

11  But  I  thought  you  liked  him  so  much!  " 

"  Oh,  we  do — we  simply  love  him.  But 
I've  heard  him  wish  he  had  been  sent  to  Ox- 
ford instead  of  Yale." 

"  Oh,  well,"  I  said. 

"  If  he  had  said  Heidelberg  or  Gottingen 
it  wouldn't  have  seemed  so  bad,  but  Oxford!" 

11  I  know  some  people  who  always  get 
their  marmalade  from  Oxford,"  I  said. 
"  Why  not  Oxford?  " 

"  It  isn't  as  if  he  could  acquire  a  foreign 
language  there." 

98 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  I  didn't  say  so,  but  surely  he  could.  I 
remember  Frances  saying  she  had  met  the 
Oxford  Professor  of  Chinese  at  Carlsbad; 
and  what  about  Max  Muller  ?  ' ' 

' '  Of  course,  Mr.  Ingham  has  been  in  Eng- 
land," Mrs.  Adams  went  on,  "  but  that 
doesn't  excuse  everything." 

Mrs.  Adams  certainly  did  bewilder  one  at 
times. 

"  Why  should  it  excuse  anything?  "  I  ex- 
claimed, but  she  said,  "  Hush!  Here  comes 
Verona. ' ' 


99 


CHAPTER   IX 

I  NEVER  saw  Kaye  so  excited  as  he  was 
in  that  first  fortnight  in  New  York.  No  one 
else,  of  course,  noticed  it  as  I  did,  since  no 
one  else  knew  what  he  was  like  at  home.  In- 
deed, when  I  mentioned  it  to  Mr.  Adams  he 
seemed  to  think  I  was  joking.  "  Well,"  said 
Mr.  Adams, ' '  if  that 's  how  he  acts  under  ex- 
citement I  must  say  I  envy  him  his  self-con- 
trol. I  remember  now,  I  saw  him  run  to 
catch  a  car  yesterday.  It  struck  me  at  the 
time ;  I  guess  he  is  excited. ' '  I  could  believe 
that  or  anything  after  the  way  I  saw  my  hus- 
band day  after  day  come  up  to  our  room 
and  sit  down  for  the  mere  purpose  of  talking 
for  a  quarter  of  an  hour  at  a  time  about  what 
he  had  seen  and  what  he  thought  of  it.  It  was 
most  unusual,  I  could  not  get  a  word  in  at 
all,  I  who  generally  got  all  the  words  in.  I 
mean  that  my  husband  was  not  at  home  ex- 
actly a  person  who  talks  for  the  sake  of  talk- 
ing. Speech  with  him  was  a  convenience, 
like  a  spoon;  he  did  not  use  it  oftener  than 
was  necessary.  In  England  that  is  not  very 
100 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

often,  such  a  great  deal  is  taken  for  granted 
there :  it  is  a  kind  of  cult  to  know  how  much 
you  may  leave  unsaid.  You  inherit  accumu- 
lations of  silence,  and  Kaye  belongs  to  a  very 
old  family. 

It  was  a  revelation  to  me  to  see  him  so 
impressed  and  so  keen  on  telling  one ;  it  seems 
ridiculous,  but  his  vocabulary  was  a  surprise. 
When  he  came  back  from  the  gallery  of  the 
Stock  Exchange  and  related  how  the  Hams — 
they  are  brothers,  well-known  in  American 
finance — had  done  something  extraordinary 
in  corn  meal,  I  really  thought  he  had  a  de- 
gree or  two  of  fever,  but  it  was  only  the  spec- 
tacle working  in  him  of  one  of  the  Hams 
standing  on  his  top-hat  to  attract  the  neces- 
sary attention  to  do  the  thing,  whatever  it 
was. 

"  Adams  seemed  to  think  nothing  of  it," 
said  Kaye.  ' '  He  was  rather  quaint  about  it. 
He  said  hats  went  out  of  that  place  every 
day  that  would  never  smile  again.  Now  that 
was  quaint,  wasn't  it?  One  remembers  an 
expression  like  that. ' '  He  did  too,  and  used 
it  unfailingly  for  months  after  we  went  home 
if  anything  happened  to  a  hat  with  which  we 
were  acquainted,  of  course,  well  acquainted. 
' '  It  will  never  smile  again, "  Kaye  would  say, 
until  Leigh  Hopkins  took  it  up  and,  of  course, 
101 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

when  a  little  bounder  like  that  began  to  use 
the  phrase,  Kaye  dropped  it. 

It  was  usually  in  the  half -hour  before  din- 
ner that  we  had  our  little  talk,  and  it  was 
then  I  was  quite  sure  that  Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Adams  had  theirs.  Two  centres  of  interna- 
tional comment  we  were,  with  only  the  thick- 
ness of  a  wall  between,  for  I  began  to  think 
that  they  found  as  much  to  say  about  us  as 
we  did  about  them.  Not,  of  course,  that  there 
was  as  much ;  both  Kaye  and  I  are  very  ordi- 
nary people,  while  they  were  Americans,  but 
they  seemed  politely  to  examine  our  little 
ways  almost  as  much  as  we  did  theirs.  What 
they  thought  I  suppose  we  shall  never  know, 
but,  as  Mrs.  Adams  was  fond  of  saying  we 
might  all  teach  each  other  something,  one 
hopes  it  was  not  entirely  disapproving.  Mrs. 
Adams  struck  me  as  very  broad-minded.  She 
was  extremely  kind  and  pleasant  about  sev- 
eral of  our  institutions;  she  said  she  would 
give  anything  to  have  a  Westminster  Abbey 
in  New  York,  and  she  was  almost  the  only 
American  I  met  who  saw  what  Kaye  would 
call ' '  points  ' '  about  our  Royal  Family.  She 
went  so  far  about  the  Duchess  of  Cornwall 
that  I  almost  thought  she  would  give  some- 
thing to  have  a  Royal  Family  in  New  York 
too ;  but  that,  of  course,  was  only  my  idea.  I 
102 


Those  Delightful   Americans 

did  think  her  extraordinarily  foolish  about 
Verona  though,  and  I  was  glad  to  find  that 
Kaye,  on  the  whole,  agreed  with  me.  Being 
a  man  he  had  the  advantage  of  a  simpler  point 
of  view.  He  made  tremendous  qualifications, 
however,  in  favour  of  the  young  lady.  He 
said  it  was  not  in  the  least  her  fault,  but  the 
fault  of  the  social  system,  and  when  I  sug- 
gested my  suspicion  that  the  social  system 
was  made  by  the  young  ladies  of  the  United 
States  for  the  young  ladies  of  the  United 
States  he  enquired  then  who  allowed  them  to 
do  it.  This,  of  course,  was  unanswerable,  but 
I  could  not  help  demanding  whether,  in 
Kaye's  opinion,  Verona  was  a  person  one 
could  "  allow  "  to  do  this  or  that.  He  said 
he  didn't  see  in  the  least  why  not,  and  added 
he  wished  she  was  his  sister,  presumably  for 
purpose  of  experiment. 

11  It  isn't  as  if  one  were  sure  of  his  being 
in  love  with  her,"  I  said;  "  he  may  be  only 
amusing  himself." 

' '  Oh,  I  fancy  they  are  both  amusing  them- 
selves," said  Kaye,  "  very  well." 

"  In  the  meantime,"  said  I;  "  and  pres- 
ently they  may  stumble  on  the  discovery  that 
it  is  serious.  I  believe  that  is  what  is  ex- 
pected of  them." 

"  He's  a  queer  chap,  that  Ingham,"  Kaye 
103 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

remarked,  with  a  severe  frown;  "  he  asked 
me  last  night  whether  I  didn't  think  her  line 
of  chin  wholly  classic." 

"  I  don't  see  any  special  harm  in  that," 
I  replied  to  the  frown. 

"  When  we  were  engaged  I  didn't  go 
about  asking  the  chaps  if  you  hadn't  a  classic 
line  to  your  chin. ' ' 

"  You  couldn't!  Besides,  they're  not  en- 
gaged." 

"  As  good  as." 

"  Not  a  bit  of  it.  They're  only  looking  at 
each  other  with  a  possible  view  of  being." 

My  husband  guffawed — which  is  not  a 
thing  they  do  in  America.  ' '  Rot !  "  he  said. 
"  They're  keeping  it  dark." 

"  Kaye,"  I  said,  "  unless  you  wish  to  dis- 
credit the  English  people  altogether  you  will 
kindly  refrain  from  using  such  expressions  in 
this  country.  Americans  do  not  say  '  rot,' 
'  rotten,'  or  '  nasty.'  I  confess  I  say  '  nasty  ' 
myself,  pretty  often,  but  I  quite  see  that  it 
isn't  nice.  Last  night  at  billiards  you  first 
said  your  luck  was  '  rotten, '  and  then  you  got 
excited  and  declared  it  was  '•  putrid. '  Mrs. 
Adams  turned  quite  pale." 

"  What  is  a  fellow  to  say?  " 

"  If  you  must  express  that  idea  wouldn't 
'  decomposing  '  be  better?  " 
104 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  Takes  too  long.  I  say,  you  know,  for 
people  who  have  so  little  time,  they  do  use 
tliimderin '  long  words." 

"  Mrs.  Adams  does,  rather.  But  I  can 
generally  understand  her. ' ' 

11  Oh,  yes,  if  you  put  your  back  into  it, 
you  can,"  observed  my  husband,  thought- 
fully. "  But  look  at  the  difference  at  home. 
Take  one  of  the  mother's  tea-parties — about 
fifty  words  would  carry  you  through,  short 
ones  at  that.  Here  they  seem  to  get  the  whole 
range  of  the  dictionary.  Odd  thing  to  come 
to  the  States  to  get  practice  in  your  own  lan- 
guage." So  he  noticed  it  himself. 

We  were  dressing  to  dine  with  Mr.  Ing- 
ham  at  the  Waldorf  Astoria  Hotel.  He 
would  have  preferred,  he  said,  to  invite  us 
to  a  home,  but  his  father  and  mother  had 
gone  to  Alaska  leaving  too  small  an  estab- 
lishment to  minister  to  us ;  Mr.  Ingham  com- 
plained, indeed,  that  he  could  get  nothing  out 
of  the  cook  but  scrambled  eggs  and  huckle- 
berry pie,  because  she  herself  happened  to  be 
fond  of  those  dishes.  He  explained  that  he 
alone  in  221,  West  75th  Street  was  a  helpless 
victim,  that  when  his  mother  was  at  home 
the  cook  was  not  allowed  to  do  exactly  as  she 
liked  about  huckleberry  pie,  but  that  even 
then  they  had  to  have  it  pretty  often — about 
105 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

once  a  week,  as  long  as  the  "  berry  season  " 
lasted — or  Mabel  would  not  stay.  I  thought 
Frances  would  be  interested  in  that.  ' '  Send 
me  all  the  illustrations,"  she  said  when  we 
came  away ;  "all  the  illustrations  you  can  of 
the  practical  working  of  democratic  institu- 
tions." I  had  already  put  down  several. 

It  was  only  Verona,  Kaye,  and  I  who  were 
asked,  and  when  we  came  downstairs  Verona 
looked  at  me  and  said,  ' '  Oh,  we  ought  to  get 
a  carriage." 

"  Why,  yes,"  said  Mrs.  Adams,  "  I  can 
telephone  to  Flynn's,  and  it  will  be  here  in 
ten  minutes.  But  you'll  be  just  half-an-hour 
late  for  your  dinner  going  that  way." 

I  confess  I  had  counted  on  some  kind  of 
a  vehicle,  but  Kaye  said, ' '  Nonsense,  my  wife 
can  bundle  up. ' ' 

"  Oh  yes,"  I  said,  "  I  can  bundle  up." 

"  The  electric  car  will  take  you  right 
there,"  Mr.  Adams  said,  "  but  what's  wor- 
rying me  is,  will  Mrs.  Kemball  take  cold?  " 

' '  My  wife  never  takes  cold, ' '  said  Kaye. 

"  Anything  would  have  done,11  remarked 
Mrs.  Adams,  looking  at  my  shoulders. 
"  This  is  the  very  first  time  I've  been  sorry 
about  the  horses,"  she  said,  turning  to  her 
husband. 

"  We  put  down  the  horses,  as  you  say  in 
106 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

England,"  said  Mr.  Adarns.  "  Yes,  we  put 
down  Billy  and  Sam  because  the  cars  got 
there  ahead  of  them  every  time.  But  we'll 
put  them  up  again  if  you  have  any  reason 
to  suppose  it  would  make  you  happier, 
Louisa." 

"  Mercy,  no!  "  exclaimed  Mrs.  Adams. 
"  The  misery  I've  suffered  with  those  horses ! 
One  of  them  used  to  paw  every  time  we  kept 
him  waiting  five  minutes !  Paw  at  the  door 
and  shake  himself.  And  the  wickedness  of 
sending  for  cabs  when  you  knew  they  wanted 
exercise  themselves — I  mean  Billy  and  Sam. 
It  was  Billy  who  pawed,  but  Sam  would  get 
his  tail  over  the  reins,  and  then  you  never 
knew !  I  used  to  wish  we  could  send  the  empty 
carriage  to  funerals — you  do  that  in  England, 
don't  you?  I  would  have  sent  them  to  a  fu- 
neral every  day. ' ' 

"  We  have  reason  to  believe  they  did  at- 
tend a  wake  once,"  remarked  Mr.  Adams. 
"  Do  you  remember  the  afternoon  we  met 
them  flourishing  down  Broadway,  and  Mike 
on  the  box  with  crape  on  his  hat  and  the  car- 
riage full  of  Hooleys?  " 

"  And  we  were  on  the  Battery  car,  and 

you  laughed  so  hard  you  broke  the  strap  you 

were  holding  on  with.     But  Mike  had  no  right 

to  do  such  a  thing,"  Mrs.  Adams  responded, 

107 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

seriously.  We  were  all  standing  on  the  steps, 
waiting. 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Adams,  "  the  electric 
car  always  gets  enough  exercise,  and  doesn't 
have  to  be  ordered,  and  there's  no  bloated 
aristocrat  on  the  box  to  trample  on  the  rich 
man 's  rights  and  fill  it  with  Hooleys  instead, 
and  you  haven 't  got  to  be  bothered  owning  it 
in  any  shape  or  form — and  there  it  is,  so  if 
you  can't  be  lively,  Kemball,  be  as  lively  as 
you  can." 

Mr.  Ingham  had  invited  us  nominally  to 
give  us  a  dinner,  but  really  I  suspected  from 
the  way  he  stood  on  the  steps  to  show  us  the 
Waldorf  Astoria.  I  saw  a  similar  look  of 
gratified  proprietorship  on  the  faces  of  many 
of  the  several  hundred  gentlemen  who  seemed 
to  be  entertaining  friends  there ;  Kaye  noticed 
the  same  thing.  "  It  was  just,"  he  said  to 
me  afterwards  about  Val  Ingham,  "  as  if  he 
had  money  in  it."  But  neither  Mr.  Ingham 
nor  any  of  them  had  money  in  it  or  anything 
to  do  with  it,  nor  Verona  either;  yet  even 
Verona  had  the  air  of  accepting  our  appre- 
ciation as  a  personal  compliment.  It  was  as 
if  I  had  been  proud  of  Bailey's,  where  we  al- 
ways go  in  town.  It  is  convenient  and  clean 
at  Bailey's,  I  don't  mind  saying  that,  but  it 
isn't  like  one's  own  place,  and  one  doesn't 
108 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

care  a  brass  farthing  how  many  hundred  bed- 
rooms it  has,  except  that  if  it  ever  gets  too 
big  one  won't  go  there  again.  But  Bailey's 
certainly  isn't  a  patch  on  the  Waldorf  As- 
toria. I  can't  imagine  the  Waldorf  Astoria 
giving  you  breakfast,  plain,  with  jam  and  two 
eggs,  for  2s.  6d.  I  can't  imagine  getting 
breakfast  at  all  there ;  it  seems  too  ordinary 
a  meal;  though,  of  course,  it  is  done.  The 
occasion  of  the  moment  was  dinner,  but  peo- 
ple were  not  dining  solidly,  silently,  and  a 
little  suspiciously,  as  they  do  at  Bailey's. 
They  were  assisting  at  a  brilliant,  dainty 
spectacle,  grouped  about  scores  of  little  shin- 
ing tables,  each  little  table  conscious  of  its 
own  and  the  general  effect.  There  was  the 
liveliest  beat  of  talk  and  laughter,  a  flash  of 
observation  like  the  constant  ripple  on  a  run- 
ning stream;  the  enjoyment  in  the  air  was 
only  ostensibly  connected  with  knives  and 
forks,  more  ethereal  than  it  is  at  Bailey's. 
The  diners  were  all  putting,  in  the  American 
way,  an  emphasis  and  a  vitality  into  what 
they  had  to  say ;  this  I  discovered  as  soon  as 
we  found  our  little  table  and  were  unfolding 
our  napkins.  And  I  made  an  observation, 
which  might  as  well  go  in  here  as  anywhere, 
that  that  is  what  they  do,  the  Americans. 
They  take  such  an  interest  in  everything  they 
8  109 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

say  that  nothing  has  the  air  of  a  common- 
place, even  when  it  is  one ;  while  we,  upon  my 
word,  we  seem  to  think  it  bad  manners  to 
assume  that  anything  we  have  to  say  could 
be  interesting. 

"I'm  afraid,"  said  Mr.  Ingham,  as  I  re- 
moved my  cloak, 1 1  I  should  have  taken  a  pri- 
vate room,"  exactly  in  the  tone  in  which  Mrs. 
Adams  lamented  the  carriage.  Then  I  no- 
ticed that  I  was  the  only  woman  in  the  place 
in  evening  dress.  Crowds  of  the  smartest 
frocks,  such  as  one  sees  at  Nice  or  Homburg 
or  Cairo  in  the  height  of  the  season,  but  all 
toilettes  de  vlsite,  all  high  in  the  neck.  I  had 
on  the  same  dress  that  I  wore  the  evening 
before  I  sailed  (we  left  town  by  the  White 
Star  train  at  noon),  when  Kaye  took  me  to 
dine  at  the  Criterion,  to  be  quite  certain  of 
being  right,  so  I  was  not  discomposed. 

"  I'm  so  glad  you  didn't,"  I  said,  "  one 
gets  so  tired  of  that.  England  is  divided  into 
private  rooms."  (Kaye  afterwards  said  that 
was  beastly  clever  of  me,  but  not  in  the  hear- 
ing of  the  Adamses.) 

"  Couldn't  you  put  your  wrap  on?  "  sug- 
gested Verona. 

"  Thanks,  no,"  I  said,  "  I  don't  want  it 
in  the  least.  Kaye  is  quite  right,  I  never 
do  take  cold." 

110 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

Verona's  glance  met  that  of  Val  Ingham, 
and  they  both  looked  at  their  soup,  blushing 
deeply.  It  looked  extremely  silly,  but  I  was 
quite  pleased  to  have  had  that  effect  on  them. 
It  didn't  happen  so  often! 

11  In  the  season,"  said  young  Ingham, 
"  half  the  people  here  would  be  in  full 
dress.  But  now  everybody  is  out  of  town 
except  seven  or  nine  people,  of  whom  we  are 
four." 

"  But  surely  the  season  isn't  over  yet?  " 
remarked  Kaye.  "  This  is  only  the  middle 
of  June.  It  ought  to  be  at  its  height." 

"  In  London,"  replied  our  host  humor- 
ously; "  but  it  often  rains  in  London  when 
it's  quite  dry  here,  and  we  don't  sell  any 
more  patent  leather  shoes  in  this  city  when 
the  King  goes  to  Marlborough  House  than 
when  he  stays  with  his  family  in  the  coun- 
try. Our  season  takes  place  in  the  winter, 
sir,  and  in  the  summer  New  York  dies. ' ' 

The  gathering  about  us  seemed  very  far 
from  moribund,  and  my  husband  and  I  de- 
manded in  one  breath:  "  Then  who  are  all 
these  people  !  ' ' 

Mr.     Ingham     looked     comprehensively 

round.    "  I  don't  know  a  human  being  in  the 

room,"  he  said,   "  except  the  head-waiter, 

and  he's  a  Dago.    Yes,  I  do ;  there's  Edward 

111 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

P.  Bailey,  the  fellow  in  the  peacock-blue  neck- 
tie, just  back  of  those  two  Jewesses  in  pink 
crepe.  He  must  just  have  come  into  the  city. 
The  Eagle  had  it  he  was  at  Newport  yester- 
day. It  gave  a  list  of  his  partners  at  Prin- 
cess Yamani's  ball  last  Wednesday." 

"  Good  heavens!  "  ejaculated  Kaye. 

' '  Yes,  Mr.  Bailey  was  mad.  He  thought 
he  must  have  dropped  his  programme  at  the 
end  of  the  evening  and  some  reporter  got 
hold  of  it,  but  I  suspect  his  man  sold  it. 
That's  the  worst  of  a  valet;  he  is  just  as 
likely  as  not  squared  by  the  papers." 

"  Did  he  take. any  action?  "  asked  Kaye. 

"  Why,  no,  he  didn't  make  any  unpleas- 
antness. But  he  isn't  happy  in  his  mind,  be- 
cause the  name  of  one  young  lady  appears 
on  it  five  times,  and  it  isn't  the  one  it  ought 
to  be." 

"  He 's  engaged,  you  know,  to  Minnie  Ma- 
gruder,"  explained  Verona. 

"  And  it  wasn't  her  name!  "  exclaimed 
Kaye. 

"  Now  you've  got  it,"  replied  Mr.  Ing- 
ham.  "  Also,  she  has  five  millions  of  dol- 
lars to  play  with. ' ' 

"  And  the  Marquis  de  Vibois  simply  dy- 
ing to  marry  her,"  added  Verona,  "  accord- 
ing to  the  Morning. ' ' 

112 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  So  E.  P.  Bailey's  domestic  future  isn't 
as  rosy  as  it  was, ' '  Mr.  Ingham  continued. 

"  He  seems  very  young  to  be  so  much 
before  the  public,"  I  said.  "  He  might  be 
still  at  college  from  his  appearance." 

"  Oh,  Edward  left  school  a  very  long  time 
ago.  He's  been  a  leader  of  society  for  two 
years.  He's  a  well-known  clubman  and  he 
drives  the  fastest  trotters  in  New  York.  His 
father  was  Ephraim  Bailey,  who  founded  the 
Northern  Bell  Telegraph  system." — "  I've 
heard  of  his  father,"  Kaye  put  in. — "  And 
he  gets  up  a  hunt  every  year,  you  see,  at  his 
place  on  Long  Island,  and  he's  always  right 
in  it.  If  you  knew  our  New  York  papers 
you  could  find  his  name  blindfold  in  the 
Sunday  Supplements.  What  brings  a  man 
before  the  public  in  your  country?  " 

1 1  He  must  be  of  age,  anyhow, ' '  said  Kaye 
simply,  but  the  other  two  laughed  and  cried 
out  on  him. 

"  You  are  very  severe,  Mr.  Kemball," 
said  Verona.  I  noticed  that  very  often  in  the 
States  one  is  constantly  suspected  of  adverse 
criticism  when  one  may  be  thinking  of  some- 
thing else  altogether,  or  when  one's  mind, 
on  the  contrary,  may  be  full  of  admiration. 
This  encourages  the  habit,  and  by  the  time 
I  got  home  I  was  critical ;  I  had  quite  an  eye. 
113 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

My  mother-in-law's  astonishment  and  the 
way  I  was  snubbed  were  proofs  of  it. 

* '  Don't  you  really  know  any  more  of  these 
people!  "  I  asked,  hoping  to  hear  of  some- 
body else  as  interesting  as  Edward  P.  Bailey. 

"  I  do  not.  Most  of  them  look  as  if  they 
had  come  in  for  the  summer  sales." 

'  *  They  do  suggest  the  bargain-counters, ' ' 
said  Verona,  and  blew  her  nose  rather  con- 
temptuously with  a  Honiton  lace  pocket  hand- 
kerchief. I  have  one  very  much  like  it  which 
I  keep  in  lavender  and  carry  to  parties.  I 
expressed  no  amazement  that  the  frocks 
about  us  should  have  come  out  of  summer 
sales — one  dislikes  above  all  things  to  seem 
provincial — but  I  said  I  would  like  to  go  to 
some  of  them. 

"  Take  her  to  Wanamaker's,"  said  Mr. 
Ingham,  "on  a  mammoth  day  in  shirt- 
waists." 

'  *  Take  me, ' '  Kaye  suggested ;  "  I  should 
profit  more,  shouldn't  I,  by  shirt-waists?  I 
believe  they  do  you  very  well  over  here — 
some  dodge  of  measurement." 

Even  if  Kaye  had  been  pretending  to  mis- 
understand— which  he  wasn't — I  don't  see 
why  it  should  have  shocked  Verona.  A  shirt 
is  an  innocent  thing,  and,  if  well  laundried, 
a  smart  thing.  But  it  did — she  drew  herself 
114 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

up.  "  Mr.  Ingham  refers  to  a  ladies'  sale," 
she  said,  and  added,  with  a  little  haughty  nod 
towards  a  group  entering,  "  There  are  the 
Hams." 

And  I  thought  I  was  chaperoning  that 
party!  I  was  amused  at  the  way  Kaye  got 
out  of  it.  He  looked  at  young  Ingham  consid- 
eringly for  a  minute.  "  You  know  more 
about  millinery  than  any  chap  I  ever  met," 
he  said. 

"  Have  to  in  this  country,"  Mr.  Ingham 
returned,  in  an  abject  manner,  and  we  all 
laughed. 

"  Where  have  I  heard  of  the  Hams?  "  I 
demanded.  "  Oh,  I  know.  Which  is  Miss 
Violet  Ham?  " 

* '  The  young  lady  just  sitting  down, ' '  said 
Val  Ingham. 

"  With  the  lovely  colour,"  added  Ve- 
rona. 

"  They  come  in  often,  of  course,  with  their 
steam  yacht,"  Mr.  Ingham  informed  us. 
"  They're  only  about  an  hour  up  the  Hud- 
son, at  their  country  seat." 

"  How  quaint  to  go  to  the  country  at  this 
time  of  the  year,"  Kaye  remarked.  "  We 
couldn't  get  a  soul  now,  could  we,  Carrie?  " 

Val  Ingham  looked  as  if  he  could  have 
protested  in  high  comedy,  but  gravely  re- 
115 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

strained  it.  I  noticed  that  Kaye  often  pro- 
duced that  effect  upon  Americans. 

"  Violet  Ham  has  the  bluest  eyes  and  is 
the  best  dancer  in  the  city  of  New  York, ' '  re- 
marked Verona,  smiling  prettily  at  Val  Ing- 
ham.  That  was  another  thing  I  noticed — 
the  best  in  the  city  of  New  York  was  ultimate 
praise ;  no  one  could  say  more  than  that. 

Mr.  Ingham  looked  at  a  point  remote  from 
Miss  Ham,  and  made  no  response.  "  And 
she  makes  the  loveliest  angel  cake,"  Verona 
went  on.  "  You  really  eat  too  much  of  it  at 
their  '  at  homes.'  " 

1  *  I  should  like  to  see  you  eat  too  much  of 
anything,"  I  cried,  and  Kaye  said  what  he 
would  be  glad  to  know  was  how  in  the  world 
Mr.  Ingham  managed  to  be  giving  us  grouse 
in  June.  The  explanation,  whatever  it  was, 
added,  I  remember,  to  the  wonder,  and  did 
not  detract  from  the  flavour.  It  was  an  ex- 
cellent dinner;  it  remains  in  both  our  minds 
as  a  singularly  excellent  dinner — Kaye,  by 
the  way,  was  much  impressed  by  the  capacity 
of  the  young  men  of  New  York  to  do  that 
sort  of  thing  well — but  it  was  conspicuously 
a  dinner  that  one  would  expect  to  eat  at  other 
times  of  the  year,  a  dinner  at  war  with  itself 
and  with  the  almanac.  This  was  the  chic  and 
the  shock  and  the  surprise  of  it,  and  helped 
116 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

to  explain  not  only  the  deportment  of  the 
head  waiter,  but  the  unshuttered,  uncurtained 
plate-glass  windows  that  offered  us  up  to 
Thirty-fourth  Street  outside.  People  eating 
an  ordinary  dinner  cannot  be  much  of  a  pub- 
lic spectacle,  but  there  may  be  a  curiosity  to 
see  them  enjoying  grapes  in  June  and  fresh 
asparagus  in  December.  Anyway,  there  we 
were,  every  mouthful  exposed  in  the  highest 
light,  and  there  was  the  shifting,  staring  mul- 
titude outside  in  the  dark,  and  not  one  of  the 
500  diners  apparently  wished  to  have  it  oth- 
erwise. I  did  not  particularly  mind — it  was 
rather  like  dining  on  the  stage — but  I  was 
thankful  that  Kaye  had  his  back  turned  to 
the  windows. 


117 


CHAPTER   X 

THE  business  that  brought  my  husband 
across  the  Atlantic  was  one  of  the  matters 
that  kept  Mr.  Adams  in  New  York  so  long 
after  other  people  had  found  it  too  hot  to 
stay.  He  made  that  out  in  his  cordial  way 
to  be  a  claim  on  us ;  he  said  that  if  he  must 
broil  in  order  to  attend  to  our  affairs,  he 
might  as  well  broil  in  our  society.  It  was 
agreeable  to  acknowledge  such  claims,  and  I 
was  rather  sorry  that  things  were  settled  so 
soon.  There  seemed  to  me  to  be  no  difficulty. 
Kaye  said  to  me  that  the  advantage  of  amal- 
gamation to  the  original  shareholders  was  as 
plain  as  a  pikestaff  from  the  first,  and  if  he 
maintained  a  somewhat  reserved  and  caution- 
ary attitude  with  Mr.  Adams  for  a  week  or 
two,  I  think  it  was  chiefly  so  that  the  absurd- 
ity of  taking  an  ocean  voyage  to  protect  rights 
which  were  in  no  way  imperilled  might  not 
be  too  plain.  When  he  came  to  learn  that  the 
company  in  its  new  formation  was  to  include 
one  of  the  Hams,  his  satisfaction  was  even 
greater.  Mr.  Adams  shared  Kaye 's  admira- 
118 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

tion  for  the  gentleman's  astuteness.  "  Cer- 
tainly," said  he,  "  I  would  go  into  anything 
with  Ham,  provided  I  also  came  out  with 
him,"  and,  as  an  after-thought,  Kaye  ar- 
ranged with  Mr.  Adams  in  case  of  an  exit 
by  Mr.  Ham  to  use  the  same  door.  We  were 
delighted  on  general  as  well  as  on  personal 
grounds  that  we  had  found  nothing  in  the 
world  to  justify  us  for  having  come.  Per- 
haps I  have  already  shown  that  we  expected 
to  find  a  great  deal;  one  hears  such  tales  in 
England,  one  naturally  expects  in  Transat- 
lantic matters  to  be  done.  And  certainly  a 
widow  lady  of  some  opulence  living  in  a  re- 
mote English  county  would  be  exactly  the 
person  to  be  put  upon  if  the  wish  to  do  so 
existed.  Quite  apart  from  the  money  consid- 
eration, nothing  would  have  upset  us  so  much 
as  to  find  that  it  did  exist.  As  it  was,  our 
interest  in  that  extraordinary  country  and 
its  inhabitants  had  the  firmest  basis;  there 
was  nothing  to  qualify  any  charm  or  to  dash 
any  attraction. 

When  it  was  all  signed,  sealed,  and  deliv- 
ered, however,  there  was  no  further  reason 
to  keep  either  the  Adamses  or  ourselves  in 
New  York.  We  were  sitting  on  the  steps  on 
that  final  evening — after  the  first  week  Kaye 
frequented  the  steps  as  much  as  anybody — 
119 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

discussing  plans  with  the  Adamses,  when 
Verona  appeared  at  the  door  with  a  letter. 

"  Well,"  she  interrupted,  "  if  you  do  " 
— we  had  settled  on  a  fortnight  with  the 
Adamses  in  the  Adirondacks  and  home  by 
Niagara  and  Montreal — "  Violet  Ham  will 
be  the  most  disappointed  girl  in  the  State  of 
New  York." 

"  What  has  Miss  Ham  to  say  to  it!  " 
asked  Kaye,  and  we  all  looked  up. 

"  Everything,"  said  Verona,  reading  the 
letter,  from  which  descended  a  delicate  fra- 
grance; "  that  is,  she  would  like  to.  She 
wants  me  to  come  and  stay  with  them  at  Belle- 
vue,  and  bring  you  with  me." 

"  There  now,"  cried  Mrs.  Adams,  "  Mrs. 
Kemball  thinks  that  perfectly  crazy." 

"  No,  I  don't,"  I  responded  promptly,  "  I 
think  it  most  awfully  kind.  But  isn't  there 
a  Mrs.  Ham?  " 

"  Oh,  there  is,"  said  Mrs.  Adams,  "  but 
I  believe  she  isn't  over-strong." 

"  Don't  you  know  her!  "  I  exclaimed. 

"  Why,  no,  not  to  speak  to.  I  saw  her 
once  shopping  with  Violet." 

"  I     know     her,"     announced     Verona. 

"  Violet  has  to  do  just  as  she  says  in  some 

things.    Violet  wanted  the  carpet  taken  up 

for  her  dance  last  winter,  and  Mrs.  Ham 

120 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

wouldn't  let  it  be  done,  and  Violet  just  had 
to  give  in  and  have  linen  put  down." 

"  Then  they  are  your  friends  altogeth- 
er? "  I  said  to  Verona. 

"  Well,  I  know  Violet  too,"  Mrs.  Adams 
said. 

"  Considering  she  came  out  in  this  very 
house, ' '  put  in  Verona,  ' '  I  should  think  you 
did.  Don't  you  remember — the  afternoon  of 
the  blizzard?  " 

"  In  the  United  States,"  put  in  Mr.  Ad- 
ams, "  we  have  the  privilege,  if  we  like  to 
take  it,  of  being  acquainted  in  family  sections. 
Ma  may  be  an  ornament  to  society  while  pa 
stays  at  home  and  runs  the  lawn  mower.  Or 
ma  may  prefer  to  can  preserves  while  the 
young  people  dance  with  our  visitors  from 
the  Courts  of  Europe.  It's  peculiar  to  this 
country,"  said  Mr.  Adams,  knocking  the  ash 
of  his  cigar  upon  the  stone  balustrade  of  his 
residence. 

"  I  do  not  quite  understand, ' '  said  Kaye, 
who  was  also  smoking,  ' '  how  the  young  lady 
came  out  in  the  afternoon,  and  why  she  came 
out  in  a  blizzard." 

"  It  was  an  afternoon  tea,"  Verona  ex- 
plained, "  and  the  blizzard  came  without  be- 
ing invited." 

'  *  Now,  what  is  there  wonderful  in  that  f  '  ' 
121 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

Mrs.  Adams  demanded.    "  Don't  young  la- 
dies come  out  at  teas  in  your  country!  " 

"  Not  for  choice,  I  imagine,"  my  husband 
replied.  "  Pretty  average  slow,  isn't  it — 
one  man  to  fifteen  women?  " 

Mrs.  Adams  gave  a  little  shriek.  "  Not 
with  us!  "  she  cried.  "  In  New  York  the 
men  are  perfectly  sweet  and  lovely  about  af- 
ternoon '  At  Homes. '  They  are  charmed  to 
come.  They  flock." 

"  I  was  thinking  about  Miss  Ham's  in- 
vitation. I  really  wish  Mrs.  Ham  had  writ- 
ten," I  said  to  Verona. 

"  Oh,  she  leaves  all  that  to  Violet." 

"  Perhaps  she  sends  a  message1?  " 

"  No,  she  doesn't.  Violet  just  asks  you 
herself.  But  you  needn't  be  afraid — it's  all 
right. ' '  I  thought  Verona  somewhat  enjoyed 
my  perplexity. 

"  Suppose  she  doesn't  know  a  thing  about 
it1?  "  mused  my  husband.  "  One  would  feel 
jolly  awkward.  This  sort  of  thing:  *  Your 
daughter  asked  me  ' — eh?  "  Overcome  by 
the  idea,  Kaye  was  unable  to  continue. 

"  Then  my  daughter  shall  be  whipped," 
I  went  on  for  him ;  "  and  I  am  sorry  I  can't 
press  you  to  stay." 

They  all  laughed,  and  Verona  said,  "  Is 
that  what  would  happen  in  England?  " 
122 


Those  Delightful  Americans1 

But  Kaye  by  this  time  was  much  less  un- 
reasonable about  doing  this,  that,  and  the 
other  thing.  Perhaps  he  gradually  saw  that 
it  does  not  do  to  try  to  impose  one's  ideas 
upon  the  United  States;  at  any  rate,  he 
stopped,  to  my  great  comfort,  behaving  as  if 
he  had  any  responsibility  in  the  matter.  He 
as  good  as  said  on  one  occasion  that  English 
ways  were  best  suited  to  England,  and  when 
you  consider  how  many  people  want  to  in- 
sist on  them  all  over  the  globe,  this  was  go- 
ing pretty  far.  And  we  went  to  the  Hams. 
The  Adamses  went  to  the  Adirondacks  and 
we  went  to  the  Hams  with  Verona.  It  was 
practically  decided  before  we  left  the  steps 
that  evening.  To  our  great  relief  Mrs.  Ham 
said  she  was  real  glad  to  see  us.  It  was  Vio- 
let who  met  us  at  the  landing  and  drove  us 
to  the  house  and  showed  us  where  to  go  and 
what  to  do,  but  we  encountered  Mrs.  Ham 
later  in  the  hall  upstairs,  where  she  was 
stooping  over  the  edge  of  the  carpet.  She 
was  a  dried-up-looking  little  woman  with 
sharp  eyes  and  rather  compressed  lips  and 
very  white  hair,  which  she  wore  puffed  round 
her  forehead. 

"  Now  I  know,"  she  said  as  she  shook 
hands  with  us,  ' '  without  being  told,  that  you 
are  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Kemball,  of  Great  Britain. 
123 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

Violet's  been  expecting  you  all  afternoon. 
Well,  you've  caught  me  in  my  apron.  I  was 
just  looking  to  see  if  there  was  any  more  sign 
of  those  Buffalo  bugs — if  you  let  them  alone 
five  minutes  they  eat  you  out  of  house  and 
home.  I  Ve  tried  phenyle  and  I  Ve  tried  naph- 
thaline— dear  knows  what  I  haven 't  tried,  but 
I  never  believe  I  kill  a  Buffalo  bug  without 
I  do  it  with  the  sole  of  my  shoe." 

I  must  just  explain  that  the  expression  is 
not  offensive  in  the  United  States.  It  doesn  't 
necessarily  mean  anything  dreadful.  There 
are  many  kinds  of  them,  such  as  the  ' '  June  ' ' 
and  "  potato";  in  fact,  it  is  a  general  term 
applied  to  insects  over  there.  I  have  heard 
a  poor  innocent  earwig  called  one.  We  be- 
came quite  accustomed  to  the  sound  of  it  be- 
fore the  summer  was  over,  but  it  is  an  Ameri- 
canism I  don't  think  one  would  ever  acquire. 
Kaye  simply  pulled  his  moustache  and  stared, 
but  I  realized  at  once  that  it  must  be  some- 
thing quite  different. 

' '  Are  they  very  destructive  1  "  I  asked. 

"  Destructive's  no  name  for  them.  Any- 
thing that 's  cotton  or  wool !  And  eggs  by  the 
million !  They  're  new  to  us,  and  I  don 't  know 
whether  they've  crossed  the  Atlantic  yet,  but 
when  they  do  you'll  know  it!  Now,  I  hope," 
Mrs.  Ham  went  on  cordially,  "  you'll  make 
124 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

yourselves  just  as  much  at  home  as  they  do, 
that's  all.  Violet  hasn't  a  single  thing  to  do 
but  entertain  you.  You'll  have  to  excuse  me, 
I'm  on  my  way  down  to  my  kitchen.  We 
got  a  new  girl  in  yesterday,  and  what  she 
knows  about  a  gas  range  I  don't  think  it'll 
trouble  her  to  forget." 

Kaye  and  I  stepped  out  into  the  balcony 
at  the  end  of  the  hall.  It  was  garlanded  with 
flowers  and  creepers.  Wide  lawns  sloped 
away  from  the  house  on  every  side,  with  vivid 
parterres  of  geraniums.  Half  a  dozen  foun- 
tain sprinklers  played  on  them,  the  coils  of 
rubber  looked  like  so  many  boa-constrictors 
in  the  grass — beyond  all,  the  splendid  pano- 
rama of  the  Hudson. 

"  So  that's  Mrs.  Ham,"  said  I. 

"  Wife  of  Jacob  Ham,"  said  Kaye. 

"  And  mother  of  Violet,  and  mistress  of 
all  we  see,"  I  ejaculated. 

"  I  thought,"  said  Kaye,  guardedly, 
' '  that  when  it  got  to  this,  you  knew  they  al- 
ways went  to  Paris  and  lived  in  diplomatic 
circles,  and  had  Whistler  paint  them." 

"  Not  in  this  case,"  said  I. 

"  Oh,  no,  much  too  sensible,  I  should  say. 
But  she's  not  a  nobody  by  any  means." 

'  *  Who  gave  you  the  idea  that  she  was  f  ' ' 

"  Why,  Mrs.  Adams— didn't  she?  Said 
9  125 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

she  didn't  know  her.  Adams  knows  Ham 
too — that's  queer.  Ham  lunched  us  both  at 
the  Union  Club." 

"  Didn't  Mr.  Adams  give  some  kind  of 
explanation  of  that!  " 

*  *  I  remember  now,  he  did.  Said  you  could 
ask  a  man  to  dinner  without  his  wife  in  Amer- 
ica— something  like  that.  You  might  men- 
tion it  to  Frances;  she'll  be  interested.  By 
the  way,  what's  the  party?  Have  you 
heard?  " 

"  Only  ourselves  and  Verona  and  Mr. 
Ingham,  and  some  Englishman,  I  believe.  I 
didn't  hear  his  name." 

"  That  eternal  young  Ingham." 

"  Oh,  I  rather  like  him.  He's  been  con- 
fiding in  me  a  little  lately." 

* '  That 's  why  you  like  him, ' '  said  my  hus- 
band, acutely. 

"  Oh,  not  altogether.  He's  an  amiable 
boy,  and  very  adaptive.  If  you  knew — "  I 
smiled  broadly  at  the  recollection. 

"  Knew  what?  " 

' '  I  don 't  think  I  ought  to  tell  you.  Poor 
Mr.  Ingham,"  I  went  on,  still  smiling,  "  he 
is  so  very  earnest. ' ' 

"  Why  do  you  laugh  in  that  silly  way? 
Has  he  made  up  his  mind  that  it's  good 
enough?  "  Kaye  demanded. 
126 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  I  wish  Mrs.  Adams  could  hear  you!  I 
gather  he  is  making  it  up.  He  thinks  in 
the  end  she  will  be  quite  indispensable  to 
him." 

"  I'm  blowed,"  said  my  husband  with  the 
vulgarity  of  intimate  moments ;  "  I  'm  blowed 
if  I  understand  American  men!  " 

"  He  says  he's  seen  so  much  misery;  and 
so  has  everybody.  I  think  he's  quite  right 
to  take  his  time.  But  that  isn't  the  funny 
part  of  it,"  I  said,  again  giving  way  to 
mirth. 

"  There  won't  be  any  funny  part,"  Kaye 
returned,  with  annoyance,  "  if  she  refuses 
him,  and  I  jolly  well  hope  she  will.  You  say 
you  didn't  hear  who  the  other  chap  is — the 
chap  from  home?  " 

"  Heaven  only  knows,"  I  said.  I  can- 
not explain  it,  but  English  people  have  a  way 
of  assuming  that  Heaven  only  knows  their 
compatriots  in  foreign  lands. 

"  Some  first-class  bounder,  you  may  de- 
pend, ' '  said  Kaye.  ' '  Americans  do  get  hold 
of  the  most  extraordinary  people  from  our 
part  of  the  world.  They  seem  to  think  one 
'  Britisher  '  is  just  as  good  as  another." 

' '  That 's  exactly  what  they  say  about  us, ' ' 
I  exclaimed.  "  They  complain  that  we  can 
never  see  that  there  are  Americans  and  Amer- 
127 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

leans.  You  ought  to  hear  Mrs.  Adams.  And 
I  haven't  heard  the  expression  *  Britisher  ' 
since  I  landed ;  I  begin  to  think  we  invented 
it  ourselves. ' ' 

"  Maybe  so,  but  they're  taught  to  be  alike, 
and  we're  taught  to  be  different.  Hullo!  " 
exclaimed  Kaye,  in  a  tone  more  lively  than 
that  of  argument.  "  Who's  that?  Blest 
if  it  isn't  old  Bobs!  Old  Bobs,  of  all  peo- 
ple! " 

"  Is  it?  "  I  exclaimed,  leaning  over  the 
balcony  to  look.  "  Impossible!  So  it  is!  " 

Two  figures,  Miss  Violet  Ham's  and  an- 
other, were  slowly  progressing  in  deep  and 
animated  conversation  up  the  drive  towards 
the  house.  They  came  at  this  point  within 
the  radius  of  precise  observation,  and  Kaye 
was  quite  right,  it  was  his  cousin,  Lord  Robert 
Walden — Kaye's  mother  was  a  Walden — 
upon  whom  in  complete  amazement  we  looked 
down. 

"  I  understood,"  said  my  husband,  se- 
verely, "  that  he  let  the  place  this  year  in 
order  to  economize;  not  to  go  to  the  most 
expensive —  I  say !  I  suppose  he's  the  Eng- 
lishman! " 

"  I  suppose  he  is,"  I  responded,  as  we 
went  downstairs  to  find  out  the  whys  and  the 
wherefores.  ' '  Some  first-class  bounder,  you 
128 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

may  depend,"  I  couldn't  resist  adding; 
"  Americans  do  get  hold  of  such  extraordi- 
nary people." 

But  Kaye,  wrapped  in  speculation  as  to 
the  remarkable  coincidence,  did  not  retaliate. 


129 


CHAPTER   XI 

"  IT  was  my  little  surprise,"  explained 
Miss  Violet  Ham,  as  we  all  stood  together 
on  the  gravel  below.  '  *  I  knew  you  were  re- 
lated. Lord  Robert  told  me.  Lord  Robert 
has  more  relations — well,  I  don't  believe  he 
knows  half  of  them  to  speak  to. ' ' 

Bobs  was  every  bit  as  surprised  as  we 
were.  He  and  Kaye  were  quite  embarrassed 
with  their  astonishment.  They  could  do 
nothing  for  several  minutes  after  shaking 
hands  but  stand,  first  on  one  leg  and  then  on 
the  other,  and  ejaculate,  "  I  say,  old  chap!  " 
and  '  *  Upon  my  word,  old  man !  ' '  without  the 
slightest  attempt  to  get  at  the  root  of  the 
matter.  Miss  Ham  looked  on  with  delight. 

"Oh,"  she  cried,  "  I  hadn't  an  idea  it 
would  come  off  so  well!  It's  lovely — do  go 
on!  You'll  find  out  something  in  time.  It's 
like  John  Drew,"  she  went  on,  turning  to 
me.  "  You've  seen  John  Drew — he  stars 
with  Ada  Rehan.  And  that's  just  the  way 
he  does  English  parts.  Mr.  Kemball  has  ex- 
actly John  Drew's  figure — they  could  wear 
130 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

each  other's  clothes,  I  should  think,  without 
a  crease.  Well,  that's  a  compliment,  if  ever 
I  paid  one. ' ' 

"  I  don't  think  he  heard  you,"  I  said, 
reassuringly. 

"  Oh,  but  I  meant  him  to!  I  didn't  in- 
tend it  should  be  thrown  away !  ' '  responded 
Miss  Ham.  She  was  a  tall  and  vigorous 
young  person,  richly  coloured  and  curved, 
quite  different  from  Verona,  who  could  not 
lose  an  ounce  of  flesh  anywhere  without  miss- 
ing it.  She  had  soft,  dark  hair,  pushed  for- 
ward round  her  face  in  a  slight  exaggeration 
of  the  way  people  were  wearing  it,  and  splen- 
did blue  eyes  with  thick  lashes,  and  nearly 
always  a  laugh  in  them;  as  Kaye  said,  she 
looked  awfully  good-natured.  Her  dress 
dragged  in  most  exquisite  lines  on  the  ground 
behind  her ;  it  was  from  Paris,  and  had  more 
of  an  accent  than  any  English  girl  would  dare 
to  carry,  more  than  it  would  have  had  on  a 
French  person ;  the  American  young  lady  in 
it  simply  doubled  its  significance.  Miss  Ham 
was  large  and  abundant  every  way.  In  fig- 
ure she  reminded  me  of  a  friend  at  home,  but 
this  young  woman  was  alert  in  every  line; 
beside  her  Laura,  as  I  conjured  her  up,  stood 
equally  big,  but  placid  and  unreflective  and 
hard  to  move.  Like  Verona,  she,  Violet, 
131 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

made  pictures,  but  they  were  by  a  different 
artist,  a  bolder  and  more  sumptuous  brush. 

11  I  wrote  to  Verona,"  explained  Miss 
Ham,  "  over  a  week  ago  asking  her  to  come 
and  visit  here,  and  she  wrote  back  and  said 
you  were  there,  and  you  were  too  utterly 
fascinating — leave  you  she  couldn't  and 
wouldn't.  In  the  very  same  letter  she  men- 
tioned that  you  were  cousins  of  Lord  Rob- 
ert's. '  Goodness  me,'  I  said,  *  that  must  be 
my  Lord  Bobby  ' — he  belonged  to  the  Kitt- 
leys  at  Idlewyld  then;  but  that  doesn't  mat- 
ter. I  just  made  sure ;  I  said  to  him  one  day, 
'  Look  here,  if  it  isn't  a  personal  question, 
could  there  be  two  Lord  R.  Waldens  in  Great 
Britain?  '  and  he  said  no,  there  couldn't; 
just  as  I  thought.  So  then  I  got  up  my  little 
surprise  party.  I  wrote  to  Verona  you  sim- 
ply had  to  be  my  house-guests  for  July,  and 
if  she  didn't  bring  you  I  might  go  on  loving 
her,  but  it  wouldn  't  ever  be  the  same. ' '  Miss 
Ham  said  this  with  a  frank,  delightful  laugh. 
I  saw  at  once  by  the  way  she  diverted  Bobs' 
attention  that  he  was  quite  carried  away. 

"  If  you  think  you're  worth  a  threat  like 
that—"  he  turned  to  my  husband. 

"  I  wish  I  didn't  always  forget  to  put 
down  the  things  Lord  Bobs  says,"  declared 
Miss  Ham.  "  I  want  to  store  them  up  for 
132 


Those  Delightful   Americans 

consolation  in  my  old  age.  They  would  look 
lovely  in  a  thought-book,  too." 

I  don't  know  why  it  is  that  an  American 
young  lady  can  always  make  a  British  noble- 
man look  sheepish. 

"  Oh,  draw  it  mild,  Miss  Violet,"  said 
Bobs,  and  began  to  gnaw  one  corner  of  his 
yellow  silk  handkerchief.  He  always  carries 
a  yellow  silk  handkerchief,  and  he  always 
gnaws  it  under  embarrassment  or  emotion. 
A  man  in  that  position  doesn't  often  get  his 
little  habits  corrected  for  him,  as  of  course 
they  should  be.  People  hesitate. 

"  What  is  a  thought-book,  Miss  Ham?  " 
asked  Kaye. 

"  Oh,  it's  just  a  little  book — blank  book, 
note-book,  copy-book.  You  put  down  in  it 
any  bright  ideas  that  happen  to  come  your 
way,  but  of  course  they  ought  to  be  princi- 
pally your  own.  Like  Daudet's  Notes  sur 
la  Vie,  you  know." 

I  didn't  know.  It  was  a  book  at  the 
time  I  hadn't  seen,  but  I  was  none  the  less 
brought  up  short  by  Miss  Ham's  quoting  it. 
The  key  of  the  delicate  and  the  subtle  was 
precisely  the  one  she  didn't  obviously  strike, 
but  I  was  soon  to  learn  that  she  knew  all  the 
keys;  she  had  a  practised  hand  and  a  wide 
range.  She  could  talk  about  everything.  I 
133 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

never  thought  again  about  poor  dear  Laura, 
who  can  talk  about  nothing  in  particular,  nice 
as  she  is. 

The  picture  of  our  kinsman  standing  bit- 
ing his  silk  handkerchief  on  the  Hams '  gravel 
drive  beside  the  Hudson  continued  to  affect 
me — I  couldn't  at  all  get  over  it;  and  I  was 
glad  to  hear  presently  that  Miss  Ham  had 
met  him  at  the  American  ambassador's  in 
London,  where  she  had  the  honour  to  be  stay- 
ing. She  didn't  say  she  had  the  honour — it 
is  a  thing  that  Americans  never  seem  to  think 
they  receive  or  confer — but  I  say  it  for  her. 
So  very  much  better  than  at  Monte  Carlo  or 
on  board  ship,  where  Bobs  has  made  attract- 
ive friends  before  now  and  handed  them  on 
to  his  family.  In  this  case,  however,  the 
favour  was  entirely  on  the  other  side;  Bobs 
was  the  humble  recipient. 

"  When  he  said  he  was  coming  over,  I 
gave  him  an  introduction  to  the  Kittleys," 
Miss  Ham  went  on. 

"  Oh,  she's  been  awfully  good,"  mumbled 
Bobs. 

"  Not  to  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Ham?  "  asked 
Kaye. 

"  Bless  your  heart,  no !  What  would  poor 
pa  and  ma  have  done  with  a  perfectly  fresh, 
untutored  Englishman  and  me  away?  But  I 
134 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

knew  the  Kittleys  would  take  care  of  him 
and  show  him  as  much  as  was  good  for  him 
till  I  came  back;  and  now,"  she  went  on,  in 
mock  despair,  "  he  declares  he  is  going  to 
stay  all  summer!  " 

"  Your  people  will  have  a  tidy  job  to  get 
rid  of  me,"  Bobs  responded,  cheerfully. 
"  So  jolly  here — shouldn't  make  it  so  jolly." 

' '  You  must  all  stay  all  summer, ' '  declared 
Violet,  and  positively  the  idea  didn't  seem  at 
all  ridiculous;  there  was  no  obvious  reason 
why  we  shouldn't.  The  thing  that  struck  one 
most  at  a  glance  was  the  extraordinary  ab- 
sence of  any  impediment  to  doing  exactly  as 
one  liked.  The  wide  stretches  of  lawn  and 
river  expressed  it,  and  the  way  the  trees 
grew  and  the  flowers.  There  was  an  absence 
in  all  this  profusion  of  accustomed  restraints, 
one  felt  a  little  as  if  one  had  penetrated  to 
the  enchanted  castle  in  the  fairy  tale,  where 
the  banquet  is  spread  with  every  luxury,  and 
absolutely  nobody  to  interfere.  Presently  it 
appeared  that  there  was  somebody  to  inter- 
fere— just  a  little — in  the  person  of  a  man 
in  a  wide-brimmed  straw  hat  and  his  shirt- 
sleeves, who  crossed  the  lawn  at  an  angle  a 
few  yards  away  from  us,  and  addressed  a 
boy  further  off  manipulating  one  of  the  rub- 
ber hose.  "  Say,  Pete,"  he  shouted,  "  the 
135 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

old  man  kicks  about  somebody  drivin'  on  his 
grass.  He's  got  it  you  done  it,  and  he's  after 
you. ' ' 

"  Oh,  all  right!  "  the  boy  called  out,  in 
a  tone  half  resentful,  half  conciliatory,  and 
turned  his  hose  in  another  direction.  The 
man  took  no  notice  of  us,  did  not  even  touch 
his  hat,  but  somehow  he  did  interfere  with 
the  impression  I've  mentioned;  he  intro- 
duced a  note  of  dominance. 

' '  That 's  Jake, ' '  said  Violet.  * '  Might  say 
good  evening,  Jake;  guess  you're  getting 
proud."  Jake  acknowledged  the  pleasantry 
with  a  grin  and  went  his  way. 

1 '  The  head  gardener  ?  ' '  asked  Kaye. 

"  Head  everything.  Jake  just  about  runs 
this  place — laid  out  the  tennis  courts,  named 
it,  and  everything.  Pa  was  going  to  call  it 
River  Bluffs,  but  Jake  didn't  think  much  of 
that,  and  went  round  calling  it  Bellevue  till 
it  got  known  by  that  instead.  Jake's  a  good 
man.  You  tell  him  you  think  a  thing  might 
just  as  well  be  done,  and  it  is  done.  You 
don't  have  to  suggest  it  twice.  Jake  and  pa 
were  at  school  together." 

Kaye  simply  stared,  with  visions,  I  sup- 
pose, of  Rugby  and  Harrow — he  himself  is 
a  Harrovian.  Bobs  had  restored  his  hand- 
kerchief, and  was  drawing  patterns  in  the 
136 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

gravel  with  his  stick.  He  had  been  longer 
in  the  country. 

"  At  school  together!  "  ejaculated  my 
husband. 

"It  is  funny,  isn't  it?  Jake  looks  so 
much  younger.  That 's  the  result  of  a  country 
life.  Pa  went  into  a  store  in  New  York,  and 
Jake  stayed  in  Mount  Pleasant  and  made 
other  people's  cheese  for  them.  All  the 
same,  Jake  isn't  any  hayseed — he  knows  ex- 
actly where  he's  at.  And  he  hasn't  any  busi- 
ness to  call  pa  '  the  old  man,'  he's  only  two 
years  younger  himself." 

"  He  hasn't,  indeed,"  returned  my  hus- 
band, with  astonished  emphasis;  and  we 
turned  at  Violet's  "  Here  he  is ! "  to  meet  a 
narrow,  little,  grey-haired  man,  with  a  round 
straw  hat  and  a  blue  ribbon  on  it — coming 
back  from  the  city ! — a  lined  and  sallow  face 
of  great  alertness,  and  one  shoulder  rather 
higher  than  the  other,  walking  up  the  drive. 

I  was  the  only  one  to  be  introduced,  and 
I  hardly  needed  it;  Kaye  had  pointed  out 
Mr.  Jacob  Ham  so  often  in  the  illustrated 
weekly  papers.  He  spoke  to  me  very  pleas- 
antly and  kindly,  saying  that  he  hoped  Kaye 
and  I  felt  already  entirely  at  home — which 
we  did — but  there  certainly  was  in  his  man- 
ner that  touch  of  perfunctoriness  that  one 
137 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

notices  with  people  who  have  to  meet  and 
greet  a  great  many  strangers  in  the  course 
of  the  day.  At  home  one  sees  it  immensely 
in  London,  but  hardly  ever  in  the  country, 
naturally.  It  made  one  feel,  though  quite 
welcome,  a  little  incidental  and  unimportant. 

"  Have  you  seen  my  beans'?  "  he  asked, 
almost  at  once. 

"  Indeed,  they  haven't,"  cried  Violet. 
11  Do  you  think  I  would  be  mean  enough  to 
show  them  before  you  came  home,  you  dear, 
silly,  old  Johnny?  " 

"  Oh,  come  on  then,"  said  Mr.  Ham. 
"  My  beans  are  something  to  see." 

11  He's  got  twenty-five  varieties,"  said 
Violet.  "  But  don't  be  afraid,  they're  not  all 
ripe  at  once. ' ' 

Mr.  Ham  led  the  way  with  promptness, 
and  Kaye  and  I  followed,  while  Jake  in  the 
distance  gave  us  one  casual  glance,  appar- 
ently determined  that  we  might  go  if  we 
liked,  but  it  was  none  of  his  business,  and 
sat  down  on  the  lawn  roller  to  light  his  pipe. 
We  turned  foolishly  expectant  of  the  others, 
but  Miss  Violet  bade  us  go  on. 

"  Never  mind  us,"  she  said,  "  we've  seen 
the  beans." 

"  Yes,"  seconded  Lord  Bobs,  with  alac- 
rity, "  we've  seen  the  beans — rather!  " 


CHAPTER   XII 

WE  began  to  learn  next  morning  how 
entirely  we  were  to  look  to  Miss  Violet  for 
all  that  it  was  our  privilege  to  claim  from 
our  hostess.  The  form  of  our  invitation,  of 
course,  had  given  us  some  notion  of  that, 
but  nothing  at  all  adequate.  It  was  Violet 
who  rang  the  electric  bell  for  breakfast  when 
it  appeared,  and  Violet  who  explained  that 
it  wasn't  a  particle  of  use  waiting  for  Lord 
Bobs;  Violet  who  enquired  how  we  had 
passed  the  night,  and  whether  the  steamer 
'whistles  had  disturbed  us  in  the  early  morn- 
ing. Somewhat  later,  I  confess,  but  at  the 
first  opportunity,  I  asked  for  her  mother,  and 
was  told  that  we  need  never  expect  to  see 
her  at  the  morning  meal. 

"  Mrs.  Ham  breakfasts  in  her  room?  " 
asked  Kaye,  with  proper  solicitude. 

"I'm  just  as  glad  she  doesn't  hear  you," 

Violet  cried.     "  Do  you  take  one  lump  or 

two?    I  haven't  known  ma  have  breakfast  in 

bed  for  ten  years.     You  couldn't  make  her. 

139 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

She  gets  up  and  has  it  with  my  father  at 
seven!  " 

"  So  early?  "  I  exclaimed. 

"  Well,  that  only  just  gives  them  time  for 
a  look  at  the  beans  and  a  word  or  two  with 
Jake,  perhaps,  and  gets  pa  to  his  office  in 
the  city  by  nine." 

"  So  early,"  remarked  Kaye  in  turn,  and 
it  was  astonishing  enough  that  Mr.  Jacob 
Ham,  who  could  buy  any  day,  as  Kaye  said, 
a  small  principality  to  play  with  if  he  liked, 
should  go  to  his  desk  like  a  clerk. 

"  People  who  do  business  in  New  York 
City,"  said  Violet,  sententiously,  "  have  got 
to  get  a  hustle  on.  That 's  one  of  our  idioms ; 
it  means " 

"  I  know  what  it  means,"  said  Kaye, 
"  in  connection  with  electric  trams.  It  is  a 
graphic  expression.  But  I  should  think  at 
your  father's  time  of  life — 

1 '  He  'd  be  sitting  in  an  armchair,  nursing 
a  gouty  foot  and  making  things  pleasant  for 
his  family,"  responded  Violet,  gaily.  "  Im- 
agine pa.  That  isn't  the  American  style, 
Mr.  Kemball.  With  us  the  old  gentle- 
men drop  out  of  a  good  many  things — you 
couldn't  get  my  father  to  a  dinner-party 
with  ropes — but  they  never  drop  out  of  busi- 
ness." 

140 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  Then  Mrs.  Ham  is  already  up  and 
about,"  I  remarked.  "I'm  afraid  she  must 
think  us  shockingly  lazy." 

"  Don't  you  be  afraid — mother  isn't  like 
that,  not  a  bit.  She  wouldn't  mind  if  you 
didn't  get  up  till  twelve,  except  for  keeping 
the  work  back  in  the  kitchen.  She  says  she 
doesn't  know  what  people  come  to  the  coun- 
try for  unless  it's  to  eat  and  sleep.  But  she'd 
feel  wicked  herself  if  she  wasn't  up  by  about 
six  and  fussing  round  taking  things  out  of 
the  hands  of  the  help — I  mean  the  servants — 
and  doing  them  herself.  This  minute,  if 
we  tracked  her  down,  we  should  find  her 
stretching  curtains  in  the  billiard-room,  I 
imagine,  by  the  smell  of  cold  starch  round 
the  door  as  I  passed  it." 

' '  When  my  mother  was  younger, ' '  Violet 
went  on,  "  she  was  known  as  the  best  house- 
keeper in  Starrville,  where  she  lived.  She 
won't  consent  to  outgrow  her  reputation." 

We  talked  of  something  else.  Verona 
came  down,  and  soon  after  Mr.  Ingham,  who 
had  arrived  two  or  three  days  before;  but 
that  summing  up  remained  with  me.  It 
seemed  to  me  too  touching — the  wife  of  the 
great  Jacob  Ham.  I  made  plans  to  waylay 
Mrs.  Ham  about  the  house  and  persuade  her 
to  do  something  in  company  with  the  rest 
10  141 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

of  us  which  should  reflect  a  degree  of  the 
magnificence  of  her  position — go  out  in  the 
automobile  for  choice.  Meanwhile  it  was 
occupation  enough  to  observe  Violet  and 
Verona  Daly  in  their  charming  proximity. 
They  were  not,  I  think,  as  sentimental  as 
English  girl  friends  are  apt  to  be;  they  did 
not  kiss  each  other  good  morning,  and  no 
shy  allusive  glances  or  giggles  of  under- 
standing passed  between  them.  One  could 
not  imagine  them  making  tender  mutual  dis- 
coveries at  bedtime,  brushing  their  hair,  or 
exchanging  any  sort  of  vow.  The  basis  they 
went  upon  was  much  more  cavalier,  yet  signs 
of  affection  were  not  entirely  wanting,  as 
when  Violet  enquired,  "  Got  your  letters, 
honey?  "  and  Verona  replied,  "  Yes,  my 
chicken. ' '  Also,  there  was  a  tremendous  un- 
derstanding, but  it  was  a  different  thing, 
much  more  candid  in  one  way  and  much  more 
subtle  in  another,  consisting  partly  in  the 
frankest  appreciation  of  each  other 's  attract- 
ive points,  and  partly  in  the  deepest  recog- 
nition of  each  other's  power  and  privileges 
as  that  democratic  princess,  an  American 
girl.  I  could  imagine  that  between  them  the 
likeliest  token  of  esteem  would  be  a  photo- 
graph, very  artistic,  by  Sarony,  and  that 
they  would  exchange  these  with  a  high  no- 
142 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

tion  of  graceful  appropriateness   tempered 
by  a  keen  sense  of  acquisition. 

After  breakfast  the  two  young  ladies  dis- 
appeared. They  were  going,  they  said,  to 
the  kitchen,  where  Violet  proposed  to  make 
an  "  angel-cake."  That  struck  me  as  an- 
other odd  note  in  the  splendid  scale  of  the 
Hams ;  surely,  I  thought,  a  daughter  of  Jacob 
Ham  might  get  her  angel-cakes  from  the  pas- 
try-cook. But  I  observed  presently  that  it 
was  taken  seriously.  Mr.  Ingham,  who  care- 
fully attended  them  to  the  vanishing  point, 
with  the  air  of  being  absolutely  at  their  dis- 
position so  long  as  they  could  possibly  re- 
quire him,  came  after  they  had  gone,  to  be- 
stow himself  upon  me  in  one  corner  of  the 
wide  verandah.  It  was  a  perfectly  gorgeous 
verandah,  with  creepers  climbing  over  it,  and 
striped  awnings,  and  pretty,  light,  luxuri- 
ous easy  chairs  and  Oriental  rugs — I  must 
say  the  Americans  do  know  how  to  make 
themselves  comfortable  out  of  doors.  That, 
of  course,  is  because  they  have  an  out  of 
doors  which  they  can  to  some  extent  rely 
upon;  but  I  have  never  since  been  able  to 
enjoy  myself  in  an  English  garden-chair. 
However,  Mr.  Ingham  came  and  sat  down 
beside  me.  "  Miss  Ham,"  he  remarked, 
''makes  delicious  angel-cake;  the  best,  I 
143 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

should  say,  in  New  York  City.  It's  a  well- 
known  feature  of  their  '  At  Homes  ' — all  the 
fellows  go  for  it." 

' i  It  must  be, ' '  said  I,  *  *  a  very  useful  ac- 
complishment ";  but  I  may  confess  that  I 
privately  thought  it  must  be  a  very  great 
waste  of  time.  I  could  not  imagine  a  girl 
of  Violet  Ham's  resources  and  opportunities 
dabbling  flour  and  eggs  together  below 
stairs.  "  But  perhaps  she 'does  it,"  I  said, 
following  my  thought  rather  than  my  words, 
"  to  keep  in  touch  with  her  mother." 

11  It's  an  accomplishment  we  all  approve 
of.  With  us,  you  see,  there's  a  theory  that 
a  lady  should  know  how  to  make  home  happy 
fundamentally — be  able,  you  understand,  to 
wipe  out  the  cook.  It's  very  necessary  in  a 
country  where  the  cook  so  frequently — well, 
erases  herself." 

"  But  domestic  happiness  is  not  based 
upon  angel-cake,"  I  objected. 

"No,"  said  Val  Ingham,  absently,  "I 
guess  steaks  come  in." 

"  And  chops,"  I  said. 

' '  Dear  me,  yes ;  there  used  to  be  a  para- 
graph— "  Mr.  Ingham  went  on,  "  it  must  be 
an  old,  old  paragraph  now — to  the  effect  that 
Queen  Victoria  brought  up  all  her  daughters 
on  the  same  principle,  taught  them  to  cook, 
144 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

you  understand,  and  to  sew.  I  used  to  won- 
der, as  a  small  boy,  whether  the  princesses 
wore  their  crowns  in  the  kitchen.  But  I 
guess  it  was  a  lie,"  and  Mr.  Ingham  sighed, 
for  some  reason  entirely  disconnected,  one 
could  see,  with  the  family  of  Queen  Victoria. 

"  And  does  Verona  make  angel-cake 
too?  "  I  asked,  encouragingly. 

"  How  you  read  a  fellow's  thoughts! 
You  remember  our  last  conversation?  " 

"  Perfectly,"  I  said.  "  You  had  pretty 
well  made  your  choice,  and,  in  spite  of  the 
angel-cake,"  I  laughed,  "  it  had  not  fallen 
on  Violet." 

"  The  hand  of  Miss  Ham,"  said  Mr.  Ing- 
ham,  gravely,  "  is  doubtless  reserved  for 
some  worthier  claimant.  She  is  a  charming 
girl,  with  every  grace  and  nearly  every  ac- 
complishment. She  quite  belongs  to  the  in- 
tellectual set  of  New  York  girls;  we  have 
some,  I  am  glad  to  say,  who  are  not  mere 
butterflies.  Has  she  ever  interpreted  any 
Browning  to  you1?  " 

' '  No, ' '  I  said ;  ' '  but  you  really  want, 
don't  you,  to  talk  about  Verona?  " 

"  How  direct  and  incisive  you  English 

people  are !     I  do  want  to  talk  about  Verona, 

but,"  said  Mr.  Ingham,  with  another  slight 

sigh,  "  the  sense  of  shades  and  contrasts  be- 

145 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

tween  two  such  attractive  personalities  is 
very  enjoyable."  He  gave  me  the  impres- 
sion, did  Mr.  Valentine  Ingham,  of  being 
hardly  yet  free  of  the  burden  of  infinite  care 
and  solicitude  which  had  attended  his  de- 
cision. 

"  They  have  both  been  kind  to  me,"  he 
said,  *  *  very  kind,  so  much  so  that  I  feel  that 
I  may  hope  to  keep  the  permanent  friend- 
ship of  the  other. ' ' 

"  You  mean  of  Violet." 

'  '  I  mean  of  Violet.  It  is  so  good  of  you, 
Mrs.  Kemball,  to  let  me  talk  to  you  like  this. 
Do  you  object  to  tobacco?  " 

"  Not  in  the  least,"  said  I,  and  Mr.  Ing- 
ham  produced  a  cigarette  case.  I  noticed 
that  it  was  of  gold,  and  had  his  monogram  in 
diamonds. 

"  I've  always  heard,"  he  went  on,  after  a 
fragrant  puff  or  two,  "  that  in  England  a 
married  lady  is  more  free  to  make  friend- 
ships with  our  sex  and  receive  confidences 
from  miserable  fellows  like  me  than  girls 
are.  I  think  that's  the  way  it  ought  to  be. 
That's  the  view  I  should  like  my  wife,  if  I 
am  fortunate  enough  to  get  one,  to  take." 

"  As  girls,"  I  objected,  "  we're  kept  un- 
commonly close."  If  an  Englishman  had 
talked  to  me  like  that  I  should  have  known 
146 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

that  he  was  a  clumsy  donkey,  on  for  a  most 
tremendous  flirtation.  But  young  Ingham 
was  perfectly  sincere ;  he  meant  just  what  he 
said.  He  had  really  weighed  the  matter,  and 
it  stood  to  him  in  the  pure  light  of  a  theory. 

"  Oh,  I've  heard  of  the  bread-and-butter 
miss,"  he  said,  smiling,  "  but  she  seems  to 
be  remarkably  transformed  the  moment  she 
enters  the  matrimonial — the  halls  of  matri- 
mony." Mr.  Ingham  puffed  rapidly  at  his 
cigarette,  and  I  had  an  idea,  though  I  was 
looking  across  the  river,  that  he  was  blush- 
ing. 

"  Oh,  well,"  I  said,  "  there  are  the  two 
systems.  Have  you  read  '  The  Awkward 
Age  '!  " 

"  That's  by  James,"  Mr.  Ingham 
frowned;  "  James  is  so  dreadfully  assimi- 
lated." 

' '  You  can 't  expect  us  to  love  him  any  the 
less  for  that,"  I  remarked. 

Mr.  Ingham 's  frown  turned  into  a  bright 
smile.  "  You  know  there  are  many  English 
ideas  that  I  like  lots  better  myself  than 
ours,"  he  said.  "  You  must  be,  by  now, 
aware  of  that." 

"  Well,"  I  declared,  "  there  are  some  of 
yours  that  I  like  much  better  than  ours.  So 
it's  even.  And  Frances — you  don't  know 
147 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

Frances,  she  is  my  husband 's  cousin — simply 
adores  your  institutions.  So  the  balance  is 
in  your  favour." 

"  You  must  have  noticed  the  great  in- 
crease of  cordiality  lately  between  the  two 
countries,"  said  Mr.  Ingham  with  enthusi- 
asm. "  Personally,  I  am  very  glad  of  it." 

*  *  I  Ve  noticed  an  increased  recognition  of 
our  cordiality,"  I  observed;  "  we've  always 
been  cordial,  or  we  have  as  long  as  I  can  re- 
member. So  cordial  that  we  never  think  of 
mentioning  it.  It's  only  you  Americans  who 
go  on  being  such  good  haters — I  can't  imag- 
ine why,  unless  you've  never  forgiven  us  for 
not  thrashing  you  at — where  was  it — York- 
town?  " 

Mr.  Ingham  looked  distressed,  pained. 
"  Now,  don't  you  be  misled,"  he  said,  "  Mrs. 
Kemball,  by  what  you  see  and  hear  over 
here.  The  feeling  you  speak  of  is  wholly 
confined  to  the  masses." 

"  T-hat's  just  what  we  complain  of,"  I  re- 
marked. 

"  The  better  class  of  Americans,"  contin- 
ued Mr.  Ingham,  earnestly,  ' '  do  not  share  it. 
They  rather  admire,  in  fact,  in  some  ways 
imitate,  the  English  people." 

"  I  know,"  I  said;  "  one  finds  that  out  by 
coming  over  here  and  hunting  up  the  better 
148 


Those  Delightful   Americans 

class  of  Americans.  They  're  awfully  nice  to 
us,  and  they  say  they  enjoy  themselves  in 
England,  and  all  that.  But  I  almost  think  it 
would  be  more  to  the  purpose,"  I  added, 
gloomily,  * '  if  the  masses  liked  us  better  and 
the  classes  less.  Over  here  the  classes  don't 
count,  it  seems  to  me.  They're  simply  down- 
trodden. ' ' 

"  That  ridiculous  anti-English  bias  does, 
of  course,  come  up  politically,"  remarked 
Mr.  Ingham. 

"  Fancy  a  political  party  in  England  try- 
ing to  win  an  election  by  abusing  the  Ameri- 
cans! "  I  exclaimed,  irrelevantly. 

"  But  socially  it  is  simply  non-existent." 

"  However,"  I  said,  "  that  has  nothing  to 
do,  has  it,  with  Verona?  " 

"  I  was  coming  to  that.  With  your  per- 
mission, I  will  light  another  cigarette. 
Thank  you  so  much  for  your  interest  and 
sympathy."  Mr.  Ingham  lighted  his  cigar- 
ette. "  I  really  hope  I  don't  bore  you,"  he 
said,  throwing  away  the  match. 

"  I  should  think  not,  indeed.  It's  the 
most  extraordinary  luck — I  mean  it's  a  most 
interesting  experience  to  come  across  an 
American  love  affair  in  real  life.  They  seem 
perfect  idylls  in  Miss  Wilkins's  tales." 

"  Pardon  me,"  said  Mr.  Ingham,  with 
149 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

slight  stiffness,  "  you  would  hardly  be  like- 
ly to  find  mine  in  stories  by  Mary  Wil- 
kins." 

"  No,"  I  said,  in  some  confusion.  "  Of 
course  not.  I  should  have  said  Bret  Harte's, 
perhaps. ' ' 

Mr.  Ingham  smiled  with  a  natural  touch 
of  superiority.  "  Not  there  either,  I  am 
afraid,"  said  he.  "  Miss  Wilkins  writes  of 
what  you  would  probably  call  the  peasant 
class " 

"  Oh,  no,"  I  interrupted,  "  peasants 
never  have  such  consciences." 

"  And  Bret  Harte  of  the  Wild  West  and 
its  types." 

"  I  know,"  I  said,  intelligently,  "  Buffalo 
Bill." 

Mr.  Ingham  gave  me  another  indulgent 
smile.  ' '  Well, ' '  he  said, ' '  I  'm  not  much  like 
William,  am  I?  No,  for  a  prototype  of  my 
love  affair,  as  you  call  it,  you  had  better  read 
the  works  of  Mrs.  Burton  Harrison.  Her 
characters  nearly  always  belong  to  New  York 
society,  and  her  books  repay  perusal  on 
other  grounds  as  well.  But  perhaps  you 
know  them." 

11  I  am  ashamed  to  say  I  don't,"  I  said; 
1 1  but  how  we  do  get  away  from  Verona !  ' ' 

"  We  never  get  very  far  away  from  her," 
150 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

Val  Ingham  said,  which  I  thought  pretty  of 
him. 

I  waited,  while  he  smiled  dreamily  and 
made  smoke  rings. 

"  She  is  the  subtlest  Omarian  I  know," 
he  continued. 

"  Omarian!  "  I  cried.  "  It  sounds  for 
some  reason  like  a  mermaid." 

"  Now  what  could  the  association  be!  I 
have  it — saurian.  No,  it  couldn't  be  sau- 
rian," he  exclaimed,  dismayed,  and  we  both 
laughed.  "  An  Omarian  is  a  devotee  of 
Omar  Khayyam;  you  have  them  in  Eng- 
land." 

"  I've  heard  of  a  society,"  I  said,  "  but  I 
live  in  the  country,  you  know." 

"  When  I  go  over,"  said  Mr.  Ingham, 
"  I  believe  I  shall  visit  the  grave  of  Fitz- 
gerald before  that  of  Shakespeare.  I  sup- 
pose the  nation  holds  it  an  equally  sacred 
trust?  " 

"  I  don't  know.  I've  never  been  to  either. 
You  forget  that  I  live  in  the  country." 

"  Well,  there's  nothing  about  you  to  re- 
mind me  of  it,"  said  Mr.  Ingham,  gallantly. 
"You  appear  as  well  as  if  you  came  from 
any  large  town."  (I  have  never  yet  found 
out  what  he  meant,  but  I  am  certain  it  was 
no  incivility.)  "  If  I  am  the  happy  man  I 
151 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

hope  to  be,  I  shall  take  in  England  on  my 
wedding  tour." 

'  *  Do, ' '  I  said ;  * '  and  that  brings  us  back, 
doesn't  it,  to  Verona?  " 

He  seemed  still  to  hesitate  over  what  he 
really  had  in  his  mind.  "  I  have  been  more 
struck  than  ever  with  Miss  Daly's  style — 
what  you  would  call  *  form,'  "  he  said, 
"  since  contrasting  her  with  Miss  Ham  in 
connection  with  Lord  Walden.  I  don 't  at  all 
like  the  behaviour  of  Miss  Ham, ' '  he  went  on, 
quite  severely,  "  in  connection  with  Lord 
Walden." 

"  He  isn't  Lord  Walden,  he's  Lord  Rob- 
ert." 

' '  I  have  no  desire  to  be  so  familiar, ' '  said 
Mr.  Ingham,  with  dignity.  *  *  She  has  no  busi- 
ness to  keep  Lord  Walden  on  a  string  the 
way  she  does." 

"  I  don't  see  any  harm  in  it,"  I  said. 

"  You're  a  guest  over  here,  Mrs.  Kem- 
ball,  and  you're  polite.  You  are  sojourning 
among  us,  and  you  are  not  going  to  criticise 
more  than  you  can  avoid.  But  I  don't  need 
to  tell  you  that  the  freedom  with  which  Miss 
Ham  treats  Lord  Walden  would  not  be  well 
received  in  England." 

"  Oh,  well,"  I  maintained,  "  we  are  not 
in  England." 

152 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  Yesterday  at  tea  time,"  continued  Mr. 
Ingham,  "  she  had  Walden  down  on  his 
hands  and  knees  tugging  with  his  teeth  at 
his  blame  yellow  silk  handkerchief  against 
Nat,  her  retriever  puppy.  Then  she  made 
them  both  sit  up  and  catch  biscuits  in  their 
mouths.  It  was  a  ridiculous  spectacle. ' ' 

11  Yes,"  I  said,  coldly,  "  perhaps  that 
was  going  rather  far."  I  felt  some  annoy- 
ance. "  I  hope  it  was  quite  a  little  home 
party. ' ' 

"  The  Kittleys  were  there  and  the  Sim- 
coxes.  Ally  Simcox  asked  to  borrow  Nat 
and  his  lordship  to  do  it  again  at  their  re- 
ception on  the  29th." 

"  Upon  my  word,"  I  said,  "  I'll  speak  to 
Bobs.  When  Americans  come  to  England 
they  don't  gambol  about  in  that  idiotic  man- 
ner." 

"  I  shall  be  inclined,"  said  Mr.  Ingham, 
thoughtfully,  "  to  sit  up  very  straight  in 
England.  Well,  to  come  to  the  point,  Mrs. 
Kemball—  -"  * 

* '  I  wish  you  would. ' ' 

"  You  have  guessed  my  feelings  towards 
Miss  Verona  Daly." 

"And  I  am  not  very  clever  either,"  I  in- 
terposed. 

Mr.  Ingham  looked  at  me  earnestly.  "  It 
153 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

is  easy  to  see,  Mrs.  Kemball,  that  you  have 
more  solid  qualities, ' '  he  said.  ' '  What  I  am 
coming  to  is  this.  I  hope  nobody  can  accuse 
me  of  any  want  of  patriotism  if  I  don't  pro- 
pose to  wave  the  Stars  and  Stripes  over  the 
most  solemn  juncture  of  my  life.  I've  al- 
ways thought  that  once  I  had  made  up  my 
mind  about  the  lady  I  would  prefer  to  ap- 
proach her  in  the  manner  in  vogue  in  your 
country.  It  seems  to  me  to  have  more  deli- 
cacy and  decorum  than  our  pell-mell  Ameri- 
can way,  and  it  seems  to  me  that  its  adoption 
by  an  American  would  be  the  finest  kind  of 
tribute  to  the  girl." 

"  But,"  I  objected,  "  isn't  it  rather  late? 
Haven't  you  been  practically  making  love  to 
Verona  for  the  last  year!  " 

"  Not  a  day,  not  an  hour  late.  That's 
just  what's  going  to  be  hard  for  you  to  un- 
derstand. Since  I  absolutely  made  up  my 
mind  I  haven't  seen  her  alone  for  ten  con- 
secutive minutes.  It's  going  to  be  hard  for 
me  to  explain  too,  but  I'll  trf  and  put  it  into 
shape  for  you."  Mr.  Ingham  smoked  with 
concentration  for  a  minute  or  two,  and  then 
the  end  of  another  cigarette  went  out  on  the 
lawn.  "  You  see  with  us  you  reach  a  point 
when  you're  in  love,"  he  said;  and  I  must 
say,  tilted  back  on  his  chair,  with  his  hands 
154 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

well  down  in  his  trouser  pockets  and  his  can- 
did flush,  he  looked  very  handsome. 

"  I  see,"  I  said.  "  You're  not  in  love  in 
the  beginning." 

"  Very  seldom,  I  won't  say  never,  but  it's 
the  exception.  In  the  beginning  it's  a  pleas- 
ant friendship,  with  attractions  perhaps  on 
both  sides.  That  I  approve  of;  that's  our 
great  old  opportunity,  you  see,  of  knowing 
each  other,  that  you  never  get  on  the  other 
side.  You're  very  good  friends,  and  you'd 
rather  be  with  her  than  any  other  girl,  and 
you  don't  want  it  to  go  any  further.  Then 
comes  the  point  when,  confound  it,  you  do 
want  it  to  go  further.  A  new  element  conies 
in — it  makes  all  the  difference;  friendship 
ends  and  courtship  begins.  Do  you  follow 
me!  " 

' '  I  follow  you, ' '  I  said,  ' '  but  I  must  say 
I  think  American  young  men  are  very  de- 
liberate." 

"  We  are  deliberate — in  some  matters. 
But,  of  course,  not  everybody  so  much  so  as 
I.  I  daresay  the  average  fellow  would  pro- 
pose ten  minutes  after  the — the  point  was 
plain." 

"  And  you!  " 

"  Well,  I'm  telling  you  I  want  to  enjoy 
the  luxury  of  a  proper  courtship,  on  what  is 
155 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

really  the  old-established  plan.  I  want  to 
attain  my  paradise  by  degrees.  I  want  to 
read  the  signs  and  not  be  too  gross  about 
my  own  intimations.  I'd  like  to  savour  the 
thing — not  swallow  it  whole.  Now  do  you 
get  me?  " 

' '  My  dear  boy, ' '  I  said,  with  some  impa- 
tience, "  you're  not  so  difficult  to  get.  But  I 
can't  think  why — you  have  the  most  enviable 
privileges  and  nobody  to  say  a  word,  and  you 
want  to  throw  them  away."  I  dare  say  I 
spoke  almost  reproachfully. 

"  I  like  your  system  best." 

11  Our  system  is  cramped  and  dangerous, 
and  full  of  pitfalls,"  I  warned  him,  but  I 
could  see  he  paid  no  heed. 

' '  For  instance, ' '  he  said,  * '  here  is  one  of 
our  ridiculous  methods  of  making  ourselves 
acceptable,"  and  he  produced  a  large,  beau- 
tiful box  of  the  most  wonderful  sweets — it 
must  have  contained  three  pounds.  "  This 
is  my  first  sacrifice  to  principle.  I  meant 
them  for  Verona — I'll  give  them  to  you  in- 
stead." 

11  Oh,  but  indeed  I  won't  take  them.  Be- 
sides, what  on  earth  could  I  do  with  them?  " 
I  exclaimed. 

11  If  you  don't,"  said  Mr.  Ingham,  sol- 
emnly, "  Jake  shall  have  them;  Jake  has  a 
156 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

small  family.    They  are  intended  to  be  eat- 
en, and  they  are  the  best " 

11  In  New  York  City,"  I  laughed,  and  I 
must  say  my  scruples  melted  still  further 
with  the  particular  bonbon  that  Mr.  Ingham 
extracted  for  me.  The  instructive  thing, 
however,  was  to  see  him  eat  them — five  or 
six  in  succession,  with  the  open  confession 
that  he  always-  kept  a  pound  or  two  going 
in  his  room.  And  yet  this  young  man  before 
breakfast  that  morning  had  beaten  Kaye  at 
the  long  jump. 

"  One  considerable  charm  for  me  about 
Verona  Daly,"  said  he,  "  is  that  she  is  un- 
wealthed. ' ' 

"  Un-whatf  " 

"  Unwealthed — no  particular  money. 
Perhaps  that's  an  Americanism." 

"  I  think  it  must  be,"  I  said.  "  Well,  it 
wouldn't  be  considered  a  charm  upon  the 
English  system.  I'm  afraid  you're  not  fitted 
for  what  you  are  undertaking.  I  really  wish 
you  would  desist." 

Val  Ingham  only  smiled.  "  We  own  too 
much  ourselves.  I  mean  our  family,"  he 
said.  "  Tell  me,  did  a  fellow  ever  give  him- 
self away  to  you  like  this  before*?  " 

"  You  mean  confide  his  intentions  to  me? 
Yes,  once." 

11  157 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  English  fellow?  " 

"  Yes,  a  man  I  met  in  Surrey." 

"  I  wonder  how  he  put  it.  The  old,  old 
story,  I  suppose — we're  all  alike  when  it 
comes  to  telling  that." 

'  *  Let  me  see  if  I  can  remember.  He  men- 
tioned the  girl's  name." 

"  Of  course." 

"  And  asked  me  if  I  had  seen  her  at  the 
dance  the  night  before.  I  said  I  had.  '  I'm 
going  to  have  a  shot  in  that  direction,'  he 
said." 

"  And  what  did  you  say?  " 

"  So  far  as  I  remember  I  wished  him 
luck." 

"  And  that  was  all?  "  demanded  Val 
Ingham. 

"  That  was  all." 

"  Was  he  in  love!  " 

"Awfully." 

Val  Ingham  sighed,  and  there  was  a  mo- 
ment's silence  while  his  choice  fell  upon  a 
pistachio  strawberry. 

"  Oh,  confound  it!  "  he  said  at  length. 
"  We  enjoy  our  emotions  more  than  that." 

11  Yes,"  I  said,  "  that's  just  the  differ- 
ence. An  Englishman  rather  hates  them." 

Verona  came  through  the  verandah  at 
that  moment.  She  wore  one  of  Mrs.  Ham's 
158 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

big  aprons  and  a  pretty  pink  flush,  with  a 
smudge  of  flour  on  one  cheek.  She  made  an 
old-fashioned  curtsey  in  reply  to  our  chaff, 
and  her  eye  rested  for  just  a  perceptible  in- 
stant upon  the  sweets,  but  in  spite  of  the 
temptation  she  would  not  be  induced  to  stay. 


159 


CHAPTER   XIII 

OF  course,  I  told  Kaye — it  was  the  sort 
of  thing  one  naturally  would  tell  one's  hus- 
band, especially  if  the  days  of  one's  own 
courtship  were  fairly  fresh  and  recent,  and 
it  was  possible  to  remember  and  compare. 
This  placed  one  more  or  less  in  a  position 
to  be  useful  to  Mr.  Ingham  if  he  really  did 
want  advice  upon  any  point — it  was  not  as 
if  one  looked  back  at  such  things  across  a 
generation  of  hoary  prejudices.  I  mentioned 
this  to  Kaye  when  I  recounted  the  matter. 
I  told  him  I  remembered  exactly  what  he  did 
that  he  ought  not  to  have  done,  and  what 
he  left  undone  that  he  ought  to  have  done 
when  he  was  besieging  my  affections,  and 
felt  quite  competent  to  keep  another  young 
man  straight  in  a  similar  direction.  "  I 
won't  mention  you,  of  course,"  I  said;  "  I 
will  appear  to  draw  upon  my  general  expe- 
rience." 

"  I  should  advise  you  to  keep  jolly  well 
out  of  it,"  said  my  husband.  We  were  tak- 
ing a  quiet  walk  in  what  Mr.  Ham  called  the 
160 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  grounds."  "  That's  the  line  I'm  taking 
with  Bobs.  Don't  ask  me,"  he  said. 

"  What  on  earth  has  Bobs  to  do  with  it! 
He  doesn't  want  to  marry  Verona,  too,  does 
he?  He  can't — she  is  unwealthed,"  I  added, 
with  the  satisfaction  which  I  always  felt  in 
airing  a  new  expression. 

"  Bather  not — it's  Miss  Ham,  of  course. 
Battling  good  thing  for  Bobs,  too,  if  it  comes 
off." 

It  is  odd  how  one  hates  to  hear  one's 
husband  talk  approvingly  about  marrying 
money  if  one  hasn't  had  any.  Still  more,  I 
suppose,  if  one  has !  I  told  Kaye  it  was  too 
bad  that  he  had  done  so  indifferently  in  this 
respect,  and  he  pinched  me  harder  than  the 
law  allows.  "  And  Bobs,"  he  said,  resum- 
ing, "  has  got  the  same  bee  in  his  bonnet 
about  the  way  it  should  be  done.  With  a 
difference.  He  wants  to  go  to  work  on  the 
American  system." 

"  Oh,"  I  said,  "  wait  a  minute,  let  me 
grasp  it.  Why?  " 

"  He  says  Miss  Ham  is  such  a  thorough 
American — 

"  Well,  she  is." 

"  That  she's  bound  to  like  it  better.  He 
says  our  notions  are  *  effete  '  anyhow — it's  a 
word  he  has  picked  up  over  here — and  she's 
161 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

a  girl  of  too  much  character  and  independ- 
ence to  be  approached  that  way." 

I  mused  deeply.  ' '  But  what  in  the  world 
did  he  think  you  could  tell  him"?  "  I  asked, 
with  fine  scorn. 

"  The  Lord  only  knows.  He  said  we 
could  put  our  heads  together.  I  think  he 
thought  I  might  get  a  tip  or  two  out  of 
Ingham. ' ' 

"  Oh,  don't  do  that.  It  would  lead  to  the 
most  frightful  confusion." 

"  Not  I.  I  suggested  he  should  go  to 
Ingham  himself,  but  he  said  he  was  blowed 
if  he'd  ask  any  American.  One  can  under- 
stand that." 

"  I  advised  him  to  get  it  up,"  continued 
my  husband,  * '  to  mug  it  up.  There  must  be 
books.  Novels  can't  be  written  without  it. 
He  ought  to  get  hold  of  some  good  American 
novel. ' ' 

"  I  don't  suppose  the  directions  would  be 
very  plain,"  I  objected.  "  One  would  have 
to  be  clever  to  pick  them  out.  And  Bobs 
isn't  clever,  you  know." 

"  Maybe  not,  but  he's  an  awful  good 
chap,  is  Bobs.  And  he's  down  on  his  luck 
just  now.  Doesn't  seem  to  be  pulling  it  off. 
That's  why  he's  lost  confidence  in  British 
methods.  He  thinks  they  aren't  understood 
162 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

over  here.  Why,  he  says  the  mere  fact  of 
his  staying  here  ought  to  be  enough,  but  the 
old  man  is  as  dense  as  possible.  They're  all 
as  dense  as  possible.  Seem  to  think  he's 
just  come  out  to  play." 

"  You  mean  unless  he  wanted  Violet  he 
wouldn't  be  staying  here  like  this?  " 

"  Not  ten  minutes.  How  could  he — in 
his  position  and  she  in  hers!  " 

"  And  mamma  in  the  kitchen." 

11  Quite  so.     People  would  talk." 

"  I  don't  believe  Americans  would,"  I 
said.  "Is  he  by  any  chance  in  love  with 
her?  " 

"  Oh,  very  hard  hit." 

"  What  did  he  say  to  make  you  think 
so?" 

"  Oh — poor  old  Bobs — I  don't  remember. 
I  think  he  said  she  was  ripping.  I  gathered 
it  more  from  what  he  didn't  say." 

"  Well,  I  don't  in  the  least  see  why  you 
should  discourage  it,"  I  said. 

"  Discourage  it?  "  exclaimed  my  husband 
with  astonishment.  "  Rather  not!  I  wished 
him  well.  Why,  I  look  to  Miss  Ham — 
with  confidence — for  my  next  year's  shoot- 
ing." 

"  It's  a  long  time,  certainly,  since  Cliff  en- 
den  has  been  at  the  disposal  of  the  family," 
163 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

I  reflected.  "  How  Bobs  will  enjoy  spending 
something  on  it  instead  of  practically  getting 
everything  out  of  it!  Well,"  I  said,  with  a 
sigh,  "  one  has  always  read  of  these  Anglo- 
American  alliances  in  the  newspapers  and 
more  or  less  regretted  them,  at  all  events 
when  it  came  to  dukes ;  but  here  is  one  blos- 
soming, so  to  speak,  under  our  very  noses, 
and  a  relation  too,  and  one  doesn't  mind  so 
very  much.  And  I  suppose  they  do  promote 
good  feeling  between  ourselves  and  the 
Americans. ' ' 

Kaye  pursed  his  lips.  "  I  don't  think 
there's  much  in  that,"  he  said.  "  A  while 
ago,  you  remember,  we  sent  a  chap  with  an 
American  wife  out  to  India  to  be  Viceroy. 
The  lady  came  from  Washington.  There 
was  a  lot  of  talk  in  our  press  about  the  com- 
pliment to  America,  and  increased  cordiality, 
and  so  forth.  It  strikes  us  that  way,  you 
know.  I  mentioned  it  over  here  the  other 
day — compliment  paid  by  the  Queen  to 
American  young  lady,  and  all  that.  *  Yes, 
sir,'  said  the  man  I  was  talking  to,  '  an 
American  girl  has  mounted  the  throne  of 
India — and  why  not?  '  Whatever  he  meant 
by  the  throne  of  India,  he  evidently  thought 
she  had  got  there  on  her  own  merits. ' ' 

"  In  a  manner  she  did,"  I  said,  thought- 
164 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

fully;  "  the  Queen  didn't  marry  her,  you 
know. ' ' 

"  No,  but  my  point  is  you  can't  exchange 
international  flatteries  with  an  American. 
He  may  or  may  not  say,  '  Thanks,  very  nice 
of  you, '  but  he  thinks  he 's  worth  all  that  and 
more,  and  he'd  thank  you  to  get  to  business 
and  understand  that  that  sort  of  thing 
doesn't  go  down  with  him.  As  far  as  I  can 
make  out  this  kind  of  marriage  stands  en- 
tirely outside  of  the  average  American's  cal- 
culations. He  doesn't  love  his  millionaire's 
daughter  a  bit  better  than  he  loves  the  Eng- 
lishman who  comes  over  and  marries  her; 
and  what  I  suspect  he  would  really  like  would 
be  to  dispose  of  ma  and  pa,  and  the  whole 
boiling,  to  the  same  nobleman  at  the  same 
time — get  rid  of  the  lot,  and  leave  him  more 
of  a  chance  to  pile  up  the  dollars  himself. 
So  far  as  public  sentiment  goes,  according 
to  my  notion  that's  about  the  size  of  it,  as 
they  say  over  here." 

I  looked  about  me  at  the  shimmering  Hud- 
son, and  the  planted  lawns,  and  the  hand- 
some house,  and  Jake,  who,  in  the  middle 
distance,  was  mending  his  suspender  with  a 
bit  of  string.  It  all  had  a  temporary  air  in 
the  brilliant  sunlight,  very  blue  and  green, 
very  sharply  outlined,  like  something  ar- 
165 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

ranged  for  immediate  entertainment  and  not 
calculated  with  any  thought  to  the  future. 
I  could  already,  in  imagination,  see  ma  and 
pa,  and  the  whole  boiling  being  pushed,  for 
export,  to  the  edge  of  the  Atlantic,  with  only 
the  British  aristocracy  to  look  to  for  consola- 
tion on  the  other  side;  and  the  propelling 
hand  seemed  to  be  Jake's. 

11  Gad!  "  said  Kaye,  "  it  is  hot." 
I  am  revealing  my  husband  just  as  he 
was.    He  might  have  used  a  prettier  expres- 
sion; I  think  an  American  would,   but  he 
didn't.     "  Gad!  "  he  said,  "  it  is  hot." 

We  were  spending  the  day  in  looking  for- 
ward to  an  expedition  by  the  automobile  in 
the  afternoon.  I  must  confess  we  were  con- 
scious of  a  certain  lack  of  resource.  At  home 
there  are  things  to  do  in  the  country;  in 
America  you  principally  lie  in  a  hammock 
in  the  verandah  and  read  light  literature.  I 
will  say  for  Violet  that  her  hammocks  were 
most  luxurious  and  her  light  literature  most 
original  and  sparkling,  dainty  paper  volumes 
that  just  gave  a  fillip  to  repose,  while  the 
box  of  chocolates  or  the  dish  of  peaches, 
never  far  away,  made  one  think  oneself  a 
person  in  a  fairy  tale  who  had  only  to  wish 
and  have.  There  were  a  billiard-room,  a 
music-room,  a  card-room,  all  decorated  so 
166 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

that  no  mistake  could  be  made  as  to  their 
intention.  The  card-room  had  a  dado  and  a 
frieze  entirely  composed  of  playing-cards  in 
different  designs ;  all  kinds  of  quaint  stringed 
instruments — a  complete  assortment,  I  re- 
member, from  Thibet — hung  round  the  music- 
room;  great  champions  of  the  game  looked 
down  upon  the  baize.  But  the  energy  of  the 
house  seemed  used  up  in  procuring  and  es- 
tablishing these  things,  none  seemed  left  to 
take  advantage  of  them.  There  was  a  plain 
indifference  to  them,  at  all  events,  among  the 
young  Americans;  they  did  not  care  to  do 
anything  long  that  had  not  in  it  a  fresh 
stimulus  or  the  amusement  of  something 
new.  They  seemed  to  prefer  to  lie  in  whim- 
sical indolence  and  wait  for  the  next  enter- 
taining trifle  that  the  painted  ocean  of  life 
might  cast  up  for  them;  and  the  odd  part 
of  it  was  that  they  never  had  the  effect  of 
being  bored.  They  were  too  clever  and  ap- 
preciative and  lightly  sophisticated  for  that 
— spoilt  children  of  fortune,  I  called  them, 
but  without  any  serious  reproach.  We,  I 
confess,  were  at  times  a  little  bored,  we  solid 
English  people,  who  always  at  home  had  our 
day  cut  out  for  us.  I  speak,  of  course,  of 
Kaye  and  myself.  Bobs  was  in  that  su- 
premely absorbed  condition  which  precludes 
167 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

the  idea  of  such  a  thing.  Enormous  wealth 
cradled  us,  but  it  had  no  park,  no  preserves, 
no  fishing,  and  only  carriage  horses  in  the 
stables.  We  tried  walking,  but  five  miles 
were  more  tiring  than  ten  at  home.  It  was 
too  hot  for  golf,  though  nobody  else  seemed 
to  think  so.  It  was  the  single  form  of  exer- 
cise that  prevailed.  The  landscape  was  mag- 
nificent, but  the  details  didn't  reward  one — 
there  was  so  little  variety.  No  shady  lanes 
or  hedges,  or  market  gardens  or  villages, 
churches  through  the  trees,  or  cottagers  pull- 
ing a  forelock ;  but  an  empty  road  and  a  rail- 
way embankment,  and  wide  maps  of  crops, 
all  one  colour,  bounded  by  netted  wire  fences, 
and  a  population  of  Jakes,  mostly  driving 
superior  animals  in  high-seated  vehicles  and 
making  a  prodigious  dust.  It  was  agricul- 
ture for  profit,  not  for  enjoyment,  and  the 
country  gentleman  hadn't  a  place  in  it.  We 
vaguely  felt,  as  we  went  back  to  the  ham- 
mocks in  the  verandah  of  Bellevue,  the  re- 
proach of  the  attempt  to  introduce  the  coun- 
try gentleman  at  all  as  a  fact  of  nature  in- 
dustrial on  so  large  and  progressive  a  scale. 
Certainly,  he  went  away — the  country  gen- 
tleman who  was  our  host — every  day  to  work 
in  the  city,  and  Mrs.  Ham  did  her  best,  as 
we  had  seen,  to  redeem  the  anomaly,  but 
168 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

there  seemed  no  excuse  for  the  rest  of  us, 
we  were  equally  without  reasons  and  objects. 
If  it  had  not  been  for  the  automobile,  I  really 
think  Kaye  would  have  been  obliged  to  go. 

The  automobile,  however,  had  a  fascina- 
tion for  my  husband  which  led  him  at  a  par- 
ticular time  almost  every  day  to  disappear 
from  the  social  circle.  I  soon  ascertained 
that  it  was  the  time  the  thing  was  groomed, 
cleaned,  and  oiled.  I  may  say  in  the  begin- 
ning that  I  could  never  bear  it,  but  it  was 
supposed  to  be  a  very  fine  one ;  it  would  seat 
six,  and  do  fifteen  miles  an  hour  over  coun- 
try roads.  It  had  a  lot  of  silver  plating 
about  it,  and  "  Ham  "  painted  on  the  sides, 
so  that  it  could  never  get  lost  among  the 
other  automobiles,  and  it  lived  by  itself  in 
a  very  superior  stable  quite  away  from  the 
horses.  Jake  managed  and  controlled  and 
drove  it;  if  you  wanted  it  you  had  to  ask 
Jake,  and  it  just  depended  on  what  else  he 
had  to  do.  It  looked  rather  queer,  Jake  in 
his  shirt  sleeves  and  straw  hat  on  the  box, 
but  Mrs.  Ham  said  he  had  shown  an  interest 
in  it  from  the  day  it  came,  and  had  learnt  it 
up  and  taken  such  a  lot  of  trouble  about  it 
that  it  seemed  hard  on  him  to  hand  it  over 
to  the  coachman  just  when  it  got  so  that  a 
person  could  take  some  pleasure  out  of  it. 
169 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

It  did  seem  a  pity,  Mr.  Ham  admitted,  that 
its  driver  didn't  think  to  put  a  coat  on,  but 
he  didn't  want  Jake  should  feel  he  had  to 
come  out  in  his  Sunday  best  every  time  the 
machine  went  on  the  road,  and  that's  what 
would  happen  if  anything  was  said — Jake 
was  pretty  sensitive.  So  nothing  was  said. 
I  must  say  Jake  did  not  appeal  to  me  at  any 
point,  but  my  husband  in  the  course  of  these 
polishing  operations  developed  a  very  con- 
siderable opinion  of  him.  In  discreet  terms 
I  mentioned  this  to  Jake  when  the  oppor- 
tunity occurred — we  all  like  a  little  encour- 
agement sometimes.  "  Wai'  Mis'  Kem- 
ball,"  he  said,  thoughtfully  removing  the 
straw  from  his  mouth,  ' '  you  kin  tell  him  the 
same  from  me.  Your  better  half  has  got  a 
good  mechanical  head,  fur  an  Englishman — 
a  very  good  mechanical  head."  When  I  got 
over  my  astonishment  I  decided  that  it  was 
genuine  reciprocity,  and  nothing  more  ob- 
jectionable, but  it  did  not  add  to  my  affection 
for  Jake.  It  is  a  curious  thing ;  at  home  I  was 
always  fond  of  our  cottagers,  but  during  the 
whole  time  I  was  in  America  I  did  not  come 
across  a  single  person  of  this  class  that  I 
felt  in  the  least  drawn  to.  They  lose  their 
charm,  somehow,  in  the  United  States. 


170 


CHAPTER   XIV 

VIOLET  declared  it  was  a  tremendous  tri- 
umph of  mine  to  have  persuaded  Mrs.  Ham 
to  come  with  us,  something  immensely  to  my 
credit,  and  I  was  very  pleased  to  think  so, 
for  it  certainly  took  time  and  patience — even 
a  little  affectionate  force.  There  was  plenty 
of  room,  as  Kaye  preferred  to  go  on  the  box 
with  Jake,  and  was  rude  enough  to  say  so, 
and  Mrs.  Ham  could  not  take  up  much  of  her 
own  automobile  at  the  best,  there  was  so 
little  of  her.  She  sat  in  her  black  silk — of 
all  things  in  the  world  for  a  picnic! — very 
much  in  one  corner,  as  if  she  would  abstract 
herself  as  far  as  she  could,  and  kept  exclaim- 
ing that  we  were  all  young  people  together, 
and  couldn't  possibly  want  her,  and  it  was 
all  very  well  for  us,  who  had  no  responsi- 
bilities on  our  shoulders,  but  she  had  other 
things  to  attend  to.  Her  hands  in  her  lap 
were  restless  in  their  idleness;  she  was  not 
happy  until  I  let  her  hold  the  parasol  that 
shaded  us  both.  Tea  came  behind  in  a  carry- 
all driven  by  the  boy.  About  American  coun- 
171 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

try  places  there  was,  I  noticed,  invariably  a 
cub  of  a  boy,  of  no  special  designation  and 
no  particular  duties,  but  who  seemed  some- 
how to  fit  the  emergency  of  the  moment.  He 
looked  purposeless  but  he  was  indispensable ; 
he  preserved  a  semi-independent  attitude, 
with  the  brim  of  his  old  felt  hat  slouching 
down  over  his  freckled  face,  and  was  ready 
to  argue  anything.  The  Hams'  boy  seemed 
always  to  be  considering  whether  the  point 
of  rebellion  had  not  arrived,  whether  he 
would  or  would  not  weed  the  gravel  drive  or 
go  to  the  village  for  baking-powder;  but  so 
long  as  we  were  there  he  did  as  he  was  told. 
He  looked  pleased  to  be  driving  the  carry- 
all, and  made  one  or  two  attempts  to  pass 
the  automobile,  but  Jake  would  not  have  it. 
"  Think  we  want  your  dust?  "  he  called  out 
severely,  and  the  boy,  with  a  grin  of  appre- 
ciation, drew  rein  again.  Jake  did  not,  how- 
ever, join  in  the  conversation.  His  remarks 
to  the  boy  had  rather  the  character  of  the 
London  'bus-driver's,  and  simply  showed 
him,  so  far  as  the  automobile  went,  the  su- 
perior party. 

I  am  under  a  positive  vow  to  put  down 

exactly  what  I  observed  and  felt  over  there 

as  it  glanced  off  the  angle  presented  by  my 

own  nationality,  and  I  am  obliged  to  say  that 

172 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

the  automobile,  as  we  started  off  in  it,  struck 
me  as  very  like  a  box  of  blocks.  We  were 
the  blocks,  and  we  had  been  jumbled  in.  It 
was  a  new  and  agreeable  sensation;  hitherto 
one  had  always  been  so  carefully  assorted 
and  arranged.  Such  a  box  of  blocks  in  Eng- 
land would  have  been  so  precisely  similar  in 
shape  and  size,  in  taste,  habits,  and  tradi- 
tions; we  would  have  fitted  in  so  well  that 
there  would  not  have  been  among  us  elbow 
room  for  a  single  originality.  But  here  were 
Mrs.  Ham  and  Lord  Robert  Walden  and 
Violet,  as  diverse  as  could  be;  Verona  and 
Val  Ingham,  variations  of  the  same  delight- 
ful type;  Kaye  and  I,  sufficiently  like  every- 
body else  in  England,  but  always  being 
laughed  at  for  our  difference  in  America; 
and  Jake.  At  home  Jake  wouldn't  count,  he 
would  be  part  of  the  driving  power,  but  here 
he  was  unmistakably  one  of  the  blocks.  Jake 
had  initiative  in  every  sense ;  it  was  he  who, 
when  we  had  all  started,  produced  and  affixed 
to  the  brake  handle  a  small  edition  of  the 
American  flag.  It  gave  us  at  once  the  air 
of  universal  holiday  which  we  had  noticed 
in  New  York,  where  the  national  colours  were 
being  displayed  even  upon  the  peanut  stands. 
The  dray  horses  wore  them  over  their  ears, 
and  the  tram-drivers  in  their  buttonholes. 
12  173 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

Verona  presented  me  with  a  Stars  and 
Stripes  hatpin  and  belt  buckle  and  a  pack- 
age of  envelopes,  quite  covered  with  the  na- 
tional emblem,  to  use  in  writing  to  my 
friends.  As  the  flag  was  being  carried  so 
far  abroad  one  would  have  thought  it  would 
be  conserved  at  home,  but  it  was  not  so,  and 
we  wondered.  And  here  was  Jake,  an  in- 
timate example,  unrolling  it  in  the  heart  of 
the  country  on  his  master's  automobile. 
Kaye,  Bobs,  and  I  looked  at  it  with  interest, 
it  made  us  feel  important  and  political;  a 
little  of  the  enthusiasm  mantled  in  us  that 
any  fluttering  thing  can  stir  up  which  is  the 
standard  of  its  country.  The  others  regard- 
ed it  with  an  habituated  air,  and  Verona 
smiled. 

"What's  that  for,  Jake?"  asked  Val 
Ingham. 

"  I  guess  the  war  ain't  over  yet,"  Jake 
replied. 

11  When  we  Americans  go  to  war,"  re- 
marked Mrs.  Ham,  "  we  like  everybody  to 
know  it." 

"  But,"  said  Lord  Robert  Walden,  "  ev- 
erybody does  know  it.  It's  in  all  the  pa- 
pers." 

"  That's  no  satisfaction  to  us,"  said 
Violet.  "  Every  American  you  see  likes 
174 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

to    do    a    little    whoop    on    his    own    ac- 
count." 

"  Likes  to  carry  the  war  into  the  heart 
of  his  own  country,"  added  Val  Ingham. 

"  Don't  you  ever  display  the  Union 
Jack!  "  asked  Mrs.  Ham. 

"  Oh,  yes — at  Windsor  when  the  Queen 
is  there,  or  over  the  Parliament  building 
when  the  House  is  sitting — occasions  of  that 
sort,"  I  said. 

"  You  mean  you  don't  break  out  with  it, 
like  we  do  with  Old  Glory,  when  you're  at 
war?  " 

"  No,"  I  said,  "  I  don't  think  we  do,  ex- 
cept on  some  very  great  occasion.  You  see," 
I  added,  apologetically, ' '  we  're  pretty  nearly 
always  at  war." 

"  I  see,"  said  Mrs.  Ham,  "  you  couldn't 
keep  it  up.  There  would  be  a  sameness." 

Captain  Lord  Robert  Walden  was  think- 
ing deeply.  ' '  Oh,  come, ' '  he  said, ' t  so  there 
would  be,  you  know,  about  the  Church  serv- 
ice if  it  was  read  every  day.  So  they  only 
give  it  to  us  on  Sundays." 

I  could  have  patted  Bobs  on  the  shoul- 
der, he  had  hit  it  so  straight. 

Kaye,    on   the   box,    turned   round.     "  I 
fancy  that's  pretty  much  the  way  we  look  on 
the  Rag, ' '  he  corroborated. 
175 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  But,"  I  put  in,  "  it's  very  nice,  I  am 
sure,  to  be  constantly  reminded  that  we  are 
under  the  protection  of  a  civilized  power." 

My  remark  for  some  reason  seemed  to 
fall  a  bit  flat.  Mrs.  Ham's  expression  made 
me  think  that  "  civilized  power  "  was  per- 
haps not  quite  complimentary  enough.  A 
faint  indignation  seemed  to  rest  upon  Ve- 
rona's upper  lip,  and  even  Jake's  uncom- 
municative back  looked  conscious.  Yet  what 
more  than  a  civilized  power  could  they  wish 
to  be? 

'  *  What  moves  me  to  pity, ' '  said  Val  Ing- 
ham,  "  in  connection  with  this  invention,  is 
the  fate  of  the  horse-fly.  What  does  a  horse- 
fly get  off  an  automobile?  Varnish  only. 
Disappointing  in  the  beginning,  deadly  in  the 
end." 

The  other  Americans,  I  noticed,  smiled 
at  this  in  an  obliging  way,  as  at  an  agreeable 
commonplace,  but  Kaye  and  Bobs  and  I  were 
all  much  struck  with  the  humour  of  it.  Bobs 
roared  aloud.  "  Jove!  "  he  said.  "  It's 
pretty  rough  on  the  flies,"  and  went  off 
into  another  peal.  Who  but  an  American 
would  have  thought  of  the  unsatisfied  horse- 
fly dining  upon  the  automobile?  Nobody. 
Yet  Mr.  Ingham  did  not  seem  to  think  he 
had  made  a  joke.  We  were  always  being 
176 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

moved  to  laughter  by  things  said  at  the 
Hams'  without  a  twinkle — quaint,  amusing 
things,  that  passed  as  mere  small  talk,  but 
were  dangerous  to  imitate;  one  found  it  not 
easy,  somehow,  precisely  to  remember  the 
point. 

"  I  call  that  magnificent  of  Ingham," 
said  Bobs,  as  we  all  abandoned  the  thing  to 
Jake  and  the  wayside,  and  plunged  into  the 
woods.  Val  had  given  his  arm  to  Mrs.  Ham, 
and  was  leading  the  way  at  a  considerable 
distance.  Kaye  and  I  were  perfectly  pre- 
pared to  take  care  of  Mrs.  Ham;  it  was  an 
entirely  unnecessary  sacrifice  on  the  part  of 
Mr.  Ingham,  but  I  saw  in  it  part  of  his  inter- 
pretation of  the  proper  thing,  and  respected 
it  accordingly.  Certainly,  to  win  favour 
with  Verona  it  was  not  a  bad  plan  to  begin 
with  Verona's  hostess — the  only  thing  that 
confused  one  was  the  impression  that  the 
favour  was  already  won.  In  Verona  herself 
I  could  detect  no  sign  of  approval  or  disap- 
proval as  she  observed  the  departure,  only 
the  unfailing  charm  and  gaiety  with  which 
she  permitted  us  to  think  that  she  was  very 
pleased  to  have  our  company.  I  looked 
closely  to  see  how,  in  Bobs'  idea,  the  Ameri- 
can system  would  bear  upon  the  situation. 
He  was  gazing  upon  the  ground  with  his 
177 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

brow  knitted,  thinking  hard.  Presently  he 
went  over  and  conferred  with  Jake — not,  I 
hoped,  submitting  the  case — and  came  back 
with  a  look  of  relief  and  of  purpose.  ' '  Miss 
Ham,"  said  he,  "  this  other  path  leads  to 
Harrison's  Pond  too — Jake  says  so — and  it's 
a  prettier  way  to  go — er — Jake  says  so. 
Shall  we  go  this  way,  and — and  see  who  gets 
there  first?  " 

14  Oh,  no,"  said  Violet,  "  there  are  bears 
that  way — ask  Jake  if  he  doesn't  say  so." 

"  Not  really!  "  Bobs  exclaimed  with  ea- 
gerness. "  Confound  it — I've  left  my  kit  in 
New  York.  Oh,  you're  sellin'  me!  " 

"  The  American  brown  bear,"  continued 
Violet,  imperturbably,  "  is  particularly  fond 
of  honey  and  British  tourists.  And  I,  alone, 
could  not  defend  you." 

"  Oh,  I  say,  don't  rub  it  in  too  hard !  I'm 
sure  that's  the  j oiliest  way.  And  Jake  says 
it  isn't  more  than  a  mile  further,"  Bobs  con- 
tinued to  urge,  with  an  ingenuousness  that 
should  have  been  disarming. 

"  Can  you  think  of  any  reason,"  enquired 
Violet,  "  why  we  should  go  a  mile  fur- 
ther than  we  need,  for  choice?  "  I  myself 
thought  that  distinctly  cool  of  Violet. 

"  Rather,"  said  Bobs,  promptly;  "  a  hun- 
dred." 

178 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

Miss  Ham  looked  a  trifle  disconcerted, 
but,  as  Kaye  says,  you  simply  cannot  put 
an  American  girl  in  a  tight  place. 

"  Nonsense,"  she  said,  "  it's  swampy 
that  way.  These  things,"  she  showed  a 
daintily  gloved  foot,  "  come  from  Vickard's, 
and  cost  eighteen  dollars.  I'm  not  prepared 
to  offer  them  up." 

11  I  could  carry  you  over  those  places," 
Bobs  argued,  phlegmatically,  "  but  you'd  be 
a  bit  of  an  armful.  Why  don't  you  wear 
boots  I  " 

I  could  have  told  Bobs,  if  he  had  come  to 
me  for  advice,  that  it  does  not  do  to  suggest 
to  an  American  girl  that  she  is  anything  but 
ethereal,  and  above  all  that  an  ounce  of  her 
is  inconvenient.  It  is  her  particular  suscepti- 
bility; she  must  be,  beyond  everything,  of  a 
slender  and  graceful  figure,  and  no  more  to 
be  considered  from  the  gross  point  of  view 
of  so  many  ' '  stun  ' '  than  a  sylph  or  a  fairy. 
In  her  private  list  of  desirable  attributes  you 
may  be  sure  that  comes  first,  and  if  she  is 
so  unlucky  as  to  be  fat  before  she  is  forty  it 
must  be  ignored  or  treated  with  the  greatest 
delicacy.  Violet  was  not  fat,  but,  as  Bobs 
suggested,  she  was  a  thumping  good  weight, 
and  I  saw  a  little  spark  come  into  her  beau- 
tiful blue  eyes  when  he  offered,  if  nothing 
179 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

else  could  be  done,  to  carry  her.  She  was 
much  too  sensible,  I  imagine,  to  think  that 
a  man  ever  really  carries  a  grown  woman  for 
pleasure,  but  I  fancy  she  did  not  wish  to  be 
the  one  to  destroy  the  illusion  that  he  does. 

"  Thanks,"  she  said,  "I'd  rather  spoil 
the  shoes.  Besides,  somebody  must  help  the 
boy  with  the  tea. ' ' 

"  Right  you  are,"  responded  Bobs.  "  I 
say,  you  people,  don't  wait  for  us.  We're 
going  to  help  to  bring  along  the  buns  and 
things." 

I  glanced  back .  and  saw  Violet  loading 
him  up.  She  gave  him  a  basket  in  each  hand, 
and  they  looked  like  heavy  baskets.  "  I 
think,"  I  heard  her  remark,  "  that  they 
weigh  rather  less  than  I  do,  so  you  won't 
mind."  Then,  with  a  light  admonishment 
not  to  break  any  of  the  cups  and  saucers, 
she  ran  on  and  overtook  us,  sliding  an  arm 
round  Verona 's  waist  in  a  manner  which  dis- 
tinctly, to  me,  betokened  an  understanding. 

I  did  not  look  back  again.  I  was  too 
much  annoyed,  but  I  knew  that  fifty  yards 
behind  us  I  might  see  my  downcast  kinsman,, 
Lord  Robert  Walden  of  Cliffenden,  lugging 
along  the  essentials  for  Mrs.  Ham's  tea-party 
in  the  co-operative  society  of  a  freckled-faced 
boy,  who  did  not  even  call  him  "  sir." 
180 


CHAPTER   XV 

THE  American  woods  are  as  different 
from  English  ones  as  the  American  tempera- 
ment is  from  any  manifestation  we  have  over 
here.  They  have  all  the  sweetness  of  free- 
dom, no  hint  of  subdual  anywhere;  circum- 
stances have  wrought  nothing  upon  them 
that  you  can  see.  Things  come  up  there  ex- 
actly as  they  like,  just  as  things  rise  to  the 
American  tongue.  There  is  untamed  sun- 
light and  unchecked  shade,  with  ferns  to  your 
knees,  and  the  dead  branches  of  the  spread- 
ing cedars  not  even  lopped.  Nobody  to  gath- 
er up  the  fallen  wood ;  it  lies  and  rots  across 
the  path,  crumbling  dry  yellow  rot,  with  rasp- 
berry bushes  growing  out  of  it.  A  great 
green  profusion,  with  wanton  curves  and 
whimsical  outflingings  as  if  a  splendid,  lavish 
joy  in  life  exclaimed  everywhere.  And  in 
such  a  silence — opulent,  odorous,  divine. 

Too  big,  I  suppose,  to  possess  and  know 

as  we  know  our  glades  and  spinneys.    At  all 

events,  we  could  get  nothing  out  of  Verona 

or  Violet  about  the  trees  and  things ;  we  posi- 

181 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

tively  knew  more  ourselves  than  they  could 
tell  us.  They  hesitated  between  beech  and 
birch,  they  differed  about  hazel  and  hickory, 
to  them  the  flowers  were  all '  *  wild  ' '  flowers, 
and  varieties  in  cones  and  berries  and  fungi 
meant  nothing  except  that  most  of  them  were 
probably  "  poison."  We  saw  hardly  any 
birds,  but  they  did  not  know  a  single  note  of 
those  we  heard  calling,  and  not  even  young 
Ingham,  when  we  joined  him,  could  tell  us 
what  game  there  was  and  what  the  laws  were 
about  it.  Mrs.  Ham  believed  there  were 
foxes,  but  had  never  seen  one ;  she  made  the 
single  practical  contribution  to  our  acquaint- 
ance with  those  parts  by  pointing  out  a  chip- 
munk. We  declared  they  were  shocking 
cockneys,  and  Mrs.  Ham  replied  with  indig- 
nation that  she  had  never  dropped  an  "  h  " 
in  her  life. 

"  That  isn't  the  only  thing  that  makes  a 
cockney,  dear  Mrs.  Ham,"  I  cried. 

"  I  guess  it's  the  principal  thing,"  she 
replied.  "  Anyhow,  a  person  who  drops  his 
1  h's  '  is  what  we  call  a  cockney.  It's  the 
way  the  word  is  used  with  us. ' ' 

"  Oh,"  I  said,  as  one  who  accepts  what 

she  is  told.    Experience  had  taught  me  the 

folly  of  disputing  the  meaning,  spelling,  or 

pronunciation  of  any  English  word  with  an 

182 


Those  Delightful   Americans 

American.  I  myself  think  the  language  is 
one  of  the  few  of  our  institutions  which  they 
might  consider  they  have  not  improved,  but 
I  soon  found  one  mustn't  say  so. 

"  Here  comes  the  only  real  cockney," 
said  my  husband,  as  Bobs  approached,  car- 
rying his  baskets,  I  was  glad  to  notice,  cheer- 
fully. "  Originally,  you  know,  it  meant  a 
person  born  within  the  sound  of  Bow  Bells. 
My  cousin  was  born  at  his  father's  tqwn 
house  in  Eaton  Square." 

"  So  they  own  a  house  in  London  city!  " 
asked  Mrs.  Ham.  "  Property  must  be  very 
valuable  there. ' ' 

"  If  you  mean  he  possesses  it  free  of  en- 
cumbrances," said  Kaye,  a  little  distantly, 
"  I  cannot  tell  you;  but  the  house  has  not 
changed  hands  as  far  as  I  know."  Poor 
Mrs.  Ham,  as  I  told  him  afterwards,  meant 
nothing  of  the  kind.  Americans  talk  about 
owning  things  when  we  talk  about  having 
them;  the  word  does  not  necessarily  imply 
a  clear  title.  It  puts  a  not  altogether  agree- 
able stress  upon  the  idea  of  possession,  but 
it  is  the  general  habit. 

"  I    wonder    what    his    frontage    would 

bring,    in    sovereigns,"    mused   Mrs.    Ham. 

"  Not  that  I  want  to  buy.    But  I'd  like  to 

know  how  it  would  compare  with  Seventy- 

183 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

sixth  Street.  Well,  it's  a  custom  that  seems 
to  be  taking  hold  here  too,  living  in  two  dif- 
ferent places  for  no  better  reason  than  be- 
cause you  can  afford  it,  and  I'd  just  as  soon 
it  had  never  crossed  the  Atlantic,  for  one. 
It  seems  to  me  that  with  two  houses  to  look 
after  my  life  is  all  spring  cleaning  and  fall 
cleaning.  When  I  want  a  change  I  like  go- 
ing to  a  good  hotel  where  you're  nothing  to 
the  hired  girls  and  they're  nothing  to  you, 
and  you  get  a  choice  of  twenty-five  dishes  for 
your  dinner  and  haven't  had  to  order  one  of 
them.  But  with  a  house  the  size  of  Bellevue 
standing  empty  and  moths  accumulating  and 
repairs  wanting,  and  Jake  writing  he's  that 
lonesome,  how  can  a  person  neglect  it  all  and 
go  off  to  Saratoga  for  enjoyment!  I  don't 
know  how  the  English  manage.  When  I  read 
of  the  Duke  of  So-and-so  going  from  his  place 
in  Scotland  to  his  place  in  Devonshire,  and 
from  there  to  his  residence  in  Belgravia,  I 
say,  '  It 's  all  very  well  for  the  Duke ;  he  has 
nothing  to  do  but  sit  down  to  his  meals  here 
or  sit  down  to  them  there,  but  the  Duchess 
must  be  simply  worn  out. '  ' 

There  was  no  time  to  explain,  and,  be- 
sides, Mrs.  Ham  was  not  very  tolerant  of  ex- 
planations;   she   seemed   to   thing   they   sa- 
voured  of   superiority,    and   she   generally 
184 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

snubbed  them.  I  dare  say  she  is  still  of  the 
opinion  that  the  wife  of  a  migratory  Duke 
leads  rather  a  hard  and  harried  life.  We 
had  gathered  in  an  open,  grassy  space  that 
ran  down  and  lost  itself  in  reeds  at  the  edge 
of  a  lovely  little  sheet  of  water.  So  far  as 
Val  Ingham  could  tell  Kaye  it  had  neither 
inlet  nor  outlet,  and  no  fish  except  possible 
minnows.  My  husband  asked  a  great  many 
questions  about  it,  and  proposed  to  Mr.  Ing- 
ham  that  they  should  walk  round  it  before 
tea,  but  the  young  man  did  not  encourage 
this  adventure.  ' '  My  dear  fellow, ' '  he  said, 
a  trifle  impatiently,  "  it's  a  pond.  I've  never 
rowed  on  it,  or  swum  in  it,  or  fished  in  it, 
and  that's  all  I  know  about  it."  He  could 
not  understand  Kaye's  interest  in  a  newly 
discovered  body  of  water  just  as  such. 
Americans,  I  suppose,  have  lost  some  of  the 
pleasure  of  discovery,  they  have  made  a  busi- 
ness of  it  so  long.  Mr.  Ingham  sat  down 
and  hugged  his  knees  in  a  green  shade, 
whence  he  dispensed  general  amiability  and 
encouragement.  I  noticed  that  the  boy,  hav- 
ing deposited  his  burden,  followed  his  exam- 
ple, choosing  a  remoter  one,  and  spreading 
his  length  along  it  supported  on  his  elbow, 
with  an  indifferent  back  half-turned  to  us, 
chewing  grass.  Kaye  and  Bobs,  strolling 
185 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

forward  with  offers  of  assistance,  were  told 
to  go  and  do  likewise.  Kaye  insisted,  and 
attacked  a  basket,  and  Mrs.  Ham  fairly  fell 
upon  him. 

"I  know  it's  well  meaning  of  you,  Mr. 
Kemball,"  she  said;  "  but  we  can  get  along 
all  right  now  the  kettle's  boiling.  You  go 
and  sit  down. ' '  Kaye,  not  knowing,  like  Mr. 
Ingham,  what  was  expected  of  him,  persisted, 
and  began  taking  the  teacups  out  of  their 
paper  wrappings.  Mrs.  Ham,  busy  with  the 
bread  and  butter,  watched  him  uneasily  out 
of  the  corner  of  her  eye. 

"  Mis'  Kemball,"  she  said,  presently, 
"  don't  you  bring  up  your  husband  to  do  as 
he's  told?  " 

I  laughed.  "  I  bring  him  up  to  be  use- 
ful, ' '  I  said.  I  myself  was  seated  near  Mr. 
Ingham.  I  didn't  see  why  I  should  get  my- 
self a  cup  of  tea  when  there  were  men  about 
to  do  it. 

"  You'd  better  stop,  Mr.  Kemball," 
warned  Violet;  "  you're  encroaching  on  our 
sphere  of  influence." 

"  Sakes  alive!  "  exclaimed  Mrs.  Ham, 
"  will  you  look  at  Lord  Robert  Walden  with 
that  lemon  cake?  " 

An  American  lemon  cake  is  a  delicious 
but  very  sticky  confection,  covered  with 
186 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

meringue  and  a  thin  crust  of  icing.  Bobs 
had  prepared  it  for  consumption  by  intelli- 
gently sticking  a  tablespoon  into  it.  "  Isn't 
it  a  pudding  ?  "  he  enquired  humbly. 

"  Will  you  two  go  and  sit  down?  "  de- 
manded Mrs.  Ham  in  vain.  "  Then  I'll  have 
to  make  you."  And  taking  hold  of  my  hus- 
band by  the  elbows  from  behind,  she  posi- 
tively ran  him  out  of  the  scene  of  her  opera- 
tions. Bobs  took  himself  out.  My  own  tardy 
offer  of  help  was  better  received.  Mrs.  Ham 
evidently  thought  it  was  no  more  than  my 
business,  and  presently  I  had  the  pleasure  of 
handing  a  cup  of  tea  to  the  recumbent  Mr. 
Val  Ingham,  while  Violet  passed  Kaye  one 
kind  of  cake  and  Verona  pressed  Bobs  .to 
partake  of  another.  It  was  very  Hebe-like 
and  charming,  of  course,  and  Mr.  Ingham 
didn't  seem  to  mind.  I  suppose  he  was  used 
to  it.  In  fact,  I  noticed  at  various  afternoon 
At  Homes  over  there  that  it  was  a  kind  of 
accepted  thing  for  young  ladies  to  take 
charge  of  the  refreshments,  more  or  less  a 
post  of  honour.  Kaye  liked  it — he  said  it 
was  a  custom  brought  to  America  by  the  Ger- 
mans, and  probably  a  valued  social  tradition, 
but  it  was  too  classical  for  my  taste.  I  con- 
fess I  like  to  see  a  man  on  his  legs. 

Mrs.  Ham  had  disappeared  from  the  be- 
187 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

ginning  of  our  orgie,  and  Val  Ingham  had  to 
be  pacified  about  her  before  he  would  consent 
to  take  anything.  In  a  few  minutes  she 
emerged  from  the  woods  triumphantly  bear- 
ing a  large  glass  jug.  "  Why,  mother!  "  ex- 
claimed Violet,  "  if  you  haven't  been  making 
lemonade, ' '  and  Verona  chimed  in,  ' '  What  a 
lovely  surprise!  " 

**  Yes,"  said  Mrs.  Ham,  pouring  it  out 
into  tumblers;  "  in  my  young  days  a  picnic 
wouldn't  have  been  a  picnic  without  lemon- 
ade, generally  made  in  a  tub  and  the  lemons 
pounded — the  man  who  made  his  fortune  out 
of  lemon-squeezers  hadn't  thought  about  it 
then.  We  'd  have  despised  tea — I  'm  not  sure 
if  I  approve  of  it  yet.  This  is  some  better,'7 
she  went  on,  with  a  twinkle,  "  than  a  good 
many  of  the  tubs  I  remember.  Here's  your 
glass,  Lord  Robert.  I  want  you  should  try 
it." 

"  Oh,  thanks  awfully,"  said  poor  Bobs, 
"  but  I'm  drinking  tea,  Mrs.  Ham." 

"  That  don't  matter  one  atom,"  said  Mrs. 
Ham,  with  decision.  "  You  can  go  back  to 
your  tea,  and  finish  it  afterwards;  or  you 
can  throw  it  away  for  all  that.  Tea 's  cheap- 
er than  it  was.  I  want  you  should  try  my 
lemonade."  Bobs  obeyed.  I  suppose,  poor 
fellow,  he  had  to  make  the  most  of  his  oppor- 
188 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

trinities  for  being  agreeable.  Kaye  and  I 
took  refuge  in  postponement;  the  rest  ac- 
ceded gladly.  What  there  is  in  the  American 
constitution  that  so  predisposes  it  to  acids, 
I  don't  know;  but  I  believe  there  is  no  time 
of  the  day  or  night  at  which  the  inhabitants 
of  the  United  States  will  not  drink  lemonade. 

"  My,"  continued  Mrs.  Ham,  "  in  those 
days  we  wouldn't  have  thought  much  of 
bread  and  butter  at  a  picnic  either ;  and  there 
you  all  sit,  eating  it  for  preference. ' ' 

"  I  suppose  they  gave  you  sandwiches," 
I  said. 

"  No,  they  didn't  give  us  sandwiches 
either.  The  kind  of  picnic  I  remember  best 
was  the  Sunday  School  picnic,  and  that  meant 
just  cake  and  nothing  else.  The  picnic  in  the 
summer  and  the  Sunday  School  sociable  in 
the  winter  were  the  two  occasions  when  we 
children  got  all  the  cake  we  could  eat,  and 
we  weren't  going  to  look  at  anything  else. 
Cookies  and  doughnuts  were  what  my  mother 
used  to  send  principally,  and  didn't  we  chil- 
dren think  it  the  greatest  privilege  to  carry 
the  basket  to  the  church !  ' ' 

"  To  the  church!  "  I  repeated  in  surprise. 

' '  Yes — to  the  basement,  you  know,  where 
they  have  Sunday  School  on  Sundays.  The 
teachers  used  to  be  waiting  there  to  take  it 
13  189 


Those  Delightful   Americans 

from  us  and  give  back  the  basket  and  the 
napkin,  if  there  was  a  napkin,  which  wasn't 
always,  of  course.  Such  pleased,  smiling 
teachers  and  such  interested  children!  We 
knew  everything  each  other  brought.  How 
well  I  remember  poor  little  Ann  Springfield 
and  her  dozen  o'  buns!  They  had  sickness 
in  the  house,  the  Springfields  had,  and  Mrs. 
Springfield  couldn't  be  bothered  to  bake,  I 
guess,  so  she  just  sent  a  dozen  currant  buns, 
and  poor  Ann  had  to  take  them.  *  Despise  ' 
was  no  word  for  the  way  we  looked  at  cur- 
rant buns  as  a  contribution,  and  Ann  knew 
it.  Poor  little  thing,  she  was  that  mortified 
she  wouldn't  come  to  the  picnic  at  all.  She 
went  berryin'  instead,  with  the  barefoot  Wil- 
liams lot  that  lived  back  of  Hartley's  car- 
riage works,  and  weren't  likely  to  be  going 
to  any  Protestant  picnic.  And  well  slapped 
for  it  she  got,  too.  If  parents  only  knew !  ' ' 

"  Poor  little  kid,"  remarked  Bobs,  with 
sympathy. 

"  She  whips  her  own  now,"  said  Mrs. 
Ham,  smiling.  "  She  married  Jake,  you 
know,  and  I've  got  to  call  her  Mis'  Elwood. 
That's  funny,  come  to  think  of  it,  when  we 
all  call  Jake,  Jake;  but  it's  so.  Anything 
else  would  put  her  back  up  dreadfully, 
though  I  guess  when  she  talks  about  me  it's 
190 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

Malvina  Spence  right  enough.  There  came 
a  change  in  the  Sunday  School  picnic  long 
before  I  left  Starrville,"  she  went  on.  She 
had  quite  taken  command  of  us ;  we  listened 
as  if  it  were  a  chapter  of  romance.  "  One 
year  somebody  started  sending  to  the  con- 
fectioner's, instead  of  baking,  for  tarts  at 
twenty  cents  a  dozen,  or  whatever  would 
make  the  most  show  for  the  money.  Then 
more  got  to  do  it — it  saved  a  lot  of  trouble — 
and  things  began  to  taste  pretty  much  all 
alike,  and  generally  of  bad  butter,  and  we 
kind  of  lost  interest.  Whether  it  was  that, 
or  because  there  was  more  going  at  home,  be- 
fore I  left  Starrville  it  got  to  be  a  kind  of 
favour  to  get  the  children  to  a  picnic  at  all 
—they'd  go  or  they  wouldn't  go — you  had  to 
throw  in  a  trip  by  the  cars  and  call  it  an 
excursion  before  you'd  think  of  offering  it. 
Nowadays  I  wonder  sometimes  if  school 
keeps  at  all  over  to  Starrville." 

"  Oh,  tell  us  some  more,"  I  begged,  "  you 
— you  tell  it  so  well,  Mrs.  Ham. ' ' 

"  No,"  said  Mrs.  Ham  with  a  sudden  look 
of  repression,  "  that's  about  enough  of  my 
reminiscences.  Give  us  some  of  yours,  Mis' 
Kemball.  What  are  Sunday  School  picnics 
like  in  England?  Pretty  uncertain  weather, 
don't  you  have?  " 

191 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  I  was  never  at  one,"  I  said,  "  except 
once  when  I  was  staying  at  a  country  rectory, 
and  they  made  the  tea  for  the  school  treat 
in  the  wash-house.  I  helped  to  pour  it  out 
and  hand  it  to  the  children.  I  was  about 
twelve,  and  so  pleased  with  myself  when  they 
curtseyed. ' ' 

11  Never  at  one!  Didn't  you  belong  to 
any  Sunday  School?  " 

"  Oh,  no,"  I  said,  laughing.  "  Sunday 
School  was  for  the  village  children.  When 
I  was  older  I  used  to  teach  them  sometimes, 
but  we  were  too  far  from  the  school-house  to 
walk,  and  the  horses  couldn't  be  spared  regu- 
larly, ' '  I  hastened  to  add,  seeing  disapproval 
gathering  in  Mrs.  Ham's  face,  but  I  could 
not  avert  it. 

"Well,"  she  said,  "I  don't  see  why 
salvation  should  be  reserved  for  village  chil- 
dren and  why  their  tea  should  be  made  for 
them  in  a  wash-house.  It  sounds  like  a  mean 
place  to  make  tea  in,  if  there  wasn't  any 
special  reason  for  not  doing  it  in  the  kitch- 
en, where  I  suppose  that  minister's  wife 
was  accustomed  to  have  it  made  for  the 
family  and  for  company.  Now,  I  don't 
know  as  you  meant  to,  Mis'  Kemball,  but 
you've  kind  of  given  me  the  impression  that 
in  England  Sunday  School  isn't  considered 
192 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

good  enough  for  the  children  of  people  in 
society." 

"  Have  I?  "  I  said,  rather  awkwardly. 
"  Oh,  no,  not  that,  but " 

"  Listen  to  me,"  Violet  interrupted,  with 
much  tact.  "  I  will  recite  you  a  recitation. 
It  is  a  very  beautiful  recitation  indeed,  and 
I  promise  you  will  learn  more  in  three  min- 
utes about  American  girls,  Mrs.  Kemball, 
than  Verona  and  I  could  teach  you  in  a  year. 
It  is  called  '  Christmas  Chimes  '  "  : — 

Little  Penelope  Socrates — 
A  Boston  maid  of  four — 
Wide  opened  her  eyes  on  Christmas  morn, 

And  looked  the  landscape  o'er. 
"What  is  it  that  inflates  my  las  de  lieu  ?  " 

She  asked  with  dignity ; 

""Pis  Ibsen  in  the  original, 

Oh,  joy  beyond  degree !  " 

Everybody  laughed.  "  Penelope  Socra- 
tes "  was  certainly  funny,  and  then  Violet's 
manner  was  irresistible. 

"  Extraordinary  thing  to  give  a  child," 
said  Kaye  to  me  in  an  undertone.  He  never 
will  laugh  for  politeness  alone.  "  Wait,"  I 
said,  "  perhaps  the  point  is  in  the  next 
verse." 

Miss  Mary  Cadwalader  Rittenhouse,     (went  on  Violet,) 
Of  Philadelphia  town, 

193 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

Awoke  as  much  as  they  ever  do  there, 
And  watched  the  snow  come  down. 

"  I'm  glad  that  it  is  Christmas, " 
You  might  have  heard  her  say, 

"For  my  family  is  one  year  older  now 
Than  it  was  last  Christmas  Day." 

Again  great  laughter,  in  which  I  joined. 
I  was  getting  fairly  quick  at  American  hu- 
mour, and  the  joke  here  was,  of  course,  that 
there  were  no  old  families  in  Philadelphia, 
a  city,  no  doubt,  full  of  nouveaux  riches.  So 
even  one  year  would  naturally  make  a  differ- 
ence. Violet  fixed  her  eyes  sorrowfully  upon 
Kaye : — 

'Twas  Christmas  in  giddy  Gotham, 

["That's  New  York,  Mr.  Kemball."] 

And  Miss  Irene  de  Jones 
Awoke  at  noon,  and  yawned  and  yawned, 

And  stretched  her  languid  bones. 
"I'm  sorry  it  is  Christmas, 

Papa  at  home  will  stay, 
For  'Change  is  closed,  and  he  won't  make 

A  single  cent  to-day." 

To  my  great  relief  Kaye  saw  it.  "  Very 
good,"  he  cried.  "  Capital!  " 

For  'Change  is  closed,  and  he  won't  make 
A  single  cent  to-day. 

Oh,  very  good  indeed." 

"  Thank  you,  Mr.  Kemball,"  said  Violet. 
"  Shall  I  continue?  " 

194 


Those  Delightful   Americans 
"  Bather,"  said  Kaye. 

Windily  dawned  the  Christmas 

On  the  city  by  the  lake 

["That's  Chicago,  Lord  Bobby."] 
And  Miss  Arabel  Wabash  Breezy 

Was  instantly  awake. 
"What's  that  thing  in  my  stocking  ? 

Well,  in  two  jiffs  I'll  know." 
And  she  drew  a  grand  piano  forth 

From  way  down  in  the  toe  ! 

More  roars;  Val  Ingham  rolled  over  in 
mirth.  We  of  Great  Britain  did  our  best  to 
join,  but  it  was  a  little  perfunctory ;  we  didn't 
roll  over;  we  were  thinking  what  it  meant. 
It  was  Bobs  who  presently  hit  it.  "  Athletic 
girl,  that,"  he  remarked  amid  the  subsiding 
merriment,  at  which  it  broke  out  again,  loud- 
er than  ever.  I  must  say  I  found  the  Ameri- 
cans very  ready  to  laugh  at  our  jokes. 

On  the  way  back  I  noticed  that  Kaye  and 
I  were  allowed  to  accompany  Mrs.  Ham, 
while  the  others  paired  off  as  might  be  ex- 
pected ;  so  that  whatever  blunders  the  young 
men  had  made  earlier  in  the  afternoon,  the 
results  were  not,  apparently,  to  be  perma- 
nent. I  was  very  glad. 


195 


CHAPTER   XVI 

ALL  through,  these  chapters  I  seem  to  be 
trying  in  vain  to  talk  about  Verona.  As  I 
glance  back  her  name  holds  its  place  for  an 
instant  here  and  there  in  them  and  vanishes, 
much  as  Verona  herself  came  and  went  in 
those  first  few  weeks  of  our  acquaintance. 
She  would  hesitate  upon  the  fringe  of  a  gen- 
eral conversation  or  falter  into  a  chair  in  the 
drawing-room  circle,  but  never  for  long — one 
could  never  get  hold  of  her;  there  was  no 
satisfaction  in  those  posings  and  Sittings.  In 
New  York  there  was  always  plenty  of  Mrs. 
Adams  to  make  up — it  seemed  to  be  thought 
proper  to  turn  me  over  to  Mrs.  Adams,  we 
being  married  women  together,  and  having 
things  to  talk  about ;  and  if  Verona  had  not 
been  in  the  case  I  should  have  been  the  last 
to  grumble  at  that.  But  she  interested  me 
more  than  any  of  the  Anglo-American  di- 
versities Mrs.  Adams  could  point  out,  and  it 
seemed  to  me  a  waste  of  time  to  consider 
theories  of  bringing  up  daughters — especially 
as  neither  Mrs.  Adams  nor  I,  at  that  time, 
196 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

had  any — when  such  a  delightful  illustration 
was  looking  out  of  the  window,  doing  noth- 
ing. At  Bellevue  I  wasn't  turned  over 
to  Mrs.  Ham,  because  Mrs.  Ham  simply 
wouldn't  have  me — she  had  other  things  to 
do;  but  Violet  was  quite  ready  to  perform 
her  mother's  duty  towards  me,  and  to  the 
tide  of  Violet's  energy  a  word  or  smile  from 
Verona  was  complement  enough.  Besides, 
there  were  the  men  at  Bellevue ;  they  took  up 
a  good  deal  of  one's  time,  as  men  seem  to 
think  they  have  the  right  to  do  everywhere. 
Violet  Ham  was  the  delightful  realization  of 
all  I  had  ever  heard  and  read  about  Ameri- 
can girls.  I  looked  forward  with  great  satis- 
faction to  seeing  her  at  Cliffenden,  quite 
apart  from  the  restoration  of  the  west  wing 
and  the  building  of  new  stables,  but  Verona 
nobody  had  foreshadowed  to  me.  Her  Ameri- 
canism was  not  the  kind  that  flowers  in  every 
novel  or  crosses  in  every  steamer;  she  was 
something  quite  different,  and  I  particularly 
wanted  to  make  friends  with  her.  It  is  ridic- 
ulous to  have  to  say  so,  I  a  married  woman 
and  she  only  a  girl,  but  I  simply  had  to  wait 
Miss  Verona's  good  pleasure.  And  to  make 
the  situation  more  quaint  I  was  sure  that  our 
brief  periods  of  contact  were  quite  enough  for 
Verona ;  they  told  her  all  she  wanted  to  know 
197 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

of  me,  and  her  curiosity  was  as  lively  as  my 
own.  I  mean  she  could,  if  she  wanted  to, 
take  my  pen  at  this  point  and  write  a  great 
deal  more  about  me  than  I  can  about  her. 

One  morning,  however,  I  languished  in  a 
hammock  with  a  headache,  and  Verona,  pass- 
ing through  the  verandah,  observed  me.  Her 
humanity — one  could  see,  after  all,  that  she 
was  fully  of  that — insisted  that  she  should  go 
and  bring  me  her  Florida  water,  which  had  a 
delicious  spraying  arrangement,  and  then  I 
said,  plaintively,  as  I  was  entitled  to  do,  * '  Oh, 
don 't  go  away. ' '  She  eyed  me  doubtfully  for 
an  instant,  and  then  sank  upon  the  edge  of  a 
chair.  "  Should  you  like  me  to  bathe  your 
head  for  you  ?  ' '  she  asked. 

'  '  No,  thank  you, ' '  said  I.  "I  should  like 
you  to  sit  still.  Why  does  one  never  see 
you?  "  and  I  put  out  a  desultory  hand  to 
pluck  at  a  frill  of  her  skirt.  She  let  herself 
be  appealed  to ;  it  was  not  in  her,  one  could 
see,  to  snub  a  poor  lady  with  a  headache. 

'  *  Oh,  I  expect  you  see  enough  of  me, ' '  she 
said,  with  gay  simplicity. 

"  You  must  think  me  very  easily  satis- 
fied." 

"  Why,  how  perfectly  silly!  As  if  you 
were  likely  to  want  to  talk  to  me,"  cried  Ve- 
rona, but  she  settled  back  in  her  chair.  "  If 
198 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

it  were  Violet  now — Violet  is  really  worth 
talking  to.  She  has  ideas  and  remembers 
quotations,  really  good  ones,  that  fit  in. ' ' 

1  i  I  know  she  does, ' '  I  replied,  rather  rue- 
fully. "  It  always  brings  you  up  rather 
short,  don't  you  think,  when  you  don't  know 
where  they  come  from?  " 

Verona  leaned  all  the  way  back  in  her 
chair.  "  I  know  it,"  she  said,  "  but  it's  a 
lovely  thing  to  be  able  to  do.  Do  you  think 
American  girls  talk  well,  Mrs.  Kemball?  " 

"  Splendidly,"  I  said,  without  reserve. 
11  In  England,  you  know,  they  never  open 
their  mouths  until  they're  married.  I  know 
I  never  did. ' ' 

"  Is  that  so?  With  us  it's  just  the  other 
way.  American  girls  don't  seem  to  me  to  be 
anything  like  as  bright  after  they  get  mar- 
ried. Look  at  Mrs.  Ham.  She  taught  school, 
there  where  they  lived,  at  Starrville,  and  I 
expect  she  talked  Emerson  and  Thoreau  to 
Mr.  Ham  when  he  was  paying  her  attention 
— very  likely  they  used  to  repeat  the  Psalm 
of  Life  together.  And  now " 

"And  now?  " 

"  Now  he  listens  to  her  worries  with  the 
servants  and  she  looks  at  his  beans.  They 
pass  all  the  rest  on  to  Violet." 

"  Now  that's  odd,"  I  said.  "  With  us  it 
199 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

is  generally  the  older  people  who  are  the 
more  cultivated;  the  young  ones  are  too 
much  taken  up  with  examinations  or  athlet- 
ics or  amusements,  they  haven't  had  time." 

"  Is  that  so?  "  said  Verona  again.  (It  is 
not  really  a  question,  only  a  kind  of  neutral 
comment.) 

"  I've  learned  quite  a  lot  about  life  in 
England  since  you  came ;  it 's  much  more  in- 
teresting, I  think,  than  anything  that  goes  on 
over  here." 

"  Oh,  dear  no,"  I  cried.  "  You  are  the 
world's  new  serial,  coming  out  chapter  by 
chapter.  We  are  an  old  story,  published  in 
full  ages  ago."  We  both  laughed. 

"  You  are  always  altering  your  binding, 
though,"  said  Verona,  smartly.  "  I  would 
never  trust  a  last  year's  edition  to  have 
enough  of  Africa,  or  India,  or  China  in  it ;  " 
and  we  laughed  again.  There  is  nothing  like 
a  little  international  compliment  for  putting 
people  on  good  terms  with  each  other. 

1 '  Now,  then, ' '  said  Verona,  ' '  look  at  the 
way  you  laugh.  You  sound  a  high  note  and 
dwell  on  it,  and  then  run  down  a  scale.  It's 
the  most  English  thing.  It  sounds  as  if  you 
were  taught  to  do  it  for  behaviour.  Were 
you  taught  to  do  it?  " 

"  No,"  I  said,  anxiously.  "  I  must  have 
200 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

picked  it  up  from  my  people.  Is  it  a  very 
bad  laugh1?  " 

"  Oh,  it's  rather  pretty,"  said  Verona, 
consideringly;  "  but  when  I  heard  you  do 
it  at  Louisa's  I  used  to  think,  '  Now  she's 
laughing  at  something  she  doesn't  under- 
stand.' " 

' l  Oh,  well,  I  daresay  I  was, ' '  I  confessed ; 
and  Verona  cried,  ' '  There  you  go  again. ' ' 

The  book  I  had  been  dipping  into  dropped 
out  of  the  hammock.  Verona  picked  it  up, 
and  read  my  name  upon  the  fly-leaf. 

'  *  Caroline — what  is  your  second  name  ?  ' ' 
she  asked. 

' '  It  is  pronounced  '  duffers, '  "  I  said. 

"  Caroline  Chilifres  Kemball.  If  I  saw 
it  in  a  hotel  register  or  anywhere,  I  should 
say,  '  That  name  belongs  to  an  interesting 
person.'  " 

'  <  Well,  you  see  it  doesn  't, "  I  said.  ' l  But 
it  did  once.  Caroline  Chilifres  was  a  rather 
handsome  and  rather  political  and  not  very 
nice  old  lady  about  the  Court  of  George  I. 
One  would  think  we  were  proud  of  her,  the 
way  we  have  kept  the  name  going  in  the  fam- 
ily ever  since.  As  a  matter  of  fact,  she 
wasn't  a  person  you  could  possibly  know." 

"  Shall  you  cut  her  on  the  Resurrection 
Day?  "  asked  Verona,  quaintly.  "  I  don't 
201 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

think  it  does  matter  in  England  whether  your 
ancestors  were  very  respectable  so  long  as 
they  were  important  enough.  I  was  called 
Verona  because  I  happened  to  be  born  there 
— that  doesn't  seem  to  be  much  of  a  reason. 
It  must  be  nice  to  have  a  little  ancestor  or 
two,  just  to  blame  for  your  bad  qualities.  I 
haven't  any.  At  least,  I  shouldn't  know  any 
by  sight." 

"  They  aren't  much  encouraged  over 
here,  are  they?  "  I  asked. 

"  It's  thought  respectable  to  go  back  to 
the  Revolution,"  said  Verona,  slyly,  and  we 
laughed  again.  * '  We  have  always  supposed 
that  the  Dalys  originally  came  from  Ireland, ' ' 
she  continued. 

"  What  part?  "  I  asked,  but  Verona  said 
she  was  afraid  she  had  never  heard  what 
part.  She  seemed  satisfied  to  know  that  her 
grandfather  was  born  in  the  State  of  Ver- 
mont. It  is  a  curious  thing,  but  I  noticed 
numbers  of  instances  in  the  United  States 
where  people  seemed  to  begin  their  family 
history  with  its  first  American  settler.  They 
did  not  usually  seem  acquainted  with  it,  or 
much  interested  in  it,  at  any  earlier  period. 
Doubtless  in  the  upset  and  confusion  of  mov- 
ing, in  those  days,  to  a  new  country,  a  good 
many  family  records  were  lost.  And  after 
202 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

all  I  don 't  suppose  it  much  matters,  once  you 
become  an  American,  what  you  were  in  any 
previous  state. 

Verona  put  her  hand  on  the  hammock  and 
gently  rocked  me.  The  motion  was  loath- 
some, and  I  would  have  asked  her  immedi- 
ately to  desist,  but  it  seemed  a  mark  of  confi- 
dence, almost  a  proof  of  affection,  and  with 
poor  Val  Ingharn  in  my  mind  I  could  not  dis- 
pense with  it.  He  had  been  getting  on  any- 
thing but  well,  that  I  had  from  him  direct, 
and  it  was  supplemented  by  my  own  observa- 
tion. He  had  taken  the  very  proper  course 
of  asking  me  to  put  in  a  good  word  for  him ; 
he  said  he  was  sure  I  would  know  how  to  do 
it — in  England  that  kind  of  intermediary  was 
so  often  resorted  to.  As  a  course  of  action 
it  had  his  approval,  he  thought  it  delicate  and 
diplomatic.  So  I  swallowed  my  qualms  and 
let  Verona  rock  me. 

I  didn't  in  the  least  know  how  to  bring 
him  in.  Verona  seemed  inclined  to  talk  about 
anything  and  everything  else,  especially 
about  England  and  the  manners  and  customs 
that  prevail  there.  Never  in  my  life,  I  may 
remark,  have  I  been  so  bored  with  my  fel- 
low-countrymen and  my  native  land  as  I  was 
during  my  stay  in  the  United  States.  I 
didn't  go  there  the  least  in  the  world  to  talk 
203 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

about  the  English,  but  I  had  to,  for  hours  at 
a  time.  At  last  the  object  of  my  solicitude 
crossed  the  lawn  with  Kaye  on  his  way  to  the 
boat-house,  and  gave  me  my  opportunity. 

"  There  he  goes,"  I  said,  precipitately 
seizing  upon  him,  as  it  were,  before  he  van- 
ished. 

"  Mr.  Kemball?  What  a  dear  he  looks 
in  flannels !  ' ' 

"  I  meant  Mr.  Ingham." 

t '  Oh,  well,  he  looks  very  nice  in  them  too. 
But,  do  you  know,  I  like  the  way  your  men 
dress  much  better  than  the  way  ours  do. 
Now  look  at  those  two.  Mr.  Kemball  has  put 
on  clothes  convenient  for  going  on  the  river. 
Mr.  Ingham  is  dressed  for  the  part."  I 
gazed  after  the  pair,  but  all  that  I  could  see 
was  that  Val  Ingham 's  clothes  seemed  to  fit 
a  good  deal  more  neatly  than  Kaye's.  As  I 
looked  my  husband  hitched  his  trousers  up 
and  tightened  his  belt.  Verona,  also  observ- 
ing this,  smiled  almost  tenderly.  "  What  I 
do  love  about  Englishmen, ' '  she  went  on, ' '  is 
their  naturalness.  Yesterday  afternoon  at 
tea-time  a  mosquito  got  that  dear  thing  of 
yours  on  the  shin,  and  he  just  pulled  up  the 
leg  of  his  pants  and  scratched  it  before  us 
all.  An  American  wouldn't  have  done  it  for 
500  dollars." 

204 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

<  i  There 's  nothing  indecent  about  a  shin, ' ' 
I  expostulated. 

"  Why,  no,"  said  Verona,  but  she  still 
smiled. 

' '  What  a  nice  fellow  he  is !  "  I  sighed. 

"  Your  husband?  " 

"  No,  Verona.  Mr.  Val  Ingham.  Don't 
be  provoking. ' '  Miss  Daly  looked  at  me  curi- 
ously. ' '  I  am  sure  he  likes  you  very  much, ' ' 
she  said,  and,  as  if  to  augment  the  proof  of 
her  affection,  rocked  me  more  vigorously  than 
ever. 

I  clutched  at  her  skirt.  "  For  goodness' 
sake  stop!  "  I  cried.  "  I  wasn't  brought  up 
to  it — there's  no  earthly  use  pretending  that 
I  like  it." 

Verona  stayed  the  hammock.  "  There's 
no  use  pretending  anything, ' '  she  said.  ' '  Do 
you  really  like  Val  Ingham?  " 

"  I  do  indeed,"  I  said.  "  Why  should 
you  think  otherwise  ?  ' ' 

"  Oh,  I  don't  know.  I  thought,  perhaps, 
you  were  only  analyzing  him  as  a  type  of 
young  society  men  over  here." 

"Heavens!"  I  cried.  "What  a  cold- 
blooded thing  to  do!  Poor  Mr.  Ingham — 
no,  indeed.  Besides,  I  couldn't  analyze  any- 
body to  save  my  life." 

"  Then  you  like  him  for  himself?  " 
14    '  205 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

11  Of  course  I  do." 

"  That,"  said  Verona,  meditatively, 
"  makes  a  difference." 

"  Oh,  we're  great  friends.  He's  coming 
to  stay  with  me  at  Whitewood  the  next  time 
he  is  in  England." 

Verona  said  nothing,  but  very  slightly 
raised  her  eyebrows. 

"It's  a  very  good  hunting  country,"  I 
said, ' '  and  Kaye  has  promised  to  mount  him 
if  he  stays  for  the  winter.  Don't  you  like 
him  too,  Verona?  "  I  looked  at  her  hand 
and  thought  of  taking  it,  but  it  seemed  too 
far  away,  or  something. 

"  We  have  been  friends  for  the  last  two 
seasons.  We  have  things  in  common.  He 
responds  to  me  and  I  to  him  in  several  direc- 
tions, ' '  said  Verona. 

"Oh,"  I  said,  and  then  I  said,  "  In- 
deed? "  I  didn't  in  the  least  know  what  else 
to  say.  Verona,  leaning  back  among  silk 
cushions,  clasped  her  slender  hands  in  her 
lap,  compressed  her  lips  critically,  and  nar- 
rowed her  eyes  as  she  gazed  in  front  of  her, 
as  if  to  consider  Val  Ingham  undistracted  by 
any  surrounding  circumstances. 

"  He's  very  good-looking — fine  eyes,"  I 
ventured. 

"  Y — es,"  conceded  Verona,  absent-mind- 
206 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

edly.  ' '  Yes,  certainly.  As  far  as  that  goes. 
He  dances  well  too.  I  know  it's  weak  of  me, 
but  I  haven't  any  use  for  a  man  that  isn't  a 
good  dancer." 

'  *  Any  use  for  him  ?  "  I  echoed. 

"  I  mean  he  doesn't  interest  me.  I  think 
it  must  be  because  the  spiritual  counterpart 
of  the  rhythmic  sense  is  lacking,  but  I  don't 
know.  Anyway,  it's  horrid  having  your 
knees  bumped.  Does  Lord  Bobby  dance 
well!  " 

"  Like  an  angel,  when  he  likes;  but  he's 
dreadfully  lazy.  Mr.  Ingham  is  clever  too, 
isn't  he,  Verona?  " 

"  Oh,  he's  more  than  that,"  Verona  al- 
lowed, with  an  effect  of  generous  correction. 
"  He  feels  things — he  has  a  certain  amount 
of  temperament.  It's  a  great  pleasure,"  she 
went  on,  "  to  induce  some  reflection  of  his 
soul  to  flash  out,  especially  when  it  has  the 
colour  of  your  own." 

"  I  know,"  I  exclaimed,  intelligently. 
"  You  mean  that  you  are  affinities.  How 
nice!  " 

Verona  looked  at  me  as  if  she  had  not 
made  me  understand,  whereas  she  had,  per- 
fectly. 

"  I  don't  think  you  express  it  very  mod- 
ernly,"  she  said. 

207 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  But  that's  what  it  comes  to.  I  don't 
think  Kaye  and  I  are  affinities,  precisely," 
I  reflected,  "  but  we  get  on  very  well." 

"I'm  not  sure  that  that  kind  of  relation- 
ship is  so  very  desirable  in  married  people. 
It  must  make  life  very  tense,"  remarked  my 
young  lady  with  a  fine  calm,  and  I  felt  as  if 
poor  Val  Ingham  were  quite  dismissed  from 
the  list  of  possible  husbands.  "  Tell  me," 
she  went  on,  "  I've  been  dying  to  ask  you 
for  ever  so  long — when  Lord  Robert  was  in 
India  last  year  did  he  fight  any?  " 

"  I  hope  so,"  I  said.  "  His  regiment, 
you  know,  took  part  in  the  Tirah  Expedi- 
tion." 

"  He  doesn't  look  as  if  he'd  ever  killed 
a  man.  Most  of  my  friends  in  the  Philip- 
pines," continued  Verona,  thoughtfully, 
"  have  killed  several." 

"  Bobs  got  a  D.S.O.,  anyway,"  I  said, 
defensively. 

"  What's  that!  " 

' '  A  Done  Something  or  Other,  Kaye  calls 
it.  Properly  speaking,  a  Distinguished  Serv- 
ice Order.  And  the  Frontier  medal,  with 
two  clasps." 

"  How  perfectly  fascinating!  He  must 
have  killed  loads  of  Tirahs,  or  whatever  they 
are.  I  wonder  if  he'd  lend  it  to  me  to  wear 
208 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

at  the  Kittleys'  hop  on  Thursday;  but,  of 
course,  Violet  has  asked  him  already." 

The  idea  horrified  me  into  silence. 
11  He's  already  promised  me  one  of  his  regi- 
mental buttons  to  make  a  hatpin  of,"  Ve- 
rona went  on,  ' '  and  one  of  the  Junior  Army 
and  Navy  Club  ones  too,  with  *  Bag  and 
Famish  '  on  it.  Won't  it  be  too  chic  for 
words?  " 

"I'm  pretty  certain,"  I  managed  to  say 
at  last,  "  that  he  hasn't  his  uniform  with 
him,  or,  of  course,  his  medals  either." 

*  *  Anyway,  I  shall  ask  him, ' '  said  Verona. 


CHAPTER   XVII 

ON  Sunday  mornings  some  of  us  always 
drove  to  Waterford,  the  nearest  village,  to 
church.  It  was  not  in  any  way  compulsory, 
as  it  so  often  is  at  home;  one  was  not  likely 
to  meet  the  rector  the  next  evening  at  din- 
ner and  read  one's  delinquencies  in  his  eye. 
As  a  matter  of  fact  there  was  no  rector,  the 
Hams  were  Congregationalists,  and  the  min- 
ister of  that  denomination  in  Waterford 
seemed  not  to  be  known  beyond  the  village. 
The  Hams  had  a  pew  and  paid  for  it,  did 
their  duty  by  special  offerings  and  subscrip- 
tions, listened  to  the  sermon  and  sang  the 
hymns,  and  there  it  seemed  to  end.  They 
knew  their  pastor's  name,  but  during  the 
whole  of  our  visit  we  hardly  heard  it.  It  is 
a  curious  thing  to  write,  but  he  did  not  seem 
in  touch  with  the  few  wealthy  members  of 
his  congregation  like  the  family  at  Bellevue ; 
he  glanced  at  them  respectfully  in  the  village 
street,  and  raised  his  hat  as  if  they  were 
his  superiors.  He  seemed  a  functionary  to 
whose  services  they  were  entitled,  with  the 
210 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

rest  of  one  portion  of  the  public;  they  took 
them  and  paid  for  them,  and  went  their  way, 
recognising  no  claim — nor  was  any  made — 
on  the  part  of  their  spiritual  adviser  to  be 
what  they  would  call  "  in  society."  This  is 
putting  it  rather  baldly,  but  the  facts  did 
seem  bald,  by  contrast,  I  suppose,  with  the 
Hon.  and  Rev.  Horatio  Ffrench,  vicar  of 
Cobbhampton,  who  is  never  more  annoyed 
than  when  one  of  his  parishioners  lets  a  place 
to  difficult  people.  Perhaps,  too,  the  Hams' 
spiritual  relations  were  more  equally  adjust- 
ed in  the  winter,  when  they  worshipped  in 
New  York.  The  service  in  the  little  frame 
church  at  Waterford  had  always,  I  remem- 
ber, rather  the  character  of  a  compromise, 
and  there  were  a  good  many  suppressed  and 
apologetic  smiles  at  some  of  the  things  the 
preacher  said,  such  as  "  You  may  be  sure 
the  devil  will  hump  himself  if  you  don't." 
I  put  that  down  intending  to  find  out  what  it 
meant,  but  I  never  did. 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Ham,  Verona,  Bobs,  Kaye, 
and  I  had  been  the  party  one  Sunday  soon 
after  my  chat  with  Verona,  and  we  drove 
home  to  find  the  usual  addition  for  lunch  of 
more  young  people  from  New  York.  They 
came  in  hosts,  did  young  people  from  New 
York,  and  always  on  Sunday.  They  made 
211 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

a  kaleidoscopic  vision  of  youth,  with  only 
one  constant  feature  in  their  originality,  a 
simply  unsurpassable  standard  of  charming 
clothes.  They  were  wonderfully  vivacious 
and  clever  and  detached  as  it  were  from  the 
commonplaces  of  life;  they  seemed  to  float 
above  it  and  look  down  at  it  from  a  point 
which  they  attained  by  simply  being  severed 
from  anything  so  sordid  as  the  consideration 
of  bills.  They  diffused  tremendously  the  at- 
mosphere of  being  able  to  do  exactly  as  they 
liked,  of  having  no  limitations  except  indi- 
vidual ones.  The  talk  of  course  was  allusive 
and  personal — it  generally  is  with  young 
people — and  one  could  not  always  follow  it, 
but  its  gaiety  and  rapidity  and  good  humour 
were  delightful — quite  set  one  up.  I  sup- 
pose they  were  still  when  they  were  asleep, 
but  it  seemed  unlikely,  they  were  so  full  of 
restless  movement  at  all  other  times,  never 
for  a  whole  instant  quiet.  Eyes,  features, 
shoulders,  hands;  if  nothing  else  stirred,  be 
sure  a  patent  leather  foot  was  wagging  hard 
at  an  unsuspected  end,  giving  the  lie  to  any 
idea  of  real  repose.  They  were  never  bored, 
or  dull,  or  languid ;  they  showed  such  a  keen 
and  perpetual  sense  of  enjoyment  that  I  used 
to  wish  one  could  transport  the  whole  of 
them — the  whole  bunch  of  young,  fresh,  fruc- 
212 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

tifying  life — to  England,  to  enliven  our  so- 
ciety and  appreciate  the  charms  and  the  com- 
fort of  our  way  of  living.  I  felt  quite  sorry 
sometimes  that  Bobs  could  only  marry  one 
of  them,  and  remembered  other  friends,  es- 
pecially one  or  two  men  at  Aldershot,  less 
blessed  than  he  in  the  opportunity.  I  was 
thinking,  of  course,  chiefly  of  the  girls;  the 
young  fellows  seemed  somehow  more  bound 
up  with  the  country,  better  satisfied  with  it, 
and  better  suited  to  it.  I  never  had  any 
overwhelming  desire  to  deport  American 
young  men  from  the  scenes  of  their  activity 
to  those  of  our  leisure,  and,  as  a  matter  of 
fact,  they  don 't  come,  do  they  ?  they  are  much 
too  patriotic. 

There  was  a  Miss  Georgie  Madden,  and  a 
Miss  Daisy  Summers,  and  a  young  Madden, 
and  a  young  man  Summers,  I  remember,  that 
Sunday  among  the  others,  and  we  had  talked 
of  nothing,  since  luncheon,  but  golf.  The 
club  Violet  belonged  to  played  over  links  three 
miles  away,  and  the  Hams'  tennis-courts  lay 
in  perfect  order  under  their  drawing-room 
windows,  but  these  circumstances  made  no 
difference,  tennis  was  uniformly  neglected, 
and  every  day  a  contingent  went  off  by  auto- 
mobile or  otherwise  to  the  links.  I  must  say  it 
gave  me  the  idea  that  American  tendencies 
213 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

in  amusement  were  rather  extreme.  The  war 
was  still  a  subject,  but  we  heard  as  much  of 
golf  as  of  the  Philippines,  and  the  remark- 
able thing  about  it  was  the  way  it  excluded 
everything  else.  Kaye  is  fairly  keen  on  it ;  I 
am  a  poor  person  on  the  tee  and  feebler  still 
on  the  green,  and  I  naturally  preferred  ten- 
nis ;  but  the  bored  and  languid  way  in  which 
the  other  three  played  when  at  last  we  got  up 
a  set  quite  discouraged  all  desire  to  propose 
it  again.  It  was  easy  enough  to  beat  their 
heads  off,  neither  of  them  had  had  a  racquet 
in  their  hands  the  whole  season  they  said, 
and  I  believed  them.  They  actually  talked 
golf  between  the  services,  as  if  they  could 
not  even  think  of  any  other  game  while  they 
were  playing  it.  Tennis,  it  appeared,  was 
distinctly  not  the  thing,  though  it  was  indul- 
gently pointed  out  that  it  might  ' '  come  in  ' ' 
again.  It  was  not  the  fault  of  tennis,  but  of 
that  wayward  abstraction  called  popularity, 
to  which  we  all  had  to  bow. 

I  tried  to  explain  the  English  toleration 
for  more  than  one  form  of  exercise,  but  I 
could  see  that  I  was  not  understood ;  a  game 
was  a  thing  either  to  be  "  perfectly  crazy  " 
about  or  to  be  practically  laid  on  the  shelf- 
relegated  to  the  amusements  of  second-class 
hotels.  One  would  positively  think  by  the 
214 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

contemptuous  way  Miss  Daisy  Summers 
talked  about  tennis  that  it  had  descended  to 
the  servants'  hall,  or  whatever  answers  to  it 
in  America.  That  was  another  feature  about 
golf,  it  seemed  to  take  the  form  of  a  cachet 
of  fashion — a  curious  function  for  a  game. 
I  don't  think  we  have  any  notion  to  corre- 
spond with  it.  It  is,  perhaps,  thought  swag- 
ger to  hunt,  but  farmers  do,  and  even  'Ar- 
ries,  according  to  Punch,  though  I  must  say 
I've  never  seen  one  at  a  meet.  Perhaps  polo 
is  thought  a  smart  game  among  men;  but 
then  it  is  so  limited.  Certainly  one  would 
never  put  people  down  as  second-rate  be- 
cause they  didn't  hunt  or  play  polo.  But  I 
expect  to  be  believed  when  I  say  that  is  what 
it  came  to  on  the  Hams'  verandah  with  re- 
gard to  golf.  When  I  was  asked  if  I  played, 
and  answered,  as  every  poor  player  does, 
that  I  was  keeping  it  for  my  old  age,  the 
subject  was  politely  changed  and  brought 
within  the  limits  of  my  obviously  narrow  ex- 
perience of  the  world.  Kaye  only  just  re- 
deemed me  with  a  technical  expression  which 
none  of  them  had  heard,  and  which  they  all 
wrote  down!  Stories  were  told  of  outsiders 
who  assumed  familiarity  with  the  game 
and  made  ridiculous  mistakes  about  it,  and 
laughed  at  as  if  these  were  blunders  in  gram- 
215 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

mar  or  in  manners.  And  Miss  Georgie  Mad- 
den confided  to  me  that  she  privately  hated 
it,  and  only  played  because  you  were  so  out 
of  it  if  you  didn't. 

"  Isn't  it  what  you  call  a  classy  game  in 
England?  "  asked  Mr.  Summers.  He  pro- 
nounced '  *  classy  ' '  like  '  *  massy. ' '  There  is 
nothing  so  confusing  as  familiar  slang  with 
the  vowels  flattened. 

"  Oh,  no,"  I  said.  "  The  most  frumpy 
people  play.  In  Scotland  some  of  the  best 
players  are  nobody  at  all — dear  me,  their 
photographs  are  enough!  But,  of  course, 
smart  people  play  too,  like  the  Hon.  Dolly 
Petre — she  is  our  county  champion — and 
politicians  like " 

"  Mr.  Balfour!  "  they  all  exclaimed  in 
one  breath. 

"  Yes,  and — oh,  all  sorts  of  people."  I 
finished,  "  If  you  like  it  you  play  it,  and  if 
you  don't  you  don't." 

"  I  suppose  it  isn't  so  new  with  you  as 
it  is  with  us?  You've  had  time  to  get  tired 
of  it,"  said  the  young  man  Madden. 

11  We've  been  playing  it  about  300  years 
in  Scotland  and  200  years  in  England," 
Kaye  replied;  "  but  we're  not  tired  of  it,  as 
far  as  I  know." 

"  Great  Scott!  "  exclaimed  Val  Ingham; 
216 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  you  know  when  you  like  a  thing,   don't 
you?  " 

"  Why,"  pursued  my  husband,  "  there's 
a  portrait  at  the  Mythe  of  a  forbear  of  mine 
that  had  the  vanity  to  get  himself  done  in  the 
pink  over  a  century  ago." 

"  Then  I  expect  you've  inherited  that 
wonderful  approach  of  yours,"  said  Verona, 
respectfully. 

"  If  I  have  it  was  all  the  old  beggar  left 
me, ' '  Kaye  went  on.  ' '  He  got  through  every- 
thing he  could  lay  his  hands  on,  and  then 
went  off  to  fight  the  French  in  Canada.  An 
Iroquois  scalped  him  there,  and  a  brother 
officer  got  the  Iroquois  and  brought  home 
the  scalp." 

"  How  perfectly  thrilling!  "  cried  Miss 
Summers.  "  You  have  the  record  of  it  all 
—old  letters?  " 

"  We  had  the  scalp  until  ten  years  or 
so  ago.  You  remember  it,  Bob.  The  grand- 
mother used  to  keep  it  in  one  of  those  little 
green  silk  things  that  roll  up." 

"  Needle-cases!  "  ejaculated  Verona. 

"  Rather,"  replied  Bobs;  "  and  the  time 
you  got  Frances  to  bag  it,  and  send  it  in  a 
hamper  of  grub  to  school,  to  show  the  other 
fellows." 

"  Ee-ugh!  "  remarked  Miss  Madden. 
217 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  Well,  one  day  the  grandmother  said  it 
was  too  painful  a  memory,  and  she  wouldn't 
have  it  in  the  house  any  longer,  so  she  gave  it 
to  a  charity  bazaar  to  be  raffled,  and  what 
became  of  it  I  haven 't  the  remotest  notion. ' ' 

"  What  a  way  to  treat  the  scalp  of  an 
ancestor,"  cried  Miss  Madden. 

"  It  was  rather  a  bald  one,"  said  Kaye, 
in  deprecation,  "  and  it  wasn't  a  nice  thing 
to  have  about.  I  believe  I  got  hold  of  it  as 
a  baby  once,  and  promptly  put  it  where  all 
babies  put  things." 

A  general  shriek  assailed  and  stopped 
him.  "  Well,  if  he  did  hand  you  down  that 
approach,"  said  Val  Ingham,  "  it  was  the 
least  you  could  do  to  give  Christian  burial 
to  his  remains." 

"  Oh,  I'm  beastly  uncertain.  That  was 
a  capital  lie  I  had  yesterday  at  the  last  hole, 
and  it  didn't  come  off  a  little  bit." 

"  That  was  an  accidental  foozle,"  Val 
Ingham  returned,  handsomely.  "  Well, 
whatever  you  think  of  it  in  England,  golf 
has  had  a  great  triumph  in  this  country.  We 
couldn't  have  paid  a  game  a  higher  compli- 
ment." 

Mr.  Ingham  quite  gave  the  impression 
that  he  was  offering  one  to  the  country  from 
which  golf  emanated.  That  is  a  great  no- 
218 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

tion  with  Americans — they  think  they  flatter 
you  tremendously  if  they  take  up  one  of  your 
institutions.  I  never  could  see  it.  I've 
heard  a  German  quite  congratulated  with 
"  Everything  is  Wagner  this  year  in  New 
York."  I  think  he  must  have  felt  inclined 
to  reply,  like  the  Chicago  man  about  the 
Viceroy's  American  wife:  "And  why  not?  " 

They  disputed  at  last;  people  who  talk 
endless  and  unmitigated  golf  always  do.  It 
was  something  about  a  twosome  and  a  four- 
some and  passing.  Kaye  quoted  authority 
with  confidence.  "  That's  the  rule,"  said 
he. 

"  Well,  of  course,  I  don't  know  what  the 
practice  may  be  in  your  part  of  the  world, 
sir.  I  can  only  tell  you  what  the  rule  on  that 
point  is  as  approved  by  the  American  Golf  As- 
sociation. ' '  Three  people,  at  least,  looked  as- 
tonished on  the  Hams'  verandah. 

"  Do  you  mean  to  say,"  exclaimed  my 
husband,  '  *  that  your  association  would  tam- 
per with  the  rules!  "  Positively,  they  might 
have  been  Holy  Writ. 

"  Pardon  me,"  returned  Mr.  Madden — 
no  polite  American  will  argue  without  that 
preface,  one  is  eternally  '  *  pardoning  ' '  them. 
* '  Pardon  me,  I  have  not  had  the  opportunity 
of  comparing  your  rules  and  ours.  But  I 
219 


Those  Delightful    Americans 

have  no  doubt  we  may  have  altered  some  of 
them  to  suit  the  country." 

"  You'd  much  better  alter  the  country," 
advised  Kaye,  with  distinct  sarcasm;  and  in 
a  moment  I  am  certain  things  would  have 
been  said  but  for  Violet.  Miss  Ham  joined  us 
just  then,  carrying  a  large  paper  bag  and  a 
small  box.  I  saw  a  conscious  look  come  over 
Bobs'  face,  and  it  flashed  upon  me  that  he 
had  been  trying  to  be  original,  or  American, 
which  is  equally  difficult.  I  trembled  for 
him,  Violet  looked  so  mischievous,  and  I 
trembled  with  reason. 

"  Just  look,"  she  cried.  "  Everybody, 
please  look  at  what  I've  found  on  my  dress- 
ing-table! From  Lord  Bobby !  Isn't  it  just 
as  sweet  of  him  as  ever  it  can  be!  " 

"  Peanuts!  "  exclaimed  Miss  Summers. 

11  Gum!  "  ejaculated  Miss  Madden. 

The  inflection  was  ambiguous,  but  it  was 
immediately  lost  in  a  shout  of  laughter. 
Poor  Bobs  looked  frightfully  annoyed,  but 
they  laughed  as  if  they  couldn't  help  it. 

"  And  a  real  thoughtful  note,"  Violet 
went  on,  "  saying  he  doesn't  think  they  can 
be  good  for  me,  but  if  I  don't  eat  them 
all  at  once  perhaps  they  won't  do  me  any 
harm." 

"  Say,  old  fellow,"  exclaimed  Val  Ing- 
220 


Those  Delightful   Americans 

ham,  between  his  spasms,  "  how  you  are 
catching  on!  " 

"  So  you  must  all  help  me,"  continued 
Violet,  liberally  passing  the  bag  and  the  box. 

"  If  Lord  Robert  will  kindly  show  us 
how,"  cried  the  young  man  Madden,  hold- 
ing out  one  of  the  little  white  oblongs  of 
chewing  gum.  "  The  peanuts  I  think  I  can 
trust  my  memory  for,  but  this — 

How  they  did  laugh!  All  but  Verona. 
Verona  distinctly  helped  Bobs  out  and  pre- 
vented his  going  off  in  the  sulks  to  the  bil- 
liard-room, as  I  saw  at  one  moment  he  meant 
to.  Sustained  by  Verona  he  took  the  tre- 
mendous chaffing  he  got  very  well.  "  I'll 
send  the  next  ones  to  you,"  he  declared  to 
her  gratefully,  and  Verona  said  "  Yes,  do," 
but  I  don 't  think  he  ever  had  the  courage. 


221 


CHAPTER   XVIII 

THE  moment  I  got  Kaye  alone  I  tackled 
him  on  the  subject  of  the  melancholy  fiasco 
I  have  just  described.  "  Did  you  tell  him  to 
do  it?  "  I  demanded. 

"  I  didn't  tell  him  not  to,"  my  husband 
confessed. 

"  I  wish  Bobs  would  just  occasionally 
come  to  me  for  advice,"  I  said.  "  Did  you 
really  suppose,  the  pair  of  you,  that  it  was 
customary  over  here  to  send  young  ladies 
peanuts  and  chewing-gum  as  a  mark  of  con- 
sideration? " 

"  You  told  me  yourself " 

"  Oh,  sweets!  That's  quite  a  different 
thing!  They  are  delicate  and  expensive — 
candied  violets  and  rose  leaves!  " 

"  They  hadn't  anything  of  that  sort  in 
the  village " 

"  Was  that  where  he  got  them?  " 

"  Yes;  we  bicycled  over.  I'm  sure  I've 
always  heard ' 

"  Haven't  you  in  the  last  two  months  dis- 
proved a  nuntber  of  things  you'd  always 
heard?  "  I  asked,  coldly. 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  Oh,  well,  you  needn't  jump  on  me!  I 
told  Bobs  I  didn't  think  it  would  be  a  go, 
somehow.  There  was  something  so  awful 
about  the  bag. ' ' 

"  There  was,"  I  groaned. 

' '  Bobs  was  bound  it  would  be  understood. 
He 's  been  nosing  round,  you  know,  after  the 
proper  thing  for  some  time.  He  came  home 
as  proud  as  a  retriever  with  that  confounded 


"  Bobs  isn't  very  clever,"  I  remarked, 
and  Kaye  shook  his  head.  It  was  a  state- 
ment that  had  often  found  us  in  gloomy  ac- 
cord before. 

"  It's  a  pity,"  I  continued;  "  they  don't 
seem  to  be  much  liked  over  here  unless 
they're  clever,  I  mean  by  girls." 

"I've  noticed  that,"  said  Kaye,  packing 
tobacco  into  his  pipe;  "  they  don't  take  to  a 
chap  much  on  his  merits  just  as  a  decent 
marrying  man." 

"  Of  course,"  he  added,  applying  a  sec- 
ond match;  "  in  Bobs'  case  there's  always 
the  title." 

* '  One  would  think  so, "  I  mused ;  *  *  but  I 
have  reason  to  believe  she  refused  young 
Foskin,  Laura  Deane's  second-cousin,  you 
know.  He's  a  baronet." 

"  Stutters,  doesn't  he?  " 
223 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  No,  not  that;  but  there  is  something. 
Oh,  I  know,  he's  got  no  sense  of  smell.  But 
that  shouldn't  have  made  any  difference — 
in  a  baronet. ' ' 

"  With  this  sort  of  girl  you  never  can 
tell.  Maybe  she  objected  to  a  chap  who 
wouldn't  know  if  the  gas  was  escaping." 

"  I  don't  believe  it  was  that,"  I  said; 
* '  I  think  she  suspected  him  of  being  lacking 
in  some  spiritual  counterpart." 

Kaye  took  his  pipe  out  of  his  mouth  and 
looked  at  me. 

' '  I  was  only  thinking, ' '  I  hastened  to  as- 
sure him, ' '  of  a  conversation  I  had  the  other 
day  with  Verona.  It  was  most  unsatisfac- 
tory. ' ' 

"  About  Ingham?  Well,  how  does  the 
land  lie?  I  hope  she  is  going  to  chuck 
him." 

"  I  don't  see  why  you  should  hope  any- 
thing so  painful.  I  haven't  the  least  notion 
what's  she  going  to  do." 

"  Wouldn't  talk,  eh?  " 

"  Oh,  yes,  she  would  talk!  " 

"  Wouldn't  commit  herself?  " 

"  She  committed  herself  so  far  as  to  say 
he  was  charming." 

"  Well,  that's  all  right,  isn't  it?  " 

"  No!  "  I  replied,  explosively;  "  it's  a 
224 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

thing  you  would  never  say  about  anybody  you 
were  in  love  with!  Charming — fiddlesticks! 
And  she  told  me  just  how  far  they  were  sym- 
pathetic to  each  other;  at  least,  no,  I  don't 
think  she  did  that,  but  she  certainly  gave  me 
the  idea  that  they  were  sympathetic." 

"All  the  better  for  that." 

*  *  And  yet  when  I  said  they  were  affinities, 
she  wouldn't  have  it." 

11  Oh,  well,  affinities  means  rather  a  lot, 
doesn't  it?  " 

"  I  don't  know  what  it  means,  but  I  think 
she  might  have  admitted  it — in  confidence. 
We  were  having  a  very  intimate  talk — at 
least,  I  was." 

' '  Seems  to  me  she  admitted  a  good  deal. ' ' 

"  I  wish  I  could  make  you  understand. 
She  talked  about  his  emotions.  He  might 
have  been  a  frog. ' ' 

"A  frog  is  a  cold-blooded  animal,"  re- 
sponded my  husband,  "  and  has  none." 

"  Verona  is  a  cold-blooded  animal,"  I 
said,  quite  with  temper. 

"  Rubbish!  "  said  Kaye;  "  she  doesn't 
want  to  confide  in  a  Britisher,  that's  all." 

"  Why  not,  indeed!  "  I  inquired,  indig- 
nantly. "  Look  at  Val  Ingham!  " 

"  Bah!    He  would  confide  in  anything." 

"  Thank  you,"  I  said;  "  I  wish  he  had 
225 


Those  Delightful   Americans 

selected  something  else  then.     It  makes  one 
feel  so  involved,  somehow." 

' '  If  you  will  advise  him, ' '  said  Kaye,  re- 
moving his  pipe  in  a  way  that  gave  weight 
to  his  utterance,  "  you  assume  a  certain 
amount  of  responsibility,  of  course." 

' '  What  is  one  to  do  ?  He  consults  one  at 
every  point.  He  is  so  anxious,  poor  boy,  to 
conform  to  the  English  system  in  every  re- 
spect— to  do  nothing  wrong." 

"  I  don't  pretend  to  understand  him," 
said  Kaye,  briefly;  "  but  according  to  you 
his  English  system  doesn't  seem  to  be  ex- 
actly a  success." 

"It  is  so  far  as  he  is  concerned.  He 
enjoys  it  awfully." 

"  And  so  do  you,  I  imagine." 

"It's  a  little  like  amateur  theatricals," 
I  mused;  "  he  has  a  part  he  likes,  and  he 
does  it  beautifully.  I!  Oh,  I'm  only  the 
prompter. ' ' 

"  To  my  mind,"  said  Kaye,  "it's  rather 
like  enjoying  your  honeymoon  by  yourself. 
The  girl  doesn't  seem  to  be  in  it." 

"  Oh,  I  think  she  must  see.  She's  very 
quick. ' ' 

"  See  what!  " 

* '  What  it  all  means — the  dignity  and  the 
difference  of  it." 

226 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  I  think  she  must  see  that  he's  a  con- 
founded young  ass — and  that's  probably 
what  she  does  see.  I've  no  patience  with 
him." 

"  You've  just  said  that  you  didn't  under- 
stand him,  dear,  and  I  daresay  you  don't. 
It's  an  idyll — a  perfect  idyll.  Mr.  Ingham 
is  a  flower  of  chivalry  come  up  very  late  in 
Seventy-Something  Street.  But  I  think  he 
does  carry  it  rather  far,  myself." 

"As  how?  "  asked  Kaye,  laconically. 

"  Well,  he  behaves,  don't  you  know,  rath- 
er as  if  she  were  shut  up  in  a  moated  castle, 
and  he  had  to  sigh  down  below  outside  some- 
where. If  she  speaks  to  him  you  would  think 
she  waved  a  handkerchief  from  a  tower.  He 
creates  invisible  barriers  and  absurd  dis- 
tances; when  he  looks  at  her  you  can  see 
them  in  his  eyes.  And  she's  of  age  and  her 
parents  are  dead,  and  the  Adamses  would 
simply  love  it,  and  there  isn't  a  blessed  thing 
to  prevent  their  being  engaged  to-morrow. 
Did  you  ever  hear  of  anything  so  ridic- 
ulous? " 

My  husband  had  been  growing  more  and 
more  curt  in  his  replies,  and  to  that  he 
merely  offered  a  grunt. 

"  He  carries  off  her  gloves  and  handker- 
chiefs and  things  till  she's  quite  annoyed 
227 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

about  it — she  says  she  hasn't  two  pairs  that 
match.  The  other  day  he  asked  her  for  a 
flower  from  a  bunch  she  had,  and  she  said, 
'  Oh,  you  can  have  them  all  if  you  like.  Cut 
flowers  are  for  the  city.  In  the  country  I 
like  them  much  better  growing. '  I  must  say 
she  seems  very  detached." 

"  So  does  any  sensible  person  like  them 
better  growing. ' ' 

"  Verona  isn't  sensible — she's  artistic," 
I  replied ;  * '  and  she  didn  't  say  it  in  the  least 
because  she  meant  it." 

"  Oh,  if  it's  a  case  of  finding  out  what  a 
girl  means,"  Kaye  remarked,  "I'm  sorry 
for  the  chap.  Though  I  don't  remember 
much  ambiguity  about  you,"  he  conceded. 

"  I  never  had  a  chance,"  I  sad,  regret- 
fully. "  You  know  very  well,  Kaye,  you 
simply — 

' '  I  hadn  't  any  time  to  spare,  old  woman. 
I  was  due  in  Bowbriggie,  you  know,  for  the 
twelfth." 

For  some  reason  I  felt  a  little  huffed  with 
Kaye,  and  I  removed  my  hand  from  the  one 
not  engaged  with  his  pipe.  Perhaps  I  have 
not  mentioned  that  I  was  sitting  on  the  arm 
of  his  chair.  I  found  one  for  myself. 

"  Where  Ve  you  gone  to?  "he  asked,  dis- 
contentedly. 

228 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  It's  more  comfortable  here,"  I  said; 
which  it  wasn't.  A  man  never  can  see  that 
he  deserves  anything.  Husbands  certainly 
cannot,  and  this  makes  it  unsatisfactory  to 
discipline  them  sometimes.  I  had  to  go  back 
to  the  arm  of  the  chair  without  any  proper 
explanation  of  why  I  had  left  it.  This,  I  am 
sure,  is  the  kind  of  incident  that  gives  a 
whole  sex  the  reputation  of  being  whimsical 
and  unreasonable. 

"  The  fact  is,"  I  continued,  "  Val  Ing- 
ham  doesn't  find  enough  difference  between 
our  modern  English  way  of  making  love  and 
the  American  one  to  satisfy  his  imagination. 
There  isn't  so  much,  you  know,  when  you 
come  to  think  of  it.  Dear  knows  I  have  had 
to  think  of  it,  hard  enough.  Val  is  always 
bothering  me  for  what  he  calls  *  pointers.' 
It  would  have  been  much  easier,"  I  went 
on,  dispiritedly,  ''if  he  had  been  doing  it 
a  century  ago.  But  what  girl  of  to-day 
would  enjoy  being  serenaded,  even  in  Eng- 
land? She  would  be  so  horribly  laughed 
at.  And  I  can't  think  what  Verona  would 
say." 

My  husband  laughed  immoderately. 
"  Does  Ingham  want  to  serenade  her?  "  he 
asked. 

"  He  suggested  it.  He  plays  the  mando- 
229 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

lin,  and  has  rather  a  pretty  voice.  But  I 
discouraged  it. ' ' 

"  Just  as  well,  I  fancy." 

"  It's  all  very  well  to  laugh,  and  I  dare 
say  it  sounds  silly  enough  the  way  I  repeat 
it,  but  if  the  poor  boy  confided  in  you,  Kaye 
Kemball,  you  would  sympathize.  He  is  full 
of  the  most  charming  ideas,  the  most  beauti- 
ful similes,  and  his  whole  attitude  towards 
women  and — and  marriage  is  one  that  I  ad- 
mire very  much.  And  when  I  see  things  not 
going  as  well  as  they  ought  to  go,  I  can't 
help  feeling  rather  miserable  about  it." 

"  Oh,  well,  you  can't  do  anything,"  said 
Kaye. 

"  I've  done  such  a  lot  already,"  I  con- 
fessed. "  When  I  couldn't  think  of  pointers 
for  him  I  just  imagined  them." 

"  That  was  foolish,"  advised  my  hus- 
band; "  I  wouldn't  imagine  any  more  if  I 
were  you.  I  haven't  got  to  that  point  yet 
with  Bobs.  He  does  all  the  imagining,  and 
I  do  the  reining  in.  But  things  don't  look 
any  too  bright  in  his  direction  either." 

"  I  do  hope  you  haven't  been  putting 
your  foot  in  it  in  that  affair,"  I  said,  with 
anxiety.  "  The  almonds  and  raisins — I 
mean  the  other  grocery  things — were  bad 
enough;  don't  say  you've  done  anything 
230 


Those  Delightful   Americans 

else!  Why  don't  you  send  him  to  me?  I 
have  more  reason,  really,  to  be  interested  in 
that  match  than  the  other." 

"  You  don't  shoot,"  said  Kaye,  solemnly, 
"  so  you  can't  be  as  keen  on  it  as  I  am.  And 
a  man  is  much  more  competent  to  advise  an- 
other man  in  matters  of  that  sort.  Though 
I  must  say  I'm  thankful  young  Ingham 
didn't  come  slobbering  to  we." 

"That  reminds  me,"  I  said.  "You 
managed  to  let  two  grains  of  rice  from  the 
mulligatawny  stick  to  your  moustache  last 
night,  and  they  remained  there  during  the 
whole  of  dinner.  Things  like  that  don 't  hap- 
pen to  an  American  moustache." 

"  No,"  replied  Kaye,  with  fine  scorn. 
"  They  carry  pocket-combs  and  looking- 
glasses  over  here.  I  saw  a  chap  using  one 
in  a  tram  the  other  day.  He  made  himself 
quite  lovely.  Shall  I  get — 

"  That  will  do,  Kaye,"  I  said,  firmly. 
"  You  must  have  found  out  by  now  that 
there  are  just  as  many  lower  classes  in 
America  as  there  are  with  us.  Since  you 
have  taken  the  responsibility  of  advising 
Bobs — very  lightly,  it  seems  to  me — well,  I 
think  you're  rather  a  beast,  you  know,  not 
to  tell  me." 

"I'll  tell  you  all  right,"  said  my  hus- 
231 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

band,  "if  you  give  me  a  chance."  I  was 
silent.  It  seemed  the  only  way  to  get  any- 
thing out  of  him. 

"  As  a  rule  I  pull  Bobs  in.  He  wanted 
to  ask  her  to  go  berrying  with  him  the  other 
day — raspberrying — and  I  put  my  foot  down 
on  that." 

"  Innocent  enough." 

"  She  wouldn't  have  gone.  She  won't  do 
any  single  blooming  American  thing.  But  I 
have  given  him  an  idea." 

"  Yes." 

"  A  tandem  bicycle,"  said  Kaye,  with 
modest  pride.  "  I  saw  an  advertisement  of 
one  with  some  jolly  improvements  in  a  New 
York  paper  lately.  If  that  machine  doesn't 
give  him  opportunity  nothing  will." 

I  had  no  confidence  in  the  idea  whatever 
— I  never  have  in  mechanics — but  I  was  far 
from  desiring  to  throw  cold  water  on  any- 
thing calculated  to  bring  Bobs  to  the  point. 

' '  You  must  have  been  awfully  taken  with 
the  improvements,"  was  my  only  comment. 


CHAPTER   XIX 

FRANCES  wrote  regularly,  and  usually  ex- 
pressed disappointment  with  candour.  She 
said  neither  of  us  seemed  to  have  our  eyes 
about  us,  and  what  we  did  see  was  trans- 
ferred through  a  medium  of  the  purest  preju- 
dice. So  far  as  discernment  and  deduction 
went,  she  said,  she  might  as  well  have  sent  her 
two  cats.  Had  we  yet  heard  anything,  she 
asked,  with  scarcely  concealed  sarcasm,  of  the 
advancing  struggle  between  American  labour 
and  American  capital1?  Might  anyone  have 
mentioned  a  political  institution  known  as 
"  Tammany  "?  Had  any  hint  come  our 
way  of  the  intentions  of  the  United  States 
towards  the  Monroe  doctrine"?  The  Ad- 
amses, she  remarked,  were  doubtless  very 
pleasant  and  the  Hams  very  hospitable  peo- 
ple, but  either  of  them  might  be  met  any  day 
in  the  middle  shires — how  little  she  knew! — 
and  did  not  appear,  in  any  case,  to  be  per- 
sons of  sufficient  importance  to  take  up  our 
whole  attention.  Could  we  not  manage  to 
make  the  acquaintance  of  a  member  of.  the 
233 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

Congress?  So  far  we  had  reported  upon 
nothing  worth  a  serious  thought.  Prison 
regulations,  ward  politics,  poor  laws — and 
we  knew  how  particularly  she  wanted  in- 
formation on  that  head,  being  herself  a  guar- 
dian— no  reasonable  matter  for  inquiry 
seemed  to  have  suggested  itself  to  us.  We 
had  not  even  made  it  our  business  to  meet 
Norah's  sister,  in  whom  for  some  reason,  I 
imagine,  Frances  expected  us  to  find  an 
epitome  of  the  virtues  if  not  the  charms  of 
a  democracy. 

This  was  not  all  in  one  letter  or  even  in 
two,  but  it  was  conveyed  in  terms  no  milder, 
and  there  was,  all  told,  a  great  deal  more  of 
it  than  that.  It  was  a  little  unreasonable  of 
Frances;  we  had  not  gone  abroad,  after  all, 
as  her  special  correspondents,  and  I  think  it 
was  very  nice  of  me  to  go  on  writing  to  her 
after  she  had  said,  intending  it  to  be  insult- 
ing, that  my  letters  were  almost  good  enough 
to  appear  in  a  ladies'  paper.  (I  suppose  I 
was  not  deeply  offended ;  as  a  matter  of  fact, 
I  should  have  been  rather  pleased  to  see 
them  there,  especially  with  pretty  illustra- 
tions. And  I  knew  Frances.)  But  I  couldn't 
help  thinking — biting  my  pen  to  inspire  it 
with  the  things  she  wanted  to  know — how 
licensed  Miss  Walden's  demand  was,  on  be- 
234 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

half  of  the  stay-at-home  members  of  an  Eng- 
lish family,  that  the  gone-abroad  member 
should  make  the  most  of  his  opportunities 
and  add  to  the  store  of  knowledge  in  the 
home  hive  with  long  important  letters,  fit  to 
be  read  aloud  and  passed  round  the  circle 
of  relations  and  tied  up  and  put  away.  I  am 
aware  that  such  people  communicate  nowa- 
days by  post-card  and  telegram,  but  Frances, 
for  all  her  modern  notions,  is  a  survival  in 
lots  of  ways.  I  sometimes  think  that  maiden 
ladies  are  the  best  repositories  of  British 
tradition.  She  has  her  own  packets  of  old 
letters,  written  by  members  of  the  family 
who  had  their  eyes  about  them  and  an  ac- 
quaintance with  elegant  diction ;  among  them 
a  bundle  of  very  yellow  ones  from  a  grand- 
uncle  chronicling  the  scenes  and  inci- 
dents of  the  Peninsular  campaign.  When  I 
thought  of  these  cramped  pages  and  looked 
at  my  own  dashes  and  exclamation  points  I 
did  feel  that  my  use  of  this  serious  instru- 
ment, the  pen,  was  flippant  and  irresponsible. 
Frances  was  quite  within  her  rights  in  com- 
plaining; the  Peninsular  grand-uncle,  in  my 
situation,  would  have  filled  it  much  more  to 
her  satisfaction,  though  I  daresay  he,  too, 
would  have  found  himself  kept  up  to  the 
mark.  It  is  also  true  that  America,  as  a 
235 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

subject,  is  certainly  much  more  worthy  of 
her  grand-uncle  than  of  me.  But  he  is  in 
his  grave  and  I  am  on  the  spot,  and  that, 
after  all,  makes  all  the  difference.  Under 
a  sense  of  my  deficiencies,  I  wrote  and  rec- 
ommended Bryce  's  American  Commonwealth 
to  her  as  an  addition  to  our  letters,  which 
I  remembered  somebody  had  strongly  ad- 
vised me  to  get;  and  it  was  just  my  luck, 
as  Kaye  would  say,  to  find  it  afterwards  in  a 
parcel  lent  to  us  to  read  on  the  voyage,  with 
strict  injunctions  about  keeping  on  the  paper 
covers,  by  our  affectionate  cousin  Frances. 
Step  beyond  the  bounds  of  your  own  interest 
and  intelligence,  and  that  is  what  happens — 
you  are  always  caught.  That  is  the  reason 
of  my  discretion,  in  this  account  of  our  visit 
to  the  States,  with  regard  to  the  political  and 
economic  problems  to  be  observed  there.  I 
could  have  told  Frances  as  much,  but  it 
would  have  made  no  difference.  She  merely 
thinks  that  if  you  are  not  as  clever  about 
such  things  as  she  is  you  ought  to  make  it 
your  business  to  be. 

They  were  all  interested  enough,  how- 
ever, even  Frances,  in  our  news  about  Bobs' 
matrimonial  intentions.  Nothing  excites  an 
English  family  like  the  prospect  of  an  addi- 
tional member  by  marriage.  It  is  no  doubt 
236 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

something  surviving  from  the  time  when  the 
heads  of  families  had  everything  to  do  with 
the  matter;  having  produced  children,  they 
thought  themselves  entitled  to  dispose  of 
them  as  best  suited  the  general  good.  There 
is  still  a  tremendous  nutter,  a  great  exchange 
of  letters  and  opinions  by  the  early  post,  an 
exhaustive  demand  for  information.  People 
are  not,  I  noticed,  so  difficult  to  please  in 
America.  There  never  has  been  anything 
feudal  in  the  relations  of  American  young 
people  to  their  elders — they  begin  early  to 
breathe,  on  the  contrary,  the  equal  privilege 
of  the  republic.  No  doubt  there  is  some  pa- 
rental enquiry ;  but  a  certain  calm  acceptance 
is  the  usual  thing.  I  did  once  hear  great  an- 
noyance expressed  because  the  young  lady 
was  a  Unitarian,  but  it  wasn't  allowed  to  in- 
terfere. As  to  uncles  and  aunts  and  cousins 
they  are  quite  philosophic,  they  do  not  con- 
cern themselves  at  all.  It  must  be  because 
the  yoke  of  family  connection  sits  more 
lightly  there  than  in  England;  the  fact  that 
a  person  who  happens  to  be  your  second 
cousin  married  another  person  is  no  reason 
why  you  should  call  upon  her,  especially  if 
you  belong  to  different  denominations.  You 
take  no  responsibility  and  she  makes  no 
claim ;  it  must  be  less  cramping,  certainly. 
16  23Y 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

Frances  is  Bobs'  nearest  living  female  re- 
lation. She  is  only  second  cousin  to  Kaye 
really,  but  she  is  Bobs'  aunt,  by  a  family 
complication  which  I  am  sure  anybody  would 
prefer  to  take  for  granted.  Frances  has  all 
the  money  there  is  practically,  and  Bobs  will 
be  her  heir.  This  has  always  given  her 
the  liveliest  interest  in  him,  though  it  isn't 
enough,  and  never  has  been,  to  make  him  pay 
very  much  attention  to  her  ideas.  I  suppose 
he  knows  very  well  that  if  you  are  a  Miss 
Walden  and  your  nephew  is  a  lord  of  the  same 
name,  you  are  not  likely  to  leave  whatever 
you  have  in  Consols  to  anybody  else.  I  have 
wondered  sometimes  whether  if  Bobs  were 
a  baron  and  had  a  seat  in  the  Lords '  an  issue 
would  arise  between  them,  for  the  abolition 
of  that  body  is  one  of  Frances'  strongest 
points,  but  fortunately  he  is  not.  As  things 
are  he  is  inclined  to  agree  with  her.  Speak- 
ing probably  with  the  warmth  of  a  narrow 
escape,  he  says  he  considers  hereditary  leg- 
islating a  fag.  Frances  is  none  the  better 
pleased  with  him  for  this  opinion.  It  is 
really  very  difficult  to  please  Frances — you 
never  can  be  sure  that  she  won't  sniff  quite 
as  much  at  your  agreement  as  at  your  differ- 
ence. Her  great  complaint  of  poor  Bobs  is 
that  he  has  no  particular  opinions;  he  man- 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

ages  to  enjoy  life  without  them.  She  says 
that  a  person  who  can't  argue  is  like  a  person 
who  can't  chew,  he  swallows  the  facts  of  life 
unprepared  for  digestion.  She  scorns  to 
shrink  from  putting  a  thing  unpleasantly, 
does  Frances,  if  she  thinks  she  can  make  you 
understand  better  that  way;  and  it  must  be 
said  for  her  that  she  always  does  make  you 
understand. 

It  will  be  plain  that  Kaye  and  I  looked 
with  much  interest  for  Miss  Walden's  com- 
ment on  our  news.  We  could  not  in  the  least 
guess  how  she  would  take  it,  for  it  is  one 
thing  to  proclaim  your  admiration  for  the 
institutions  of  a  country  and  quite  another 
to  take  the  product  of  those  institutions  to 
your  bosom,  especially  in  female  form.  Not 
that  it  was  easy  to  imagine  Violet  in  Fran- 
ces's bosom.  I  tried  to  conjure  it  up,  but 
one  could  not  see  it  somehow.  Her  letter, 
however,  proved  her  consistent  beyond  any 
of  our  speculations.  Her  congratulations 
were  all  for  Bobs,  her  sympathies  all  for  the 
unknown  Miss  Ham.  "  The  confounding 
weakness,"  she  wrote,  "  in  the  members  of 
a  democracy  is  that  they  have  ever  a  covetous 
eye  upon  the  baubles  with  which  we  console 
ourselves  for  a  social  theory  so  much  infe- 
rior. Bobs'  title  is,  of  course,  the  toy  these 
239 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

Hams  seem  willing  to  buy  so  expensively, 
and  very  bored  with  it  the  intelligent  young 
lady  you  describe  is  likely  soon  to  be.  How- 
ever, that  is  her  business,  not  ours,  and  I 
am  as  thankful  as  you  are  that  Bobs  is  going 
to  get  a  wife  who  may  possibly  make  some- 
thing of  him,  and  of  the  position,  and  of  the 
old  place.  But  there  is  one  thing  that  un- 
mistakably is  our  business,  and  that  is  to  see 
that  these  Hams  are  fully  aware  of  the  na- 
ture of  their  bargain — that  Cliffenden  is 
mortgaged  up  to  the  eaves,  and  if  it  had  not 
come  to  Bobs  through  his  mother  the  earl 
would  have  sold  it  long  ago.  They  ought  to 
be  exhaustively  informed  about  my  precious 
brother,  and  why  he  prefers  to  live  abroad, 
also  the  delightful  connection  they  will  be 
making  in  my  eldest  nephew,  Lord  Compton, 
who  has  gone  through  his  wife's  fortune  in 
precisely  three  years  and  a  half,  and  has 
known  for  a  long  time  that  he  will  never  see  a 
penny  of  mine.  Bobs  himself  has  absolutely 
no  notion  of  the  value  of  money,  and  it  should 
be  mentioned  that,  as  you  know,  he  has  twice 
been  got  out  of  Goldstein's  hands  by  a  rela- 
tion— my  name  need  not  appear.  Heaven  only 
knows  how  far  he  is  dipped  at  this  moment. 
The  last  time  I  thought  very  seriously  of 
making  other  arrangements  for  the  future." 
240 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  Kubbish,"  said  Kaye — I  was  reading 
the  letter  aloud.  "  She  is  devoted  to  Bobs, 
and  never  dreamed  of  such  a  thing. ' ' 

' '  But  after  the  way  he  behaved  at  Dargai 
I  can't,  of  course,  do  anything  of  that  kind. 
He  is  the  first  Walden  to  make  his  country 
recognise  his  name,  and  he  won't  bear  it  al- 
ways in  poverty  if  £2,500  a  year  some  day 
will  keep  him  out  of  it.  But  that  isn  't  much, 
and  I  have  every  intention  of  living,  at  least 
as  long  as  I  can  bicycle.  Americans  are  a 
large-minded  nation,  and  these  Hams  strike 
me  as  not  at  all  the  people  to  ask  small-mind- 
ed questions.  Bobs  will  tell  the  truth,  of 
course,  if  he  is  asked,  but  he's  not  likely  to 
make  any  revelation  that  isn't  required  of 
him.  Now  I  am  more  or  less  sponsor  for 
Bobs — I've  practically  looked  after  him  since 
he  was  five — and  I  am  particularly  anxious 
that  if  he  brings  an  American  millionairess 
into  this  family,  he  shall  bring  her  with  her 
eyes  wide  open." 

"  I  don't  think  Frances  need  distress 
herself,"  said  Kaye;  "what  Miss  Violet 
doesn't  see  isn't  worth  showing  her." 

"  I  quite  agree  with  you,  but,  my  good- 
ness, Kaye,  listen  to  this:  '  To  write  these 
particulars  to  Mr.  Jacob  Ham  would,  I  think, 
be  laying  too  much  stress  upon  them,  and 
241 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

would  also  be  naturally  resented  by  Bobs  ' — 
I  should  think  so  indeed — '  but  you  who  are 
on  the  spot  have  every  opportunity  of  con- 
veying them  by  word  of  mouth  with  just  the 
amount  of  emphasis  they  require  and  no 
more.  Will  you  undertake  to  do  this? 
Please  let  me  know — I  shall  be  very  glad  if 
I  can  depend  upon  you.'  " 

11  We  could  not  possibly,"  I  exclaimed. 

"  Rather  not." 

"As  if  we — I  mean  you — were  not  too 
much  involved  as  it  is, "  I  cried. 

"  It's  absolutely  no  business  of  ours," 
said  my  husband,  with  decision;  "  nor  of 
Frances  either,  for  the  matter  of  that.  In- 
terfering old  busybody!  Bobs  is  a  good 
enough  chap ;  in  my  opinion  the  girl  is  doing 
very  well  for  herself.  The  old  man  can  tie 
up  the  money  any  way  he  likes,  I  suppose." 

"  Well,"  I  said,  as  this  was  accompanied 
by  a  distinctly  abusive  glance,  "  I  didn't  pro- 
pose it,  please." 

"  You  may  tell  her  that  I  wouldn't  do  it 
for  a  thousand  pounds,  or  let  you  either." 

"  If  I  do  that,"  I  said,  "  she  will  cer- 
tainly write  to  Mr.  Ham,  and  he  will  imagine 
it's  a  great  deal  worse  than  it  is." 

"  That's  true,"  said  Kaye;  "  she  is  per- 
fectly capable  of  it." 

242 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  I  won't  write  at  all,"  I  said,  with  an 
inspiration,  "  till  the  engagement  is  an- 
nounced. It  can't  be  long  now." 

Kaye  looked  dubious,  but  nodded.  * '  That 
would  be  safest,  certainly,"  he  said.  "  You 
can  send  her  messages  in  your  letters  to 
mother,  and  always  say  you  are  writing  by 
the  next  mail." 

I  assented  to  this ;  my  husband  put  on  his 
cap  for  the  river,  and  reached  the  door. 

"  Wait  a  minute,"  I  said.  "  You  haven't 
heard  all  Frances'  news — where  was  If  Oh — 
'  Old  Tilly  Andrews  in  the  village  has  had  an- 
other severe  attack  of  lumbago.  Mr.  Ffrench 
tells  me  he  yesterday  married  Jenny,  the  eld- 
est grand-daughter,  and  Peter  Gaff,  the  Field- 
ings'  under-gardener,  and  there  are  grounds 
for  congratulation  that  it  was  not  to-day.' 
Oh,  Kaye,  that  nice,  tidy  Jenny  Andrews! 
And  it's  old  Tilly's  fourth  attack  since  Christ- 
mas. I  wonder  if  she  is  as  obstinate  as  ever 
about  her  medicine.  Your  mother  had  al- 
ways to  give  it  to  her  in  Bovril.  How  far, 
here  in  America,  we  seem  from  the  village ! " 

"  A  deuced  long  way,"  replied  Kaye. 
"  Tilly  Andrews  doesn't  seem  of  much  con- 
sequence over  here." 

"  Ah,  well,"  I  said,  "  she  will  assert  her- 
self, never  fear,  as  soon  as  we  get  back." 
243 


CHAPTER   XX 

MY  own  idea  was  that  Verona  and  Val 
Ingham  were  to  go  with  me  into  New  York 
when  that  first  cool  day  came  at  last,  on 
which  I  had  been  promised  a  shopping  expe- 
dition. It  had  been  proposed  and  arranged 
that  way,  and  I  had  been  looking  forward 
immensely  to  having  these  two  on  my  hands, 
as  it  were,  for  the  whole  day,  enjoying  the 
little  drama  of  their  behaviour  to  one  an- 
other and  giving  Mr.  Ingham  such  discreet 
opportunities  as  he  would  appreciate  if  I  had 
any  reason  to  suppose  that  he  had  at  last 
made  up  his  mind  to  declare  himself.  I  was 
rather  disconcerted  and  not  particularly 
pleased  to  find  Violet  waiting  for  me,  but- 
toning her  gloves  in  the  hall  after  breakfast ; 
Verona,  she  said,  had  a  headache,  and  would 
she  do  instead?  She  was  looking  particu- 
larly lovely,  in  some  thin  blue  thing  with 
white  flowers  and  black  lines  on  it;  nobody 
could  complain  of  her  as  a  substitute,  and  I 
saw  that  even  poor  Val's  disappointment 
was  tempered  with  admiration  as  he  regard- 
244 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

ed  her  from  the  drawing-room  door.  He 
looked  so  little  surprised  at  the  change  that 
it  flashed  upon  me  he  expected  it.  As  Violet 
got  into  the  dog-cart  to  take  the  reins,  "  I 
hope,"  I  said  to  him,  "  this  doesn't  mean 
that  you  and  Verona  have  been  misunder- 
standing each  other  again." 

Val  Ingham  smiled.  There  was  patience, 
brooding  reminiscence,  and  faint  amusement 
in  his  smile.  "  I  know  nothing  half  so 
piquant  as  these  misunderstandings,"  he 
said.  "  They  really  help  you  to  know  a 
girl." 

"  Didn't  she  like  the  marked  Tennyson!  " 
I  asked,  anxiously. 

"  She  returned  it  to  me.  She  said  she 
couldn't  think  of  depriving  me  of  such  an 
old  friend.  I  would  have  done  better,  I  be- 
lieve, to  have  given  her  a  new  one — an  edi- 
tion de  luxe." 

1 '  Oh,  no !  "  I  cried.  ' '  Your  own  copy, 
that  you  had  always  carried  and  read  and 
been  fond  of — much  more  of  a  present  than 
a  new  thing  in  vellum  with  only  the  publish- 
er's associations  about  it!  " 

Val   Ingham    smiled   his    peculiar    smile 

again.     "I'm  afraid  Miss  Daly  missed  the 

precise  flavour  of  that,"  he   said,   and  we 

were  halfway  to  the  station  before  I  realized 

245 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

that  there  had  been  in  what  he  said  just  a 
perceptible  criticism  of  Verona's  taste. 

Before  long  I  began  to  see  that,  however 
unfortunate  it  might  be  for  the  interests  I 
had  so  much  at  heart,  personally  I  was  not 
likely  to  suffer  from  the  alteration  in  our 
party.  Verona,  especially  with  Val  Ingham, 
was  a  complex  creature ;  one  had  to  add  and 
subtract  with  her  and  carefully  consider 
what  she  was  likely  to  mean  by  all  she  left 
unsaid.  It  was  interesting,  but  it  was  a  spe- 
cies of  enjoyment  by  itself;  one  rather  want- 
ed a  free  mind  for  it  and  an  unimpeded  occa- 
sion, whereas  we  were  about  to  spend  the 
day  among  the  great  distractions  of  the  city 
of  New  York.  It  was  almost  a  relief,  after 
the  tax  Verona  made  upon  the  imagination, 
to  chaperon  a  young  lady  in  the  society  of 
Mr.  Ingham  about  whose  relations  with  him 
one  had  not  to  think  twice.  Violet  was  sim- 
ple enough  with  everybody — her  cleverness 
was  quite  upon  the  surface  and  not  concealed 
somewhere  behind  her  glance  like  Verona's 
— and  particularly  so  with  Val  Ingham.  Her 
clear  blue  eyes  rested  upon  his,  when  she 
spoke  to  him,  with  the  most  charming  direct- 
ness; they  seemed  almost  to  say  sometimes, 
"  How  delightful  that  there  is  nothing  be- 
tween us !  "  It  was  difficult  to  read  the  re- 
246 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

sponse  in  Val's,  they  seemed  to  guard  re- 
serve, a  neutrality  of  opinion,  but  that  was  all 
a  part,  of  course,  of  his  enigmatic  attitude 
towards  women;  it  would  have  been  absurd 
to  pay  any  attention  to  it.  The  plain  good 
fellowship  between  them,  especially  on  Vio- 
let's part,  gave  me  a  comfortable  sense  that 
here  there  was  nothing  to  understand,  noth- 
ing that  I  need  bother  my  head  about.  I 
might  look  out  of  the  windows  freely  and 
miss  no  greater  entertainment.  It  was  odd, 
nevertheless,  to  notice  how  Val  Ingham  let 
Violet  take  the  initiative  in  all  that  was  said, 
he  who  so  constantly  led  the  way,  capering 
to  the  music  of  his  pipe,  with  Verona.  Vio- 
let quite  commanded  him,  and  that  explained 
itself. 

"  We  were  at  school  together,  you  know," 
she  said  to  me,  as  the  train  rushed  along; 
"  and  tremendous  sweethearts  in  those  days, 
weren't  we,  Val?  " 

"  At  the  age  of  twelve,"  said  Val  to  me, 
"  I  wrote  her  sonnets.  At  least,  I  thought 
they  were  sonnets. ' ' 

"  They  were  as  much  sonnets  as  any- 
thing," declared  Violet,  "  and  I  kept  them 
until  I  got  into  the  Sixth  Reader.  Then  I 
allowed  myself  to  be  persuaded  that  they 
wouldn't  scan.  It  was  Verona,"  she  went 
247 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

on,  with  a  little  smile,  "  who  persuaded  me. 
Now  that  was  odd." 

*  *  It  was  odd !  "  I  exclaimed ;  but  Val  only 
pulled  his  moustache  and  looked  at  Violet  in 
the  way  a  man  does  when  he  has  been  fright- 
fully scored  off,  and  doesn't  much  mind. 

"  But  at  twelve,"  continued  Violet,  "  he 
was  useful  as  well  as  sentimental.  He  al- 
ways carried  my  school-bag  home  for  me, 
and  once  he  kept  off  a  large  bounding  black 
dog." 

"  Fancy  your  remembering!  "  exclaimed 
Val  Ingham;  and  then  to  me,  in  a  stage 
aside:  "  I  adored  her." 

It  was  charming  to  a  degree,  this  gay 
rallying,  unhampered  by  a  particle  of  self- 
consciousness,  and  I  reflected,  as  the  train 
drew  into  the  station,  how  admirable  was  the 
American  plan  of  educating  boys  and  girls 
together  that  produced  it.  Here  were  two 
people  of  opposite  sexes  just  at  the  age  usu- 
ally most  full  of  silly  embarrassments,  able 
to  look  back  upon  a  childish  love  affair  with 
a  mutual  tender  ridicule,  which  had  nothing 
in  the  world  in  it  for  either  of  them  but  a 
piquant  picture,  a  pretty  jest.  I  resolved  at 
the  time  to  ask  Violet  for  more  particulars 
about  the  system  upon  which  her  early  edu- 
cation and  Val's  had  been  conducted,  but  if 
248 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

I  did  I  find  that  they  have  escaped  me.  How- 
ever, the  result  is  the  important  thing,  and  I 
can  testify  to  that. 

We  got  almost  immediately  into  an  Ele- 
vated Railway  train.  I  was  to  have  my  way 
about  all  we  did,  and  I  chose  that  method  of 
getting  to  the  shopping  quarter  because  it 
seemed  the  quietest.  The  word  quiet  in  New 
York,  of  course,  is  relative ;  in  many  districts 
it  could  hardly,  as  a  matter  of  fact,  make  it- 
self heard.  The  Elevated  Railway  is  not 
even  comparatively  quiet — one  doubts  if  any 
successful  American  enterprise  could  be — but 
it  is  at  least  possible  in  using  it  to  think; 
one's  mind  is  not  continually  distracted  with 
horrid  apprehensions  of  crashing  into  horses 
and  over  people.  And  it  is  always  freshly 
quaint  to  watch  the  turmoil  of  the  plane  of 
New  York,  with  those  demon  trams  career- 
ing through  it,  from  a  point  detached  and 
superior.  I  was  glad  to  be  back  in  the  city 
again,  thrilled  and  excited  at  getting  another 
glimpse  of  the  greatest  variety  entertain- 
ment that  goes  on,  I  think,  in  the  street  of 
the  world.  Bellevue  was  a  luxurious  inter- 
lude, with  the  gay  little  incidents  of  every 
day  painted  into  the  widest  canvas  of  blue 
sky  and  river,  green  forest  and  lawn;  but 
this  was  the  crowded,  vivid,  provocative  life 
249 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

that  seemed  so  to  stir  one 's  nerves  and  infect 
one's  veins.  Again  it  seemed  that  the  peo- 
ple who  dropped  in  and  out  of  the  cane- 
backed  seats  of  the  train  had  so  much  to  say 
to  each  other  and  to  me  that  our  not  being 
on  speaking  terms  was  a  simple  farce.  Such 
mobility  of  life  and  eye  they  had ;  such  initia- 
tive and  response  sat  in  their  faces.  I  looked 
at  Val  and  Violet  to  say  something  about  it, 
and  saw  that  they,  too,  just  sitting  there, 
were  stimulative  and  pictorial  in  their  own 
manner  and  degree.  One  cannot  expect  the 
characters  in  a  story  to  see  how  interesting 
it  is,  still  less  to  exclaim  upon  it,  so  I  said 
nothing. 

I  set  down  the  conductor  of  that  train  as 
the  type  I  should  remember  of  all  New 
York's  harried  public  officials.  He  was  pale, 
with  a  square  face  and  a  black  moustache 
under  the  company's  cap.  He  came  to  the 
door  of  the  train  every  two  or  three  minutes 
to  shout  to  us  the  name  of  the  approaching 
station,  and  he  was  too  tired  even  to  open 
the  whole  of  his  mouth  to  do  it.  He  used 
only  one  corner  and  as  little  of  that  as  pos- 
sible; the  marvel  was  that  the  stentorian 
sound  could  get  through  the  hole  he  made  to 
let  it  out.  He  was  the  weariest  seeming  hu- 
man being  I  ever  saw,  and  one  of  the  most 
250 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

alert;  he  looked  so  bored  and  sophisticated 
that  if  he  had  not  been  conducting  an  elevat- 
ed train  he  might  have  been  doing  the  same 
thing  for  an  Alhambra  orchestra.  He  was 
plainly  what  we  call  in  England  above  his 
work ;  I  wondered  much  to  what,  at  this  tem- 
porary cost  and  degradation,  he  meant  to 
attain.  He  had  certainly  no  look — these  peo- 
ple never  have  any  in  America — of  being 
thankful  for  his  job  and  meaning  to  stick  to 
it;  to  say  that  he  was  contemptuous  of  the 
travelling  public  is  not  to  express  it  at  all; 
he  regarded  them,  as  he  twisted  the  turnstile 
that  let  them  in  and  out,  as  so  much  moving 
matter.  His  expression  never  charged  itself 
with  a  spark  of  interest  as  his  glance  fell  on 
any  one  of  them.  He  was  blankly  imper- 
sonal, that  man — wonderfully  withdrawn; 
his  only  visible  relation  was  with  the  turn- 
stile. When  we  descended  the  steps  into  the 
street  the  first  thing  I  saw  reminded  me  that 
the  policemen  of  New  York  are  not  like  this. 
The  policemen  look  happy  and  satisfied  and 
good-natured.  They  might  be  continually 
reflecting  upon  how  much  better  paid  a  thing 
it  is  to  be  a  policeman  in  New  York  than  in 
Dublin,  for  example.  They  wear  on  their 
beat  nice  comfortable  dark  blue  pyjamas, 
with  brass  buttons,  but  these  have  not  at  all 
251 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

the  appearance  of  being  slept  in,  and  are,  no 
doubt,  changed  at  night.  They  are  most 
obliging ;  the  thing  I  noticed  was  a  kind  serv- 
ice. A  passer-by  had  lost  his  collar  button 
down  the  back  of  his  neck ;  a  policeman  fished 
it  out  and  fastened  it  in  for  him.  I  paused 
and  watched  the  operation  through — it  gave 
one  a  new  sense  of  the  brotherhood  of  man. 

We  went  straight  to  the  shop,  where  it 
was  a  bargain  day.  It  was  a  well-known 
shop,  and  I  noticed  that  Violet  and  Val  Ing- 
ham  mentioned  the  name  of  the  proprietor 
with  respect.  So  big  and  successful  a  shop, 
where  it  was  possible  to  offer  such  extraordi- 
nary bargains  and  yet  make  money,  seemed 
to  command  that  feeling  for  its  pioneer.  In 
England,  I  fear,  we  reserve  our  considera- 
tion until  he  has  stopped  selling  lace  edging 
at  threepence  three-farthings  a  packet  and 
bought  a  place  in  the  country  and  restored 
the  parish  church,  but  there  seems  to  be  no 
premium  of  that  kind  upon  retirement  from 
business  in  America.  You  may  go  on  adver- 
tising bargain  days  all  your  life  without  any 
loss  to  your  dignity,  and  as  there  is  no  coun- 
try to  retire  into,  and  none  of  the  parish 
churches  need  restoring,  people  naturally  do. 

Val  Ingham  and  Violet  said  that  here  I 
would  see  a  crowd,  and  Val  warned  me  seri- 
252 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

ously  against  certain  counters  where  he 
seemed  to  think  one  would  be  in  personal 
danger  from  American  ladies  anxious  to  get 
the  very  pick  of  the  bargains.  I  said  I  was 
sure  they  wouldn't  hurt  a  poor  foreigner, 
and  Violet  mentioned  that  an  unfortunate 
Frenchwoman  had  had  a  steel-pointed  para- 
sol poked  through  the  drum  of  her  ear  in 
this  very  store  the  week  before.  So  I  was  a 
little  careful ;  I  skirted  the  edge  of  the  thick- 
est crowds,  and  kept  my  eye  open  for  ladies 
who  looked  capable  of  using  a  parasol  in  that 
fashion.  I  was  not  ill-used  in  any  way;  in- 
deed, I  have  to  acknowledge  being  treated 
with  care.  I  was  standing  in  a  door  and  a 
little  woman  in  a  hurry  behind  me  took  firm 
hold  of  both  my  elbows  and  placed  me  out 
of  her  way.  She  was  quite  a  little  woman, 
in  brown,  with  jet  on  her  bonnet.  It  was 
much  better  than  knocking  one  down.  But 
if  all  Americans  take  such  a  summary  way 
with  the  obstacles  in  their  path,  one  doesn't 
wonder  that  they  get  on.  I  saw  nothing 
more  violent  than  this  happen  to  anybody, 
but  there  was  certainly  an  extraordinary 
urgency  among  the  crowd  of  ladies  who 
surged  about  the  departments  and  made  lit- 
tle dashes  from  one  counter  to  another  or 
rapid  expeditions  to  the  elevator.  The  very 
17  253 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

spirit  of  speed  seemed  to  be  generated  in  the 
feet  of  these  ladies,  to  mount  all  through 
them  and  come  out  again,  like  an  electric  cur- 
rent, in  their  quick  glances.  I  could  not  even 
think  fast  enough  to  compete;  two  or  three 
articles  which  I  am  almost  sure  I  would  have 
bought  in  the  end  were  snapped  up  while  I 
was  considering  them.  I  could  not  keep  up 
properly  even  with  Val  and  Violet,  though 
they  were  doing  their  best  to  lag  in  my  com- 
pany. I  had  no  way  of  drawing  on  my  nerve 
force  at  such  a  rate;  these  ladies  spent 
enough  upon  a  single  step  to  carry  me  down 
a  street. 

"  This  is  really  cheap,"  said  Violet. 
"  That  is  simply  dinky-dink,"  said  Val.  I 
do  not  know  which  surprised  me  most,  that 
a  daughter  of  millions  should  notice  the  re- 
markable value  in  an  oxydized  silver  button- 
hook marked  fifteen  cents,  or  that  an  athletic 
young  man  should  point  out  the  charm  of 
alternate  black  dots  and  lines  on  a  blouse. 

"  I  don't  much  care  for  puce,"  said  I. 

"  What's  puce?  "  asked  Violet;  "  some- 
thing Queen  Elizabeth  wore?  " 

"  I  should  call  it  heliotrope,"  remarked 
Mr.  Ingham ;  ' '  with  that  hint  of  gold  in  your 
hair  you  ought  to  wear  it  perfectly. ' ' 

"  It's  more  than  a  hint,"  declared  Violet. 
254 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  It's  like  the  most  precious  old  Japanese 
bronze,  gold  glinting  all  through  it.  And  I 
should  simply  love  to  see  you  in  puce,  or 
whatever  you  and  Robert  Herrick  call  it." 

Of  course,  I  bought  the  blouse,  but  what 
struck  me  about  the  incident  was  the  curious 
difference  between  Violet  and  Verona  in  the 
matter  of  Val  Ingham's  little  compliment  to 
me.  Val  was  very  pretty  with  them,  he 
nearly  always  had  one  ready,  if  the  occasion 
fitted;  and  though  everybody  knows  that 
such  phrases  to  a  married  woman  have  no 
more  significance  than  blown  rose  leaves  on 
a  breeze,  I  naturally  liked  him  none  the  worse 
for  it.  But  Verona,  if  she  happened  to  be 
with  us,  would  either  turn  her  head  away 
and  pretend  not  to  hear,  or  look  at  me  as 
much  as  to  say,  "  How  can  you  allow  him 
to  do  it  ?  "  I  thought  it  really  rather  stupid 
of  her.  Violet,  on  the  other  hand,  seemed 
perfectly  to  understand.  Verona,  as  Val 
Ingham  had  said  a  few  weeks  before,  may 
have  been  more  subtle  in  her  divinations,  but 
I  think  Violet  had  the  broader  intelligence. 


255 


CHAPTER   XXI 

I  OBTAINED  a  tremendous  number  of  bar- 
gains, going  from  one  teeming  shop  to  an- 
other. In  the  joy  of  acquiring  them  I  en- 
tirely forgot  the  few  things  I  really  wanted. 
Violet,  in  spite  of  her  appreciation  of  small 
prices,  bought  nothing ;  she  declared  that  she 
had  quite  as  much  as  she  wanted  to  do  to 
make  up  my  mind,  she  had  no  time  whatever 
for  her  own.  That,  I  imagine,  was  only  her 
kind  way  of  putting  it;  her  custom  of  pur- 
chase, I  am  sure,  lay  above  and  beyond  bar- 
gains. She  would  never  be  definite  about 
the  prices  of  her  things — they  were  probably 
fabulous — but  now  and  then  she  let  fall  a 
French  name  that  sounded  very  expensive, 
and  once  or  twice  in  my  most  excited  mo- 
ments I  caught  her  looking  bored.  Violet 
never  showed  it,  but  I  believe  rich  Americans 
have  a  kind  of  contempt  for  cheapness  that 
one  seldom  hears  in  England.  "  I  guess 
it  cost  you  as  much  as  thirteen  cents  at 
Wanamaker's!  "  said  Verona,  in  derision,  at 
a  plaid  necktie  Val  Ingham  had  on.  "  All 
256 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

on  this  counter  thirty-nine  cents !  ' '  remarked 
Val  Ingham,  of  a  pink  cotton  shirt  Kaye 
was  wearing.  "  Look  here,  old  man,  you 
shouldn't  go  spending  all  your  money  at  once 
that  way !  ' '  Once  afterwards  at  Burroughs 
I  jeered  Frances  about  an  imitation  tortoise- 
shell  comb.  "  Elevenpence  three  farthings, 
wasn't  it,  at  William  Whiteley's?  "  "No, 
indeed,"  said  she.  "'It  was  one  and  a  ha'- 
penny, and  if  you  knew  they  were  to  be  had 
at  Whiteley's  for  elevenpence  three  far- 
things I'd  have  thanked  you  to  mention  it 
sooner." 

It  must  come  of  great  sophistication,  this 
superiority  to  the  bargains  of  New  York, 
almost  incredible  to  the  stranger.  Many  of 
them  invented,  on  the  spot,  the  dainty  want 
they  supplied.  These  were  the  most  irresist- 
ible; it  was  so  charming  to  add  another  to 
the  long  list  of  requirements  with  which  we 
divert  our  longer  lives.  Every  one  of  them, 
even  the  most  shop-worn  and  turned-over, 
had  a  quality  which  one  must  call  distinction, 
though  it  is  too  big  a  word,  a  quality  of  its 
own  which  forbade  the  idea  that  somewhere 
put  away  in  boxes  there  were  hundreds  of 
dozens  like  it.  At  home  we  import  this  qual- 
ity from  Paris,  or  imagine  it  expensively  in 
the  designing-rooms  of  smart  establish- 
257 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

ments ;  over  there  it  is  translated  into  cheap- 
ness, and  is  within  reach  of  everybody.  In- 
deed, nobody  will  look  at  things  that  haven't 
got  it.  I  felt  in  the  shops  of  New  York  as 
if  I  had  bought  nothing  all  my  life  but  long- 
cloth  and  housemaids'  caps,  and  I  quite 
longed  to  have  Frances  with  me  to  educate 
her  taste  a  little.  As  Frances,  with  twenty- 
five  hundred  a  year  to  spend,  has  worn  noth- 
ing but  coats  and  skirts  in  the  daytime  within 
the  memory  of  man,  however,  I  daresay  it 
would  not  have  been  of  much  use.  The  coat 
and  skirt  has  become  stereotyped  into  a  prin- 
ciple with  Frances,  and  when  that  happens 
nobody  can  do  anything. 

I  know  I  did  dawdle  frightfully.  Kaye 
would  not  have  put  up  with  it  for  an  instant. 
One  could  admire  by  contrast  the  potential 
American  husband  in  Mr.  Valentine  Ingham, 
who  would  lean  a  patient  elbow  and  fix  a 
sympathetic  eye  upon  a  notion-counter  for 
ten  minutes  at  a  time.  Within  an  hour's 
drive  of  Burroughs  what  wives  I  could  have 
found  for  Val  Ingham!  But,  on  second 
thoughts,  none  of  them  would  have  under- 
stood him  like  Verona,  before  he  spoke,  or 
always  immediately  after,  and  I  couldn't 
think  of  a  single  Omarian  among  them — I 
daresay  none  of  them  would  have  answered. 
258 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

And  what  wives  he  had  at  the  length  of  a 
glance,  with  a  company  surged  about  him, 
trim  and  charming  creatures,  each  with  her 
vivid  purpose  in  her  eye,  hastening  grace- 
fully about  her  business,  and  taking,  I  am 
bound  to  say,  not  the  slightest  notice  of  him ! 
I  positively  pitied  the  youth  of  the  country 
for  his  bewilderment  in  throwing  the  hand- 
kerchief in  such  a  multitude.  And  they 
nearly  all  had  interesting  faces,  any  one  of 
them  might  have  been  an  Omarian.  Indeed, 
I  am  not  sure  that  some  of  the  young  women 
behind  the  counters  weren't,  they  did  their 
hair  so  beautifully  and  looked  so  full  of 
ideals.  It  was  the  way  they  did  their  hair 
that  constituted  their  chief  difference  from 
the  same  young  woman  of  Great  Britain. 
Such  persons  at  home  either  wear  it  in  un- 
tidy wisps  or  in  magnificent  frizzled  exag- 
gerations of  the  prevailing  fashion;  there  is 
no  mistaking  the  type.  But  I  am  not  sure 
that  I  should  know  a  shop  girl  of  New  York 
on  Sunday  or  Bank  Holiday  if  I  met  her 
strolling  in  Central  Park,  unless  she  were 
chewing  gum.  I  noticed  that  a  great  many 
of  them  did  that,  even  the  most  thoughtful. 
A  consuming  thirst  is  abroad  in  New 
York  which  never  troubles  one  in  town.  It 
may  be  the  excitement  or  it  may  be  the  cli- 
259 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

mate.  When  I  complained  of  it  Mr.  Valen- 
tine Ingham  at  once  took  us,  of  all  places  in 
the  world,  to  the  nearest  chemist's  shop. 
When  he  asked  me  what  I  would  have  I  said 
I  thought  a  little  magnesia  would  be  cooling, 
at  which  he  and  Violet  and  the  chemist  all 
laughed  together,  and  Val  explained  that 
American  drug  stores  were  good  for  some- 
thing better  than  that. 

"  In  this  city  it's  a  pretty  unenterprising 
druggist,"  said  Mr.  Ingham,  "  that  can't 
give  you  a  chocolate  soda."  That  is  what 
he  and  Violet  had — chocolate  sodas,  an  hour 
before  lunch!  Anxious  as  I  was  to  add  to 
my  American  experiences,  I  was  afraid  to 
go  so  far.  I  had  some  delicious  cold  fizzy 
stuff  which  also  came  out  of  a  silver-plated 
tap  in  the  counter  and  was  called  orange 
phosphates,  and  why  it  did  not  make  me  very 
ill  at  that  hour  of  the  morning  is  more  than 
I  can  imagine — I  suppose  it  was  the  phos- 
phates. Americans,  by  the  way,  are  very 
fond  of  phosphates;  they  put  it  into  all 
sorts  of  sweet  drinks;  whether  to  soothe 
their  nerves  or  to  enable  them  to  take  more 
chocolate  sodas  I  don't  know.  Val  Ing- 
ham said  it  was  used  freely  in  porridge  by 
the  poor  and  in  puddings  by  persons  of 
the  better  class,  but  I  did  not  always  find 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

Mr.  Ingham  reliable  in  statements  of  this 
kind. 

We  were  to  lunch  with  Mr.  Ham  at  two. 
This  I  understood  to  be  no  particular  favour 
on  our  part,  but  a  very  great  concession  on 
his.  None  of  us  represented  to  Mr.  Ham 
any  transaction  which  could  be  put  through 
at  lunch ;  the  cutlets  and  the  time  he  gave  to 
us  would  be  quite  unprofitably  consumed. 
Mr.  Ham's  time  at  office  was  one  of  the  few 
things  spoken  of  respectfully  at  Bellevue. 
(Americans  are  flippant,  there  is  no  doubt 
about  that.  They  never  called  their  presi- 
dent anything  but  "  Mac,"  and  one  of  the 
jokes  of  the  summer  was,  "  What  did  the 
horse  say  when  they  clipped  his  tail?  " — 
"  Remember  the  Maine."  I  have  described 
Violet 's  attitude  toward  English  rank ;  it  was 
typical.  I  don't  believe  you  could  gather  up 
enough  deference  in  that  household  to  treat 
a  country  squire  properly.)  But,  as  I  say, 
Mr.  Ham's  time  was  an  exception.  It  was 
regarded  as  a  kind  of  sacred  thing,  and  when 
he  brought  home  the  rare  account  of  an  in- 
trusive visitor  one  would  think  the  creature 
had  profaned  a  holy  temple  and  assaulted  its 
high  priest.  Mr.  Ham  at  home — that  is,  de- 
tached from  the  market  value  of  his  time — 
was  just  a  little,  dried-up  man  who  loved 
261 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

buckwheat  cakes  and  could  not  eat  them  be- 
cause his  digestion  was  gone.  Mr.  Ham  at 
office  was  the  custodian  of  his  time,  a  thing  he 
had  the  power  to  transmute  into  dollars  and 
dollars,  just  shut  up  with  it  at  a  revolving 
desk  in  an  inside  room.  Nobody  would  in- 
terfere with  this  process  lightly — it  was  a 
kind  of  thing  to  be  encouraged,  a  magic  to 
be  left  to  work  under  the  most  favourable 
conditions.  At  Bellevue  they  were  content 
to  add  up  the  results,  and  try  to  invent  sub- 
stitutes for  buckwheat  cakes  which  would  be 
just  as  attractive,  and  which  would  not  in- 
crease the  acidity  of  pa's  poor  stomach. 

We  had  spent  the  whole  morning  in  ele- 
vators, rising  and  sinking  perpetually  from 
floor  to  floor.  We  went  up  again  very  far 
in  search  of  Mr.  Ham.  He  seemed  as  inac- 
cessible as  architects  could  make  him,  and 
while  we  sat  waiting  for  him  in  an  outer 
room  I  saw  through  the  window  other  swift 
ascents  and  descents,  dark  against  the  daz- 
zling white  wall  of  a  building  higher  still. 
It  was  only  the  shadow  of  smoke  from  a 
neighbouring  chimney  going  up  and  down, 
but  it  gave  one  the  dizzy  idea  that  in  New 
York  all  transit  was  vertical ;  that  the  point 
you  wanted  to  attain  invariably  overhung 
you  somewhere  in  the  air — a  city  of  Jacks 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

of  the  Beanstalk.  Presently  we  secured  Mr. 
Ham.  He  came  out  with  his  hands  in  his 
pockets,  and  to  one  of  the  elbows  he  thus 
protruded  clung  another  man,  whose  atti- 
tude, persistent  and  affectionate,  suggested 
that  he  hadn't  yet  got  what  he  wanted.  He 
dropped  it,  however  (the  elbow  I  mean),  like 
a  hot  coal  when  Mr.  Ham  very  simply  looked 
at  his  watch.  "  You  can't  pull  any  time  on 
me !  "  he  said,  and  took  himself  off — a  quaint 
expression,  which  meant,  I  am  afraid,  that 
his  feelings  were  rather  hurt. 

We  sank  again  with  Mr.  Ham,  and  then 
rose  with  him  in  a  higher  flight  than  ever  in 
search  of  luncheon.  We  were  to  have  it,  at 
his  suggestion,  on  a  roof — I  think  New  York- 
ers like  to  show  you  how  eccentric  they  can 
be.  I  asked  if  it  wouldn  't  be  windy,  but  Mr. 
Ham  said  he  guessed  we  could  keep  our 
seats.  As  a  matter  of  fact,  we  were  com- 
pletely sheltered  by  awnings,  above  which,  I 
have  no  doubt,  fluttered  the  American  flag, 
and  it  was  no  more  than  fresh  and  pleasant. 
The  oddness  of  it  quite  took  my  fancy — do- 
ing such  an  ordinary  thing  as  lunching  in  a 
place  so  extraordinary,  a  point  so  superior 
even  to  the  tall  city  that  stood  below,  sharp 
in  the  sunlight,  with  its  blue  harbour  on  the 
horizon.  The  greatest  pleasure  in  life,  it 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

seems  to  me,  is  doing  things  differently ;  why 
we  go  on  and  on  the  way  we  do  in  England 
is  more  than  I  can  conceive. 

Mr.  Ham  carefully  explained  to  us  in  the 
elevator  that  this  was  not  a  fashionable  re- 
sort, but  a  "  regular  down-town  place."  My 
heart  warmed  to  the  silk  hats,  so  like  dear 
old  London,  and  I  noticed  that  there  were 
about  as  few  ladies  as  there  would  be  in  a 
city  restaurant  at  lunch  time.  The  men  had 
the  universal  city  look,  the  tenseness  and  the 
essential  sophistication,  but  they  wore  their 
finance  with  a  difference,  a  kind  of  dcbonnaire 
that  one  doesn't  see  in  Leadenhall  Street. 
There  were  a  great  many  white  moustaches 
and  pink  chops  and  prominent  waistcoats 
among  them,  but  nothing  in  the  least  uniform 
in  the  way  they  took  their  places,  and  talked 
and  gave  their  orders,  or  read  the  papers. 
One  of  them,  in  a  beard  and  a  long  black  coat, 
might  have  been  a  Nonconformist  minister, 
another  a  dandy  from  the  Bois.  They  all 
had  the  look  of  dealing  in  money,  but  their 
goddess  seemed  a  volatile  creature — there 
was  nothing  settled  in  their  ways.  I  sup- 
pose, being  Americans,  there  never  will  be. 
And  I  missed  the  clerk  from  among  them ;  at 
least,  he  was  not  wearing  paper  over  his 
cuffs  to  save  the  washing,  as  he  does  at  home. 
264 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

But  perhaps  these  persons  in  America  can- 
not afford  to  lunch  at  such  an  elevation. 

A  great  many  people  looked  at  Mr.  Ham 
as  if  they  recognised  him,  and  you  could  see 
by  the  way  he  held  his  head  and  fiddled  with 
the  salt-cellars  and  things  that  he  was  aware 
of  it.  He  did  not  seem  to  resent  the  public 
stare  or  even  particularly  to  dislike  it,  but 
his  manner  was  deprecating — he  had  the  air 
of  being  rather  ashamed  of  his  importance. 
I  have  dined  in  public  with  only  one  other 
notability,  our  own  member  for  Cobbhamp- 
ton.  How  differently  he  received  the  re- 
spectful glances  of  persons  unknown  to  him 
— how  he  seemed  to  feel  and  acknowledge 
the  propriety  of  them.  "  Nature,"  he 
seemed  to  say,  * '  has  created  me  for  this  emi- 
nence; it  will  not  be  my  fault  if  I  do  not 
adorn  it."  Mr.  Ham,  who  was  really  in  his 
own  way  even  more  of  a  celebrity,  looked 
rather  as  if  he  would  like  to  apologize  for  it 
and  tell  everybody  it  was  not  his  fault  that 
he  was  of  more  consequence  than  other  peo- 
ple. I  suppose  it  is  the  effect  of  republican 
institutions  on  the  conscience,  but  I  wished 
he  wouldn't — it  took  away  half  the  pleasure 
of  being  seen  with  him. 

I  must  say  for  Mr.  Ham  that  he  laid 
himself  out  to  entertain  us.  I  suppose  he 
265 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

thought  that  while  he  was  doing  it  he  might 
as  well  be  agreeable — there  was  practically 
no  more  money  to  be  lost  that  way  than  any 
other,  though  it  might  take  a  little  longer. 
He  pointed  out  other  celebrities  or  their  rela- 
tives, and  told  stories  about  them.  He  quite 
took  the  reins  into  his  own  hands — he  was  a 
great  deal  more  at  home  than  in  his  country 
house;  we  had  only  to  listen.  The  celebri- 
ties were  generally  people  who  had  made  a 
great  deal  of  money  in  the  profession  of 
alderman,  or  in  some  other  branch  of  public 
usefulness,  and  Mr.  Ham's  smile  was  a  kind 
of  qualified  tribute  to  them.  One  of  the  sto- 
ries was  about  a  person,  I  think  his  name  was 
Fisk,  and  Mr.  Ham  was  surprised  that  I  had 
never  heard  of  him — I  had  to  explain  that  I 
lived  in  the  country.  Somebody  applied  to 
Mr.  Fisk  for  a  subscription  to  mend  the  pal- 
ing round  the  parish  graveyard,  and  he  re- 
fused, because,  he  said:  "  Nobody  who  was 
in  could  ever  get  out,  and  nobody  who  was 
out  wanted  to  get  in."  Somebody  else,  it 
seemed,  once  asked  this  same  Mr.  Fisk 
whether  his  father  would  tell  a  lie  for  ten 
cents — a  most  extraordinary  interrogation. 
Mr.  Fisk  said:  "  Certainly  not!  "  which  is 
what  one  would  expect  him  to  say,  but  it 
seems  he  felt  compelled  to  add:  "  But  he 
266 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

might  tell  three  for  a  quarter."  Mr.  Fisk 
must  have  been  a  very  conscientious  man ;  few 
sons  would  make  such  an  admission  about 
their  father,  however  true  it  might  have  been. 
That  was  the  kind  of  story  Mr.  Hani  told. 
Val  Ingham  found  them  very  funny,  and  I 
found  them  as  funny  as  I  could.  Violet  must 
have  heard  most  of  them  before,  but  she  en- 
couraged her  father  with  much  gaiety.  It 
was  a  little  as  if  Mr.  Ham  were  enjoying  a 
holiday  which  his  daughter  was  indulgently 
giving  him,  yet  I  saw,  as  I  never  had  before, 
how  perfect  was  the  understanding  between 
Mr.  Ham  and  his  daughter.  He  left  a  great 
deal  to  her,  even  the  ordering  of  the  wines ; 
it  was  plain  that  his  confidence  in  her  was 
complete.  Some  mention  of  Bobs  was  made, 
at  which  I  detected  a  glance  between  the  two 
that  showed  them  most  sympathetic.  I  was 
glad  to  think  that  there  was  likely  to  be  no 
obduracy  on  the  part  of  the  old  gentleman, 
and  already  I  made  allowance  for  some  of 
his  little  ways  as  a  prospective  connection. 

We  went  home  by  an  earlier  train  than 
Mr.  Ham,  who  had  to  stay  behind  to  see  the 
man  he  should  have  seen  at  luncheon.  We 
found  Kaye — who  had  started  early  on  an 
all-day  expedition  on  foot  in  order  to  be 
well  out  of  the  way  of  Bobs  and  Violet — 
267 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

newly  returned  and  extremely  cross.  Bobs 
had  taken  Verona  out  in  the  boat  for  her 
headache,  and  it  did  not  improve  my  hus- 
band's temper  that  we  had  to  wait  dinner 
for  them. 


268 


CHAPTER   XXII 

IF  I  wanted  an  illustration  of  how  fast 
the  Americans  are  growing  and  changing  I 
would  not  look  for  it  further  than  the  Ham 
family.  I  have  mentioned  before  how  difficult 
it  was  to  see  anything  of  Mr.  or  Mrs.  Ham, 
and  if  I  speak  of  it  again  it  is  by  way  of  apol- 
ogy, for  it  does  seem  almost  discourteous 
that  in  writing  of  their  so  lavish  hospitality 
a  guest  should  find  so  little  to  say  about 
them.  The  fact  was  that  they  and  their 
daughter  belonged  to  different  periods,  dif- 
ferent parties,  almost  to  different  classes. 
The  thing  that  made  this  only  peculiar  and 
saved  it  from  being  pathetic  was  their  com- 
plete realization  of  it  and  satisfied  acquies- 
cence in  it.  They  were  quite  content  to  be 
as  they  were,  and  quite  pleased  to  have  Vio- 
let as  she  was ;  they  were  wonderfully  unex- 
acting  and  liberal  in  their  recognition  of  the 
difference  between  her  "  bringing  up  "  and 
theirs,  and  not  in  the  least  jealous  of  the 
large  share  of  her  that  was  absorbed  by  peo- 
ple and  interests  quite  outside  of  their  lives. 
18  269 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

She  was  travelled  and  modern,  they  were 
provincial  and  narrow;  she  had  a  hundred 
tastes  that  they  could  only  pay  for  without 
sharing,  and  they  did  not  mind.  I  think  part 
of  this  was  due  to  the  real  American  com- 
placence and  self-satisfaction  bred  of  the 
Declaration  of  Independence  and  other  early 
colonial  demonstrations,  which  you  only  find 
in  its  perfection  now  in  rather  middle-aged 
and  old-fashioned  people;  the  younger  ones 
have  a  wider  world  and  move  more  diffidently 
in  it.  Whatever  it  was,  it  made  them  model 
parents  from  the  point  of  view  of  filial  con- 
venience; Mrs.  Ham  asserted  herself  exclu- 
sively in  the  housekeeping,  and  Mr.  Ham 
only  if  anybody  wanted  to  trample  on  Jake. 
But  it  took  us  some  little  time  to  become  ac- 
customed to  it,  and  to  realize  that  between 
the  pleasures  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Ham  and  Miss 
Violet  Ham  there  was  a  great  gulf  fixed, 
which  no  polite  entreaty  on  our  part  could 
possibly  bridge.  After  a  while  we  stopped 
trying,  but  it  was  not,  I  fear,  until  Mrs.  Ham 
had  been  seriously  annoyed  by  our  impor- 
tunity. We  began  presently  to  be  very  gay. 
A  leader  of  society — the  Hams  were  not  lead- 
ers of  society,  though  Violet,  of  course,  would 
be  when  she  married — came  into  the  neigh- 
bourhood and  set  everything  going,  coaching 
270 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

parties,  yachting  parties,  garden  parties, 
dances,  picnics.  They  gave  one  a  delightful 
opportunity  of  observing  New  York  manners 
and  New  York  clothes,  and  I  must  say  I 
thought  them  both  much  too  charming  to  be 
wasted  on  the  banks  of  a  somewhat  uninter- 
esting river  flowing  through  the  wilds  of 
North  America.  There  is  no  use  in  saying 
that  New  Yorkers  of  a  certain  class  are  more 
vivid,  more  witty,  and  more  sympathetic 
than  Londoners  of  the  corresponding  class; 
one  must  know  them  at  home  to  understand 
just  what  particular  quality  of  vividness  and 
wit  and  sympathy  they  have.  I  rejoiced  in 
it  very  much,  as  all  foreigners  do  who  have 
any  intelligence  at  all,  but  I  could  no  more 
reproduce  it  than  I  could  reproduce  the  scent 
of  a  flower  or  the  song  of  a — well,  of  a 
cicada.  It  is  something  quite  personal  and 
undetachable,  connected  in  some  way,  per- 
haps, with  vast  incomes,  and  wide,  bright 
spaces  and  irresponsibility  for  the  govern- 
ment of  the  country.  We  have  nothing  like 
it  in  England,  where  serious  duties  sit  upon 
serious  men  even  in  society,  but  it  is  the  most 
delightful  of  republican  products  to  en- 
counter. Cleverness  reserves  itself  at  home 
for  dinners,  nobody  seems  to  think  it  suitable 
or  worth  while  to  be  amusing  at  garden  par- 
271 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

ties — even  celebrities  walk  about  in  the  dull- 
est manner;  but  over  there  the  talk  was  as 
gay  and  original  as  the  frocks  that  trailed 
across  the  lawns;  there  were  flashes  round 
the  refreshment  tables  and  coruscations  un- 
der the  trees — a  kind  of  concentrated  essence 
and  flavour  about  the  things  that  were  said 
made  one  feel,  I  must  say,  dreadfully  unso- 
phisticated. Even  in  town  people  have  com- 
monplace interludes  in  which  they  talk  about 
Mr.  Chamberlain's  last  indiscretion,  or  the 
troubles  in  Senegambia,  or  the  drop  in  Con- 
sols, and  these  are  restful  because  one  never 
is  expected  to  really  understand;  but  it 
seemed  to  me  that  the  New  Yorkers  were 
always  playing,  round  their  artificial  lakes 
and  grottoes,  with  ideas  and  abstractions. 
As  Kaye  remarked,  there  was  no  let  up  to 
it,  and  I  won't  say  that  in  the  long  run  we 
didn't  find  it  a  trifle  fatiguing.  But  it  car- 
ried one  along,  one  felt  quite  clever,  too,  at 
the  time,  though  afterwards  when  one  got 
one's  breath,  as  it  were,  it  was  difficult  to 
see  exactly  why. 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Ham  would  not  be  enticed 
to  any  of  these  functions.  So  far  as  I  could 
see,  Mrs.  Ham's  principal  relaxation  was  to 
sit  in  a  rocking-chair,  in  a  shady  corner  of 
the  verandah  commanding  the  river,  with  the 
272 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

Christian  Union  or  a  bit  of  plain  sewing; 
and  this  she  preferred  to  do  when  we  had 
all  gone  off  somewhere,  leaving  her  in  sole 
possession.  If  it  had  not  been  for  Henry 
Bird  I  would  really  hardly  feel  that  I  had 
made  her  acquaintance.  But  Henry  Bird 
wanted  a  place — Frances  mentioned  that  he 
did — and  the  Hams  about  the  same  time  de- 
cided that  they  wanted  a  butler.  Violet  had 
said  that  there  was  never  any  real  repose  in 
a  house  without  a  butler,  which  is  quite  true 
when  one  comes  to  think  of  it — women-serv- 
ants look  so  constantly  prepared  to  give  no- 
tice. I  fancy  she  had  to  say  it  a  good  many 
times  before  she  convinced  Mrs.  Ham,  but 
at  last  she  did  convince  her,  and  it  was  de- 
cided finally  that  it  would  be  best  to  get  one 
out  from  home — I  mean  from  England. 

"  Always  import  direct,"  said  Mr.  Ham; 
"  it  saves  expense  in  the  end." 

"  The  sound,  old-fashioned  article,"  said 
Violet,  "  cannot  be  had  in  New  York.  It 
deteriorates  in  this  climate." 

"  He  couldn't  be  more  incompetent  than 
Elizabeth,"  said  Mrs.  Ham,  "if  he  came 
from  the  South  Sea  Islands." 

After  the  matter  had  been  fully  and  thor- 
oughly discussed  I  suggested  Henry  Bird. 
I  waited  till  then,  and  did  it  diffidently,  be- 
273 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

cause  it  is  often  unsatisfactory  enough  to 
have  recommended  a  servant  from  the  next 
parish,  and  I  trembled  at  the  responsibility 
involved  in  getting  Henry  Bird  a  situation 
on  the  other  side  of  the  Atlantic.  But  Mrs. 
Ham  seemed  to  think  it  quite  providential. 

"  It  would  be  such  a  blessing  to  know 
something  about  him,"  said  she;  "  a  person 
coming  into  the  house  like  that." 

"  We  should  get  him  with  what  you 
dear  Britishers  call  a  '  character,'  "  said 
Violet. 

11  Oh,  I  couldn't  give  Henry  Bird  a  char- 
acter, ' '  I  exclaimed,  with  alarm.  * '  I  hardly 
know  anything  about  him — only  that  Colonel 
Maxwell  is  dead.  He  lived  near  us  in  the 
country  you  know,  and  Bird  has  been  with 
him  ever  since  I  can  remember — for  seven 
or  eight  years  anyway.  The  man  always 
looked  a  good  servant  and  I  never  heard  any- 
thing against  him,  but  whether  Colonel  Max- 
well would  have  recommended  him  or  not,  of 
course  I  can't  say.  He  was  a  bachelor,  and 
not  very  particular,  I  daresay,  about  his 
plate.  I  wish  I  had  noticed  when  we  dined 
there  last;  it's  so  important,  isn't  it?  but,  of 
course,  I  didn't." 

"  Never  mind,"  said  Violet,  soothingly; 
"  we'll  try  and  be  satisfied  with  the  fact  that 
274 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

he  lived  with  Colonel  Maxwell  seven  or  eight 
years  and  gave  no  ground  for  complaint. 
We  would  prefer,  of  course,  to  hear  that 
Colonel  Maxwell  had  left  him  a  legacy.  You 
couldn't  assure  us  of  that!  " 

"It's  quite  possible,"  I  said;  "but 
Frances  didn't  mention  it." 

"  Oh,  well,  we  can  ask  him  when  he 
comes.  He  is  middle-sized,  I  suppose,  thick- 
set, and  square-chinned,  with  rather  a 
pained,  reserved  expression." 

"  How  in  the  world  did  you  know?  "  I 
exclaimed. 

"  They  all  are." 

"  It  sounds  very  dependable,  I  must 
say,"  put  in  Mrs.  Ham. 

"  If  he  has  whiskers,"  continued  Violet, 
11  they  are  iron  grey." 

"  Colonel  Maxwell  allowed  him  to  wear 
whiskers  and  a  moustache,  too,  I'm  afraid," 
I  said;  "  but,  of  course,  you  could  insist  on 
his  shaving,  if  you  preferred  it." 

Mrs.  Ham  and  Violet  looked  at  each 
other. 

"  Could  we  insist?  "  asked  Violet.  "  We 
fear  we  could  not.  It  is  un-American  to  dic- 
tate to  a  fellow  citizen  how  he  shall  and  shall 
not  adorn  his  face;  even,"  she  added,  mus- 
ingly, "  a  fellow  citizen  who  brings  in  hot 
275 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

plates.  We  are  simply  shackled  by  our  re- 
spect for  the  brotherhood  of  man. ' ' 

"  It 's  quite  true, ' '  remarked  Val  Ingham, 
who  had  helped  Violet  materially  to  bring 
about  the  butler;  "  once  he  sets  foot  in 
America  his  whiskers  are  safe." 

"  If  it  had  to  be  done,"  said  Mrs.  Ham, 
1 '  your  pa  would  have  to  do  it. ' ' 

"  It  isn't  in  my  ma,"  said  Violet,  with 
conviction;  "  that's  plain  enough." 

"  It  isn't  in  any  of  us,"  Val  Ingham  de- 
clared; "  I  will  assist  to  overpower  Henry 
Bird  in  the  night  and  cut  off  his  whiskers, 
but  I  will  not  even  remotely  hint  to  him  that 
he  is  expected  to  shave." 

An  idea  struck  me.  "  I  could  write  to 
Frances,"  I  said,  "  to  tell  him  to  shave  be- 
fore he  starts.  Frances  wouldn't  mind,  I 
assure  you.  Then  it  would  be  done." 

"  And  irrevocable,"  said  Violet.  "  Poor 
Henry  Bird !  Think  of  his  feelings  when  he 
lands  and  finds  that  he  has  been  the  victim 
of  a  monarchical  order  delivered  from  re- 
publican soil !  At  his  first  taste  of  the  sweets 
of  liberty  he  would  grow  them  again,  and 
then  he  would  look  a  fright." 

"  Your  proposition,  Mrs.  Kemball,"  said 
Val  Ingham,  "  is  contrary  to  the  spirit  if 
not  the  letter  of  our  foreign  labour  legisla- 
276 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

tion.  This  Government  does  not  permit  con- 
tracts to  be  made  with  aliens  before  they 
arrive.  Such  contracts  are  not  only  null  and 
void,  but  I  believe  they  bring  the  party  pro- 
posing them  within  the  scope  of  the  law. 
Henry  Bird's  contract  would  not  be  null  and 
void  because  his  whiskers  would  be  gone,  but 
his  natural  rage  would  be  all  the  greater  on 
that  account,  and — 

"  Oh,  I  am  sure  Bird  would  do  nothing 
of  the  kind,"  I  said,  confidently;  "  he  is 
much  too  well-behaved  a  man.  But  perhaps 
Mrs.  Hani  had  better  write  to  Frances." 

That  American  laugh,  which  is  often  so 
inexplicable  to  foreigners,  seized  them  all, 
and  when  it  had  subsided  Mrs.  Ham  closed 
the  discussion. 

"  No,"  she  said,  "  I  don't  seem  to  care 
enough  about  it  one  way  or  another.  I  guess 
I  won't  be  the  one  to  part  them,  Henry  Bird 
can  come  in  his  whiskers.  He'll  be  so  much 
of  a  novelty  anyhow  that  I  don't  expect  we 
shall  ever  take  notice." 

That  evening  Mr.  Ham  joined  us  in  the 
billiard-room  with  a  slip  of  paper  in  his 
hand.  "  How  will  this  do?  "  he  said,  and 
read  it  aloud. 

' ' '  Lucrative  situation  offered  Henry  Bird 
in  family  Jacob  Ham,  firm  of  Ham  and  Ham. 
277 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

Three  in  family.  Other  help  kept.  Passage 
paid  by  first  steamer.  Kindly  hustle.'  If 
you  have  no  objection  to  put  your  name  to 
this,  Mrs.  Kemball,  and  address  it  to  the  lady 
you  mentioned,  I'll  get  it  off  first  thing  to- 
morrow morning,  and  Henry  ought  to  be 
here  in  ten  days." 

"  Do  you  propose  to  cable?  "  inquired 
my  husband,  with  suspended  cue.  Verona 
and  Bobs  were  watching  the  game  from  the 
da'is.  Violet  and  Val  Ingham  were  criticiz- 
ing it,  mostly  with  their  backs  turned,  from 
a  French  window  which  gave  upon  the  moon- 
lit lawn. 

"  Why,  yes,  it's  quicker,"  Mr.  Ham  re- 
plied; "  either  we  want  H.  Bird,  or  we  do 
not  want  him.  If  we  want  him  he  can't 
get  here  any  too  soon.  Besides,  ma  and  I 
thought  it  would  be  pleasanter  for  him  to 
arrive  before  you  go  away.  I  expect  he'll 
find  Americans  kind  of  strange  to  him,  and 
a  familiar  face  might  help  him  stay  and  get 
accustomed  to  us." 

11  I  see,"  I  said.  It  was  a  little  embar- 
rassing. If  I  signed  that  telegram  Frances 
would  think  me  quite  mad.  But  I  could  not 
very  well  say  so  to  Mr.  Ham.  Kaye  calm- 
ly went  on  with  his  shots,  giving  me  no  as- 
sistance. "  Send  it  by  all  means,  Mr. 
278 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

Ham,"  I  was  obliged  to  say  at  last;  "  but  I 
hardly  think  my  people  will  understand  it. 
They — they  live  in  the  country,  you  know." 
And  that  wasn't  so  bad,  either,  consid- 
ering. 

"Well,  in  wiring  for  a  butler,  we  don't 
want  to  make  any  very  bad  break, ' '  said  Mr. 
Ham,  good-humouredly.  "  He  might  bring 
it  up  to  us  afterwards." 

"  Must  you  wire?  "  I  asked.  "  It  seems 
such  a  serious  step  to  take,  all  the  way  to 
England,  just  to  engage  a  servant." 

"  I  guess  I've  got  to,"  replied  Mr.  Ham. 
"  Otherwise,  you  see,  it  would  have  to  be 
done  by  letter,  and  I've  no  reason  to  expect 
that  my  typewriter  knows  how  to  hire  a  but- 
ler, especially  through  people  in  England 
who  live  in  the  country.  It  would  only  lead 
to  more  confusion." 

"  Perhaps  it  would,"  I  said.  "  Well, 
you  may  get  Bird  by  telegram,  if  he's  not 
too  frightened.  But  I  would  mention  the 
wages,  I  think." 

"  H'm,"  said  Mr.  Ham;  "I'll  give  him 
what's  right,  of  course;  but  I  thought  I'd 
wait  and  see  what  he  asked.  There's  no  use 
in  offering  him  more  than  he's  willing  to 
take." 

"  People  of  that  class  are  so  suspicious, 
279 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

Mr.  Ham.  I'm  afraid  he  wouldn't  come  un- 
less he  knew  in  advance." 

"I'm  not  going  to  beat  him  down  any. 
He  can  have  what  he  wants. ' ' 

"  Yes,  but  you  can't  put  that  in  a  tele- 
gram. People  of  that  class  have  such  ex- 
travagant ideas  of  what  they  can  ask " 

"  Well,  see  here,  Mrs.  Kemball,  you  fix 
it.  If  you  know  how  to  deal  with  people  of 
that  class  it's  more  than  I  do.  Make  any 
business  proposition  to  Henry  Bird  that 
seems  to  you  right  and  I'll  buzz  it  off  in  the 
morning.  Only,  as  I  get  away  early,  you 
won't  have  all  night  to  think  about  it,"  Mr. 
Ham  added,  good-humouredly. 

"  Kaye,"  I  said,  "  what  would  you  give 
Colonel  Maxwell's  butler  if  we  were  taking 
him  on?  " 

"  Forty  a  year  at  the  outside,"  my  hus- 
band replied;  "I've  heard  Maxwell  call  him 
fair  to  middling,  but  he's  a  frumpish  old 
party,  if  I  remember  right." 

"  Pounds?  "  said  Mr.  Ham;  "  well,  I'll 
give  him  sixty.  Tell  him  my  offer  is  twenty- 
five  dollars  a  month. ' ' 

"  I  think  it  would  be  better  to  say  so 
much  a  year,"  I  said;  "it's  more  usual  with 
butlers." 

"  Oh,  do  let  us  mention  it  by  the  year," 
280 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

sighed  Mrs.  Ham,  who  had  joined  us,  "  it 
sounds  so  much  more  permanent.  Though 
I  never  did  such  a  thing  in  my  life  before!  " 

"All  right,"  said  Mr.  Ham.  "Three 
hundred  a  year.  Got  that  down?  " 

"  Three  hundred — dollars — a  year,"  I 
repeated,  writing,  "  and  everything  found?  " 

"  Everything  he  can  find,"  replied  Mr. 
Ham,  "  so  long  as  it  doesn't  belong  to  the 
family. ' ' 

They  turned  round  in  the  window  to 
laugh  at  this,  and  Val  Ingham  explained, 
much  to  my  relief. 

"  I  see,"  said  Mr.  Ham;  "  we  have  got 
to  do  the  finding.  Well,  we'll  try.  I  pre- 
sume ma  will  attend  to  it.  She's  a  pretty 
good  provider." 

"  This  is  what  I  have  written,"  I  said — 
"  '  Place  for  Bird  with  Mr.  Ham.  Sixty 
pounds,  everything  found,  passage  paid. 
Bird  will  leave  by  first  mail.'  He  will  take 
it  for  granted  about  the  other  servants,"  I 
added,  apologetically;  "  butlers  always  do." 

"  Come  to  think  of  it,  they  would,"  said 
Mr.  Ham.  "  You  couldn't  expect  a  butler 
to  make  a  bed  or  wash.  Well,  this  will  reach 
Henry  Bird,  despatched  from  New  York  at 
nine  to-morrow  morning,  about  seven  o  'clock 
on  the  same  day." 

281 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

11  Well,  no,"  said  I,  "if  that  is  when  it 
will  reach  Cobbhampton.  Cobbharapton  is 
seven  miles  from  Babbitts,  and  Babbitts  is 
four  miles  from  Burroughs,  and  the  Grange, 
Colonel  Maxwell's  old  place,  is  three  miles 
beyond  Burroughs.  That  makes  fourteen 
miles  it  has  to  go  by  messenger  after  it  ar- 
rives. By  the  way,  there  will  be  an  extra 
charge  for  that;  but,  of  course,  Frances  will 
pay." 

"  I  will  be  much  obliged,"  said  Mr.  Ham. 
' '  I  can  send  you  the  amount  later,  if  you  let 
me  know  what  it  is.  Don't  let  your  lady 
friend  forget  about  it." 

"  Oh,  she  won't  forget  about  it,"  said  I; 
"  it  won't  be  much,  but  Frances  will  remem- 
ber. And,  of  course,  Bird  may  happen  to 
be  in  Cobbhampton,  in  which  case  there 
would  be  nothing  to  pay." 

"  I  never  calculated,"  reflected  Mr.  Ham, 
aloud,  "  on  those  fourteen  miles  my  wire 
would  have  to  walk  in  the  course  of  the  day, 
after  crossing  the  Atlantic  before  breakfast. 
It  does  seem  hard. ' ' 

"  I  think  it's  quite  likely  Bird  may  be  in 
Cobbhampton,  Mr.  Ham,"  I  urged.  "  I  do 
hope  so.  It  seems,  a  pity  to  waste " 

"  Well,  now,  don't  you  worry,  Mrs.  Kem- 
ball,"  Mr.  Ham  replied,  smiling  broadly. 
282 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  We're  none  of  us  going  to  be  sick  with 
anxiety  about  the  expense  of  that  telegram. ' ' 

11  There's  one  thing — you  might  cut  it 
down  more, ' '  remarked  Kaye,  from  the  other 
end  of  the  billiard  table.  "  Hand  it  over 
to  me." 

"  No,  sir — no,  you  don't,"  interposed  our 
host.  "  I  won't  have  that  wire  tampered 
with  at  the  risk  of  making  it  any  less  in- 
telligible. It's  got  to  be  understood  in  Eng- 
land by  people  who  live  in  the  country." 


CHAPTER   XXIII 

HENRY  BIRD  arrived*  just  in  time,  so  far 
as  concerned  my  familiar  face.  We  were  to 
start  the  very  next  day  for  the  Adirondack 
Mountains — Violet  and  Verona,  Bobs  and 
Val  Ingham,  Kaye  and  I,  there  to  rejoin  the 
Adamses,  who  were  dying,  they  wrote,  of 
loneliness  at  the  Bosk.  They  must  have 
been  dying  of  loneliness  to  ask  so  many  of 
us  at  the  same  time,  but  they  seemed  to  think 
that  was  the  only  way  to  get  us — they  must 
keep  the  little  party  together.  This  was  not 
exactly  the  case — Kaye  and  I  would  have 
gone  by  ourselves,  since  you  cannot  eat  cara- 
mels on  the  verandah  of  even  the  most  hos- 
pitable American  for  the  whole  summer ;  but 
we  were  very  pleased  that  the  kind  Adamses 
had  kept  the  party  together,  it  was  such  a 
compact  and  friendly  party,  with  so  many 
bonds  of  mutual  interest.  I  wished  some- 
times that  Kaye  and  I  had  been  in  the  same 
just-about-to-become-engaged  stage  as  the 
others,  so  that  we  might  all  have  occupied 
an  equal  footing  of  exquisite  uncertainty. 
284 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

Married  and  settled,  we  felt  superior,  but 
also  rather  out  of  it.  Six  people,  however, 
each  wondering  precisely  what  the  other  five 
meant,  might  have  produced  situations  too 
highly  charged,  so,  perhaps,  we  were  as  well 
as  we  were. 

Jake  took  his  own  buggy  to  the  station  to 
meet  Henry  Bird.  He  said,  when  it  was  pro- 
posed, that  he'd  just  as  soon  as  not  some- 
body else  went;  there  was  nothing  wanted 
at  the  village,  and  he  didn't  know  how  he 
was  going  to  leave  that  job  of  painting  the 
boathouse.  "  Well,  Jake,"  said  Mrs.  Ham, 
' '  you  know  well  enough  Tom  is  driving  Miss 
Ham  over  to  Kettley's  this  morning,  and  if 
you  think  proper  to  send  the  mare  out  with 
the  boy  why  you  do  it, -but  I  won't  take  the 
responsibility. ' '  At  which  Jake  said  he  sup- 
posed he  'd  have  to  go  himself  then ;  but  when 
he  harnessed  up  Mrs.  Ham  noticed  and 
told  us  that  he  had  taken  his  own  buggy. 
*  *  Jake 's  queer, ' '  she  said.  ' '  Now  what  did 
he  do  that  for  ?  ' '  None  of  us  could  say,  but 
I  privately  thought  I  knew,  and  I  would  have 
given  something  to  have  occupied  an  invis- 
ible third  seat  in  Jake's  buggy  on  the  way 
home  and  heard  the  new  butler's  first  lesson 
in  the  social  status  of  the  American  "  man 
on  the  place.'* 

19  285 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

I  was  packing  when  Bird  arrived,  but 
Violet  came  and  said  her  mother  simply 
wouldn't  go  down  and  see  him — come  up 
rather,  for  she  was  in  the  kitchen — unless  I 
came  with  her,  so  he  was  received  in  the 
breakfast-room  by  all  three  of  us.  "  Well, 
Bird,"  I  said,  "  so  you  have  come  all  the 
way  to  America!  "  I  could  have  hugged 
him,  the  dear  old  thing  looked  so  like  home, 
but  I  contented  myself  with  warmly  shaking 
hands.  "  Mrs.  Ham,"  I  went  on,  "  here  is 
Bird  at  last.  I've  promised  Mrs.  Ham,  Bird, 
that  when  you  came  everything  would  go 
smoothly,  and  she  expects  a  great  deal  of 
you. ' ' 

"  How  do  you  do,  Bird?  "  said  Mrs. 
Ham.  She  also  shook  hands  with  him,  at 
which  he  looked  somewhat  startled,  but  al- 
most instantly  regained  his  self-possession. 
Violet,  sitting  on  the  arm  of  a  chair,  gave 
him  a  bright  little  nod. 

"I'm  sure  I  hope  to  give  satisfaction, 
ma'am.  Words  in  the  kitchen,  ma'am,  if 
that's  what's  been  the  trouble,  I  don't  en- 
courage, ma'am." 

"  It's  more  a  general  slackness  that  I 
complain  of,"  communicated  Mrs.  Ham. 
"  It 's  the  corners  of  the  rooms  and  the  han- 
dles of  the  teacups,  if  you  understand  me." 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  Both  under-house  and  scullery  maids, 
ma'am,  are  a  poor  dependence." 

"  I  thought  in  England  they  were  just 
perfection,"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Ham.  "  You 
might  as  well  sit  down,  Henry.  You'll  be 
worn  out." 

"  Oh,  if  you'll  excuse  me,  ma'am,  I 
couldn't  do  that,"  replied  poor  Bird,  turn- 
ing a  scandalized  glance  upon  me.  Receiv- 
ing at  the  same  time  a  joyful  nudge  from 
Violet,  who  seemed  delighted  with  the  whole 
proceeding,  my  feelings  were  a  little  con- 
fused. 

"  Just  as  you  like,"  said  Mrs.  Ham,  ap- 
preciatively, and  to  break  the  slightly  op- 
pressive silence  I  asked  Bird  if  he  had  seen 
any  of  the  people  about  Burroughs  or  the 
Mythe  before  he  left,  and  how  they  were  all 
keeping. 

"  I  was  over  to  the  Mythe  no  longer  ago 
than  the  day  before  I  left  the  Grange, 
ma'am,  having  a  small  matter  of  business 
with  John  Coke " 

' '  That 's  the  coachman, ' '  I  said  to  Violet. 

"  Yes'm,  and  he  told  me  as  I  was  to 
report  to  you  the  'osses  was  in  the  pink 
of  condition,  which  I  saw  for  myself, 
ma'am.  I  took  notice  of  your  little  dog, 
too,  ma'am — 

287 


Those  Delightful  Americans 


"  Oh,  dear  Whiskey!  " 

"  Yes'm.  He's  grown  quite  a  bit 
since 'm,  and  got  very  knowin'.  He's 
learned  he  can  drive  the  kitchen  cat,  but  not 
the  drawin'-room  cat;  and  the  household 
generally,  ma'am,  are  quite  well  and  send 
their  respects." 

"  You'll  find  that  we  have  all  the  modern 
improvements,"  said  Mrs.  Ham;  "  too  many 
and  too  modern,  I  sometimes  think,  for  much 


use." 


"  Indeed,  ma'am?  I'll  be  very  careful, 
ma'am."  He  paused  to  give  time  for  an 
order,  but  as  none  came:  "  Might  I  ask,  is 
your  last  man  here,  ma'am,  or  am  I  to  get 
the  keys  from  yourself!  " 

It  was  a  demoralizing  moment,  though 
I  believe  I  was  the  only  one  who  felt  routed. 
Violet,  I  knew,  was  on  the  brink  of  laughter, 
and  Mrs.  Ham  saw  nothing  either  funny  or 
discomforting  in  the  situation. 

"  There  wasn't  any  last  man,"  she  ex- 
plained ;  '  *  you  are  the  first,  Henry  Bird. 
I've  always  had  hired  girls  up  to  now,  and 
that  is  the  reason  I'm  a  grey-haired  woman 
before  my  time.  And  there  aren't  any  keys. 
I've  never  been  accustomed  to  lock  anything 
up,  except  the  house,  and  that  locks  itself, 
nowadays. ' ' 

288 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  Not  the  butler's  pantry,  ma'am?  " 

"  There  isn't  any  butler's  pantry,  but 
you'll  find  a  real  comfort  in  the  new  re- 
frigerator. ' ' 

Bird  looked  slightly  dazed,  but  took  defi- 
nite hold  of  one  idea. 

"  If  I'm  to  be  responsible  for  the  cellar, 
ma'am,  I'd  beg  to  ask  for  the  key,"  he  said, 
respectfully  but  firmly. 

"  Well,  I  don't  know  what  for.  There 
isn't  one  thing  in  the  cellar  but  the  furnace, 
and  I  don't  expect  Jake  would  want  anyone 
interfering  with  that. ' ' 

"  Not  the  wine,  ma'am?  " 

"  Why  no,  we  don't  stock  wine.  We  just 
get  it  in  as  we  need  it." 

I  saw  the  first  expression  of  disapprov- 
al dawn  upon  Bird's  countenance.  He 
looked  at  me  with  what  my  guilty  conscience 
took  to  be  reproach.  I  suppose  he  never  in 
his  most  oppressive  nightmares  saw  himself 
disassociated  with  a  wine  cellar  before;  it 
must  have  made  him  in  his  own  eyes  logic- 
ally impossible.  "  And — and  the  plate, 
ma'am,"  he  faltered;  "  do  I  rightly  under- 
stand that  there  ain't  a  key  to  the  plate- 
chest?  " 

"  Well,  you  see,"  Mrs.  Ham  explained, 
"  we  only  use  electro  in  the  country.  All 
289 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

our  real  silver  is  in  Mr.  Ham's  safe  in  New 
York." 

"  I  see,  ma'am,"  said  Bird.  Then  for 
some  inexplicable  reason  he  added,  dole- 
fully: "  Shall  I  be  expected  to  attend 
chapel,  ma'am?  " 

That  was  too  much  for  Violet.  Her  laugh 
rang  out,  infecting  us  all  and  clearing  the 
situation  in  an  instant. 

"  No,  Henry,"  she  said,  "  there's  no 
compulsion;  you  can  attend  anything  you 
like.  We  haven't  got  any  wine  cellar  or  any 
plate-chest,  and  if  you  noticed,  as  you  came 
through  the  hall,  we  haven't  any  suits  of 
armour  either,  and  our  family  portraits  are 
all  photographs.  You'll  have  to  use  the  same 
pantry  the  rest  of  us  do,  and  just  get  along 
as  my  mother  says  with  a  share  of  the  re- 
frigerator. You're  quite  as  new  an  institu- 
tion to  us  as  we  are  to  you,  but  you  needn't 
be  afraid  you  won't  get  a  chance  to  make 
yourself  awfully  useful.  You  don't  seem  to 
drop  your  h's — that's  disappointing — but 
otherwise  you  come,  so  far,  quite  up  to  our 
expectations.  I  think  the  express  cart  has 
come — you  had  better  go  now  and  see  about 
your  baggage." 

Miss  Ham  got  through  this  rigmarole 
with  commendable  gravity,  and  I  could  see 
290 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

her  rising  in  Henry  Bird's  estimation  as  it 
proceeded;  but  once  that  much  puzzled  man 
had  well  left  the  room  she  fell  helpless  over 
the  arm  of  her  chair  and  incidentally  into 
the  seat  of  it.  "  Oh,  isn't  he  too  beautiful!  " 
she  cried;  "  with  his  kitchen  cats  and  his 
drawing-room  cats.  Isn't  he  just  like  them! 
And  to  think  that  we've  lured  him  across 
the  ocean,  and  to-morrow  morning  he'll 
bring  in  the  waffles!  Oh,  Henry  Bird, 
you've  given  me  such  a  pain." 

"  I  don't  think  you  need  have  been  in 
such  a  hurry  getting  rid  of  him, ' '  complained 
Mrs.  Ham.  "  I  was  just  beginning  to  feel  a 
little  at  home  with  him." 

* '  When  you  're  quite  at  home,  mum  dear, 
maybe  you  '11  decide  what  he  is  to  be  called, ' ' 
sighed  the  exhausted  Violet.  "  We've  ad- 
dressed him  as  *  Bird,' '  Henry,'  and  *  Henry 
Bird  ';  if  he  tries  to  measure  the  cordiality 
we  mean  to  imply  he  must  be  rather  puzzled, 
poor  man. ' ' 

' '  I  like  Henry  best — it 's  more  like  Jake, ' ' 
Mrs.  Ham  returned,  thoughtfully ;  ' '  but  Bird 
seems  to  be  what  he's  accustomed  to. 
We'll  leave  pa  to  settle  it.  He  looks  to  me," 
she  went  on,  "  like  that  new  gas  range  we 
got  last  week — calculated  to  be  a  great  com- 
fort once  you  learn  how  it  is  worked." 
291 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

The  door  opened  and  the  haughty  head 
of  the  kitchen-maid  appeared  upon  our  coun- 
sels. American  servants  have  a  perfectly 
unendurable  way  of  sticking  their  heads  in 
at  the  door,  offering  their  intelligence  only, 
as  it  were,  for  orders,  and  reserving  the  rest 
of  their  bodies  for  their  own  convenience. 
"Mis'  Ham,"  she  said,  "  that  Mr.  Bird 
asks  for  beer  with  his  lunch.  When  I  offered 
him  tea  he  got  the  regular  hump.  He  said 
he  hoped  he  wasn't  going  beyond  his  rights, 
but  unless  there  was  some  good  and  sufficient 
reason  he'd  trouble  me  for  beer.  He  acted 
grumpy,  I  must  say.  Am  I  to  open  that  new 
Minneapolis  lager,  or  the  old  kind?  " 

Mrs.  Ham  looked  more  taken  aback  than 

I  ever  saw  her.     "  Beer!  "  she  ejaculated; 

II  I've  never  given  out  beer  in  the  kitchen 
in  my  life.    Has  he  got  any  right  to  ask  for 
beer?  " 

I  felt  obliged,  on  behalf  of  Henry  Bird, 
to  remind  Mrs.  Ham  of  her  responsibili- 
ties. "  I  think  Mr.  Ham  cabled  everything 
found,"  I  said. 

"  Everything  that  is  reasonable  and 
proper!  "  cried  Mrs.  Ham;  "  but  beer!  I 
do  think  Henry  Bird  has  got  a  nerve !  ' ' 

"  Doesn't  Jake  get  it?  "  I  asked. 

"  Mercy,    no!    Jake's    total    abstinence. 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

If  I  happen  to  be  making  raspberry  vinegar 
or  lemon  syrup  I  may  send  a  bottle  over  to 
Miss  Elwood  with  my  compliments,  but  there 
it  begins  and  ends.  Do  you  give  beer?  " 
Mrs.  Ham  demanded. 

"  There's  usually  a  keg  'going  for  the 
kitchen.  It's  supposed  to  last  so  long,  you 
know.  I  make  a  tremendous  fuss  if  it 
doesn't,"  I  added,  virtuously. 

"  It  isn't  that  I'd  mind  the  cost,  but  I 
must  say  it  does  seem  to  me  unprincipled," 
propounded  Mrs.  Ham;  "  I  don't  like  offer- 
ing it  every  day  on  the  table,  much  less  let- 
ting the  hired  help  have  the  run  of  it." 

The  maid's  head  again  appeared  at  the 
door,  reminding  us  that  while  we  discussed 
the  ethics  of  the  situation  Henry  Bird  re- 
mained thirsty. 

"  Lizzie,"  said  Mrs.  Ham,  "  you  can  tell 
him  that  alcoholic  beer  I  cannot  and  will  not 
take  the  responsibility  of  giving  him,  at  all 
events  until  I  have  had  time  to  speak  to  pa. 
But  there's  some  ginger  beer  on  ice,  for  I 
put  it  there  with  my  own  hands — he  can  have 
a  bottle  of  that." 

Lizzie  disappeared  on  her  non-alcoholic 

errand,  and  Mrs.  Ham  repeated,  with  a  sigh 

of  relief,  that  pa  would  have  to  decide.    "  I 

never  thought  of  a  problem  like  that,"  she 

293 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

said;  "  but  one  thing  I  can  say,  and  that  is, 
that  beer  or  no  beer,  Henry  Bird  won't  have 
any  fault  to  find  with  his  lunch,  for  I  saw  to 
it  myself." 

We  left  next  morning,  and  I  was  too  ex- 
cited by  the  prospect  of  our  first  long  rail- 
way journey  in  America  to  share  much  of 
the  general  interest  that  surrounded  Henry 
Bird  like  an  atmosphere  and  followed  him 
wherever  he  went.  I  remember  the  view  of 
his  solicitous  back  at  the  sideboard,  carving 
the  cold  joint,  and  Mrs.  Ham's  uneasiness  at 
seeing  the  cold  joint  appear  at  breakfast  at 
all,  and  especially  on  the  sideboard.  And  I 
remember  feeling  rather  glad  that  I  should 
escape  the  complications  that  would  be  cer- 
tain to  arise  over  the  division  of  labour  be- 
tween my  hostess  and  her  butler,  which  was 
"  mean  "  of  me,  as  they  say  over  there,  con- 
sidering what  a  large  share  I  had  in  bringing 
those  complications  about.  But  I  am  sure, 
on  the  whole,  it  was  more  satisfactory  that 
the  contest  should  take  place  in  an  empty 
house. 


294 


CHAPTER   XXIV 

WE  were  off  and  away  to  the  Adiron- 
dacks,  mountains  which  I  rejoiced  to  think  I 
could  pronounce  correctly  in  future,  and  set 
other  people  right  about  as  well ;  the  Indian 
nomenclature  of  North  America  causes  the 
most  painful  struggles  in  England.  We 
were  making  a  detour  to  give  Bobs,  Kaye, 
and  me  the  opportunity  of  seeing  Niagara 
Falls.  It  was  a  pity,  the  others  said,  who 
were  in  a  hurry  to  get  to  the  mountains,  that 
we  could  not  see  "  the  Falls  "  from  "  the 
Bridge  "  without  getting  out  of  the  train  at 
all,  as  it  always  slowed  down  in  crossing; 
but  it  was  generally  conceded  that  this  was 
impossible;  we  would  have  to  get  off  the 
train  and  go  and  look  at  them,  and  stay  all 
night  in  a  hotel.  This  did  not  strike  us  as 
being  too  much  to  do  for  Niagara,  but  then 
we  were  persons  of  small  but  determined 
leisure;  we  hated  looking  at  anything  from 
car-windows ;  for  one  thing,  so  far  as  Ameri- 
can car-windows  were  concerned,  there  were 
always  too  many  cinders  in  your  eye.  Kaye 
295 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

and  I  were  to  have  a  fortnight  with  the 
Adamses,  and  then  go  on  through  a  little 
bit  of  Canada,  and  sail  from  Quebec.  We 
hoped  Bobs  would  come  with  us,  leaving 
everything  happily  settled  up;  but  Kaye 
could  get  nothing  out  of  him:  he  was  ob- 
stinately indefinite  about  his  plans.  Private- 
ly— that  is,  of  course,  in  consultation  with 
Kaye  (how  private  are  the  plans  of  any  mar- 
ried woman!) — I  hoped  to  see  both  affairs 
brought  to  their  proper  conclusion  before  we 
left;  it  was  a  little  ridiculous  the  way  they 
had  been  dragging  along.  I  don't  quite  like 
to  say  that  Violet  flirted  with  our  cousin, 
Lord  Robert  Walden,  but  she  certainly  tri- 
fled with  him ;  and  there  is  a  point,  as  I  came 
very  near  telling  him  once  or  twice,  beyond 
which  an  Englishman,  especially  an  Eng- 
lishman of  title,  should  not  allow  himself  to 
be  trifled  with.  But  Bobs  exhibited  a  kind 
of  base  content  with  this  treatment;  he 
seemed  quite  happy,  representing  the  British 
lion,  to  have  alternate  sticks  and  buns  poked 
at  him,  an  illustration,  I  often  thought,  of 
how  much  men  will  suffer  if  they  are  suffi- 
ciently in  love.  At  Kaye 's  advice  he  did  take 
one  step — he  showed  himself  rather  more 
plainly  appreciative  of  the  charms  of  Verona 
Daly.  That  is  precisely  the  kind  of  old-fash- 
296 


Those   Delightful  Americans 

ioned  plan  that  would  occur  to  a  man — dis- 
tinctly early  Victorian,  if  not  older;  but  I 
do  not  think  the  jealousy  of  modern  woman 
is  to  be  aroused  by  so  transparent  a  device. 
I  should  never  have  recommended  it  to  be 
tried  upon  Violet  Ham,  but,  as  I  have  said 
before,  Lord  Robert  Walden  did  not  honour 
me  with  his  confidence. 

I  had  great  expectations,  however,  of  the 
next  fortnight.  It  looked  pretty  definite, 
our  all  going  off  together  in  that  very  charm- 
ing but  quite  unnecessary  way.  Verona  was 
obliged  to  come,  of  course;  but  why  should 
Val  Ingham,  unless  he  had,  at  the  bottom 
of  his  heart,  a  great  deal  more  encourage- 
ment than  he  ever  mentioned?  Bobs  could 
hardly  in  decency  refuse — he  had  been  long 
enough,  in  all  conscience,  at  Bellevue;  but 
Violet  had  a  dozen  other  invitations — to 
Newport,  to  Bar  Harbour,  to  the  Saguenay. 
Why  should  she  have  elected  for  the  Ad- 
amses and  the  Adirondacks  and  the  further 
society  of  a  British  nobleman,  who  had  made 
it  plain  enough  that  he  wanted  to  marry  her, 
unless  she  intended  in  the  long  run  to  accede 
to  his  desire? 

We  were  travelling  by  the  Empire  State 
Express ;  no  other  train  was  even  considered 
by  the  Ham  family  in  arranging  our  move- 
297 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

ments.  No  Bradshaw  was  consulted;  some- 
body looked  in  a  newspaper  for  the  adver- 
tised starting  of  the  Empire  State — that  was 
the  train  for  us.  I  gathered  that  it  would  be 
a  stupid  thing  to  go  one's  self,  and  a  rather 
unpatriotic  thing  to  send  foreigners  by  any 
other,  so  long  as  the  Empire  State  was  avail- 
able; though  a  company's  enterprise,  it  was 
in  a  manner  a  national  institution — a  sam- 
ple, as  Mr.  Ham  said,  of  what  Americans 
could  do  in  the  way  of  transportation.  I  re- 
membered little  Mrs.  Moss  on  the  steamer 
coming  over,  and  her  mysterious  reference, 
and  smiled  with  superiority  over  the  unin- 
itiated person  I  was  then,  sailing  up  to  the 
shore  of  this  immense  America.  I  quite 
wished,  now  that  I  knew  a  little  about  her 
country,  to  meet  Mrs.  Moss  again ;  she  would 
have  found  me,  I  hope,  so  much  more  in- 
telligent. 

One  could  certainly  cry  out  that  it  was 
beautiful,  before  it  started,  this  pride  of 
the  transporting  American.  We  travelled 
"  drawing-room  "  class,  a  frightful  extrava- 
gance; but  none  of  the  others  seemed  to 
dream  of  anything  else,  and  we  could  not  be 
in  a  churlish  minority.  One  could  hardly 
imagine  such  an  expensive  interior  devoted 
to  public  use — all  pale  yellow  wood  carved 
298 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

in  exquisite  panels,  and  deep  arm-chairs 
luxuriously  upholstered  in  rich  stuffs,  and 
an  inlaid  floor  partly  covered  with  Eastern- 
looking  carpet  into  which  one's  foot  sank 
half  an  inch.  A  scrap  of  lace  would  have 
turned  it  into  a  boudoir,  a  pipe  or  two  into 
a  smoking-room  in  the  house  of  a  millionaire. 
I  noticed  with  interest  how  Violet  and  Ve- 
rona and  young  Ingham  and  all  the  Ameri- 
cans sank  with  indifference  into  their  places 
in  this  scale  of  public  splendour;  it  was,  of 
course,  nothing  wonderful  to  them,  but  they 
seemed  designed  in  some  special  way  to  fit 
into  the  scenic  effect  of  it ;  a  couple  of  dozen 
English  people  in  those  chairs  would  have 
struck  a  horrid  false  note — their  insular 
prejudices,  in  a  decorative  sense,  would  have 
screamed  aloud.  I  think  Americans  like  to 
look  at  each  other ;  and  no  wonder — such  toi- 
lettes and  such  backgrounds;  for  although 
there  were  little  compartments  at  one  end  of 
the  car,  where  one  could  be  private,  nobody 
occupied  them ;  the  preference  was  plainly  to 
sit  in  rows,  each  travelling  American  taking 
in,  swinging  round  in  his  or  her  pivotal  chair, 
the  picture  of  the  other  travelling  Ameri- 
cans. It  was  certainly  a  little  stuffy;  the 
beautiful  carpets  and  cushions  were  not  only 
on  the  floors  and  the  furniture,  but  to  some 
299 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

extent  in  the  air,  mixed  with  a  highly  refined 
but  palpable  smell  of  varnish.  Kaye  tried 
one  of  the  windows,  but  found  it  disinclined 
to  move — it  may  or  may  not  have  been  mov- 
able, but  it  plainly  had  not  the  habit;  and 
Verona  remarked,  with  slight  displeasure, 
that  loads  of  air  came  through  the  ventila- 
tors in  the  roof — we  would  see  when  we 
started.  Loads  of  light  and  landscape  cer- 
tainly came  through  the  windows,  they  were 
so  big  and  so  crystalline,  almost  producing 
the  illusion  that  air  came  too.  And  as  our 
fellow  travellers  rustled  into  their  sumptu- 
ous seats,  separate  delicate  odours  of  ex- 
pensive essences  and  soaps  exhaled  from 
them  and  floated  past.  Altogether  it  was  no 
commonplace  travelling,  but  a  dream  of 
transport  in  select  company.  It  seemed 
even  more  like  that  when,  as  we  moved  out 
of  the  station,  a  train-boy  in  livery  and  civil- 
ity, real  civility,  although  an  American 
train-boy,  came  through  and  offered  each  of 
us  three  or  four  new  novels,  and  a  catalogue 
to  choose  more  from,  for  our  free  profit,  our 
unpaying  amusement  during  the  journey. 
This  was  really  astonishing;  it  gave  one  a 
feeling  of  being  handsomely  treated,  with  the 
embarrassment  of  having  no  one  to  thank — 
one  could  not  lavish  gratitude  upon  the  train- 
300 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

boy.  I  read,  I  remember,  some  charming 
stories  of  secluded  American  regions  by  a 
lady,  a  delightful  lady,  Mrs.  Rebecca  Hard- 
ing Davis,  who  lived  in  Philadelphia.  The 
secluded  regions,  under  her  presentation, 
were  attractive,  but  what  I  felt  was  that  I 
should  like  to  go  to  Philadelphia. 

I  don't  know  whether  it  is  safe  to  say 
that  the  Empire  State  train  is  the  fastest 
thing  in  the  States, — it  is  impossible  to  gath- 
er^  from  one's  mere  feelings,  how  it  com- 
pares with  express  elevators, — but  presently 
it  began  to  go  terribly  fast.    Bobs  leaned 
over  to  assure  me,  above  the  roar,  that  I  had 
travelled  just  as  many  miles  an  hour  in  the 
Scotch  Express. 

"  I  never  realized  it,"  I  shouted. 

II  No;  it's  less  noticeable,  on  account  of 
the  superiority  of  our  road-beds." 

"  The  what  of  our  road-beds?  " 

"  The  superiority." 

"  The  what  f  " 

"  The  superiority,"  bawled  poor  Bobs. 
He  was  facing  Violet  and  Verona,  and  talk- 
ing across  the  aisle  to  me.  I  saw  them  ex- 
change pitying  glances,  but  no  argument 
arose.  None  could,  very  well ;  we  were  tear- 
ing along  with  such  a  roar,  such  a  rattle  and 
swaying  and  creaking  and  lurching,  such  tre- 
20  301 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

mendous  and  undeniable  speed.  The  other 
people  in  the  train  looked  happy  and  satis- 
fied. Whatever  Bobs  may  say — and  he  and 
Kaye  said  a  number  of  things  later  in  pri- 
vate— about  road-beds  in  the  United  States, 
I  am  sure  that  Americans  do  not  use  this 
kind  because  it  is  cheap,  but  because  it  gives 
the  greatest  effect  and  impression  of  speed. 
If  you  like  a  thing  very  much,  you  like  not 
only  to  get  it,  but  to  be  aware  that  you  get 
it;  and  the  American  road-bed,  I  am  sure, 
offers  a  larger  amount  of  palpable  hurry 
than  any  other  for  the  money. 

Oh,  it  was  going  altogether  too  fast — it 
was  lurching  too  much,  the  fields  outside 
whirled  in  too  dizzy  a  vision.  The  window 
shades  swung  in  from  the  glass,  a  hat  bound- 
ed out  of  its  rack.  Kaye  had  my  travelling- 
bag.  I  got  up  to  ask  him  to  get  out  the  Eau 
de  Cologne,  staggered  two  steps,  and  fell 
back  into  my  seat.  My  husband,  reading  my 
signs,  brought  the  bag;  but  inadvertently, 
and  entirely  owing  to  the  motion  of  the  train, 
hit  a  stout  gentleman  severely  over  the  head 
with  it.  The  stout  gentleman  took  it,  I  must 
say,  very  well — quite  as  a  joke;  Kaye  was 
the  more  annoyed  of  the  two.  As  he  made 
his  uncertain  way  back  to  his  seat,  Val  Ing- 
ham  greeted  him  with  the  smile  of  a  person 
302 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

who  makes  a  triumphant  experiment — now 
we  were  testing,  with  our  powers  of  equi- 
librium, what  could  be  done  in  travelling  by 
rail  in  America.  "  New  to  you,  this  sort  of 
thing, ' '  he  remarked ;  and  Kaye,  sitting  down 
heavily,  responded,  "  Entirely." 

In  spite  of  Verona's  ventilators,  it  grew 
hotter  and  hotter;  the  delicate  scents  thick- 
ened and  concentrated  and  weighed  upon  the 
air,  where  they  mingled  with  a  vile  smell  of 
coal  gas  from  the  engine.  Our  expensive 
interior  was  invaded  by  cinders,  dust  poured 
into  it  through  the  sealed  windows,  dust  rose 
up  from  the  heels  of  the  train-boy  treading 
the  deep  piled  carpet,  dust  and  cinders  lay 
thick  together  on  the  plush  upholstery  of  the 
arms  of  the  chairs.  Plush  under  dust  and 
cinders  in  a  moist  hot  drawing-room  car  at- 
tached to  a  bolting  engine  is  not  pleasant  to 
rest  the  hand  upon ;  why  does  no  public-spir- 
ited American  write  to  the  papers  and  ask 
for  linen  or  leather?  On  we  swept.  I  be- 
gan to  have  feelings  which  I  must  be  ex- 
cused from  describing,  though  I  could  easily 
do  it,  for  I  saw  them  plainly  reflected  in  the 
faces  of  several  ladies  who  made  their  way 
one  after  the  other  toward  the  end  of  the  car. 
When  in  the  ruthless  course  of  time  and  the 
train  I  followed  them,  one  or  two  were  ex- 
303 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

tended  upon  the  sofas  behind  the  curtains 
of  the  private  coupe's,  compulsorily  retired 
for  the  moment  from  the  society  they  so  un- 
deniably adorned  at  the  beginning  of  the 
journey.  There  is  a  word  for  their  emer- 
gency, they  were  all ' '  car-sick, ' '  we  were  all 
car-sick — why  should  I  hesitate,  so  long 
after,  to  include  myself?  It  is  one  of  the 
things  the  American  public  puts  up  with,  one 
of  the  ways  in  which  it  earns  its  enormous 
reputation  for  good  nature.  I  thought  as  I 
sat  there,  car-sick  in  all  that  sticky  splendour, 
that  this  reputation  was  well  deserved.  The 
others  seemed  happy  and  unconcerned — all 
but  Kaye.  I  knew  how  my  husband  felt 
from  his  appearance,  as  of  course  every  mar- 
ried woman  does,  but  I  could  not  look  at  him 
long — he  rocked  about  so.  Val  Ingham  was 
trying  to  cheer  him  up. 

"  I  meant  to  have  told  you,  if  you  were 
in  a  hurry  this  morning,  not  to  bother  shav- 
ing," said  Val  Ingham.  "  You  can  get  a 
shave  on  board  this  train." 

"  Thanks,"  replied  Kaye.  "  Eather  be 
excused. ' ' 

"  Could  have   said  you'd  done  it,   you 
know — been  shaved  on  a  train  going  sixty 
miles  an  hour;  didn't  get  a  scratch.    Some- 
thing to  say,  old  man." 
304 


Those   Delightful  Americans 

"  Don't  know  why  I  should  be  an  ass  for 
the  sake  of  explaining  that  I  am  one,"  re- 
turned my  husband  ungraciously. 

"  Not  such  an  ass,  you  know,  old  chap, 
if  it  meant  catching  the  train.  You  can  get 
a  bath  too." 

''I'd  considerably  rather  go  dirty." 

"  Shower-bath,  I  think— hot  and  cold. 
Massage  to  order." 

* '  Chiropodist,  I  suppose,  in  the  next  car- 
riage— manicurist  by  appointment?  " 

"  Have  them  next  year,  old  man,  just  as 
soon  as  the  demand  justifies  it;  we  don't  go 
in  for  the  unnecessary  luxuries.  Tell  you 
one  thing — got  any  pressing  correspondence 
to  attend  to?  " 

"Yes,"  said  Kaye;  "  letter  to  a  female 
cousin. ' ' 

Val  Ingham  looked  disappointed.  "  No 
almighty  rush  about  that,"  he  said. 

"  You  don't  know  her." 

"  Well,  I  was  going  to  say  if  it  was  busi- 
ness— there's  a  stenographer  and  typist  on 
board,  regular  feature,  ordinary  New  York 
charges.  But  you'd  be  glad  to  get  even  a 
female  cousin  off  your  mind.  Dictate  it. 
My  dear  chap,  you've  got  no  enterprise.  If 
the  American  public  were  like  you,  this  train 
wouldn't  run  two  trips." 
305 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  It  would  not,"  groaned  Kaye.    "  You 
ean't  send  your  female  relatives  type-written 
letters.    I   should  never  have   a  chance  to 
send  a  second  to  Frances  Walden. ' ' 
"  She  must  be  very  particular." 
"  She  is.    Where's  the  piano?  " 
1 '  In  the  dining-car, ' '  replied  Val  Ingham 
imperturbably.    "  Paderewski  always  trav- 
els by  this  train  to  get  a  chance  to  practise. ' ' 
At  this  point  Violet  and  Verona  and  Bobs 
got  up.     "  We,"  they  announced,  "  are  go- 
ing to  the  observation  car  in  the  rear — will 
you  come?  " 

Val  Ingham  would,  with  pleasure,  but  we 
two  Kemballs  sat  rooted  in  our  misery.  Vio- 
let urged  that  we  would  obtain  a  better  idea 
there  of  the  way  we  were  getting  over  the 
ground,  but  we  were  content  with  the  idea 
we  had.  The  other  four  went  into  the  ob- 
servation car,  and  stayed  there  until  we  ar- 
rived at  Suspension  Bridge.  I  hoped  every- 
thing was  going  on  as  it  should,  but  I  had 
temporarily  quite  lost  interest  in  the  matter ; 
I  should  have  been  unable  to  look  on  intelli- 
gently, even  in  an  observation  car. 


306 


CHAPTER   XXV 

WE  have  the  warmest  and  most  grateful 
feelings  toward  Americans,  and  I  do  not  wish 
to  dwell  upon  the  treatment  our  luggage  re- 
ceived, to  the  exclusion  of  everything  else, 
as  so  many  English  people  do,  especially  as 
the  recollection  of  it  even  now  rouses  in  one 
a  kind  of  annihilating  rage  which  is  not  a 
pretty  sentiment.  But  two  burst  locks  and 
a  top  completely  smashed  in — it  was  my  new 
dress-baskets  from  the  stores — cannot  be 
passed  over  in  silence.  There  seemed  to  be 
among  the  porters  an  honourable  competi- 
tion as  to  how  far  they  could  fling  the  boxes, 
and  how  accurately  they  could  place  them 
upon  their  corners.  Perhaps  if  one  were  a 
porter  oneself,  and  were  asked  to  lift  the 
monstrous  great  clamped  trunks  the  Ameri- 
cans carry  about,  one  would  have  felt  the 
same  animosity  towards  them ;  but  to  display 
it  towards  cabin  luggage  and  cane  baskets 
and  leather  portmanteaux  was  an  act  of  ma- 
lignity which  had  no  excuse.  Kaye,  with  his 
foolish  insular  idea  of  bringing  somebody  to 
307 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

justice,  found  what  they  call  the  "  bag- 
gage-master," a  muscular  red-faced  thing  in 
his  shirt-sleeves,  who  might  have  been  chos- 
en by  election  for  his  skill  in  damaging  the 
possessions  of  the  travelling  public.  He  put 
his  fingers  in  the  arm-holes  of  his  waistcoat 
and  looked  at  our  boxes.  Then  he  spat. 
Then  he  turned  to  a  subordinate.  "  Looks 
like  some  of  Tom  M'Ginnis's  work  here,"  he 
said  to  the  subordinate,  who  nodded. 

"  That's  what  y'  get,"  he  said  to  Kaye, 
"  for  trustin'  yer  baggage  to  a  man  like  Tom 
M'Ginnis."  Kaye  was  speechless,  and  per- 
haps it  was  as  well;  but  he  seldom  tells  the 
story  to  this  day  without  adding — "  That 
baggage-master  made  me  a  convert  to  lynch 
law." 

This  incident  did  not  occur  at  Niagara 
Falls,  but  it  occurred,  and  I  thought  it  might 
go  in  here,  as  Kaye  insists  that  it  should  not 
be  omitted,  and  we  are  travelling  by  rail  only 
in  these  chapters.  The  little  town  of  Ni- 
agara, on  the  contrary,  spread  around  us, 
oh,  so  peacefully  after  the  Empire  State 
Express  had  gone  roaring  on  its  way.  I 
don't  know  precisely  what  I  expected  of 
Niagara,  but  "  thunderous  sound  "  was  the 
principal  thing,  and  a  good  deal  of  fashion 
and  gaiety,  smart  shops,  and  villas  and  car- 
308 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

riages.  I  suppose  one  thought  of  so  world- 
renowned  a  place  as  at  least  a  local  summer 
resort  of  some  brilliancy  and  importance. 
How  different  it  was!  The  country  fields, 
with  their  "  snake  "  fences  and  ragged  cor- 
ners of  raspberry-bushes  and  meadow-sweet 
and  golden-rod,  crept  close  to  the  station, 
where  there  was  presently  nothing  and  no- 
body but  ourselves  and  our  luggage  and  one 
countrified  sticky  little  girl  in  white  stock- 
ings. The  road  rambled  away,  bordered  by 
weedy  grass  and  wooden  "  side-walks,"  and 
white  frame  cottages  with  green  shutters  sat 
sleepily  on  either  side  in  bits  of  garden 
where  pink  and  white  peonies  were  bloom- 
ing. It  was  so  quiet  that  one  heard  a  cock 
crow  and  a  woman  beating  a  carpet.  I  could 
have  wept  at  the  peace  of  it,  but  one  does 
not  give  way  to  emotions  like  that;  I  got 
into  a  cab  with  the  rest,  and  drove  to  the 
hotel.  On  the  way  we  passed  a  tram,  but  it 
did  not  disturb  us — it  was  waiting  for  an 
old  lady  who  was  still  some  distance  away, 
and  there  were  only  two  other  people  in  it. 
Another  illusion  was  shattered  when  we  were 
put  down  at  our  destination.  The  Niagara 
cabman  no  longer  exists  as  the  brigand  of 
my  imagination.  We  had  very  little  to  pay ; 
I  don't  remember  what,  but  very  little. 
309 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

We  chose  our  hotel  at  random — tossed 
coppers  for  it,  and  it  turned  out  not  to  be 
one  of  the  big  ones.  With  its  shady  lawn 
and  its  plaster  urns  of  gay  geraniums  and 
its  broad  verandah  it  might  have  been  a  com- 
fortable private  house.  People,  who  looked 
on  friendly  terms  with  each  other  and  very 
much  at  home,  were  sitting  on  the  verandah 
in  painted  rocking-chairs,  reading  newspa- 
pers— two  or  three  men  and  the  inevitable 
little,  middle-aged,  tidy,  bright  American 
woman  with  white  hair,  who  glanced  shrewdly 
up  at  us  as  we  passed  in.  On  the  gravel  path 
a  youth  was  practising  riding  the  bicycle, 
and  two  young  girls,  bare-headed,  strolled 
arm  in  arm  on  the  side-walk — between  it  and 
the  lawn  there  was  no  wall  or  paling.  All 
was  serene  and  pleasant  and  relaxed,  and  a 
public-spirited  lady  opposite  was  watering 
the  road  between  with  her  garden-hose,  mak- 
ing a  grateful  coplness.  We  seemed  to  be  a 
little  surprise,  so  many  of  us,  walking  in; 
there  was  some  delay  about  our  rooms. 
"  Might  I  ask,"  said  the  proprietor  to  Bobs, 
"  who  recommended  you  to  this  hotel?  " 
"  The  President  of  the  United  States,"  said 
Bobs  gravely,  alluding  to  the  "  heads  or 
tails  "  of  the  cent  which  % decided  our  com- 
ing; but  he  didn't  score  much.  The  man 
310 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

stared  for  an  instant,  and  then,  "  Ob,  yes," 
be  said,  ' '  he  always  stops  here. "  It  is  fool- 
ish for  an  Englishman  to  try  to  get  ahead 
of  a  Yankee  in  any  such  way  as  that. 

Late  dinner  they  didn't  provide,  but  tea 
we  could  have  immediately.  "  Tea,"  ex- 
claimed Lord  Robert  Walden,  crestfallen. 
"  But  we've  had  nothing  since  lunch— have 
we  got  to  go  to  bed  on  tea  ?  " 

"Cheer  up,  old  chap,"  said  Val;  "it 
won't  be  any  thin  bread-and-butter  business, 
you'll  see;  "  and  it  wasn't.  It  was  cold  ham 
and  chicken  and  pickles  and  hot  creamed  po- 
tatoes ;  also  the  flakiest  fresh  biscuits — those 
round  light  scones  which  are  not  biscuits  at 
all;  also  that  delicious  jam-sandwich  kind  of 
cake  that  nobody  but  the  Americans  really 
know  how  to  make ;  also  peaches  and  cream. 
Nothing  to  complain  of,  one  would  verily 
think;  and  yet  my  belongings,  Kaye  and 
Bob  Walden,  grumbled  till  I  was  heartily 
ashamed  of  them.  They  wanted  a  joint  and 
beer;  and  in  the  end  they  got  it,  cold,  and 
supped  since  they  could  not  dine ;  but  I  chose 
the  American,  or  better,  part  with  tea,  and 
never  told  the  dreams  I  had  after  it. 

Bobs  and  Kaye  took  their  pipes  out  into 
the  verandah.  Verona  went  promptly  to 
bed.  Violet  would  not  wait  till  the  morning 
311 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

for  her  first  glimpse  of  the  Cataract,  but 
must  needs  hail  a  vehicle  and  start  forth- 
with. I  was  much  too  tired  to  go  with  her, 
and  Bobs  and  Kaye  were  as  lazy  as  might 
be  expected  after  cold  joint  and  beer;  but 
Val,  whose  politeness  never  failed,  prayed 
instantly  to  be  her  cavalier. 

' '  Oh  yes, ' '  said  Violet,  ' '  you  can  come 
if  you  like;  but  mind,  not  a  single  attempt 
at  originality." 

It  amused  me  sometimes,  privately,  the 
way  she  would  sit  upon  Verona's  property— 
she  really  was  not  in  a  position  to  do  just 
as  she  liked  with  Val  Ingham. 

When  we  went  out,  the  proprietor  was 
sitting  in  one  of  the  painted  rocking-chairs 
reading  war  telegrams  aloud  out  of  the  Buf- 
falo Express.  It  was  important  news  of  one 
of  the  Philippine  victories,  and  we  listened 
with  the  rest.  When  he  had  finished,  the 
proprietor  folded  the  paper  and  handed  it 
to  Kaye. 

"  I  don't  know  where  your  sympathies 
are,"  he  said,  "  but  maybe  you'd  like  to  see 
what's  going  on." 

"  My  sympathies  are  right  here,"  said 
my  husband,  who  was  picking  up  American- 
isms fast;  and  as  Bobs  and  I  looked  over 
his  shoulder  at  the  exciting  head-lines,  I  way- 
312 


Those  Delightful   Americans 

laid  one  or  two  glances,  approving  and  fra- 
ternal, from  the  other  occupants  of  the  ve- 
randah. 

How  pleasant  it  was  on  that  quiet  veran- 
dah, what  a  sense  of  hospital  retreat  behind 
the  grass  and  geraniums,  in  view  of  the 
earthy  road,  where  now  and  again  came  the 
long  free  trot  of  a  good  horse  in  a  light 
buggy,  driven  as  likely  as  not  by  a  man  in 
his  shirt-sleeves,  with  a  straw  hat  on  the 
back  of  his  head,  holding  between  his  teeth 
the  calm  cigar  of  evening  leisure.  Dear 
horses  of  America,  what  happy  beasts  you 
are!  No  galled  necks  or  swollen  fetlocks; 
no  ribs  showing,  heads  hanging,  or  feet  out- 
planted  for  greater  ease;  none  of  these  ills 
are  yours.  You  live  in  a  country  where 
there  is  still  plenty  for  a  horse  to  eat,  and 
.not  too  much  for  a  horse  to  do.  You  can't 
make  money,  but  every  other  benefit  of  the 
American  lot  is  yours;  and  you  go  in  your 
airy  harness,  taking  your  light  traps  along, 
as  if  you  knew  it.  Instinctively  one  feels 
warmly  towards  Americans  when  one  sees 
their  horses — not  the  expensive  carriage  ani- 
mal, but  every  man's  horse,  the  horse  of  the 
livery  and  the  express  cart  and  the  evening 
buggy.  Thinking,  as  we  watched  them,  how 
shockingly  the  Spaniards  treated  theirs,  I, 
313 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

for  one,  could  feel  only  one  sentiment  about 
the  war. 

The  lady  who  sprinkled  the  road  from  her 
garden  had  disappeared,  but  a  very  lovely 
white  clematis  over  her  window  remained. 
It  shone  like  clustered  stars  in  the  twilight, 
and  I  exclaimed  upon  it  to  the  proprietor. 

"  Yes,"  he  said,  "  that's  a  fine  plant;  but 
you  can't  anything  like  see  it  from  here.  It 
would  be  worth  your  while  to  go  over  and 
look  at  it." 

"  But  it's  a  private  house,"  I  said. 

"  Well,  yes,  it  is  a  private  house.  Mrs. 
Pritchett  lives  there.  She's  a  widow,  pretty 
well  off.  But  I  don't  know  as  anything 
pleases  Mrs.  Pritchett  so  much  as  to  have 
folks  go  in  and  admire  her  flowers.  I  be- 
lieve she  took  down  her  fence  a-purpose." 

"  Walk  across  her  lawn?  "  I  exclaimed. 
"  I  wouldn't  dare." 

"  Why,  now,  there's  nothing  scared  of. 
Look  here,  I'll  take  you  over  myself  if  you 
really  want  to." 

I  didn't  like  to  refuse  so  cordial  an  offer, 
and  the  proprietor  and  I  made  our  way 
across  to  the  beautiful  creeper,  which  was 
more  radiant  than  ever  at  close  quarters, 
though  I  was  in  too  much  trepidation  to  stay 
more  than  half  a  minute. 
314 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  There's  Mrs.  Pritchett  at  the  window 
now,"  remarked  the  proprietor  as  we  re- 
traced our  steps.  "I'm  real  glad  she  didn't 
miss  us." 

Kaye  and  Bobs  sat  late  on  the  verandah 
smoking  that  night — so  late  that  Kaye  had 
to  undertake  to  lock  the  front  door  and  en- 
able the  proprietor  to  go  to  bed.  Kaye  had 
a  serious  talk  with  Bobs,  from  what  I  could 
gather  afterwards.  His  function  as  adviser 
had  been  allowed  to  lapse  for  some  time. 
My  husband  is  never  a  very  communicative 
person,  but  I  know  that  for  weeks  he  had 
had  absolutely  nothing  to  tell  me.  Once  an 
adviser  always  an  adviser  though,  and  he  had 
not,  of  course,  the  least  difficulty  in  bringing 
the  matter  up.  He  was  really  anxious — we 
both  were. 

"  I  suppose,"  said  Kaye  to  Bobs,  when 
I  was  gone,  "  you  made  it  all  right  with 
your  future  pa-in-law  before  we  left?  " 

"  Can't  say  I  did,"  said  Lord  Robert, 
with  would-be  nonchalance  as  he  knocked  his 
pipe  against  his  heel. 

"  Meant  to,  didn't  you?  " 

"  Oh,  it's  no  use,  in  this  country,  until 
you're  square  with  the  girl.  Girl  first,  you 
see,  over  here.  And  that's  as  it  should  be 
too,"  added  Bobs. 

315 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"H'm,"  said  Kaye,  "yes.  When  the 
chap's  an  American.  But  you're  not  an 
American. ' ' 

"  I've  been  doing  all  I  know  to  act  like 
one." 

"  Yes;  but  look  here,  old  chap,  I've  come 
to  the  conclusion  that  little  game  of  yours 
isn't  likely  to  be  understood.  Pa  Ham  will 
expect  you  to  act  like  an  Englishman.  May- 
be that's  what's  queering  the  whole  pitch." 

Bobs  apparently  had  no  reply  for  this, 
and  there  was  a  silence  of  several  whiffs  and 
some  slight  constraint. 

"  If  it's  got  to  be  like  that,"  he  said  at 
last,  without  enthusiasm,  "  might  as  well  go 
a  step  further  and  arrange  through  a  third 
party,  continental  style.  You  might  have 
done  it  for  me;  hanged  if  I  wouldn't  have 
preferred  it.  That  little  old  stick  of  a  Ham 
paralyses  me,  as  they  say  over  here.  Wish 
I'd  thought  of  it  in  time." 

"  He  doesn't  paralyse  me,"  remarked 
Kaye;  "  but  then  I  don't  want  either  his 
ducats  or  his  daughter.  I'd  have  done  it  for 
you  like  a  shot,  if  you'd  asked  me.  I  want 
to  see  the  thing  come  off,  both  for  your  sake 
and  the  family's.  There's  a  lot  of  coin,  and 
she's  a  nice  girl." 

"  Nice  girl — oh  yes,"  responded  Bobs. 
316 


Those  Delightful   Americans 

"  Confound  these  Yankee  matches;  there 
isn't  a  light  in  a  blooming  dozen  of  'em.  As 
you  say,  it's  a  pity  it's  too  late." 

'  *  Wouldn  't  like  me  to  write  I  ' '  suggested 
Kaye. 

*  *  No,  no ;  I  think  not.  Writing 's  always 
a  mistake.  No,  as  you  say,  the  opportu- 
nity's gone.  I'll  just  have  to — 

"  Keep  up  the  siege?  " 

Lord  Robert  rose  and  stretched  himself. 
"  I  suppose  there's  nothing  else  to  do,"  he 
said;  his  words  were  mixed  up  with  a  yawn. 
"  I'm  afraid,"  he  added,  as  they  went  in- 
doors, "  that  beastly  train  was  too  much  for 
the  ladies.  Miss  Daly's  quite  knocked  up." 


21  317 


CHAPTER   XXVI 

NEXT  morning  we  visited,  of  course,  the 
Cataract  and  the  Park,  and  those  beautiful 
little  islands  that  seem  caught  on  the  brink 
and  not  yet  pushed  over,  and  the  whirlpool, 
and  all  the  other  great  and  wonderful  exhi- 
bitions of  nature  in  this  place.  It  is  curious 
that,  in  looking  back  upon  the  wonders  of 
the  world  that  we  have  travelled  far  to  see, 
it  is  not  the  sublimity  itself  that  we  want  to 
write  about,  but  the  tiny  human  interest 
clinging  to  the  verge.  Is  this  because  we  more 
than  suspect  that  we  have  no  words  to  deal 
with  such  marvels,  or  is  it  because  they  pro- 
duce in  us  one  shock  of  feeling  and  after  that 
are  void,  barren  of  suggestion,  and  as  a 
theme  for  common  people  to  dwell  on — dare 
I  say  it! — a  little  boring?  We  saw  the  Falls 
of  Niagara,  fell  into  the  trance  they  evoke, 
were  stupefied,  awed,  and  overcome,  but  one 
should  be  John  Milton  or  an  organ  to  de- 
scribe them,  and  I  am  only  a  young  married 
lady  living  in  Sussex.  My  mind  turns  more 
readily,  therefore,  to  the  beaded  moccasins 
318 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

they  sell  you  in  the  place  when  the  lift  lets 
you  down  to  see  the  whirlpool — the  single 
thing  made  by  Indians  that  I  saw  in  the  con- 
tinent that  once  belonged  to  them — excellent 
bathroom  slippers.  At  Schaffhausen,  I  re- 
member, Kaye  bought  me  a  walking-stick 
with  a  dear  brown  bear  climbing  up  it;  but 
that  was  less  useful.  And  I  am  very  glad 
that  the  thunder  of  the  Falls  has  not  oblit- 
erated in  my  memory  the  voice  of  the  man 
opposite  Kaye  at  the  breakfast-table.  He 
began  a  conversation  with  us  in  such  a  curi- 
ous way;  I  imagine  he  was  a  regular  board- 
er, and  so  felt  that  he  had  the  advantage  of 
transient  persons  like  ourselves. 

"  I  understand,"  he  said,  so  suddenly 
that  it  made  me  jump, ' '  that  there  are  eleven 
hundred  and  seventy-two  persons  living,  de- 
scendants of  Mary  Stuart,  of  whom  six  hun- 
dred and  seventeen  have  a  better  claim  to 
the  English  Crown  than  Queen  Victoria.  Is 
that  so?  " 

What  were  we  to  say !  None  of  us  knew, 
none  of  us  had  an  idea.  If  he  had  thrown  a 
poached  egg  at  us,  we  should  not  have  been 
more  dumfounded.  Kaye  was  the  first  to 
recover  his  presence  of  mind. 

"  I  have  no  knowledge  of  Jacobite  sta- 
tistics, ' '  he  said. 

319 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

11  Got  no  use  for  'em  over  there,  eh  I 
Well,  it's  funny  how  I  generally  manage  to 
ask  an  Englishman  a  question  he  can't  an- 
swer. Been  long  in  the  United  States?  " 

"  About  three  months." 

"  That's  long  enough  for  a  good  look 
round.  Well,  sir,  now  you've  seen  popular 
government,  what  do  you  think  of  legislation 
by  the  upper  classes  only,  which  I  under- 
stand is  your  system?  " 

"  I  wish  it  were,"  replied  my  husband. 
"  The  member  for  our  place  is  a  bounder. 
Brings  his  own  cigars  with  him  when  he 
dines  with  you." 

"  That's  the  chap,  isn't  it,  that  wants  to 
marry  his  deceased  wife's  sister?  "  put  in 
Bobs  languidly.  "I  know  him.  Awful  brute." 

"  Why  in  Sam  Hill  shouldn't  he?  "  ex- 
claimed the  man.  "  But  that's  not  saying 
what  you  think  of  your  system  of  govern- 
ment now  you've  seen  ours,"  he  added, 
shrewdly. 

"  I  think  rather  more  of  it  than  I  did," 
said  Kaye.  "  Thanks  for  the  mustard,  Ing- 
ham.  We're  pretty  bad,  but  I  see  we're  not 
so  bad  as  we  might  be.  We're  still  a  little 
particular  about  the  men  we  give  the  job  to. 
A  lot  of  little  things  come  up  in  Parliament 
one  way  and  another  that  we  like  to  have 
320 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

properly  looked  after,  and  we'd  hate  to  see 
a  chap  making  money  there.  No,  the  man 
in  the  street  isn't  good  enough  to  spend  our 
taxes  for  us  yet;  and  the  wonder  to  me  is," 
concluded  Kaye,  twisting  his  moustache  in 
a  manner  of  which  I  felt  extremely  proud, 
"  that  you  put  up  with  him  over  here  as 
you  do." 

"  The  theory  of  the  American  constitu- 
tion is,  sir,  that  one  man  is  as  good  for  that 
purpose  as  another." 

"  I've  been  noticing,"  said  Kaye,  "  how 
it  works  out. ' ' 

"  You  have  only  to  look  at  the  country, 
sir." 

"It's  a  wonderful  country,"  remarked 
my  husband,  ' '  in  spite  of  everything. ' ' 

"  On  that  principle,"  continued  the  man 
opposite,  "  we  fill  our  civil  service,  our  con- 
sular and  diplomatic  agencies." 

11  We  do,  the  Lord  help  us !  "  put  in  Vio- 
let Ham;  at  which  Verona  cast  upon  her  a 
glance  of  indignation,  and  Val  Ingham  gave 
her  a  sympathetic  smile.  ' '  Shall  we  get  our 
hats?  "  she  said  to  Verona;  and  we  all  got 
up.  I  had  breakfasted  in  mine,  and  I  fol- 
lowed Kaye  out  to  the  verandah.  So  did  the 
man  opposite;  and  while  we  waited  for  the 
others,  he  began  again. 
321 


Those  Delightful   Americans 

"  I  understood,  sir,  from  what  you  said 
last  night,  that  you  were  pretty  favourably 
impressed  with  the  country — what  you'd 
seen  of  it.  Think  I  heard  you  kind  of  ad- 
mirin'  the  way  our  Jackies  fixed  up  things 
in  Manila?  " 

' '  Favourably  impressed !  I  should  think 
so.  You've  done  things  in  mechanics  I 
wouldn't  have  believed  of  the  devil,"  replied 
my  husband,  candidly ;  ' '  and  as  to  this  cam- 
paign in  Cuba  and  the  Philippines,  I'm 
proud  of  it." 

"  You're  proud  of  it,"  repeated  the  man 
no  longer  opposite.  "  May  I  ask  if  I've 
been  mistaken  in  supposing  you're  an  Eng- 
lishman? " 

"  You  have  not." 

"  Going  to  settle  in  this  country?  " 

"No." 

"  Married  to  an  American  lady?  " 

"No!"  I  cried,  laughing.  "I'm  just 
as  English  as  he  is." 

"  Then  I'm  blamed  if  I  can  see  why  you 
should  be  proud  of  it." 

"  Well,"  said  Kaye,  "I'm  not  proud  of 
it  at  all,  if  that  makes  it  any  clearer.  That 
official  report  from  the  Admiral  in  com- 
mand who  wired  that  he  had  the  pleasure 
of  making  the  American  nation  a  Fourth 
322 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

of  July  present  of  the  Spanish  fleet,  for  in- 
stance, I  should  say,  was  the  most  indecent 
contribution  ever  made  to  Blue  Books  in 
the  English  language.  I  was  ashamed  of 
that." 

"  Oh,  now  you're  talking  through  your 
hat!  And  what's  more,  I  don't  see  you've 
got  any  call  to  express  feelings  about  it  one 
way  or  another." 

"  You  asked  me,"  said  Kaye. 

"  I  asked  for  an  opinion,"  retorted  the 
Yankee. 

"  Got  you  there,  dear,"  I  murmured  at 
my  husband's  elbow. 

Kaye  was  picking  out  a  cigar  from  a  box 
of  Val  Ingham's,  and  did  not  reply  until  he 
had  made  a  careful  selection.  Deliberation 
is  a  leading  characteristic  of  Kaye's. 

"  Sorry  if  you  don't  like  it,"  he  said, 
* '  but  we  've  got  rather  a  strong  feeling  about 
Americans  in  England — family  feeling.  You 
come  of  the  old  stock,  you  see;  in  the  eyes 
of  the  world  we  're  originally  responsible  for 
you;  we  can't  help  being  more  or  less  grati- 
fied about  that,  you  know.  I  expect  the 
Dutchies  are  fairly  proud  of  the  Boers, 
though  they've  degenerated  in  some  re- 
spects, while  you've  improved — in  some  re- 
spects." 

323 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  You've  got  a  cold  nerve,"  said  the  man, 
now  in  the  rocking-chair. 

"  By  all  the  laws  of  nature,"  continued 
Kaye — "  These  are  rattling  good  Havanas. 
They  belong  to  another  man,  but  I  guess  I 
can  offer  you  one.  No? — By  all  the  laws  of 
nature  you  belong  to  us,  though  you  happen 
to  prefer  a  different  domestic  arrange- 
ment  " 

"  Which  has  been  going  on  for  a  century 
and  a  quarter,  and  turning  out  a  new  race 
right  along." 

"  Oh,  no.  What's  a  hundred  and  twenty- 
five  years?  With  constant  immigration  and 
communication.  You  can't  get  away  from 
us  so  soon  as  that, ' '  declared  my  husband. 

"  Excuse  me,  sir,"  replied  the  American, 
resolutely.  "  Queen  Victoria  was  no  grand- 
ma of  mine. ' ' 

"  And  the  long  and  the  short  of  it  is," 
Kaye  went  on,  "  that  you  can't  do  a  single 
thing,  good  or  bad,  that  doesn't  reflect  in  a 
manner  upon  us.  Just  as  we  can't  do  a 
single  thing,  good  or  bad,  that  doesn't  reflect 
in  a  manner  upon  you.  England  is  your 
grandma,  if  ever  you  had  one — Nelson's 
your  grandpa  anyway,  the  likeness  is  per- 
fectly ridiculous." 

Something  in  this  idea  seemed  to  please 
324 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

the  American  better,  for  his  laugh,  though 
rather  unwilling,  was  quite  friendly. 

"  Why,  sure,"  he  said,  "  if  you've  a  mind 
to  look  at  it  that  way.  But  it  about  uses  me 
up  to  hear  an  Englishman  say  so." 

He  took  his  leave,  to  catch  the  train  for 
Buffalo ;  and  when  he  had  gone,  I  asked  my 
husband  how  soon  he  was  going  to  claim  the 
United  States  as  the  most  autonomous  of  the 
various  parts  of  the  Empire.  I  also  assured 
him  that  during  the  whole  of  the  conversa- 
tion I  have  reported,  he  talked  just  like  an 
American,  which  anyone  who  has  travelled 
in  the  States  would  admit,  I  think. 

Next  day  we  went  on  to  the  Adirondacks 
— not  by  the  Empire  State.  Our  party  was 
divided  equally  to  a  hair  upon  that ;  but  Vio- 
let's  section  gracefully  conceded  the  point 
to  our  unprogressiveness.  Into  the  wild 
sweet  country  of  the  Adirondacks  we 
climbed, — a  long  slow  climb  from  the  Great 
Lake  Level,  with  a  train-load  of  people  go- 
ing to  shoot  and  fish  and  golf  there.  As  we 
climbed,  hills  began  to  lift  themselves  in  the 
distance,  low  ridges  that  grew  higher  and 
bluer;  rocks  and  fir-trees  came  close  to  the 
line,  and  now  and  then  a  torrent,  and  now 
and  then  a  little  quiet  lake  smiling  in  the 
evening  light.  The  sweetest  breath  I  have 
325 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

ever  drawn  came  to  me  through  the  open 
windows,  an  air  soft  and  buoyant  and  caress- 
ing, a  celestial  air.  We  passed  Saranac; 
and  one  thought  of  Stevenson,  with  an 
acuter  sadness  that  he  should  have  fought 
and  not  prevailed  even  here.  And  there  at 
six  o'clock,  at  the  little  wooden  station  of 
Massauqua,  were  the  dear  welcoming  Ad- 
amses saying  they  thought  they  never  should 
see  us  again,  and  other  things  calculated, 
with  the  nectar  of  that  air,  to  make  one 
as  happy  as  it  is  possible  to  feel  on  earth. 

We  had  a  ten-mile  drive  through  the 
woods,  woods  that  might  be  lonely  if  they 
were  not  so  full  of  their  own  friendliness  and 
sweetness — oh,  the  dryads  are  good  company 
there,  bursting  with  unwritten  poems  and 
admirable  quaint  sayings.  Once  a  deer 
tossed  his  antlers  in  the  distance,  and  rasp- 
berry bushes,  thick  with  the  wild  red  fruit, 
lined  the  roads  on  both  sides  all  the  way.  I 
put  my  hand  out  from  the  break  and  gath- 
ered some  as  they  swished  past — half  a 
dozen  on  a  stalk,  sweet,  delicious.  We  came 
to  a  fir-fringed  lake  dimpling  in  a  very  co- 
quetry of  silence ;  and  here  the  road  divided, 
leading  round  one  side  of  the  Bosk,  and 
round  the  other  to  a  big  hotel,  where  we 
could  see  a  hundred  lights  and  hear  a  band. 
326 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

Mr.  Adams  explained  with  some  pride  that 
the  Bosk  was  there  before  the  hotel;  and 
when  we  cried  what  a  shame  it  was  that  his 
lovely  solitude  should  be  invaded,  he  ex- 
plained that  he  had  sold  the  hotel  com- 
pany their  site,  and  so  took  a  more  cheerful 
view. 

It  was  dark  by  the  time  we  reached  the 
house;  but  by  the  light  that  streamed  from 
the  verandah,  as  Val  Ingham  stood  helping 
us  out  in  turn,  I  read  the  glance  Mrs.  Adams 
sent  me.  It  was  a  glance  of  interrogation, 
and  I  knew  very  well  what  it  asked.  It  was 
depressing  and  a  little  humiliating  to  be 
obliged  to  shake  my  head. 


327 


CHAPTER   XXVII 

AMERICANS  certainly  have  an  idea  of  inter- 
preting things  properly.  When  they  live  in  a 
palace  they  are  palatial;  when  they  live  in  a 
bosk  they  are  bosky.  There  wasn't  a  bed  in 
the  Adamses'  house;  we  slept  upon  low  cots 
filled  with  balsam  twigs,  aromatic  and  dream- 
ful. No  paint  or  varnish  anywhere;  all  the 
decorations  in  the  natural  bark ;  all  the  furni- 
ture knocked  together  with  the  natural 
branches.  The  chimneys  and  the  fire-places 
were  built  of  rough  small  stones  and  mortar ; 
I  had  a  fungus  for  a  pin-cushion.  The  forest 
did  it  all — all  but  the  dinner.  We  expected 
venison  chops  and  potatoes,  and  for  what  we 
were  about  to  receive  felt  very  thankful;  we 
were  given  a  dinner  of  courses  in  the  best 
New  York  manner.  Mr.  Adams'  reliance 
upon  the  wilderness  stopped  there;  he  would 
not  try  Nature  too  far,  I  suppose.  He  pro- 
visioned the  Bosk  by  rail  from  New  York, 
from  the  canvas-backs  to  the  peaches,  and  it 
was  an  arrangement  that  no  doubt  gave  us  by 
contrast  a  deeper  appreciation  of  the  primi- 
328 


Those  Delightful   Americans 

tive.  At  all  events  nobody  complained  of  the 
inconsistency. 

It  was  delicious,  next  morning,  to  be  alive 
in  that  sweet  and  tangled  Adirondack  solitude. 
There  was  no  escaping  the  charm  of  it;  the 
scent  of  the  balsam  came  in  everywhere.  The 
Bosk  was  a  hunter 's  lodge,  but  hunters '  lodges 
have  verandahs  in  America ;  and  we  sat  in  this 
one  and  looked  out  on  a  forest  wilderness  full 
of  dreams.  The  lake  had  pearly  breadths  in 
the  morning  light ;  the  firs  stood  in  rows  look- 
ing into  it  over  each  other's  shoulders ;  we  saw 
that  there  were  turns  and  inlets  deep  in  clear 
brown  shadow  where  it  slipped  closer  under 
them.  In  the  very  middle  lay  a  tiny  skiff 
from  which  a  man  from  the  hotel  in  a  striped 
blazer  sat  contemplative.  We  hated  the  man 
in  the  striped  blazer  because  he  came  from 
the  hotel;  perhaps  he  considered  that  we  on 
our  verandah  also  blotted  the  scene. 

I  did  not  wish,  for  reasons  of  my  own,  to 
be  led  into  a  tetc-a-tete  with  Mrs.  Adams  im- 
mediately. I  had  not  made  up  my  mind  how 
much  to  tell  her  of  the  situation  between  Val 
Ingham  and  Verona,  as  I  had  observed  it. 
One  always  runs  the  risk  of  being  charged 
with  indecency  in  having  observed  it  at  all. 
So  Kaye  and  I  were  both  keeping  our  hostess 
company  in  the  verandah — the  rest  had  gone 
329 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

to  find  a  wonderful  spring — when  a  surprise 
arrived  in  the  shape  of  Mr.  Jacob  Ham. 
There  had  been  half  a  promise  that  both  Mr. 
and  Mrs.  Ham  would  ' i  run  up  ' '  from  Belle- 
vue  for  a  week  or  so  later,  and  stay  at  the 
Massauqua  House,  taking  Violet  back  with 
them  when  our  party  broke  up ;  but  the  soli- 
tary appearance  of  Mr.  Ham  within  five  days 
of  our  farewells  foreclosed  this  expectation 
somewhat  suddenly.  The  moment  I  recog- 
nised the  little  desiccated  old  gentleman  I  was 
filled  with  the  wildest  forebodings  and  imag- 
inings. Had  he  decided  that  Bobs,  after  all, 
wouldn't  do?  Had  Frances  written!  Had 
he  lost  all  his  money  and  come  to  say  that 
he  could  not  now  afford  to  give  Violet  a  title 
—I  mean  that  Bobs  could  not  afford  to  give 
her  one  with  her  expensive  tastes?  That 
would  be  annoying,  after  all  the  trouble  one 
had  taken  to  feel  the  proper  kind  of  affection 
for  Violet,  but  strictly  honourable. 

It  was  quite  an  unnecessary  flutter.  Mr. 
Ham  made  his  little  ceremonious  entrance 
among  our  wonders  and  exclamations,  told 
Mrs.  Adams  he  was  very  pleased  to  make  her 
acquaintance — it  was  the  oddest  thing,  but  he 
had  never  met  her  before — sat  down  comfort- 
ably in  a  hemlock  rocking-chair  with  pine- 
needle  cushions,  and  remarked  that  this  was 
330 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

better  than  New  York  city  any  day  in  the  week. 
One  hesitated  always  to  ask  Mr.  Ham  questions 
of  a  personal  nature,  he  looked  such  a  little 
grey  locked  box  of  private  affairs;  so  after 
ascertaining  that  Mrs.  Ham  was  still  at  Belle- 
vue,  we  let  him  take  his  own  time  in  accounting 
for  himself. 

"  I  hope  you  are  comfortable  at  the  hotel, 
Mr.  Ham?  "  said  Mrs.  Adams.  "  I  wish  we 
could  take  you  in — put  you  up,  isn  't  that  what 
you  say  in  England,  Mrs.  Kemball? — here  at 
the  Bosk,  but— 

11  You're  a  considerable-sized  crowd  al- 
ready," Mr.  Ham  finished  for  her  good-hu- 
mouredly.  "  Yes,  it's  a  pretty  good  hotel. 
They've  got  Charles  P.  Seaforth  to  manage 
it  from  the  Vandyke  House,  New  York.  That's 
all  the  recommendation  I  wanted. ' '  Mr.  Ham 
mentioned  the  name  of  Charles  P.  Seaforth 
with  what  we  thought  extraordinary  respect; 
but  we  did  not  know  then  that  hotel  man- 
agement was  one  of  the  finest  American 
arts,  and  that  soaring  reputations  are  made 
in  it. 

"  They  came  pretty  near  losing  him  in 
June,  I  hear,  by  some  interference  on  the  part 
of  the  directors.  They  wanted  the  golf-links 
over  towards  the  village,  and  Seaforth  wanted 
'em  somewhere  else.  Charles  P.  Seaforth  is 
331 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

not  a  man  to  stand  any  bossing ;  they  might  Ve 
known  that." 

"  Are  the  rooms  good?  "  asked  Kaye. 

"  Why,  yes — mine's  all  right.  But  I  kind 
of  feel  as  if  I'd  been  compounding  a  felony  or 
something  about  that  room.  You  see  I  came 
in  by  the  late  train  last  night,  and  I  got  num- 
ber twenty-two.  This  morning  after  breakfast 
when  I  was  waiting  in  the  office  for  my  mail,  I 
heard  a  pretty  mad  woman  tackle  Seaforth 
about  number  twenty-two.  '  You  promised  it  to 
us,  in  addition  to  the  one  we  have,  the  minute 
it  was  vacant,  Mr.  Seaforth,'  says  she.  '  It's 
next  door,  and  communicating  with  number 
twenty-four  where  we  are,  and  you  know  I 
told  you  how  uncomfortable  Mr.  Peterson  and 
I  were  in  that  small  number  twenty-four.' 
'  Well,  madam,'  says  Seaforth,  quite  polite, 
'  the  hotel's  full  up,  and  it's  gone  now,  and 
that's  all  there  is  about  it.'  '  Well,  I  think 
it's  a  funny  thing  that  you  can't  keep  your 
promises,'  says  she,  rather  short.  '  And  / 
think  it's  a  funny  thing  you  and  your  husband 
can't  occupy  the  same  room,'  says  Seaforth. 
I  expect  by  this  time  he  was  riled.  That's  the 
kind  of  man  to  have  for  a  hotel  manager," 
added  Mr.  Ham  approvingly;  "  up  to  an 
emergency  every  time." 

Silence  fell.  We  all  looked  away  across  the 
332 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

landscape.  Mrs.  Adams  remembered  that  she 
had  orders  to  give  the  cook.  "  You'll  stay  for 
luncheon  of  course,  Mr.  Ham,"  she  said,  and 
disappeared.  We  sat  alone  with  our  late  host 
on  the  borders  of  Massauqua  Lake. 

"  I  haven't  been  sleeping  well  lately,"  he 
said,  "  and  I've  had  a  touch  of  hay-fever." 
As  if  in  recollection  of  the  hay-fever  he  took 
out  his  handkerchief  and  tried  to  blow  his 
nose;  but  one  could  not  think  the  symptoms 
very  pronounced. 

"  Pm  sorry  to  hear  that, ' '  said  I.  ' «  So  the 
doctor  ordered  you  off  to  the  country?  Very 
wise,  I'm  sure." 

"  "Well,  no,"  said  Mr.  Ham  conscientious- 
ly. "I  can't  say  I  saw  any  doctor.  I'm  my 
own  doctor  most  of  the  time.  I  knew  I  could 
rely  on  the  air  of  these  parts." 

"  You  were  intending,"  I  ventured,  "  to 
come  here  later  in  any  case?  " 

"  That's  right — I  was.  I'm  exactly  three 
weeks  ahead  of  my  date. ' '  Mr.  Ham  paused. 
"  As  a  rule,"  he  continued,  "  I  don't  do 
things  like  that.  I  stick  to  my  dates,  as  a 
rule." 

11  I  guess  it  was  lonesomeness,"  he  struck 

out,  slapping  the  arm  of  his  chair  with  a 

sprightly  hand.    "  Lonesomeness  after  you'd 

all  gone  away  that  brought  me  along — eh  I  " 

22  333 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  Was  it,  Mr.  Ham?  "  I  said;  "  that's 
nice." 

"  Well,  no,"  he  replied,  "I'd  like  to  say 
it  was,  but  it  wasn't.  That's  not  saying  you're 
not  missed,  either.  But  the  real  reason  I'm 
here,  Mrs.  Kemball,  three  weeks  ahead  of  my 
date  in  this  crazy  way,  is  Henry  Bird. ' ' 

"  Henry  Bird?  "  cried  Kaye  and  I  to- 
gether. ' '  What  in  the  name  of  conscience  has 
he  been  up  to?  "  demanded  my  husband. 

Mr.  Ham  put  up  a  calming  hand.  "  I've 
got  no  complaint  to  make  of  Henry  Bird, ' '  he 
said.  "  None  whatever.  Henry  Bird  is  a 
good,  respectable  man." 

' '  Up  to  his  work, ' '  said  Kaye. 

* '  Oh,  up  to  it !  And  down  to  it !  And  the 
whole  enduring  time  " — Mr.  Ham  fixed  his 
thumbs  in  the  armholes  of  his  waistcoat — ' '  be- 
hind my  chair. " 

' '  If  that's  all, ' '  said  I, ' '  why  not  send  him 
out  of  the  room?  " 

"  Send  Henry  Bird  out  of  the  room?  No. 
I'd  as  soon  send  my  grandfather  out  of  the 
room. ' ' 

We  all  laughed,  of  course.  "  Oh,  he's  quite 
accustomed  to  it, ' '  said  Kaye. 

1 1  That 's  just  it, ' '  said  Mr.  Ham.  ' '  That 's 
another  thing  against  Henry  Bird.  He  looks 
as  if  he  were  accustomed  to  it — to  that  kind  of 
334 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

treatment.  He  looks  as  if  he  expected  me  to 
give  it  to  him.  He  stands  there  humble  and 
patient  waitin'  for  something  mean  to  be  said 
to  him  as  if  it  was  part  of  the  contract. ' ' 

"  Oh,  that's  only  his  expression,"  said 
Kaye.  * '  It  doesn  't  signify  anything. ' ' 

"  It  signifies  a  lot  to  me.  And  he's  that 
watchful !  He  knows  exactly  how  many  more 
mouthf uls  there  are  on  your  plate,  and  before 
I've  made  up  my  mind  whether  I'll  have 
another  help  or  not,  he 's  got  the  plate. ' ' 

' '  Soon  cure  him  of  that, ' '  said  Kaye. 

"  Well,  I  don't  like  to  try.  Another  thing, 
since  Henry  Bird's  been  in  the  house  I  don't 
get  any  more  comfort  with  Jake.  Jake's  so 
taken  up  with  him  and  he's  so  taken  up  with 
Jake.  Only  night  before  last  I  went  round 
back  to  give  Jake  the  evening  paper  and  get 
his  opinion  on  one  or  two  points — he's  a 
sharper  man  than  you'd  think  for,  just  to  see 
him  round  in  his  shirt  sleeves,  Jake  is — and  I 
found  'em  both  red  hot  about  Lord  Rosebery. 
'  When  a  Liberal  wins  the  Derby,'  Bird  was 
saying,  '  you  can  generally  put  him  down  to 
be  a  gentleman  in  spite  of  his  politics.  There 
ain't  no  better  blood  in  England  than  some  of 
them  old  Whig  families,'  and  Jake  was  all 
ears.  '  Well,  now,'  I  said,  stepping  up,  *  what's 
to  prevent  a  Liberal  being  a  gentleman  that 
335 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

doesn't  win  the  Derby?  I  never  heard  of 
Gladstone  winning  as  much  as  a  sack  race.' 
*  That's  so,'  says  Jake,  *  neither  did  I.'  Bird 
looked  kind  of  foolish,  as  if  he'd  been  caught 
out  where  he  hadn't  any  business.  '  No,  sir,' 
he  said,  '  Mr.  Gladstone  wasn't  what  you'd 
call  a  sporting  character  in  any  sense,  but  if 
you'll  excuse  me,  sir,  there  is  a  good  many 
families  in  England  where  he  wouldn't  be 
thought  exactly  a  gentleman  either,  sir.' 
Well,  we  went  on  talking.  I  wasn't  going  to 
leave  such  nonsense  as  that  in  any  human 
being's  head  and  not  have  a  try  at  making 
him  see  sense;  but  it  wasn't  any  good;  we 
hadn't  what  you  might  call  an  intelligent  con- 
versation. I  could  see  it  was  a  case  of  two 's 
company,  so  I  went  along  and  had  a  look 
at  the  beans  by  myself.  Jake  never  stirred 
to  come  with  me,  and  I  wasn't  going  to  ask 
him." 

We  followed  this  recital  with  the  closest 
interest,  you  may  be  sure;  but  I  really  could 
not  see  that  Bird  was  in  any  way  to  blame. 
Kaye  reverted  to  the  man's  legitimate  duties. 
"  Why  don't  you  have  him  put  the  things  on 
the  table  and  wait  outside  for  the  bell?  "  he 
asked. 

"  Just  so.  I  would,  only  for  Mrs.  Ham. 
Ma  likes  him  where  she  can  look  at  him,  walk- 
336 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

ing  round  that  way  with  the  potatoes.  The 
things  that  rile  me  about  Heniy  Bird  please 
her  down  to  the  ground.  I  notice  she's  getting 
quite  haughty  with  him,  too — she  says  it 
makes  him  more  cheerful  and  contented." 

"  Get  Mrs.  Ham  away?  "  continued  Mr. 
Ham,  while  Kaye  frowned  upon  the  situation 
and  I  rocked  thoughtfully.  "  Not  for  a  good 
while  yet.  She  prefers  to  sit  there  at  home  in 
Bellevue  and  enjoy  having  a  butler.  She  says 
it's  the  first  time  in  all  her  born  days  she's 
had  any  real  comfort  with  a  servant,  and  now 
she's  going  to  take  it.  She'll  have  to  take  it 
for  the  two  of  us." 

I  saw  that  my  husband's  mind  had  wan- 
dered from  Mr.  Ham's  domestic  perplexities. 
He  asked  me  if  I  had  unpacked  his  tweed 
cap,  and  that  was  an  invitation  to  go  and 
to  get  it  that  I  had  the  presence  of  mind  to 
accept. 

"  Oh,  don't  you  bother,"  he  said,  and  fol- 
lowed me  into  the  house.  There  he  laid  a 
finger  on  my  arm.  "  Don't  scream,"  he 
said.  "I'm  going  to  take  the  old  chap  out 
for  a  walk,  and  do  Bobs '  business  for  him. ' ' 

' '  Heavens !  "  I  exclaimed  in  a  low  voice, 
"  do  you  think  you'd  better?  " 

"  Bather,"  said  Kaye,  "  Bobs  will  be  aw- 
fully grateful.  He  bitterly  regretted  not  let- 
337 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

ting  me  do  it  before — thought  himself  no  end 
of  an  ass." 

I  kept  a  detaining  hand  upon  my  hus- 
band's person,  debating  this  bold  step,  but 
he  shook  it  off. 

"  I  mustn't  lose  this  opportunity,"  he 
said.  "  He's  off  to-morrow  or  the  next  day 
to  Paul  Smith's — didn't  you  hear  him  say? 
— to  see  a  man.  Ten  to  one  I  won't  get  an- 
other chance." 

I  saw  them  start  from  the  verandah  in 
doubt  and  apprehension.  Nobody  admires  my 
husband's  many  talents  more  than  I  do,  but 
he  is  not  a  person  to  intrust  with  a  delicate 
negotiation. 

Before  they  returned  the  others  had  come 
in,  and  there  was  the  hurly-burly  of  lunch.  By 
the  way  Kaye  avoided  my  eye  and  kept  out  of 
my  neighbourhood,  I  suspected  the  worst,  and 
I  thought  of  twenty  ways  in  which  he  might 
have  made  a  muddle  of  it.  There  comes  a  time 
when  one's  husband  must  dress  for  dinner, 
however,  and  I  held  my  speculations  in  hand 
till  then. 

"  Well!  "  I  said,  coming  in  upon  that 
operation,  "  may  I  ask  what  hap- 
pened? " 

' '  You  are  sitting  on  my  clean  shirt.    Noth- 


338 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"I'll  get  up  if  you  find  me  a  chair.  Then 
after  all  you  didn't  speak  about  Bobs?  " 

"  I  spoke  about  him  till  I  was  black  in  the 
face, ' '  said  Kaye  crossly.  ' '  I  told  the  old  gen- 
tleman exactly  what  the  situation  was.  I  en- 
larged on  it.  I  said  I'd  never  seen  Bobs  so 
desperately  in  love  before." 

"Oh,  /  have— but  I  wouldn't  have  said 
that.  Well,  you  are  making  a  long  story  of  it. 
Will  he  have  it  or  won't  he  have  it?  " 

"  He  seemed  fairly  interested  in  the  fam- 
ily and  so  forth,  especially  in  that  connection 
with  Henry  the  Sixth,  you  know " 

"  I  know." 

"  But  he  didn't  seem  to  think  he  had  much 
to  do  with  the  matter.  He  said  there  was  no 
reason  why  Bobs  shouldn't  propose  to  his 
daughter,  so  far  as  he  knew. ' ' 

"  I  should  think  not,  indeed." 

"  But  as  to  whether  she  would  have  him 
or  not  he  couldn't  give  any  opinion.  He's  a 
leery  old  boy,  that's  what  Ham  is,  a  leery 
old  boy.  He  behaved  as  if  I  were  giving  him 
a  piece  of  interesting  gossip." 

"  Then,  of  course,"  I  said,  "  you  didn't 
approach  the  consideration  of  settlements  1  ' ' 

"  Didn't  get  within  miles  of  it.  I  don't 
think  any  harm's  done,"  added  my  hus- 
band, with  attempted  cheerfulness.  "  But 
339 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

things  are  pretty  much  where  they 
were. ' ' 

"H'm,"  said  I,  "you'll  tell  Bobs,  of 
course?  " 

' '  Oh,  of  course, ' '  replied  Kaye, '  *  in  a  day 
or  two.  There 's  no  particular  hurry. ' ' 


340 


CHAPTER  XXVIII 

IT  was  the  most  exquisite  moonlight  night. 
Kaye  and  Mr.  Adams  were  smoking  in  the 
dining-room,  the  four  interesting  members  of 
our  party  had  gone  out  upon  the  lake.  Mrs. 
Adams  and  I  sat  with  shawls  about  us  on  the 
verandah.  We  had  been  sitting  there  for  half 
an  hour,  and  Mrs.  Adams  knew  all  there  was 
to  know.  I  did  not  intend  to  tell  her  more 
than  about  half,  but  when  one  had  once  begun 
it  was  too  fascinating,  it  told  itself.  There 
were  difficulties,  for  I  could  not  expect  her  to 
approve  of  Val  Ingham's  method  of  winning 
Verona's  affections,  but  then  I  did  not  ap- 
prove of  it  particularly  either,  and  that  made 
it  easier.  Mrs.  Adams  said  about  it  that,  per- 
sonal feeling  apart,  she  perfectly  saw  Mr.  Ing- 
ham 's  idea,  but  then  she  sometimes  fancied 
she  understood  Mr.  Ingham  better  than  Ve- 
rona did,  which  was  exactly  what  I  had  often 
thought  myself. 

"  I  can't  say  I  think  it  an  idea  that  would 
appeal  to  Verona,"  said  Mrs.  Adams.  "  She's 
pretty  subtle,  but  she's  very  American.  She 
341 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

would  think  being  made  love  to  on  that  sys- 
tem almost  as  bad  as  marrying  an  English- 
man. Not  that  she  has  anything  against  Eng- 
lishmen, you  know,  only  she — 

"  Objects  to  them  on  patriotic  grounds," 
I  said.  "  Of  course  her  objection  must  be 
purely  patriotic. ' ' 

"  Oh,  certainly.  But  one  can  understand 
the  feeling." 

'  *  One  can  understand  a  corresponding  feel- 
ing, ' '  I  said  thoughtfully,  and  we  rocked  for  a 
moment  in  silence. 

"  I  am  glad  to  think  there  is  no — no 
sentiment  of  that  kind  about  Violet,"  I  re- 
sumed. "  She  has  travelled  so  much,  hasn't 
she  f  But  of  course  there  may  be  financial  dif- 
ficulties. Mr.  Ham  may  not  see  his  way — 

"  Mr.  Ham  will  see  his  way  to  anything 
Violet  wants,"  said  Mrs.  Adams  decidedly. 
"  And  of  course  she'll  want  Lord  Eobert.  He 
is  such  a  dear,  with  that  innocent  air,  like  a 
schoolboy.  People  may  say  what  they  like, 
but  there  is  a  charm  about  your  British  no- 
bility. Of  course  you  have  to  meet  them  to 
recognise  it.  Dear  me,  how  often  I  have  read 
of  these  Anglo-American  alliances,  and  how 
little  I  ever  thought  I  should  have  one  taking 
place  in  my  own  family." 

"  Ah,  well!  "  I  sighed,  "  I  hope  it  will  all 
342 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

come  right.  You  never  can  tell  what  notion 
two  girls  like  that  will  take  into  their  heads. 
Both  Val  and  Bobs  may  have  carried  their 
wretched  systems  too  far.  I  never  believed 
in  them." 

11  If  it  is  to  be  it  will  be  in  both  cases," 
said  Mrs.  Adams.  "  Surely  you  don't  think, 
Mrs.  Kemball,  that  if  these  dear  young  peo- 
ple are  real  psychological  counterparts,  are 
absolutely  essential  to  each  other's  happiness 
on  the  scale  of  the  ideal,  they  can  be  driven 
apart  by  such  a  thing  as  a  system?  " 

"  I  don't  know,"  I  said;  "  American  girls 
are  faddy.  Why,  they've  taken  the  canoes!  " 

"  Have  they?  But  they  said  they  were 
going  out  in  the  boat. ' '  I  pointed  to  the  path 
of  moonlight  on  the  lake  which  the  two  canoes 
were  crossing,  unmistakably  from  the  Bosk's 
wharf,  unmistakably  containing  two  persons 
each.  We  watched  them  for  a  moment  in  a 
silence  charged  with  happy  conclusions.  Pres- 
ently I  broke  it. 

11  If  Val  Ingham  has  taken  Verona  out 
alone  in  a  canoe,"  I  murmured. 

"  And  if  Violet  has  gone  out  with  Lord 
Eobert  alone  in  a  canoe,"  murmured  Mrs. 
Adams. 

"  It  looks  definite,"  said  I. 

"  What  a  relief!  "  exclaimed  Mrs.  Adams 
343 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

as  the  canoes  shot  into  the  shadow.  "  Could 
you  help  looking  at  them?  I  couldn't.  And 
surely  if  any  moment  of  their  lives  should  be 
sacred  from  an  intrusive  gaze  it  is  this  one." 

"  What  difference  does  it  make?  "  I  said. 
* '  They  were  nothing  but  spots  when  we  could 
see  them." 

"  Let  us  be  kind,"  said  Mrs.  Adams,  "  and 
not  even  think  of  them  just  now.  Consider 
what  a  critical  hour  it  is  with  them.  I  had  a 
kind  of  presentiment  that  something  would 
happen  to-night.  They  didn't  seem  at  all 
themselves  at  dinner.  Even  Lord  Robert  was 
distrait." 

"  I  didn't  notice,"  I  said,  "  but  who  are 
these  people!  " 

"  Mr.  Jacob  Ham,  for  one,"  replied  Mrs. 
Adams.  "  I  can't  think  who  the  lady  can  be. 
They're  coming  here,  of  course." 

We  sat  in  our  shawls  watching  the  ap- 
proach of  Mr.  Ham  and  his  companion.  Still 
less  than  Mrs.  Adams  could  I  think  who  the 
lady  could  be.  Suddenly  it  dawned  upon  me, 
and  I  assured  myself  I  was  dreaming.  Then 
the  voice  reached  me  and  assured  me  that  it 
was  no  dream.  Precipitately  I  rose,  and 
rushed  into  the  dining-room,  where  my  hus- 
band and  Mr.  Adams  lowered  astonished 
pipes. 

S4A 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  Kaye!  "  I  exclaimed,  "  who  in  the  name 
of  all  that's  amazing  do  you  imagine  is  out 
there  at  this  moment  with  Mr.  Ham?  " 

"  Well!  "  asked  Kaye. 

"  Frances!  " 

"  No !  "  exclaimed  my  husband.  *  *  What 
on  earth  has  brought  her  over?  "  but  as  our 
eyes  met  we  knew  what  had  brought  her  over. 

"  It's  my  cousin,  Miss  Walden,  from  Eng- 
land, ' '  Kaye  explained  to  Mr.  Adams.  *  *  And 
we  hadn  't  a  notion  she  was  coming.  The  very 
last  person!  " 

"  Well!  "  said  Mr.  Adams,  "  don't  you 
want  to  go  and  see  her?  " 

That  brought  us  to  our  senses,  and  we  went 
out  to  find  Frances  calmly  installed  and  mak- 
ing disparaging  statements  about  the  hotel  to 
Mrs.  Adams.  It  seemed  she  was  at  the  hotel, 
had  arrived  that  afternoon,  and  had  dined 
tete-a-tete  with  Mr.  Ham.  When  she  told  us 
that,  we  knew  that  whatever  was  going  to  hap- 
pen had  happened,  which  is  not  perhaps  a  strict 
sequence  of  tenses  but  will  do  well  enough. 
Mr.  Ham  looked  as  if  he  had  been  dining 
tete-a-tete  with  Frances,  that  is,  he  looked 
roused  and  animated  and  rather  uncomfort- 
able, yet  there  was  now  and  then  a  twinkle  in 
his  eye,  as  if  in  any  combat  they  might  have 
had  he  had  not  been  altogether  worsted.  Of 
345 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

course  she  hadn't  come  over  with  a  combative 
intention,  quite  the  contrary,  but  her  discus- 
sions were  bound  to  end  up  that  way;  in  the 
nature  of  things  and  the  nature  of  Frances 
they  had  to.  I  hoped  she  hadn't  been  too  hard 
on  Bobs ;  but  she  had  come  so  far  to  set  forth 
the  truth  that  one  feared  it  might  have  gained 
an  unnecessary  impetus  on  the  journey. 
Drawing  my  chair  into  the  shadow,  I  gazed 
forebodingly  at  the  lake,  and  gave  myself  up 
to  astonishment  at  the  almost  malign  appro- 
priateness of  Miss  Walden's  arrival.  To- 
morrow would  have  been  in  all  human  prob- 
ability too  late;  we  could  have  welcomed  her 
with  mild  surprise  and  admiration  for  her 
conscientious  scruples;  she  could  have  done 
practically  no  harm  to-morrow.  But  to-night, 
exactly  at  the  moment  to  harden  Mr.  Jacob 
Ham's  heart,  and  make  him  absurdly  suspi- 
cious and  difficult  to  deal  with!  It  seemed  a 
sudden  unkindness  of  fate,  and  fate  had  al- 
ways before  been  so  bland  to  Bobs. 

There  was  no  opportunity  of  course  for 
any  private  talk  with  Prances.  She  said  in 
reply  to  our  exclamations  that  she  had  come 
over  on  some  special  business,  which  was  all 
that  the  occasion  permitted,  but  I  could  see 
that  she  was  dying  to  let  out  fifty  uncompro- 
mising things,  the  principal  one  being  that  she 
346 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

knew  she  couldn't  trust  us.  I  had  taken  Kaye's 
advice,  I  hadn't  written,  and  this  was  the 
result — she  had  come  marching  over,  colours 
flying,  to  tell  a  poor  innocent  unsophisticated 
American  billionaire  that  his  prospective  son- 
in-law,  Lord  Eobert  Walden,  of  the  Tenth 
Coldbrooks,  had  never  had  quite  as  much 
money  as  he  wanted  to  spend,  but  had  inva- 
riably spent  it  all  the  same. 

Frances  and  the  Adamses  talked,  Mr.  Ham 
and  Kaye  and  I  sat  and  listened.  Gradually 
it  became  only  Frances  who  talked,  and  the 
Adamses  also  listened.  She  discussed  demo- 
cratic institutions  as  if  she  had  invented  them, 
and  approved  of  the  American  Republic  as  if 
she  had  brought  it  up.  She  was  encouraging 
about  political  rings  and  bosses,  she  said  such 
scandals  were  incident  to  the  growth  and  de- 
velopment of  a  people;  she  herself  took  an 
optimistic  view ;  quite  expected  a  moral  sense 
to  appear  and  influence  American  politics  be- 
fore the  end  of  another  century.  The  kinder 
she  became  in  her  beliefs  and  expectations, 
the  more  silent  grew  the  Adamses,  but  mono- 
logue had  no  embarrassment  for  Frances:  I 
suppose  she  inherited  a  pulpit  facility  from 
the  bishop.  She  held  forth  without  flagging, 
and  the  rest  of  us  waited  for  the  splash  of 
the  paddles. 

347 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

"  Surely,"  she  interrupted  herself  to  say, 
"  it's  very  late  for  these  young  people  to  be 
out." 

That  was  what  we  were  all  thinking,  but 
not  one  of  us  dreamed  of  going  in.  There  was 
a  compulsion  upon  us  all  to  stay  in  the  veran- 
dah and  receive  the  young  people,  a  kind  of 
excited  prescience  of  a  moment  of  high  con- 
gratulation, or  perhaps  it  was  only  a  happy 
anxiety  to  assure  ourselves  that  they  had  not 
been  drowned.  We  drew  our  shawls  closer 
about  us,  and  thrust  our  hands  deeper  into 
our  trouser  pockets,  and  sat  still  in  a  half 
circle  almost  indistinguishable  among  the 
black  and  white  shadows  of  the  moonlight.  At 
last  we  heard  voices,  and  then  silence  fell 
even  upon  Frances — it  was  a  conscious  con- 
spiracy— and  we  sat  like  six  statues.  It 
wasn't  really  fair. 

As  the  first  pair  came  round  the  little  bend 
in  the  path  to  the  house  I  grasped  the  arms 
of  my  chair  with  both  hands  and  put  my  foot 
with  meaning  emphasis  upon  Kaye's.  They 
came  up  the  path  swinging  hands;  she  was 
singing  something  soft  and  gay.  I  knew  it 
was  Bobs  by  his  shoulders,  but  I  had  never 
heard  Violet  sing  before.  Then,  as  they 
stopped  swinging  hands,  and  just  in  time,  I 
am  sure,  a  sudden  stentorian,  unnatural  cough 
^348 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

from  Kaye  brought  about  a  standstill  and  a 
separation.  We  all  pushed  our  chairs  about 
and  began  to  talk  volubly  at  once,  but  nobody 
was  imposed  upon,  neither  the  couple  on  the 
path  nor  any  single  guilty  soul  of  us.  We  all 
knew  that  we  had  seen  that  which  we  ought 
not  to  have  seen,  and  they,  poor  things,  knew 
it  too. 

"  Where  are  Mr.  Ingham  and  Verona?  " 
cried  Mrs.  Adams,  to  cover  the  situation. 

For  an  instant  they  hesitated  and  con- 
ferred, then  we  heard  them  laugh,  and  they 
came  briskly  up. 

"  Here  is  Verona,"  cried  Bobs  audacious- 
ly, some  paces  off ;  "  we  passed  Ingham  and 
Miss  Ham  ten  minutes  ago,  sitting  on  a  stump. 
They  told  us  to  go  away." 

Verona ! 

I  thought  it  was  a  joke ;  I  did  not  just  at 
first  take  it  in.  It  could  not  be  Verona.  She 
was  unwealthed ;  besides,  had  not  Bobs  been, 
up  to  a  month  ago,  more  in  love  with  Violet 
Ham  than  he  ever  was  before  with  anybody? 
It  flashed  upon  me  that  we  had  simply  sur- 
prised an  outrageous  flirtation,  and  that  our 
reasonable  and  proper  expectations  were  to  be 
disappointed  for  the  twentieth  time;  and  in 
that  brief  instant  I  decided  that  I  would  posi- 
tively wash  my  hands  of  the  whole  affair;  it 
23  349 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

wasn't  worth  the  trouble  and  anxiety.  I  don't 
know  what  the  rest  were  thinking  of  while 
this  was  passing  through  my  mind.  Frances 
was  announcing  herself  to  her  nephew,  and 
this  of  course  covered  the  embarrassment 
everybody  felt.  And  Frances  was  not  a  per- 
son to  be  kept  long  in  doubt  about  anything. 
Turning  graciously — for  her — to  Verona, 
who  had  apparently  forgotten  that  she  was 
looking  very  charming  in  Bobs'  Inverness 
cape,  '  *  And  this  is  the  young  lady, ' '  she  said, 
"  whom  we  hope,  when  all  is  made  clear,  to 
be  allowed  to  welcome  in  our  family — Miss 
Ham,  I  believe." 

' '  This  is  the  young  lady ;  but  her  name  is 
Miss  Daly,  Aunt  Frank,"  said  poor  Bobs, 
making  everything,  with  those  few  words, 
clear  beyond  surmise. 

' '  I  understood  you  to  say  '  Ham, '  ' '  Fran- 
ces addressed  me  severely.  ' '  It  is  not  a  word 
you  could  mis-spell  or  I  could  mis-read. 
H — a — m,  Ham." 

' '  A  person  may  make  a  mistake, ' '  I  cried, 
on  the  verge  of  hysterics.  * '  And  I  '11  never 
tell  you  anything  again,  Frances,  as  long  as 
I  live." 

' '  There  is  a  Miss  Ham  in  our  party,  Aunt 
Frank, ' '  said  Bobs,  with  an  amazing  recovery 
of  his  serenity.  ' '  You  are  quite  right,  so  far 
350 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

as  that  goes.  But  we  thought  we  ascertained 
a  few  minutes  ago — didn't  we,  Verona? — that 
she  was  engaged  to  Mr.  Valentine  Ingham,  of 
New  York.  You'll  meet  them  by  and  by  if 
you  sit  up  long  enough.  Ah,  here  they  are." 

Here  they  were  indeed,  and  for  some  silly 
reason,  perhaps  because  we  were  by  that  time 
worked  up  into  a  single  tense  interrogation,  we 
got,  unanimously,  upon  our  feet  as  they  ap- 
proached, and  shouted,  "  Well?  " 

; ;  Oh,  very  well, ' '  replied  Val  Ingham  ab- 
surdly, taking  off  his  hat  to  the  group. 

Verona,  you  see,  had  said  nothing;  she 
never  did  say  anything  at  critical  moments. 
She  smiled  through  this  one,  leaning  grace- 
fully against  a  pillar,  looking  more  detached 
and  elusive  than  ever  in  the  moonlight;  but 
the  instant  Violet  appeared  they  were  off  to- 
gether, and  I  noticed  in  the  way  they  fled  arm 
in  arm,  a  trace  of  that  same  subtle,  superior 
understanding  that  had  always  bothered  me 
about  those  girls. 

The  rest  of  us  stood  and  looked  at  each 
other  for  a  moment  in  rather  a  foolish  silence, 
and  then  Mr.  Ham  asked  Frances  if  he  might 
have  the  pleasure  of  escorting  her  to  the  hotel. 
"  Seems  to  me,"  he  said,  in  his  queer,  little 
dry  way,  "  we've  all  got  something  to  sleep 
on. "  I  never  did  really  like  Mr.  Jacob  Ham. 
351 


Those  Delightful  Americans 

We  melted  away,  all  but  Bobs  and  Mr. 
Adams,  to  whom  Bobs  offered  a  cigar  in  a 
manner  of  special  invitation.  It  was  rather 
hard  on  Mr.  Adams,  I  thought,  as  I  plunged 
into  the  matter  with  Kaye.  She  gave  them 
just  a  quarter  of  an  hour,  and  then  at  regular 
intervals  of  five  or  ten  minutes  we  heard  her 
voice  from  their  bedroom  window  calling 
across  the  moonlit  sward  to  the  verandah, 
"  Cornelius!  Cornelius!  " 

It  remains  the  experience  that  we  oftenest 
discuss  in  connection  with  our  visit  to  the 
States;  but  all  our  discussion  leaves  us  very 
little  the  wiser.  The  obstinate  fact  still  con- 
fronts us  that  at  the  beginning  of  the  summer 
Lord  Robert  Walden  and  Mr.  Valentine  Ing- 
ham  were  in  love  with  Miss  Violet  Ham  and 
Miss  Verona  Daly  respectively,  and  at  the 
end  of  it  were  engaged  to  them  irrespectively. 
Whether  the  explanation  lies  in  the  inconstant 
quality  of  the  American  heart,  as  Kaye  is  in- 
clined to  believe — but  this  does  not  explain 
Bobs — or  the  fundamental  unsoundness  of 
systems,  which  is  my  theory — and  does  ex- 
plain Bobs — or  the  simple  fact  that  the  young 
ladies  themselves  preferred  the  other  arrange- 
ment from  the  beginning,  as  we  both  some- 
times think,  we  are  unlikely  ever  to  settle ;  but 
about  one  thing  we  think  alike,  we  assure 
352 


Those  Delightful   Americans 

ourselves  that  we  took  it  much  too  seriously. 
Upon  this  point  I  had  Mrs.  Adams'  agree- 
ment; she  said  she  thought  we  expected  too 
much,  too  much  resolution  and  decision.  Love 
in  America,  she  implied,  was  a  more  aerial  and 
bodiless  thing  than  in  our  native  land,  unac- 
customed to  inspection  and  handling,  and  ex- 
tinguished by  the  very  idea  of  settlement.  I 
am  not  quite  sure  that  she  did  not  think  Val 
Ingham  would  have  married  Verona  if  he  had 
not  exhausted  his  idyll  by  confiding  it  to  me ; 
but  then  I  am  not  quite  sure  either  that  she 
would  have  been  better  pleased  if  he  had. 
"  Money,"  she  said,  "  is,  after  all,  a  very 
common  advantage ;  perhaps  Lord  Bobby  will 
make  some."  The  figure  of  young  Ingham 's 
and  Violet  Ham's  united  income  certainly  rep- 
resents an  advantage  rather  uncommon,  and 
I  fear  that  poor  Bobs  will  never  amass  the 
hundredth  part  of  it.  He  is  making  what  he 
calls  a  shot  at  it,  however.  Mr.  Adams  has  got 
him  something  in  Standard  Oil  in  Yokohama. 
It's  as  good,  socially,  as  a  consulship,  I  hear, 
and  better  paid.  And  we  are  all  very  happy, 
even  Kaye,  for  the  Inghams  have  taken  Clif- 
fenden  this  year,  and  we  are  going  up  for  the 

shooting. 

CD 

THE   END  • 


MR  STOCKTON'S   NEW  NOVEL. 


KATE     BONNET. 

The  Romance  of  a  Pirate's  Daughter.  By  FRANK 
R.  STOCKTON.  Illustrated  by  A.  I.  Keller.  icimo. 
Cloth,  $1.50. 

"  Kate  Bonnet"  is  a  novel  of  love,  incident,  adventure,  and 
humor,  and  it  has  been  called  the  most  delightful  book  that  Mr. 
Stockton  has  given  us.  A  new  story  by  this  author  is  an  event 
in  itself,  and  the  event  becomes  doubly  significant  when  we  find 
such  a  joyous  mingling  of  quaint  humor  and  unexpected  incident 
as  is  presented  in  "Kate  Bonnet."  The  daughter  of  an  aspiring 
amateur,  who  burns  to  become  a  professional  pirate — the  charm- 
ing Kate — beset  with  lovers  as  well  as  perils,  struggles  to  lead  her 
father  out  of  darkness  and  to  rescue  him  from  the  wrath  to  come. 
Captain  Bonnet  and  the  aggravatingly  loyal  Scotch  Presbyterian 
who  officiously  strives  to  save  his  soul,  are  creations  of  a  distinct- 
ive individuality.  The  romance,  which  includes  in  its  scenes 
Barbadoes  and  other  West  Indian  points  and  our  southern  sea- 
board, is  full  of  the  unexpected  turns  and  delightfully  humorous 
situations  that  Mr.  Stockton  alone  can  develop.  Nothing  so 
fresh,  picturesque,  and  amusing  has  been  presented  for  a  long 
time,  despite  the  multiplication  of  novels.  Mr.  Keller's  appreci- 
ation of  "Kate  Bonnet"  is  shown  in  the  charming  quality  of  the 
full-page  illustrations  and  the  dainty  head-pieces  which  furnish  an 
effective  accompaniment  to  the  sparkling  flow  of  Mr.  Stockton's 
story.  It  will  be  of  interest  to  book-lovers  to  know  that  "  Kate 
Bonnet"  is  printed  from  a  specially  designed  and  peculiarly 
handsome  type,  used  in  this  book  for  the  first  time. 

D.    APPLETON     AND     COMPANY,     NEW     YORK. 


RECENT   FICTION. 


Heralds  of  Empire. 

By  A.  C.  LAUT,  Author  of  "  Lords  of  the  North."  121110. 
Cloth,  $1.50. 

A  story  that  tells  of  the  days  of  Charles  II,  of  the  refugees  of  Boston  Town,  of  Puri- 
tanism and  Witchcraft,  and  of  Radisson,  that  picturesque  adventurer  who  juggled 
empires  and  who  changed  allegiance  as  readily  as  he  would  change  his  coat.  There  is 
a  tender  love  romance  running  through  the  tale  that  reaches  a  satisfactory  conclusion. 
The  language  is  the  quaint  English  of  the  period,  making  the  book  all  the  more  charm- 
ing on  that  account. 

Deep-Sea  Plunderings. 

By  FRANK  T.  BULLEN,  Author  of  "  The  Cruise  of  the 
Cachalot,"  "The  Apostles  of  the  Southeast,"  etc.  Illustrated. 
I2mo.  Cloth,  $1.50. 

Mr.  Bullen,  who  has  proved  himself  a  past  master  of  deep-water  literature,  affords 
in  these  pages  a  series  of  brilliant  and  often  dramatic  pictures  of  the  sailor's  life  and 
adventures.  While  the  picturesque  enters  into  his  book,  he  deals  also  with  the  stern 
verities  of  fo'c'sle  life,  and  he  brings  before  the  reader  strange  and  bewildering  phases 
of  deep-water  adventuring  which  will  lay  firm  hold  upon  the  imagination.  The  thrill- 
ing experiences  that  the  unknown  sailor  faces  as  a  mere  incident  of  his  daily  life,  and 
the  hardships  he  encounters,  are  pictured  with  the  vividness  and  insight  that  the  author 
of"  The  Cruise  of  the  Cachalot  "  always  realizes  so  forcibly  and  inevitably  in  his  bril- 
liant pages. 

Many  Waters. 

A  Story  of  New  York.  By  ROBERT  SHACKLETON.  i  2mo. 
Cloth,  $1.50. 

"  An  exciting  tale,  and  its  hold  on  one's  interest  is  quite  magnetic."— Philadelphia 
Item. 

"  Written  in  good  newspaper  English ;  terse,  dramatic.and  plunging  straight  ahead, 
with  none  of  the  sweet-scented  labyrinths  of  soliloquy  in  which  the  average  professional 
litterateur  halts  to  rest." — Boston  Advertiser. 

A  Damsel  or  Two. 

A  Novel.  By  F.  FRANKFORT  MOORE,  Author  of  "  The 
Jessamy  Bride,"  "A  Nest  of  Linnets,"  etc.  izmo.  Cloth,  $1.50. 

An  officer  and  a  gentleman  and  a  Napoleon  of  finance  are  two  types  contrasted  in 
this  interesting  story  of  modern  London,  suggesting  some  of  the  "promotions"  and 
consequent  entanglements  of  recent  years  and  involving  a  tale  of  love  and  loyal  friend- 
ship. 

D.    APPLETON     AND     COMPANY,     NEW    YORK. 


RECENT   FICTION. 


Shacklett. 

A   Story   of    American    Politics.       By  WALTER   BARR.       i  zmo. 

Cloth,  $1.50. 

"  As  a  picture  of  American  political  life  and  possibilities  it  is  wonderfully 
\ivid  and  truthful." — Brooklyn  Eagle. 

Four-Leaved  Clover. 

By  MAXWELL  GRAY,  author  of  "  The  Silence  of  Dean  Maitland." 
I2mo.      Cloth,  $1.00;   paper,  50  cents. 

"  An  honest  piece  of  work  by  a  story-teller  who  knows  her  trade  thor- 
oughly. ...  It  is  a  book  which  ought  to  be  in  every  hammock." — Pittiburg 

Commercial  Gazette. 

A  Woman  Alone. 

By  Mrs.  W.  K.  CLIFFORD,  author  of  "  Love  Letters  of  a  Worldly 
Woman."      i  zmo.      Cloth,  $1.00;   paper,  50  cents. 

"  Mrs.  Clifford  is  an  adroit  writer,  whose  knowledge  of  the  world  and  whose 
brilliancy  have  not  destroyed  in  her  a  simple  tenderness  to  which  every  sensitive 
reader  must  respond." — Chicago  Tribune. 

Mills  of  God. 

By    ELINOR    MACARTNEY    LANE.      Illustrated.      I  zmo.      Cloth, 
$1.50. 

"  It  is  a  good  novel  in  comparison  with  even  the  best  in  current  American 
fiction.  Its  author,  in  this  her  maiden  effort,  easily  takes  her  place  among  the 
Churchills  and  the  Johnstons  and  the  Runkles." — New  York  Herald. 

The  Seal  of  Silence. 

By  ARTHUR   R.  CONDER.      i  zmo.      Cloth,   $1.00;    paper,  50 

cents. 

"  A  novel  of  marked  originality,  of  extraordinary  strength.  .  .  .  I  recom- 
mend this  very  dramatic  and  exciting  story,  with  its  quaint  love  interest  and  its 
dry,  quiet  humor,  to  all  lovers  of  a  good  story  capitally  conceived  and  happily 
told." — GEORGE  S.  GOODWIN,  in  Philadelphia  Item. 

D.     APPLETON     AND    COMPANY,     NEW    YORK. 


BOOKS  BY  C  C  HOTCHKISS 


The  Strength  of  the  Weak. 

izmo.      Cloth,  $1.50. 

The  delightful  outdoor  quality  of  Mr.  Hotchkiss's  novel  forms  a  charming 
accompaniment  to  the  adventurous  happenings  of  the  romance.  The  author 
has  found  some  apt  suggestions  in  the  diary  of  a  soldier  of  the  New  Hampshire 
Grants,  and  these  actual  experiences  have  been  utilized  in  the  development  of 
the  tale.  The  story  is  one  of  love  and  daring  and  American  courage,  and  the 
varying  outdoor  scenes  which  succeed  each  other  as  the  tale  unfolds  provide  a 
picturesqueness  and  zest  which  show  the  increasing  power  of  an  author  whose 
previous  books  have  won  for  him  a  large  circle  of  admirers. 

Betsy  Ross. 

A  Romance  of  the  Flag.      izmo.      Cloth,  $1.50. 

"A  novelized  drama,  and  a  right  good  one,  too,  with  plenty  of  stir,  patriot- 
ism, and  love." — New  York  World. 

"  '  Betsy  Ross '  reaches  the  American  ideal  in  fiction.  It  is  the  long- 
looked-for  American  novel.  Stirring,  intense,  dealing  with  great  native 
characters,  and  recalling  some  of  the  noblest  incidents  connected  with  our 
national  history,  it  is  the  one  novel  of  the  time  that  fulfills  the  ideal  that  we 
had  all  conceived,  but  no  one  had  before  accomplished." — Philadelphia  Item. 

In  Defiance  of  the  King. 

izmo.      Cloth,  $1.00;  paper,  50  cents. 

"  As  a  love  romance  it  is  charming,  while  it  is  filled  with  thrilling  adventure 
and  deeds  of  patriotic  daring." — Boston  Advertiser. 

"A  remarkable  good  story.  .  .  .  The  heart  beats  quickly,  and  we  feel 
ourselves  taking  a  part  in  the  exciting  scenes  described,  the  popular  breeze  seizes 
upon  us  and  whirls  us  away  into  the  tumult  of  war." — Chicago  Evening  Post. 

A  Colonial  Free-Lance. 

I  zmo.      Cloth,  $1.00;  paper,  50  cents. 

"  A  fine,  stirring  picture  of  the  period,  full  of  brave  deeds,  startling  though 
not  improbable  incidents,  and  of  absorbing  interest  from  beginning  to  end." — 
Boston  Transcript. 

"  A  brave,  moving,  spirited,  readable  romance.  Every  one  of  his  pages  is 
aglow  with  the  fire  of  patriotism,  the  vigor  of  adventure,  and  the  daring  of 
reckless  bravery." — Washington  Times. 

D.    APPLETON     AND     COMPANY,    NEW    YORK. 


BOOKS  BY  FRANK  T.  BULLEN. 
Deep-Sea  Plunderings. 

Illustrated.     i2mo.     Cloth,  $1.50. 

Mr.  Bullen,  who  has  proved  himself  a  past  master  of  deep-water  litera- 
ture affords  in  these  pages  a  series  of  brilliant  and  often  dramatic  pictures 
of  the  sailor's  life  and  adventures.  While  the  picturesque  enters  into  his 
book,  he  deals  also  with  the  stern  verities  of  fo'c'sle  life,  and  he  brines 
before  the  reader  strange  and  bewildering  phases  of  deep-water  adventuring 
which  will  lay  firm  hold  upon  the  imagination. 

The  Apostles  of  the  Southeast. 

i2mo.     Cloth,  $1.50. 

"  Mr.  Bullen's  characters  are  living  ones,  his  scenes  full  of  life  and  real- 
ism, and  there  is  not  a  page  in  the  whole  book  which  is  not  brimful  of 
deepest  interest. "—Philadelphia  Item. 

The  Log  of  a  Sea- Waif. 

Being  Recollections  of  the  First  Four  Years  of  my  Sea 
Life.     Illustrated.     i2mo.     Cloth,  $1.50. 

"  So  strong,  original,  and  thrilling  as  to  hold  captive  the  attention  of 
the  mature  as  well  as  of  the  youthful  reader.  "—Philadelphia  Public  Ledger. 

The  Cruise  of  the  Cachalot, 

Round  the  World  after  Sperm  Whales.    Illustrated.   12010. 
Cloth,  $1.50. 

"  It  is  immense— there  is  no  other  word.  I've  never  read  anything  that 
equals  it  in  its  deep-sea  wonder  and  mystery,  nor  do  I  think  that  any  book 
before  has  so  completely  covered  the  whole  business  of  whale-fishing,  and,  at 
the  same  time,  given  such  real  and  new  sea  pictures.  I  congratulate  you  most 
heartily.  It's  a  new  world  you've  opened  the  door  \.o."—Rudyard  Kipling. 

Idylls  of  the  Sea. 

i2mo.     Cloth,  $1.25. 

"  Amplifies  and  intensifies  the  picture  of  the  sea  which  Mr.  Bullen  had 
already  produced.  .  .  .  Calm,  shipwreck,  the  surface  and  depths  of  the  sea, 
the  monsters  of  the  deep,  superstitions  and  tales  of  the  sailors — all  find  a 
place  in  this  strange  and  exciting  book."— Chicago  Times-Herald. 


D.  APPLETON  AND  COMPANY,  NEW  YORK. 


By  ELLEN  THORNEYCROFT  FOWLER, 


Each,  J2mo,  cloth,  $J.50. 
Sirius. 

A  new  book  by  the  author  of  "  Concerning  Isabel  Carnaby"  and  "The 
Farringdons  "  needs  no  introduction.  All  readers  of  the  best  fiction  know 
her  epigrammatic  quality  and  humor,  her  adroitness  in  the  suggestion  of 
character,  and  her  command  of  original  situations  and  unexpected  social 
climaxes.  Her  new  book  is  a  gallery  of  vivid  miniature  of  various  phases  of 
English  life.  Its  unfailing  interest  will  increase  the  author's  well-earned 
reputation. 

Cupid'S  Garden.     With  new  portrait  of  the  Author. 

"  Whatever  this  author  sends  out  has  freshness  and  originality,  and  her 
sketches  of  people  are  so  deftly  drawn  that  one  wonders  at  the  versatility. 
'  Cupid's  Garden '  is  a  collection  of  stories  of  love,  not  all  of  which  run 
smooth,  but  which  all  exhibit  some  noble  trait  of  the  tender  passion." 
—Indianapolis  News. 

The  Farringdons. 

"  Miss  Fowler  makes  her  own  audience,  which,  large  as  it  is  in  England, 
must  be  even  larger  in  this  country.  There  is  a  deeper  note  in  this  story  than 
any  she  has  yet  sounded.  .  .  .  '  The  Farringdons '  is,  above  all  else,  a  procla- 
mation to  the  world  that  the  religion  which  Christ  brought  to  humanity  is  a 
living  power,  undiminished  in  strength,  the  mainspring  of  the  actions  and 
aspirations  of  millions  of  Anglo-Saxons." — New  York  Mail  and  Express. 

Concerning  Isabel  Carnaby.     New   edition,   with 

Portrait  and  Biographical  Sketch  of  the  Author. 

"  No  one  who  reads  it  will  regret  it  or  forget  it." — Chicago  Tribune. 

"  For  brilliant  conversations,  epigrammatic  bits  of  philosophy,  keenness 
of  wit,  and  full  insight  into  human  nature,  '  Concerning  Isabel  Carnaby '  is 
a  remarkable  success." — Boston  Transcript. 

A  Double  Thread. 

11  The  excellence  of  her  writing-  makes  her  book  delightful  reading.  She 
Is  genial  and  sympathetic  without  being  futile,  and  witty  without  being 
cynical." — Literature,  London. 

D.    APPLETON    AND     COMPANY,     NEW    YORK 


F.  R  MONTRESOR'S  BOOKS. 


The  Alien,     izmo.     Cloth,  $1.50. 

Miss  Montrcsor  has  utilized  incident  and  intrigue  in  this  excellent 
story  to  give  a  vivid  delineation  of  character.  The  scene  is  laid  partly 
in  England,  and  there  are  also  glimpses  of  South  America.  The  love 
of  a  mother  for  a  prodigal,  the  self-sacrifice  of  a  woman,  and  the 
mingled  motives  of  an  adventurer,  who  plays  a  leading  part  are  all 
sketched  with  the  delicacy,  penetration,  and  grasp  of  motives  that  have 
distinguished  this  talented  author's  work. 

At  the  Cross-Roads.     i6mo.    Cloth,  $1.50. 

"  Miss  Montresor  has  the  skill  in  writing  of  Olive  Schreiner  and 
Miss  Harraden,  added  to  the  fulness  of  knowledge  of  life  which  is  a 
chief  factor  in  the  success  of  George  Eliot  and  Mrs.  Humphry  Ward. 
.  .  .  There  is  as  much  strength  in  this  book  as  in  a  dozen  ordinary 
successful  novels."— London  Literary  World. 

False  Coin  or  True?     i6mo.    Cloth,  $1.25. 

"  The  tale  never  flags  in  interest,  and  once  taken  up  will  not  be  laid 
down  until  the  last  page  is  finished."— Boston  Budget. 

"  One  of  the  few  true  novels  of  the  day.  ...  It  is  powerful,  and 
touched  with  a  delicate  insight  and  strong  impressions  of  life  and 
character.  .  .  .  The  author's  theme  is  original,  her  treatment  artistic, 
and  the  book  is  remarkable  for  its  unflagging  interest." — Philadelphia 
Record. 

The  One  who  Looked  On.     i6mo.    Cloth,  $1.25. 

"  One  of  the  most  remarkable  and  powerful  of  the  year's  contribu- 
tions, worthy  to  stand  with  Ian  Maclaren's." — British  Weekly. 

"  One  of  the  rare  books  which  can  be  read  with  great  pleasure  and 
recommended  without  reservation.  It  is  fresh,  pure,  sweet,  and  pathetic, 
with  a  pathos  which  is  perfectly  wholesome." — St.  Paul  Globe. 

Into  the   Highways   and   Hedges.     i6mo.    Cloth, 

$1.50. 

"'Into  the  Highways  and  Hedges'  is  a  book  not  of  promise  only, 
but  of  high  achievement.  It  is  original,  powerful,  artistic,  humorous. 
It  places  the  author  at  a  bound  in  the  rank  of  those  artists  to  whom  we 
look  for  the  skilful  presentation  of  strong  personal  impressions  of  life 
and  character." — London  Daily  News. 

D.    APPLETON    AND     COMPANY,    NEW    YORK. 


By    MAARTEN    MAARTENS. 


Each,  J2mo,  cloth,  $1.50.    Uniform  Edition. 

Some  Women  I  have  Known. 

"  Maarten  Maartens  is  one  of  the  best  novel  writers  of  this  or 
any  day." — Chicago  Times-Herald. 

"Maarten  Maartens  stands  head  and  shoulders  above  the 
average  novelist  of  the  day  in  intellectual  subtlety  and  imaginative 
power." — Boston  Beacon. 

Her  Memory.     With  Photogravure  Portrait. 

"  Maarten  Maartens  took  us  all  by  storm  some  time  ago  with 
his  fine  story  christened  '  God's  Fool.'  He  established  himself 
at  once  in  our  affections  as  a  unique  creature  who  had  something 
to  say  and  knew  how  to  say  it  in  the  most  fascinating  way.  He  is 
a  serious  story  writer,  who  sprang  into  prominence  when  he  first 
put  his  pen  to  paper,  and  who  has  ever  since  kept  his  work  up  to 
the  standard  of  excellence  which  he  raised  in  the  beginning." — 
New  York  Herald. 

The  Greater  Glory.    A  Story  of  High  Life. 

"  It  would  take  several  columns  to  give  any  adequate  idea  of 
the  superb  way  in  which  the  Dutch  novelist  has  developed  his 
theme  and  wrought  out  one  of  the  most  impressive  stories  of  the 
period.  ...  It  belongs  to  the  small  class  of  novels  which  one 
can  not  afford  to  neglect." — San  Francisco  Chronicle. 

God's  Fool. 

"Throughout  there  is  an  epigrammatic  force  which  would 
make  palatable  a  less  interesting  story  of  human  lives  or  one  less 
deftly  told." — London  Saturday  Review. 

Joost  Avelingh. 

"  Aside  from  the  masterly  handling  of  the  principal  characters 
and  general  interest  in  the  story,  the  series  of  pictures  of  Dutch 
life  give  the  book  a  charm  peculiarly  its  own." — New  York 
Herald. 


D.  APPLETON  AND   COMPANY,  NEW  YORK. 


HAMLIN    GARLAND'S    BOOKS. 

UNIFORM    EDITION. 

Each,  J2mo,  cloth,  $1.25. 

Wayside  Courtships. 

"  A  faithful  and  an  entertaining  portrayal  of  village  and  rural  life  in  the  West 
No  one  can  read  this  collection  of  short  stories  without  feeling  that  he  is  master  of  the 
subject." — Chicago  Journal. 

Jason  Edwards. 

An  Average  Man. 

"  The  average  man  in  the  industrial  ranks  is  presented  in  this  story  in  as  lifelike  a 
manner  as  Mr.  Bret  Harte  presented  the  men  in  the  California  mining  camps  thirty 
years  ago.  ...  A  story  which  will  be  read  with  absorbing  interest  by  hundreds  of 
workingmen." — Boston  Herald. 

A  Member  of  the  Third  House. 

A  Story  of  Political  Warfare. 

"  The  work  is,  in  brief,  a  keen  and  searching  study  of  lobbies  and  lobbyists.  At 
least  it  is  the  lobbies  that  furnish  its  motive.  For  the  rest,  the  story  is  narrated  with 
much  power,  and  the  characters  of  Brennan  the  smart  wire-puller,  the  millionaire  Davis, 
the  reformer  Tuttle,  and  Evelyn  Ward  are  skillfully  individualized.  .  .  .  Mr.  Garland's 
people  have  this  peculiar  characteristic,  that  they  have  not  had  a  literary  world  made 
for  them  to  live  in  They  seem  to  move  and  act  in  the  cold  gray  light  of  reality,  and 
in  that  trying  light  they  are  evidently  human." — Chicago  Record. 

A  Spoil  of  Office. 

A  Story  of  the  Modern  West. 

"It  awakens  in  the  mind  a  tremendous  admiration  for  an  artist  who  could  so  find 
his  way  through  the  mists  of  familiarity  to  an  artistic  haven.  ...  In  reading  'A  Spoil 
of  Office '  one  feels  a  continuation  of  interest  extending  from  the  fictional  into  the  actual, 
with  no  break  or  divergence.  And  it  seems  to  be  only  a  question  of  waiting  a  day  or 
two  ere  one  will  run  up  against  the  characters  in  real  life." 


The  Eagle's  Heart. 

A  Story  of  the  West.     I2mo.     Cloth,  $1.50. 

"  A  story  told  with  all  the  fidelity  of  observation,  the  sincerity  and  the  insight  which 
mark  his  work  at  its  best  The  clear,  open  atmosphere  of  the  farther  West  is  in  the 
book." — Chicago  Record. 

"  Fresh  and  absorbing  in  its  interest  A  novel  of  red  blood  and  vigorous  life."— 
Detroit  Free  Press. 

A  Little  Norsk; 

Or,  Or  Pap's  Flaxen.     i6mo.     Boards,  50  cents. 

"True  feeling,  the  modesty  of  Nature,  and  the  sure  touch  of  art  are  the  marks  of 
this  pure  and  graphic  story,  which  has  added  a  bright  leaf  to  the  author's  laurels.  - 
Chicago  Tribune. 

D.     APPLETON     AND     COMPANY,     NEW     YORK. 


BOOKS   BY    JULIEN    GORDON. 

Each,  J2mo,  cloth* 


The  Wage  of  Character.    $1.25. 

Julien  Gordon's  new  story  of  modern  society  is  in  her  most  brilliant 
vein.  Glimpses  of  social  life  in  New  York  are  accompanied  by  vivid 
pictures  of  political  life  and  society  in  Washington.  Her  novel  is  a 
story  of  the  world  of  fashion  and  intrigue,  written  with  an  insight,  an 
epigrammatic  force,  and  a  realization  of  the  dramatic  and  the  pathetic, 
as  well  as  more  superficial  phases  of  life,  that  stamp  the  book  as  one 
immediate  and  personal  in  its  interest  and  convincing  in  its  appeal  to 
the  minds  and  to  the  sympathies  of  readers. 

Mrs.  Clyde.    $1.50. 

"  It  all  makes  a  story  of  exceeding  interest,  with  now  and  then  some 
delicious  moments." — New  York  Herald. 

"  A  pure  literary  style,  combined  with  graphic  incidents,  and  punc- 
tuated with  deep,  shrewdly  expressed  aphorisms  on  social  forms,  makes 
this  a  story  of  exceptional  strength  and  interest.  This  is  a  strong, 
brilliant  story." — Philadelphia  Item. 

His   Letters.     New  Edition.     $1.50. 

"  The  .writer's  style  and  diction  are  charming,  and  these  passionate 
letters  touch  the  chords  of  emotion  and  sympathy  in  the  reader's 
heart." — New  Haven  Journal  and  Courier. 

"  The  letters  are  bound  to  rank  high  in  the  mass  of  epistolary  liter- 
ature— fact  and  fiction — which  looms  in  the  season's  output  of  the 
army  of  publishers." — St.  Louis  Republic. 

A  Puritan   Pagan.    $1.00. 

"  This  beautiful  novel  will,  without  doubt,  add  to  the  repute  of  the 
writer,  who  chooses  to  be  known  as  Julien  Gordon.  .  .  .  The  ethical 
purpose  of  the  author  is  kept  fully  in  evidence  through  a  series  of  in- 
tensely interesting  situations." — Boston  Beacon. 

D.    APPLETON    AND     COMPANY,     NEW    YORK. 


